Technical support

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"Tech support" redirects here. For the article about the crisis line, see Tech Support.
We wish Technical support was this easy!

“It's like the plague, but paying for it.”

~ Jesus on technical support

“My job is to make sure you never call again.”

~ Dogbert on technichal support


~ Samuel L. Jackson on guys who take technical support calls

“Its what you expect from a typical asian”

~ Hard working accountant on working his ass off

Technical Support is a term used to describe the torture administered to technically minded people who lack the requisite qualifications and skills to get a proper job within the IT industry e.g. code monkey or web designer. In essence they are forced to work odd hours talking to technically inept people, possibly in hopes that this torture will provide them with the required motivation to rise above the rabble and get a job that suits the position intended by fate in the Intellectual Elite.


Never use Technical Support. If you do, may god have mercy upon your soul. You are more than welcome to attempt getting Technical Support, and you will even be able to find someone who can talk to you. They will tell you to go through the following steps:

  1. Restart Your Computer
  2. Try whatever it was you were doing again.
  3. This will not work, because you already did them.
  4. Go to the Control Panel, select an appropriate wizard to run.
  5. This won't help either, because you already ran the wizard last time you tried to reboot.
  6. Go to the command prompt, and run winipcfg
  7. Again, this won't help, because you already did that.
  8. Tell you "Huh, that's weird"
  9. Place you on Hold, minimum of 5 minutes.
  10. Give you another number to call,
  11. When you call this number the person on the other line will begin speaking demonic.
  12. Your face will slowly begin to melt and as you writhe in agony your soul will be consumed.
  13. Your computer will then subsequently explode.
  14. Restart again

You need to watch out for the second phonecall bit, because its a known fact that if you call the number while holding your left shoe above your head the demon on the other line will be trapped. If you than say "Ray Charles" fifteen times backwards a leprechaun will jump out and give you three wishes. This is a trap! Only two of the wishes are actually carried out and the last one kills you. So when the leprechaun jumps out chuck the shoe at him and run out of the house before setting it on fire. The reason why you must set it on fire is because the Leprechaun had possessed it the second it was hit by the shoe.

As you can see, Technical Support is rarely of any value to a person with half a working brain. It exists only to give hope to the deranged, and to spread lies about "service quality" to the advertising departments. I've had to call tech support 3 times in my life, and only once did someone transfer me to anyone useful. The other 2 times, I learned only that Tech Support is basically worthless. And that Windows is obviously a product of Satan.

      • Please note that 95.6% of people who call Technical Support do not have above mentioned half working brain. Every one of these calls kills the soul of the Technical Support worker a little bit more.

Types of Technical support[edit]

Internet Help Desk[edit]

This form of torture takes place in a call center environment when the Technical Support Specialist (refered to as an agent) receive inbound phone calls from customers who claim they are having problems with their Internet connection. In this situation it is the primary duty of the Agent to first try to convince the customer that the issue is NOT with their Internet Connection and direct them to a third-party technical support representative.Ah, fuck you better learn to speak the language of Hindu's and reframe from munching on K.F.C.

This is one of those technical support guys who use a cool headset with a microphone!

Quentin Tarantino[edit]

Known for his violent movies, director Quentin Tarantino's new untitled film will contain a vicious torture scene involving technical support. In his words, "It will be twice as violent as the cop getting his ear cut off and ten times gayer than the anal rape scene."

“Ish going to be like the sshcene in Jamesh Bond when I'm being tortured by Goldfinger. But thish time, I'll be on tech shupport.”

~ Sean Connery on torture scene

See Also[edit]