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“Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? Because that might lead to dancing.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Baptists

“If you don't agree with absolutely everything I say that means God hates you and you are going to Hell.”

~ Fred Phelps on Everyone

Baptists are members of a Christian church founded by a recently ordained ex-Anglican priest and his wealthy apprentice. Instead of sprinkling water laced with hallucinogenic anointing oils over infants, they fully immersed adults in a river or a Baptistery, because they either thought babies didn't have any original sin to wash away or that they couldn't form a contract with the afterlife before learning to talk. That or maybe John Spilsbury looked at a baptismal font through a microscope and saw a bunch of tiny demons in the communal cesspool, that he thought might be responsible for the Black Death.

The Baptist church had a rocky start with a schism between its founders where Thomas Helwys declared that Baptist co-Pope John Smyth was a "Fag Enabler" and in bed with the Amish. After that Helwys reigned as the sole Baptist pope from his prison cell after angering the effeminate King James. Some time later he swallowed a bee and started talking incoherently. Nearby onlookers were stunned and confused. He later told his followers that he was speaking in God's Language or "tongues".

Baptist men don't necessarily love their wives. Baptist women don't necessarily love their husbands. Baptists aren't supposed to have sex until they're married. Tragically that means if they like different thingies they find out too late. They're supposed to do only sex in the missionary position. That makes sex less interesting.

Baptist Code of Conduct[edit]

Back in Jesus's day taking a bath was for wizards and mermaids.
  • Believe in God (bonus: pagans, Buddhists, Moslems and atheists are all inferior people).
  • Believe in the power of American white straight men (but Hitler was evil, an atheist like Stalin and un-American, while the KKK is Southern Baptist American).
  • Jews are welcomed (but have separate seating along with Africans/blacks, unmarried women, the cursed handicaps, or them Chinamen, Chicano Mexicans or Cherokee Injuns).
  • Don't drink (but can partake of moonshine or Bud beer).
  • Don't smoke (only applies during church services, but praise big tobacco profits).
  • Don't smile (unless you're told to).
  • Remember children will be present (anyone under age 25).
  • Respect your elders (what if your step-father molests you?).
  • Don't say bad words (except "Jesus!" frantically in a sermon).
  • Dress properly (but dress in Wal-Mart clothing brands the other 6 days a week).
  • Never burp, fart or vomit (you can't help it, let's face it, we sin).
  • Never say the word "fuck" (well, shit me).
  • No sex (only pronounce it by the spelling S-*-X).
  • No drugs (they helped made our illicit drugs illegal).
Smoke Dr. Jesus's Medicinal Marijuana.
  • No rock or hip-hop music (may not apply in Harlem or to hillbillies).
  • No gambling (though the Baptists, like Episcopalians, support the stock market).
  • No dancing, parties or "decadence" of any kind (does the New Art count?).
  • NO TV, radio or the internet (except 700 Club, TBN, FOX NEWS (especially when Glen Beck is speaking, of course) AM talk radio or Conservapedia or CreationWiki).
  • Condemn homosexuality (um... didn't the Bible say all sins are forgivable?)
  • Condemn all other branches of Christianity (especially those damned Catholics, and that story about some dumb "Reformation." Baptists were the original Christians back since Adam. Everyone else is just a wannabe or a hater.)
  • No adultery (which means that they don't cheat on their own spouse; if they get involved with a married man/woman and cause them to cheat on their spouse, though... well, that's not their problem, so... ).
  • Support the death penalty (but praise the sanctity of life).
  • Women have limited rights (except they were allowed to support Palin in 2012 and curse that wicked Hillary).
  • Never discuss politics, religion, money or race (except to support conservatives, fundies, capitalism against evil communism, and attack those civil rights people want to bring the ghetto into your suburbs).
  • Believe in the separation of church and state, just as long as the state does whatever your church wants it to]].
  • Believe that once someone accepts Jesus they will go to heaven (this only applies to Baptists. Any other non-baptist Christian will go to Hell).
  • Reserve special condemnation for Catholics in general and the Pope in particular, likely because the Catholic Church has succeeded in attracting 25 times the number of paying customers. Baptist preachers never miss a Sunday without mentioning the "Roman church," the Pope, or anything Catholic. The typical Baptist's day is consumed in a jealous resentment that the Catholic church exists. Catholics, for their part, when asked about Baptists, simply reply, "What's a Baptist?"
  • Trick atheist and other non-Christians into becoming servants of Jesus. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead. If you just read that last sentence you are now a servant of Jesus whether you like it or not. When you die you are now forced to go to heaven and serve Jesus instead of partying in Hell.
  • Worship anything with Jesus on it even if thou shalt be a penis with Jesus drawn on it (even though homosexuality and sex is condemned/banned).
  • There is only the Lord you may worship (but if don't support your country you're as bad as black gay atheist women).

See also[edit]