Herman Cain

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"If I am elected President, I promise on my honor to all Americans that I will amend the Bill of Rights to subdue all women to the whim of men. This is a solemn statement I make before you and I will NEVER turn back on my word. Too much innocent fun is at stake."

“I want to be the very best, like no one ever was. To trick them is my real test, to enslave them is my cause. DUN-DUN-DUN.
I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. Each Pokémon American to understand the power that's inside!”

~ Herman Cain quoting a great poet

Herman Cain (December 13, 1945 – July 30, 2020) was a candidate for the 2012 U.S. Republican Party presidential nomination, Godfather of pizza-making, and closeted Black Panther. He portrayed himself as an average American, quoting Pokémon on a daily basis as they all do, which is why the electorate nearly fell under Cain's undeniable charm. He looked relatively normal on television. Perhaps you think you saw him in the Lethal Weapon films, playing the worried, family-man colleague of Mel Gibson. Overall, Cain was doing well with the American public until he was forced to talk about something besides himself.

Within hours, Cain's image changed from a cuddly grandpa to a sex beast. Cain was indeed a lethal weapon, one of Mass Sexual Harassment (MSH). Following the numerous mishaps occurring in his campaign to rule the Empire, Cain did what all decent politicians would do: act as if nothing happened. Unlike them, he failed miserably.

Early life

Herman Cain was named after Herman Munster from the television show The Munsters. He is apparently not related to John McCain and never had a brother called Abel. Young Herman was often mistaken for the boxing promoter Don King and was asked, "Where are you hiding the hair, Herman?" So Herman shaved his Afro to avoid confusion, but was unable to grow it back. In an age when every man wanted long hair, Cain was the odd one out. He joined the Republican Party to be more at home.

As a child, Cain was quite the trouble maker. At school he set up cameras in the girls' bathrooms, at soccer practice he would "accidentally" grab the coach's boobs, and as a teenager he would coerce charm women into performing Oral-B sex on him. It was worth it for the free circular toothbrush head.

Presidential run

"Since I know the exact amount of pepperoni suitable to bake a delicious pizza, I'm the most qualified guy to lead the nation when North Korea finally decides to nuke our asses to hell."

“Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line.”

~ Pokémon: The Movie 2000 Herman Cain conveying America's most pressing issue, i.e. legendary Pokémon running amok

Cain's presidential bid gained him the support of various interest groups/lobbies/swivel-eyed fanatics, such as the the Black Panthers, the Lung Cancer is Fun Association and the National United Molesters. The Mafia were approached to donate but they declined as they considered Cain to have stolen one of their trademarks. They threatened to leave a horse meat pizza in Cain's bed if he tries that 'shake down' again. The Ku Klux Klan likewise refused to back Cain as they believe in marital fidelity and white bread.

The cigarette company lobby helped the Cain campaign, providing his chain-smoking staff with free cigarettes and funeral arrangements as long as they smoke on camera during Cain's nationally televised ads. The Cain camp called anti-smokers part of the global conspiracy linked to climate change promoters and communism.

His "999" tax plan propelled him to the front of the political scene with overwhelming popular support for about 2 weeks, until people realized what it stands for: 9% inflation every year, 9% more homelessness each month, and Cain 9 times richer by the time his presidential term is over.

Foreign policy

Herman Cain flanked by his speech writer and his Vice President pick during a rally. America, meet your new rulers!

Cain's position on foreign affairs has always been nebulous to say the least. When asked by journalists, Cain retorted that there is no country in the world that is more important than Pokémon Land, and that we should mobilize the totality of the nation's army to protect it at all costs. He also inquired if there were many countries besides the USA and Pokémon Land on Earth, if any at all, and whether or not they had women to harass. Hot women. "The kind that won't sue over some petty rape, you know?"

Regarding the rampant wars, Mr. Cain mentioned that he always thought that "iRaq" and "iRan" were two new gizmos similar to the iPod. He apologized for the mishap, saying he might have heard these names on his television set, but he was too busy playing with his Pikachu puppets. He then wondered if anybody in attendance had seen Pokémon: The Movie 2000. "If you saw it, you have witnessed that incredible things can happen when the American people work together. That was the real shit!" he said with his trademark smile.

Cain tended to have a problem with the unfamiliar, as though he could not understand why anyone would care what goes on outside the USA's borders (except Israel). This explains his bumbling, incoherent answer to the situation in Libya:

“Do I agree with what Obama did in Libya?... Uh... I... uhhhhhhh... derp? No, that can't be right! Uhhh... Um... C'mon Cain, baby, think! Yes? No, wait, that's a different one. Um... Which country are we talking about again?”

~ Herman Cain on Libya

It is just as well he wasn't asked about Syria, Yemen, or Somalia. Perhaps Cain shares the prejudice that anyone who knows a lot about other countries must be less interested in their own. Conclusion: you must be a terrorist. It's a simpler alternative than that the candidate is a political ignoramus.

Groping accusations activities

The exemplary Herman Cain shows Republican voters that he shares their sense of family values.

Mr. Cain was praised behind the doors of his political activities for doing what he did best; reassuring the American people that there is nothing wrong at all with manually reaching for the genitalia of his female counterparts. After all, this is how human beings reproduce, the Presidential hopeful stressed. In that regard, he was a very strong pro-choice candidate, as he would have countless offspring if his various female "mates" didn't have the choice.

His campaign staff suggested a more libertarian approach should be encouraged in the Public Schooling system. In his "No Child Left without Groping a Behind" program, Mr. Cain advocated that the fundamental sexual harassment techniques be taught to all children across America, much following his leading example.


Herman Cain, Don King and Herman Munster.

Ubeki Beki Beki Beki Stan Stan

Herman Cain was criticized for his quote, "And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki Beki Beki Beki Stan Stan I’m going to say, you know, I don't know. Do you know?" But Cain was actually just referring to the middle east country by that name. And who is the Prime Minister of Canada? he was asked. "Who cares? If I ever need a can of maple syrup, I'll ask someone to tell me her name and I'll call her." When joined and asked to comment, 'Stephanie' Harper politely declined.

On a related matter, when he was asked by the journalistic brass to name the nations the United States are currently occupying, a long, embarrassed pause ensued where Cain appeared to be making monumental cognitive efforts to remember, after which he retorted: "Kiraquoqwiwi, Libabebibobebibya, and Afghani-gaini-giny-Stan-Stan."

Princess Nancy

Speaker of the House Nanci Pelosi made a little naughty remark about Mr. Cain regarding his molestation pastime. Using his great judgment as usual, Cain retorted by referring to Ms. Pelosi by the nickname he always bestowed on everything he ever groped: princess. Wise thing to do when you're right in the middle of a sexual scandal, Cain's campaign thought.

Herman Cain in a nutshell

Black walnuts: Hard to come by, hard to get rid of.

Cain coined the name "black walnut" for himself. The name fit perfectly because Cain and black walnuts were both black, and nuts. If his political career crashed and burned, Cain was expected to use that name for a future comic book superhero called "The Black Walnut". Has Danny Glover retired?


Cain's last public appearance was in 2020, at President Donald Trump's Million-MAGA-Hat March in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Proudly mask-free in the Coronavirus pandemic, he hugged everyone who said nice things about him, notably at least one copy of the virus. He was gone within a month, survived by Democrats gloating that he finally got his comeuppance for believing all those things.

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