Tech Support

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Another satisfied customer.

“Man who give lap dance to Corvette with bad steering back up to hard drive.”

~ Confucius

“there was 90 gigabytes of porn on the hard drive!?”

~ Roy on Employees

“I liked tech support better before they got caller-ID”

~ Roger Fox on his ineptitude with computers

“Screw the help desk! The help desk never helps at all!”

~ Oscar Wilde on his anger on Tech Support.

“Have you tried rebooting? No? Press these keys: CTRL+W then Shift+Alt+PrintScreen+enter, then while holding those down, do the hokie pokie. Once you're done turning yourself around...”

~ Outsourced underpaid indians on Oscar Wilde

Technical support is a crisis line, ran by some companies to provide the assistance in mind calming and stress relief that may be necessary after dealing with their products, people and websites. Like any other psychological service, support never actually solves (or even tries to solve) your problem; it is not their area of competence. Instead, they are highly competent in raising you self esteem so you could take yourself into hands and find yourself the way to get the product working. One of the tricks to achieve this is to show that the support guy or girl knows even less about the product leave alone about your problem. A good starting point is to demonstrate complete unawareness on which problems are possible, which products they may need to support, which company do they belong and how at the end have they got into this planet, immediately forced to talk with some horrible local creature, you. The best known support phrases, common in software community, are RTFM (Read The Friendly Manual) and STFW (Search The Friendly Web)[1]. Big companies that sell expensive products have they own ways just to tell you just the same in a more verbose way.

Uh oh. Maybe you shouldn't have flirted on that webcam...Time to call Tech Support.

The Invention of Tech Support[edit]

Tech Support was invented by Satan nearly 20 years ago, as a place to store lost souls whilst the 7 Spheres of Hell were being refurbished. Since then, it has been driving people up the wall and causing heart attacks, strokes, aneurysms, and STDs. Tech Support has proved such a great success that it has become a staple method of modern torture, utilized by petty despots around the world.

Tech Support Workers[edit]

Tech Support workers are some of the most bitter individuals you will never, ever meet. This is due to the fact they don't make enough money for helping you, and despite all the nice bullshit they tell you, they really do not give a rat's ass about your problem, you, or even your mom. This has led Tech Support to become one of Satan's leading tools of torture.

Providing Tech Support to STUPID customers is the leading cause of baldness, schizophrenia, manfully crying, and kitten huffing in south-western Bangladesh. The scientific community believes that it is possible to overdose on Tech Support, leading to death, the death penalty, and the blue screen of death. However, this has been disputed by Charlie Sheen, Uncle Sam and Al Qaeda.

Satan's temporary office during Hell's Great Freezeover of 1987.

Studies by impotent and influenzal Scientologists conclude that committing suicide while cross-dressing during a game of Russian Roulette is approximately 275% more enjoyable than enduring Tech Support of any kind.

Phone Support[edit]

Phone rings

Hello. You have reached the Microsoft support hotline. If you trying to get assistance on an order, press 1. If you need support on a Microsoft product, press 2.


We're sorry. We do not offer support on Microsoft products. To go back, press #


If you trying to get assistance an on order, press 1. If you need support on a Microsoft product, press 2.


Thank you. Please wait while your call is being connected.

(Annoying Elevator music plays in background)

Online Support[edit]

***Andrew enters Chat room***

Support: Hello Andrew. I'm Brenda. :-)

Andrew: Hi

Support: I understand you're having trouble with your computer. :)

Andrew: Yes. Everytime I run AOL 8.0, my computer suddenly reboots.

Support: Could you start AOL and tell me what it says.

Andrew: Why would I do that? That would just make my computer restart....

Support: I can't help you if you don't help me. :-(

Andrew: Fine bitch..

***Andrew has left the chat***

Support: Sir?

Support: Sir? Are you there? :-|

***Support has left the chat***

Mail Support[edit]

From: Andrew
To: Tech Support

Dear Support,

I bought your product just today and it broke. I need a new one.



(90 days later.....)

From: Tech Support
To: Andrew

We're sorry, your warranty has expired. Thank you for doing business with Apple.

Have a nice day!


Tech Support

Users Are Stupid[edit]

Sometimes this effective form of torture backfires and the victims themselves become the ones actually conjuring up a living Hell. Nonetheless, Tech Support is a very safe and fun experience that any damned soul can sign up for at the local torture office.

Tech Support: Good morning, how can I help you?

Caller: My computer is smoking.

Tech Support: Sounds like you need a new power supply, let me get your information...

Caller: No I think it's a problem with my autoexec.bat file.

Tech Support: Sir that would not make your computer smoke.

Caller: Well let me read it to you just to be sure... (reads contents of autoexec.bat)

Tech Support: Sounds like that's correct, so let's examine the power supply...

Caller: No wait it might be my config.sys file...

Tech Support: Sir, I really think this is an issue with your power supply.

Caller: (reads contents of config.sys)

Tech Support: (exasperated) Have you installed Microsoft's newest version of nosmoke.exe?

Caller: No, I haven't! THAT must be it! I'll call Microsoft and get that, thanks!

(the next day)

Tech Support: Good afternoon, how can I help you?

Caller: Yeah hi, I called Microsoft and they said their latest version of nosmoke.exe is incompatible with my current power supply. Can I get a new one?

Occasionally the Tech Support guys gain an unwanted insight into the caller's personal life This is one I got from a lady :

Caller: Got a problem with pop-ups on my computer screen

Techie: Sounds like you've picked up a virus, but we'll look into your browser (goes through configuration processes)

Caller: No, still coming up

Techie: Right, could you give me a clue what these pop-ups read?

Caller: They seem to be all about gay dating sites

Techie: mmmm.....(slight hint of incipient giggle in voice. Controlled just in time) Have you updated your security software?

Caller: Yes, and I've run a scan without any joy.

Techie: Right, No names of any viruses showing up...sometimes there are downloadable removal tools you can find...No joy there.

Caller: Yeah, might have to reload Windows

Techie: Well, you might try a system restore, but it might not work.

Caller: OK, might try that

Techie: Have you visited any new sites that might have been infected? That might explain where you got this from.

Caller: Can't think of any. Hang on, I'll check the History....mmm. OK..... S'cuse me while I have a word with my husband...

Sounds of full blown marital in background. Telephone goes down.

Techie: Good day, How can I help you?

Caller: Hello, Did you change my account password?

Techie: No, Don't you remember it?

Caller: I saw my friend typing the password 5 minutes ago, I am typing the same thing, and it doesn't work...

Techie: OK, what is your password?

Caller: six stars.

See also[edit]

External Links[edit]