100 Worst Pokémon Cash-ins
Pokémon. Gone underground since the '90s, there were days when this phenomenon was hugely popular with kids all over the world (except in Serbia, mainly because Ex-Commanders of our Army: Gotta Catch 'em All was far more popular over there). Nowadays, due to the rampant commercialization of our favourite little monsters, scene kids have abandonend the franchise. Who are to blame for this? Yes indeed, dear readers, the many attempts by evil corporations to milk this money-cow dry, until she was nothing more then an anorexic skeleton, and a mere shade of the glory she once was. Here follows a list of the terrible miscontraptions that were born from those malpractices.
Please bear with us.
- 100. S.S. Anne: The Movie
Titanic for "the kids". Main roles are filled in by Pikachu and Squirtle. The first tragically dies when the ship sinks, mainly due to inability to swim. The main reason it never attracted much of a crowd was because of the explicit love scene between the star actors who would have won an Emmy (damn Whoopi). Is still watched by Brock.
- 99. AiPorn
Pokémon-themed Internet navigator featuring the series' worst freak-of-nature, Aipom. It never gained much popularity due to the bias in search results.
- 98. BBQ: Fire-Type
Powerful barbecue with all kinds of nice features missing in the regular assortment. Stances include Charmander (nicely burnt), Charmeleon (burnt to an ash) and Charizard (goodbye, world). Backs up as a flamethrower. Only sold a handful to Pokémon fetishists.
- 97. Create-A-Pokémon
Wildly expensive chemistry set that includes nuclear gene mutators, hormone injectors, a fist-sized manual and free samples fresh out of Tsjernobyl. Banned from all countries except Japan, with disastrous results. There all still many display websites for the creations of the devout, in which they show their death for their masters.
- 96. Pokétom-tom
Pokémon-themed navigation system. Made of cheap plastic and leftover calculators. Always navigates straight to the nearest Pokémon product selling point, no matter how obscure the goods they sell.
- 95. Poképlane
Ever seen those godawful Boeing 747s with Pokémon images plastered on them? Now imagine the interior. Filled to the brim with all sorts of Pokémon products, ranging from airplane food to hidden episodes of the anime on the plane telly. Now imagine a 12-hour flight on such a plane. Start screaming.
- 94. Pikacoups
Ever wanted hair like Jynx? A cute curl like Jigglypuff? Nintendo has hired thousands of unemployed hairdressers just to let you have hair cut in outrageous anime designs. It will even improve your scoring chances with the ladies. If they're into this kind of thing.
- 93. Pokémemorizer
Surgically implants the names of all the Pokémon for the next twelve oncoming decades in your brains. Instant effect. Sells like hot cakes in Iraq. If you survive the first 6 hours with the implants inserted, your brain will enter a surreal realm of dreams on par with a Pink Floyd album.
- 92. Pokémon Homicide Kit
All those Pokémad scene kids at school driving you crazy? Had enough of being picked on because you don't collect Pokémon cards and other such childish nonsense? Then buy the Pokémon Homicide Kit to "do a Columbine" and end it all in a strangely ironic manner. AK-47's (bullets not included) don't come in more fashionable styles than Pikachu yellow.
- 91. Gotta Catch 'em All: The Fishnet
For catching all those Water Pokémon. Includes a Caterpie mode (lure fishing), a Voltorb mode (electric fishing) and an Electrode mode (dynamite fishing). Comes with a very graphical manual.
- 90. PokéGear
The multifunctional gadget from the games (or so every toddler believed) and one of the few products in the list to actually be based on the reference material. Millions of kids were ripped off, believing it had the same features as in the game itself. In response to the uproar of angry mums, Nintendo announced that the watches could be traded in for Pikachu Very Special Edition cards at all major selling points.
- 89. Pokémon Addicts Anonymous
A support group for people who become so addicted to Pokémon that even the salespeople at Nintendo start worrying. Her meetings offer Pokémon-addicts a safe and friendly environment to talk about their hentai and exchange tips on how to handle this phenomenon. At the end of the course, participants pay large sums for repackaged Skittles with "Addiction Med" written on the box.
- 88. The Hall Of Fame: Just Like the Game
No, this has nothing to do with leaderboards, score tables or anything at all with the videogames; it's just an honorary list of people who have spend the biggest amount of cash on Pokémon tat, filling the pockets of the Pokémon Company with millions of dollars that could have being spend on feeding hungry African children before they keeled over. A certain B. Gates claims first place, having wasted nearly a billion on the ultra-rare Pokémon: Uncut DVDs.
- 87. Pokémon Nipple Piercings
This really is a no-brainer. Thery're stuck on the body, so there's no choking hazard, it's shiny and not too expensive and it's all the rage on your kid's favourite web sites. No sane mother would ever turn down the chance to make their child so happy for so little...right?
- 86. Pokémon Breeder
PC-game that lets players interbreed their favourite Pokémon specimen, resulting in creatures that go beyond your wildest dreams. Pulled from the shops after the discovery of the notorious Blazing Capuccino mod hidden in the game code. The 10 add-ons that were planned were also canceled. Will Wright later nicked both the add-on idea and the breeding idea for his Sims and Spore games respectively, of course with less successful results.
- 85. Pokéfood
Composed of meat banned by the FDA, crystal meth, and Thai chemicals, the packaging claims this comes from "real Pokémon, found in the land beyond the rainbow". It is reported to have an effect similar to Spanish fly, resulting in the eater suddenly seeking certain sexual cravings.
- 84. Pokémon: How to Date Your Fellow Trainers
For all Pokémon trainers who have had enough of artificial action. The guide will tell you how to pick up other Pokémon enthusiasts. Includes all-time classics like "Wanna see my pocket monster?" and "I've run out of Pokéballs, can I have yours?".
- 83. Pokémetal
Somehow, a group of middle-aged men with long hair, all dressed up like Ash Ketchum, sorted with the appropriate Pokémon electric guitars and drums, screaming "Gotta catch 'em all" into the mic while molesting their instruments, failed to hold the attention of kids for more then 5 minutes, before they all went back to their cooler Pokémon articles.
- 82. Povertymon
In order to sell better in the Third World, Nintendo created this spin-off, wherein all Pokémon are smugded creatures with countable ribs, and trainers travel to the big city to become Pokémon Master, just to make money for their parents back in their hometown. It never sold well, mainly because prices were still outrageous, with the exception of hentai, which never seems to slow down in sale.
- 81. Poképorn
Really just another name for hentai.
- 80. Pocket Monster Pocket License
For the smallest of producers, Nintendo have created the so-called microlicenses, which allows locals to create their own Pokémon products and distribute them on small scale, without being devoured by Japanese law dogs and having their families become company property. In theory, this means producers from Siberia to Australia can distribute Pokémon-branded vodka and sheep. In practice, this means everybody's homemade Pokémon 'sisters' are now officially licensed.
- 79. Pimp My Pokémon
In a desperate attempt to cash in on both the Pokémon and pimpin' trends, this tv-program forever burned the images of a Jigglypuff in a pink G-string, Pikachu with an afro and Mew in a latex gimp suit into our retinas. Much to the disappointment of gangsta rappers and eye doctors, the show was canned after 2 airings. The Mew mentioned earlier would later feature in a few movie adaptations.
- 78. Strokémon
Mainly aimed at brain patients, it never became clear what kind of product exactly this was. Experts suggest it had something to do with hentai.
- 77. Pokémo
A bundle of poems focusing on Ash (now dressed entirely in tight black with hair in front of his right eye) and the many hardships he faces as a Pokémon trainer. Widely praised as one of the most sensitive, emotional and non-conformist adaptations of the Pokémon franchise yet, many bands such as Halifax and Fall Out Boy based lyrics of their songs on the poems. Here follows an excerpt:
My life's all about level, level, lev' My Pokéballs are the only balls I have Of this world I grew weary After she dumped me for Gary Pokémon master, like I'd ever get in the Hall My wrists, gotta slit 'em all
- 76. Pokémon: Soviet Edition.
In Soviet Russia, Pokémon pwns YOU!!
- 75. Soakémon
Swimming clothes adorned with pictures of our favourite little creatures...sounds..great. They were sponsored by many models though. (Did you really think we'd have something that didn't connect to hentai here?)
- 74. Pokémon Emergency Supplies
In order to compensate that fact that entry 97 and 76 don't meet certain quality standards, Nintendo released these so-called self-help kits to help compensate the severe shortcomings of their customers.
- 73. Pokémon Bible
Wanna know why the Pope gave Pokémon his blessing? Read this! Find out how Arbok tempted Eve into eating the Rare Candy, how Jonas got swallowed by a Wailord and who exactly the Mareep of God is. Comes bundled with a gift from God.
- 72. Pokémon Karts
In a flash of pure genius, Nintendo released this refreshingly original take on the old racing game. But with a twist! You'll never guess it...they've included comical power-ups, which will completely blow your mind! Also planned are a release of Pokémon Tennis, Pokémon Golf, Pokémon Party, Pokémon Football, Pokémon DDR, Pokémon Platformer, Pokémon Brawl, Pokémon Puzzler, Pokémon Wars, Pokémon Flight and Pokémon: The Original Plan. Oh, and Pokemon hentai.
- 71. Brokémon
Second hand Pokémon products, now for the cheapest of prices! Find the chewing gum stickers, cards with bend edges and other Pokémon products youdon'twant!
- 70. Smokémon
Otherwise known as Pokémon pot, this is a special brand of drugs which combines cannabis and chips from Pokémon cartridges into a drug that makes the user more relaxed, creative and witty. When consumed in large amounts it can also induce Pokémon-related hallucinations.
- 69. Thompson vs. Pokémon
Murder simulator involving a lawyer on drugs that has to save America's youth from displays of blood, OR ELSE! This involves an unending loop lawsuit during which both sides keep shouting 'Hoo-ah' at each other, a deep story about how Japanese try to mass-market Pokémon in order to redo Pearl Harbor, and assaults on hospitals because 'the doctors go inside naked persons while blood is on their hands', which gives a bad example to U.S. youngsters. Features voice acting by former soldier of God Jack Thompson. No actual Pokémon appear in the game, despite proclamations and statistics that there actually are.
- 68. Cloakémon
Commisioned by the CIA, not much is know about this product since it is essentially invisible. It could be anything, ranging from innocent children's toys to adult books.
- 67. Chokémon
For the youngest Pokémon fans among us. These tiny, cheap plastic figurines are about the size of a child's throat, making them effectively safe to play with. Will keep your infants occupied until they're old enough for other Pokémon products.
- 66. Pokémom: An Inconvenient Truth
After the sorry sod lost the presidential elections, Al Gore needed a different source of money other than tax dollars. So, to cash in on the Pokémon trend, he made this movie, which learns us that our mass consumerism of Pokémon products leads to all kinds of nasty things, like depletion of natural resources, rising of the sea level through dumping of surplus in bodies of water, and the rise of temperature due to all those heat ovens which they use to forge Pokémon merchandise.
- 65. Pokémon Balloons
"Yay, it's a Mew balloon! Thanks, mommy! But why does it have holes in the face and between the legs?" Time to explain your kid where Pokémon merchandise really comes from.
- 64. Pokémon Peugeot
No, Americans didn't invent cars. They were invented in Europe. This Pokémon-branded car also comes from Europe. France, to be more specific. Oh no, French? That's seriously the sickest thing I've ever seen, save for a few other things! Never mind this one, like you'd ever trade in your fancy SUV's.
- 63. Pokémon Watch
Now you've got something better to wear than that golden Rolex you bought for a stupidensly low price from that funny smelling Italian. You'll never miss one of our shows ever again!
- 62. Pokéxpo
From the outside, these events look like harmless gathering places for not-so-harmless Pokémon geeks. Insiders know that these conventions are nests of evil where overobsessed psychopaths battle each other to death over mass produced junk toys, and where Nintendo injects the brains of willing children full of totalitarian ideas and harmful content.
- 61. Pokémon Life
This Pokémon net game, in which people can create hip trainer avatars, pimp themselves up and walk around the Pokémon world chatting up fellow enthusiasts, without featuring any Pokémon battles whatsoever, is approxiamately 1% of the share of Pokémon-related internet usage. We all know what the other usage is.
- 60. Pokémon Theme Park
"All the Pokémon of the world, finally gathered in one spot for your mom!", boasts the folder. This translates to themed rides that could bore even your gran, rusty robots that would make even the movements of shopping trolley look smooth in cages filled with pot plants that create an exotic atmosphere and...Ah, well, safe to say your better of just looking at the pics in the folder. (Special two for one hentai deal!)
- 59. Pokéball: The Real Deal
The real deal. Compress your pets to 1/10 of their size by putting them in a weight compressor, then squish their bloody remains into this ball. Possibly the most evil Pokémon product out there. Possibly.
- 58. Pokémon Battery Pack
Batteries with Pokémon prints on them. If you are at such a low level that you even buy your batteries Pokémon branded, you will probably also believe there are real Magnemites and Electabuzz inside these nickel-cadmium thingamajiggums.
- 57. Pokémon Perfume
Do you love the smell of Pokémon in the morning? No, not after a night of ungodly practices! We mean after using this lovely deodorant of sorts. The only smells currently available are eau de toilet and eau de travaille.
- 56. Pikaho
If a skinny 'lady of the street' with bad make-up and a sweaty Pikachu costume is your thing, then by all means fulfill your fantasies with this, while the snipers put a bullet through your brains to save good taste in general.
- 55. Pokémundane
A review magazine of Pokémon products. The name comes from the average quality of the products reviewed. Review panel includes many fired manga artists, since they know their stuff.
- 54. Pokémon: The Running Gag (Chinese Title
- Suk Mah Balls)
- 53. Pokémon Omniversal Disclaimer
The Pokémon Company™ is not responsible for any financial, physical, spiritual, mental or aesthetic damage which her products may cause. If you find our products offensive, then BY NO MEANS CLICK HERE.
- 52. Pokémon: Reflections
The memoirs of Satoshi Something-something, the inventor of Pokémon, meandering on about how the franchise really did have the potential for quality, and how much worse we'd be off if all those products had been based on Mushi King.
- 51. Pokémon: Commercial Break a.k.a. Blatant Advertising
CONGRATULATIONS, A WINNER IS YOU! CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR FABULOUS PRIZE!!!!!
The biggest mistakes caused by the Pokémon franchise.
50. Giratina & the Sky Warrior(movie): Nintendo probably made the plot line, exclusive key characters, and the movie itself during a hangover. When the staff members woke up it was too late.
49. Pokémon shippers: Sweet Jesus Christ! Another branch of shippers?
48. Zero (villain):
Origin; (see here)
He wants to take over a world that lacks a population to rule over, and smiles (that's right he freaking smiles) when he is finally beaten. He fails so much as a villain that he can't get the expressions shown after defeat right.
47. Zero's fanbase: What is worse than this mockery of villains? The fact that some people actually like him.
- 46-1. Summary
Due to a combination of factors, the rest of the list exists only of a brief summary, which ought to be a relief to the reader's tired eyes. Besides, the details would make you gnaw off your leg and use it to pierce your brains. The rest of the list can be defined as follows:
HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI OH GOD NOT THE TENTACLES, WHAT IS JIGGLYPUFF DOING IN THAT POSITION? HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HOW DOES THAT FIT? I'D HATE TO SEE THEIR CHILD HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI YUCK COSPLAYERS ARE PROBABLY GOING TO IMITATE THAT GET-UP! THOSE EYES ARE APPARENTLY NOT THE ONLY OVERSIZED THING IN ANIME HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HEN-TAI DO THEY ACTUALLY FIND THIS AROUSING? IT WOULD BE FUNNY IF IT WASN'T THAT DISGUSTING HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HOT WAILORD ON SKITTY ACTION!! HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI HENTAI
45 to 1
45: The Pokemon Meatballs of Sailor Moon and Goku.
44: Having a lv. 1 Rattata as starter in Pokemon Poop Edition.
43: Pokeloid with Pika MikuHatsune Chu.
42: Fapping a Feebas who recently passed away.
41: Having a ugly fag sister who wants you to see Pokemon: The Annoyed Edition.
40: Saki Pikachu Mai from Poke Cure: Splash Magikarp Star.
38 down to 24: Feebas.
23: Random puzzles of Scavenger PokeHunt.
22 up to 8: Shitmon from Pokemon Shitty-Bun Edition.
- 20. Poster with a Picture of Missingno in the Corner!
Coming soon to a wall near you! An ad with a portrait of Missingno in the bottom-left corner! No matter what your buisness, we can help shift your crap. Missingno has proven so popular that people can even be viewed taking pictures of the ad's on which he features. hentai
7: Francischu from The Fairly Pokemon OddParents.
6: Shitune Pikka-Boo from PokeMon: Pokemon Vocaloid Version
5: Neru Akita and Haku in Pokemon: Vocaloid Crossovers
4, 3, 2: Misty s' strip edition
1: Emo Max from Emo Kids Pokemon Edition. Notice how i donnt use rigt gramar.