EDulgences
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| Type | Private Company |
|---|---|
| Founder(s) | Archbishop Bojangles II |
| Headquarters | San Jose, California |
| Industry | Indulgence Vendor |
eDulgences is an all-free, fully customizable indulgence vending service which guarantees absolution of all venial and mortal sins and reserves residential space in heaven. eDulgences also operates ConfessionSession and PriestPleaser services. The former is a new free communications application now available for PC and Mac platforms enabling one-on-one communication of the user's darkest sins. The less spoken about the latter, the better. eDulgences being as a start-up tech company in Denver, Colorado, but has since moved its headquarters to San Jose, California, pending merger rumors with Google.
History[edit]
eDulgences was started by a young Archbishop Bojangles II, a Saint John Vianney Theological Seminary dropout and extremely gifted smooth-talker. After a history of selling indulgences at a lemonade stand in elementary school and offering free indulgences with every porn video he sold from his college dorm room, Bonjangles took his services to the almighty power of the internet, and with the blessing of the Vatican and godaddy.com, started eDulgences.com in 2001.
eDulgences was incorporated in 2003, with Bojangles as chief CEO. Current notable stockholders include Pope Benedict XVI, Eggs Benedict XVI, Benedict Arnold XVI, the Church of Scientology, and 4chan.org. In 2006, eDulgences was awarded the God, Jesus, and Holy Ghost Seal of Approval, with its place along the Holy Prepuce in the Hall of Fame. To date, eDulgences has forgiven 296,406,402 mortal sins and 1,204,249,698 venial sins, with the number expected to double within the next 3 years.
Services[edit]
eDulgences uses a custom-built PrayerPropellor wireless modem to broadcast directly to heaven at a 90 degree angle from Earth's flat surface to minimize interference from the Earth's atmosphere. At a frequency of 7.00 GHz, signals reach God's computer within about 3 days (although God's fussy email client, Atonemail, sometimes tosses them in the spam folder).
Sinners can sign up for the service with a simple username and password at least 6 characters and 2 Hail Marys in length. A very highly regulated CAPTCHA ensures that no bots or other soulless creatures create an account. Upon login, users enter confessional information which is fed into the eDulgences database to algorithmically determine which level of hell the user is currently destined for. Users can then use either Credit Card or Paypal to relieve themselves of the burden of sin either on a pay per sin, or pay per circle method. Orders are wired directly to St. Peter's Mainframe and upon approval immediately absolve users wrongdoings.
Criticisms[edit]
eDulgences also experiences significant downtime as cosmic radiation and ether can interfere with the wireless signals on their way to Heaven. Heaven's receiving unit has often received complaints of lawsuits from Angels being struck by signals while pushing the cosmic spheres in orbit around the sun. Talks of establishing a more safe and reliable wired connection have been inconclusive, as Jesus has neither answered his calls nor checked his messages regarding returning to Earth for basic maintenance.
eDulgences has also been sued for discriminatory practices for refusing to offer service to homosexuals, Jews, heretics, excommunicants, the unbaptised, unsubmissive women, democrats, freemasons, animals, scientists, human rights activists, philosophers, and inanimate objects. However, most cases were thrown out of court, and an eDulgences spokesman stated they "don't really give a fuck."
Current board of directors[edit]
- Archbishop Bojangles II, Founder of eDulgences
- Father Beefcake, Chairman of the Board
- Tom Selleck, General Mustache of Technology
- Mel Gibson, Founding Investor and CEO