Worst reasons to become an American Christian

A side benefit of converting is that you are able to donate money to people like this.

Christianity is continually attracting converts, despite its strictures on your behavior and the demands on your time. The general reader may seek a reference source for reasons to convince himself to go through with it, and the world's finest collection of facts is pleased to deliver one on this page.

Impunity

The main reason to become a Christian is that it confers impunity. That is, you can misbehave, because being a good Christian means that you did not. In an era of rampant corporate corruption, you can run a giant company like Worldcom and people will think you are different, up to the very day it crashes and burns. This is the same effect as U.S. Presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama being "Constitutional Law lecturers" (though the word they used is "professor"), and everyone assuming that all their Presidential acts were Constitutional. The former even toted an oversized Bible, for additional impunity. (George W. Bush merely flew fighter jets, something that said nothing at all about him.)

Winning arguments

Christians win more arguments than non-Christians, regardless of who is right. The Christian can quote the Bible, adding chapter and verse. The Christian doesn't have to cite the correct chapter and verse, because his adversary won't know any better. If the adversary uses even a mild euphemism like Cripes, you can get red-faced and exclaim, "Take not the name of the Lord thy God in vain!!!" and probably make him lose his train of thought.

In debates, the Christian uttereth words, and useth grammar, that his opponent hath never heard before. The Christian doth put his opponent off base as he simply addresseth him as "thou." Thith ith like debating with God Himself. The opponent wilt wilt in submission to the Christian. After a few years of this, thou mayst even begin to understand Pat Robertson.

Researching an argument becomes easier. You need only study one Book, instead of the increasing flood of modern research. And if you lean heavily enough on the Bible during arguments, you will eventually fall in with a crowd that will show you how to paper over all the contradictions.

Economic benefits

• Quantity discounts. Being a Christian means you will be a member of a huge community. And while there is safety in numbers, there are also really swell deals. They are always saying on television that you can save 15% on your car insurance by converting.
• Once you follow a single Book, you will be able to pawn your old bookshelf for extra cash.
• Tax savings. Contributing to your buddies to re-roof the chapel is deductible. Contributing to your buddies to re-roof the Union Hall is not.
• If you are out-of-work (which you are, or you would not have all this time to ponder changes in the "direction" of your life), the congregation may send you to Africa to convince the heathens to become Christians as well. Most Muslim nations understand that missionaries are bringing the people new options for living, and do not amputate or decapitate right away.

It's so easy

Christianity is one of the simpler faiths to convert to:

• There is only one God, as opposed to the "polytheism" in Ancient Rome, where one had to learn the God of oak trees (that was "Polly"), versus the God of elm trees. And, provided you pick a sect other than Catholicism, you won't need to learn hundreds of patron saints either.
• You never have to travel to Mecca, or saw anyone's head off on the way there.

It is sometimes even easier, such as when you fell asleep during the A.A. meeting in the church basement on Saturday night, and when you woke up it was Sunday morning and someone was making coffee. Or when there is a heat wave and participating in an open-air baptism is better than waiting for the Fire Department to come and open a hydrant.

It saves time

Becoming a Christian means:

• You don't have to scrape off that "fish" sticker on the used car you bought.
• You never have to explain Harry Potter to your children — as you can simply prohibit them from watching it.

Side benefits

Becoming a card-carrying Christian qualifies you to do many other fun things:

• You get free membership in the Republican Party.
• You will eventually be allowed to edit Conservapedia.
• It improves your chances of becoming president of the United States by 1000%, provided you are a U.S. natural-born citizen, or can provide a convincing birth certificate, and don't mind a bit of character assassination during the campaigning process.
• There are many chances to drink free wine, (provided you select the correct denomination) where it is unlikely that people will say you are an alcoholic, unless you get in the habit of shuttling between church services.
• There is usually free parking during the service.
• You may be able to swing free Harlem Globetrotters tickets, if they are playing the Apostles.
• "Bingo!!!"
• Many congregations offer free coffee and cookies or sweet rolls before or after the service. Mmmm, cookies. Protip: You don't even have to come on time to get them if they offer them after the service.
• Many congregations also offer free child care during the service, and during the summer, a day camp called Vacation Bible School which is usually offered at affordable rates.

Sexual benefits

Frankly, you would not be contemplating converting to Christianity except that you are probably having a hard time getting laid. If you were a Christian, you would not have to explain your anorexia but could claim you are fasting. Any Christian church is a veritable meat market, with other people of all persuasions who are also seeking what Nixon called "plausible deniability." For example, that nice young man standing next to you at the Promise Keepers will put his arm around you — and it won't be gay (technically).

When you find a sweet young thing, she will promise to "love, honor, and obey." (Would-be translators of this will please confine themselves to the article's Discussion Page.) As for the need to claim that you two are "waiting until we are married" before doing the dirty, the strategy is covered under Impunity, above.

Death benefits

Of course death is a long way away, but becoming a Christian means that a lot of people will say nice things about you when you die — which they won't even call "death" but something tasteful such as "going home to be with the Lord." And when they are saying those things, people will hardly notice the sidelong looks. Your widow will probably get free flowers. And you will get a good place to park your ass, which was certainly never true before you became a Christian.