Liberal Christianity

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The faith that worships some of Christianity's better ideas, but without getting so much into the whole figurehead thing or the "saved by the great blood-spurting wounds of Jesus" fetish promoted by your standard Mel Gibson torture epic. It is tolerant of everyone except for people it deems "intolerant," and has a particular emphasis on the rejection of most (though not quite all) of those orthodox Christian ideas that seem a bit too far-fetched for all but the most religiously rabid. Its doctrines and precepts can be vague to the point of near non-existance (rather like their god), though LC's aren't particularly bothered by this, since they are comfortable enough not to need a black and white and well-defined dogmatic world view. LC's are sometimes mocked by orthodox Christians because the latter get a raging hardon over the fanciful idea of divine justice, whereas Liberal Christians, recognizing the lack of divine justice here in the real world, seldom bother even to muster up a semi over the concept, especially since they are far too busy organizing the next Springtime Pet Service. Liberal Christianity sometimes uses The Bible, but also uses whatever other books they deem useful, including Aesop's Fables and Dr. Seuss, in order to teach themselves to get along with others instead of getting all excited and perky over the possibility that their god is about to go smiting some group or another.

Liberal Christian Thoughts on the Ten Commandments[edit]

1. "I am the Lord thy God; thou shalt ...

Oops, wait a moment. Liberal Christians tend to toss aside the Secret-Decoder-Ring Olde-English-Holy-speak favored by more orthodox SecretHolyClubs. They recognize that you are right based upon the content of your message, not based on whether your message sounds old.

1. (continued) " ... you will not have other gods before me."

As for the rest of this commandment, a Liberal Christian might think it sounds rather like this god is a bit insecure and could use some self-esteem improvement. How can someone so omnipotent get so out-of-whack over those other gods? Is jealousy a trait of a perfect being?

2. "You will not use the Name of the God in vain."

Which god is this? The one speaking, or one of those "other" gods referenced in #1? Here we are on commandment #2 and already those other gods have gone missing.

Ancient people used to think that names themselves had power, like a special kind of magic word. There was an extra dose of power in a name if the person referenced died in some tragic or unusual way, say, from crucifixion. That is why, today, we have people in internet chat rooms calling up this power by cursing each other and driving out each others' demons "in the name of Jesus", as if that magic word name gives them the ability to do anything other than make them seem more important to the other chatters. Using a holy name in vain is exactly what these orthodox internet Christians are doing with their cursing and demon-driving, though they don't know enough of their own religion's history to recognize this. So, they are breaking this commandment all the time. Liberal Christians are much better about this, only breaking this commandment when they hit their thumb with a hammer or yell out during orgasm.

3. "Remember the Sabbath to keep it Holy."

This is one of those Old Testament commandments that refers to the Sabbath which the Jews, who wrote the Old Testament, celebrate on Saturday. Having forgotten this Sabbath, nearly all Christians across the spectrum violate this commandment by having their Sabbath on Sunday.

4. "Honor your father and mother."

Liberal Christians believe in questioning authority, so this commandment reads more like "Honor your father and mother, if they deserve it." Now, if your father is a child molesting alcoholic fundamentalist minister, he probably doesn't deserve a whole lot of "honor". Liberal Christians recognize this. They don't follow authority without question, including the parental kind. This is probably one of the major differences between liberals and conservatives, whether Christian or not.

5. "You will not kill."

Liberal Christians tend to apply this commandment to people who are able to feel pain. They oppose war and capital punishment. In cases of abortion and mercy killing of brain-dead people, liberal Christians make exceptions to this rule, in part because embryos and brain-dead people can't feel pain. In contrast, fundamentalist Christians work the hardest to avoid killing people who can't feel pain, like embryos and brain-dead Floridians. They make exceptions and have no problems killing people who can feel pain, like those who have been convicted of a crime, or people who are brown and have rudely put our oil under their sand and therefore must be bombed into the stone age. It is terribly confusing, especially when you consider the fact that the original commandments were not written down with punctuation. Without commas and such they tend to run into one another, so a possible valid alternate reading dictates that you will not kill, commit adultery, steal, etc. from your neighbor. This means everyone else is fair game, so praise the lord and pass the ammunition.

6. "You will not commit adultery."

Let's be honest ... nobody obeys this one. Some people make "arrangements" so that adultery is consensual and therefore not really adultery, other people sneak around and snort meth off a gay hooker's ass and lose their jobs as head of a major evangelical organization. If a god really wrote this commandment, it is probably because he wasn't born with genitalia and the associated urges.

7. "You will not steal."

Liberal Christians believe that this commandment applies both to themselves and to Republican defense contractors.

8. "You will not bear false witness against your neighbor".

Liberal Christians believe that this commandment applies both to themselves and to administrations lying us into an oil war.

9. "You will not covet your neighbor's wife."

See #6, except for the bit about gay hookers' asses, since a gay hooker isn't exactly a "wife" is he ...

10. "You will not covet your neighbor's goods."

This commandment is ignored across the board, as to do otherwise would cause our entire economy to collapse.

11. "You will not sing 'Battle Hymn of the Republic'. Ever."

This one was added relatively recently. Liberal Christians have discovered a line in their Bibles that says "Blessed are the peacemakers", so there's no way they're going to get caught singing "Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war", and in a church no less! Conservative Christians, with their raging divine retribution woodies, have no problem with these lyrics, and have been known to dress their children up as little religious soldiers with Holy Swords and Holy Shields and Holy Helmets, preparing them at a young age to be good little Holy Militants and to go off and cause some good Ol' Time Religion Holy Death.

The Afterlife[edit]

Liberal Christians, if they believe in a heaven, believe that at death everyone gets to go there. When liberal Christians get to heaven, they get very quiet while passing the rooms of conservative Christians, so as not to wreck the conservatives' fantasy that they're the only ones who got in, and the extra bonus fantasy that liberal Christians (and everyone else) are off writhing in the pain of hell's eternal torture. By staying quiet the liberal Christians ensure the conservative Christians can keep their divine punishment hardons raging for all eternity.

Worship and Ceremony[edit]

Liberal Christian services occur on Sunday, except in the summer when services are not held in the main Cathedral and are instead relegated to the smaller sanctuary with the nasty orange carpet from the 70's, because it's summertime and all the teachers are on vacation so nobody is really going to show up anyway, so let's just get one of the laymen to make up a sermon while the head minister is on holiday in Europe.

During services, the 11th commandment (see above) is strictly obeyed. Alternate lyrics are provided.

See Also[edit]