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"To be bitter is never a good thing; not even in chocolate."

~ Julian Antonio

What is it to be bitter?[edit]

Bitter describes a person (usually a man although saying so would be sexist) who takes any statement as a personal insult. It doesn't even matter if the statement is about them at all or not. Bitter people often cause problems in the workplace because they are sure that everyone hates them, which they probably do. It is not that bitter people are irrationally paranoid - they believe they have definitive proof that people are out to get them.

Bitter people tend to cling to their memories. They do not forgive and let it eat away at them. Causes could include: being treated poorly for an immense amount of time, being mistreated by family, constant disappointment, and so forth. The feeling of being jaded is also accompanied by bitter thoughts and actions. Bitter people will eventually shy away from affection because they're not used to it.

The Origins of Bitterness[edit]

Bitter was invented in the year 1912 by Joe Burnham, who was angry at many things, including cromer high school, being asked to put his leg over his head and goddamn wristbands. Although comforted by hugs from milly, Joe's quest to invent bitterness conquered all normal feelings, and so bitter was invented. Later he bottled it and it has now become a world-famous alcoholic drink.

Bitter Interactivity[edit]

There is no statement so neutral that it can't be negatively interpreted by the bitter person. Here are some examples:

Statement: Did you just have your hair cut?

Response: I know what you're saying - that I got a bad hair cut. I will have you know I like my hair cut this way?

Statement: So who do you like in Sunday's game?

Response: You don't think I know anything about football do you!

Statement: The sky is blue.

Response: Look, I appreciate a nice day as much as the next person, but I'm having a really bad day OK! You don't have to make such a big deal about it.

Bitter people often spend great amounts of time together telling each other what other people have said and getting at the real meaning of their statements and, in many cases, their ordinary actions, for example:

Action: Smiled.

Reason of Action: In a good mood.

Interpretation: Is planning on firing them.

Action: Man doesn't call.

Reason of Action: Doesn't much like you.

Interpretation: Is cheating on them.

Action: Walks down street.

Reason of Action: Going that way.

Interpretation: Proving that can walk down street better than self.

You can't deal with bitter people, so don't even try. You might want to have fun by saying a lot of things that can clearly be taken in more than one way, but it isn't highly recommended because many bitter people own semi-automatic weapons.

New trends in bitterness[edit]

To be bitter now means to "cling to guns and religion," being cynical of government and "change," if you ask Obama.

See also[edit]