Libertarianism

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The mascot of libertarianism is the charming rattlesnake.

Libertarianism, often known as lolbertarianism, is a political philosophy based on liberty; except that at nominating conventions, it is often known as libertinism and is based on libido. Libertarianism is most often practiced in the Libertarian Party, and rarely practiced in any actual legislature.

History[edit]

Libertarianism is believed to have started in early 1884 when founding fathers John Locke and Thomas Jefferson decided to spice up their liberal values in order to impress Ayn Rand with whom they both were in love. When Miss Rand chose to propose to L Ron Hubbard instead, the two gentlemen founded the libertarian principle Anything Goes, lost their marbles and tried to assassinate Mr. Hubbard, an attempt that failed when John Locke sneezed, being allergic to gun powder.

Political views[edit]

1992 Libertarian candidate for President

The essence of libertarianism is that control-happy governments should just let citizens take care of themselves like grown-ups. Citizens are more-or-less intelligent and have free will, and so should be capable of making their own decisions through the free use (or non-use) of their dollars. (The old silver certificates only, as Libertarians are going to abolish the Federal Reserve.) Be it world peace or Pepsi, consumers shape the world they want through the goods or services they demand. (At some point, it appears that people started to desire Pepsi more than world peace, though this is obviously not the fault of Pepsi.) This belief has prompted some badass one-liners, such as the slogan "Your rights end where mine begin" and bringing back the "Don't tread on me" Gadsden flag from the Revolutionary War.

Most libertarians believe that politicians of the major parties are fat, ugly fugly vampires who feed by sucking the free spirit out of the backbones of ordinary citizens. Libertarians decry government power merged with corporate power merged with the military-industrial complex. They also decry the spreading police state, endless wars, and bail-outs of rich bankers and investors. Libertarians often meet to "have a good decry." To quote Lysander Spooner, "War is the health of the state," and libertarians are about having the state be atrophied whenever possible. Therefore, ironically, they support the War on the State — which, they assure us, will be launched "any day now."

Examples of the liberties in which libertarians believe are as follows:

  • The liberty to practice any cult or religion, including worship of Atheism as a non-religion and non-cult.
  • The liberty to have sex in public, anytime, anywhere. Even with yourself.
  • The liberty to refuse to hire someone on the basis of his race, sexual orientation, religion, or smoking habit, just because.
  • The liberty to acquire enormous sums of fiat money, even though they claim it is worthless.
  • The liberty to acquire any number of weapons and hire mercenaries, which would never be used to oppress anybody else.
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Libertarians refuse to believe our leaders are democratically elected (or they would be Democrats, wouldn't they?), nor that the United States is still a Constitutional Republic (or they would be Republicans). This cynicism drives many libertarians toward total escape. This may take several forms:

  • Going "off the grid," where the libertarian frequently has to politick his neighbor for a pitcher of water in which to bathe, because his solar-powered rain purification system has failed again.
  • Moving to a secluded part of the United States (typically a National Forest or a Wilderness Area), though his loud cries for liberty are now only heard by raccoons.
  • Leaving the United States entirely for a foreign country, where he is finally free of U.S. law, though he is expected to report monthly to the police and is jailed for life if he brought his gun with him. It is rare to see someone swimming across the Rio Grande in the wrong direction, but if you see one, he is a libertarian.

Comparison with Classical Liberalism[edit]

Classical Liberalism and Libertarianism are often confused by Brits who want to take cheap shots at the foundations of American political philosophy, and who are in denial about history and the happy fact that Americans won their little Revolutionary War and are, duh, winning! Or at least were winning up until the last few decades before the state grew too big and the masses became dumbed-down because state education does not encourage people to think for themselves and be strong willed, free thinking individuals who remember where their country came from in the first place. As such, Brits often partake in a bit of sadistic glee in watching our national downfall unfold.

Classical Liberalism (which is a more pleasant description than Obsolete Liberalism) started as people attempting to free themselves from authority, which at that time meant the British Monarchy. As soon as a new old authority came along in the form of corporations the Federal Reserve (see Rothschilds), Classical Liberals realized that Americans were now going to be wage slaves no matter what economic policies the federal government enacted. People against Authority later changed their name to Libertarians once the idea of big government authoritarianism somehow became synonymous with being "progressive". Why this happened, the classical liberals will probably never know. Later, capitalists Republicans realized that Libertarianism protects the rights of individuals to property ownership and the free market system, though they paid little attention to the civil liberties aspect of libertarianism which is actually far more fundamental to the philosophy than economics. Anti-Authoritarians have since tried to use the word Anarchist to escape the capitalists Republicans finally, but the capitalists Republicans still trying to be one step ahead tried to use Anarcho-Capitialism, though the Libertarians called them out on that move too, and dubbed the term "neo-cons".

The Libertarian Song[edit]

To honor the sacred libertarian cause, prog-metal pioneer Neil Peart and famous novelist Ayn Rand's Ghost wrote these immortal lyrics of protest, which have been set to a famously stirring melody (Peart later disavowed libertarianism):

When the Libertarians come to town
Everything will turn upside down
No one will wear a frown
When the Libertarians come to town

The government will shrink to naught
Your coffee will always be hot
And it will be the cheapest you've ever bought
When the Libertarians come to town

You won't have to pay income taxes
No need to worry about downsizers' axes
The best companies will send you faxes
When the Libertarians come to town

The invisible Hand of Nature will keep
Every business exec and veep
On the straight and narrow, and we all will reap
Peace and plenty when the Libertarians come to town

The free market will improve every school
Child geniuses will become the rule
Our learning will make every nation drool
When the Libertarians come to town

When the Libertarians to Washington come
The streets will clear of vandals and bums
Pimps and pushers will get to run
Safe and legal businesses for everyone
When the Libertarians come to town

Send in the Libertarians...
Send in the Libertarians...
Won't someone, please, send in the Libertarians...
Sob.

How to spot a libertarian[edit]

A libertarian in mating season

The typical "modern libertarian" is an anti-government, beer-drinking, crack-smoking, gun-toting, bomb-making, orgy-participating, porn-loving, South Park-watching, straight, male, American "don't fuck with me" motherfucker who lives with his mom and hates the state. Cheap sex, deadly flavors of the evil weed known as pot, and the latest and greatest style of handguns being available in every convenience store wouldn't concern a libertarian in the least. Nor would it really bother them all that much if the government cut costs by shutting down all the prisons and laying off the military. Libertarians are also known for opposing those evil commies and Arab types who seek to tyrannize the world with economic and personal repression based on dumb statist values and compassion paid for with other people's money. This includes, in the U.S.: the Democrats, Republicans, Ron Paul, Rand Paul and the Quakers; and in Canada: the Liberals, NDP, Greens, and Mounted Rangers.

A libertarian protesting to support big business.

A Libertarian can be one of two people. The type of Republican you never see, named Fat-Cats, or the type of Democrats you don't want to see, named Politically Active Hippies. All forty-nine party members are difficult to find. There are very specific instructions in order to catch one.

  • You'll have to wait for the autumnal equinox, as Libertarians are known to fly south for the summer. Once the first leaves start to turn orange and fall from trees, they'll migrate back to their colder environments. Along this journey, the majestic Libertarian will find itself faced with all kinds of perils: Swimming upstream, crossing the street against the light, and the polar bear from Lost. These trials will quickly slough away the migratory layer of fat that the party member gained when it burst forth from its cocoon just prior to the equinox, requiring nourishment to maintain its million mile journey home.
  • Supplies are as follows: A cardboard box, a plate, a wad of twenties, some pot, a stick, a length of rope, a square of cardboard, a sharpie pen, and a faux bush. Place the goods onto the plate, and prop the box up with the stick. With your sharpie, write on the square of cardboard "FREE MONEYZ + POT!!!!" and place it to the right of the box (your right, the box's left). Finally, set up the faux bush to the left of the box (your left, the box's right) and hide behind it with the rope securely tied to the stick.
  • Now, wait. Eventually, a wandering Libertarian will poke its head out of its hole. Should the Libertarian see you, it will immediately grow to 50 times its size and... Shall we say the result will not be pretty? This is why you are hidden behind your bush! Lucky you! When the target scampers to the plate, quickly yank the stick and trap him or her in the box! Hurrah!
  • But you're not finished yet, no sir. You merely have an Libertarian-in-a-box. The first thing you'll have to do is wait a little longer. Inside a box is not the natural habitat for the wild Libertarian. The domesticated breed is comfortable with this settings, certainly, but unless you're in The Czech Republic it will be impossible to find any calm and domesticated party members. This is why you've placed pot and cash in the box. S/he will use their natural ability to spit embers to ignite the twenties and smoke their new bounty. Hopefully this will calm the captured beast after a half hour or so.

Libertarians and the Internet[edit]

It is a well-known fact that since most Libertarians are engineers and IT guys, they rule the internet. However, in real life, their unkempt appearance and breath that smells of stale coffee and halitosis (a fake disease concocted by Listerine) means that they usually are not taken seriously.

However, it is mainly their near anarchistic anti-regulatory fault that you get so much ads and fake news.

Libertarians and charity[edit]

There is a train of thought popular with the religious right that tends to regard Libertarians as a bunch of self-centered, tax-avoiding uncharitable atheist Scrooges, but this is far from the case. In 2008, for example, the Libertarian funded "Give A Shit For The Starving Africans" foundation managed to raise 333,000,000 cubic tonnes of pot brownies which was duly shipped to the poorer areas. Reactions to this display of generosity were very positive, especially among Libertarians.

See also[edit]