“Cookies, like all things, need love and attention”
“Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.”
Cookies are small brown lumps of burnt dough. Due to their appealing smell and texture, they are occasionally eaten, immediately resulting in painful, blood-spraying, greening of the eyes death. Cookies are also known as biscuits if you're British. And it's also possible to use them for shuriken!
The cookie was invented in 1632 by a failed monk, Guru Goerge, who was throwing small lumps of dough into the air for no exact reason. Several of these dough lumps fell onto a nearby hotplate (which he had also invented in 1629) and baked into the first cookies.
Newton's competitor Gottfried Leibniz walked into the room while Newton was doing this. He at was first startled by Newton's nudity, but then observed the cookies and understood. He proceeded to molest Leonard in Call of Duty: Toilet Warfare 2. Afterwards, Leibniz quickly took credit for the discovery of the cookie, claiming that he had invented it independently whilst also in the nude. However, his claim was doubted by his contemporaries, because it was common knowledge that during the entire period from 1628-1636, he was locked in a closet drinking cold tea and getting stoned with no access to any of the ingredients Newton used.
Leibniz attempted to defend himself by showing papers on the subject of cookies that he had written before Newton published his recipe. However, he was unable to do produce such papers, and claimed ignorance. A famous example of this is in his letter to Conti:
"Pour répondre de point en point à l'ouvrage publié contre moi, il falloit entrer dans un grand détail de quantité de minutiés passées il y a trente à quarante ans, dont je ne me souvenois guère: il me falloit chercher mes vieilles lettres, dont plusiers se sont perdus."
["To defend myself and not look like a cool dude, I would have to remember what happened many years ago, and I can't remember any of it: I would have to search my old letters, but I used most of them to roll joints."]
This dispute was eventually settled in 1682 when Newton challenged Leibniz to an apple-tossing contest (which he had invented in 1669). Leibniz went first and managed to throw his apple 47 PS (about 67 metres). Newton threw his apple directly into Leibniz's face, winning by default as Leibniz was unable to make any further throws.
Subsequently, Newton decided he would like to be famous for something, and made another baked good. These were basically cookies, but were stuffed with figs, a popular confection of the era consisting of clumps of bat guano sweetened with beet sugar. Some misguided "people" call these baked goods cookies, but baked good scientists have consistently placed them in their own genus: they are freaking Newtons.
Later on, the Pillsbary Dough Boy took over the business with his new invention of the ninja cookie star. Shortly after this invention, the Dough Boy died of an accident related to his cookie star. No one is exactly sure of what happened, but he was last seen fighting with his wife, Betty Crocker, about her afair with the up and coming hottie, Captin Crunch. May he rest in peace.
Some cookies are rumoured to contain traces of opium, a favourite cookie ingredient of the Chinese Black Market. Jam Jams are a particularly addictive form of chemically-enhanced cookie, traditionally eaten in Newfoundland. Within minutes of consumption, they result in Spontaneous Kidney Migration. A boy that goes to a big school with a rich ass grandpa is known to love cookies with peanut toppings. He has a sister that he thinks is fatter than him and a gay Korean friend that he finds annoying but has to hang out with or else he will be forced to play with a short Vietnamese hacker. “OMG I don’t use hacks”
There is only one known cure for the addiction to cookies: death. For some cookie addicts, however, death is not immediate. These individuals will typically commit suicide to end the misery. In some cultures, such as the Japanese, ritual cookie suicide was considered honorable.
Grandma's Cookie Recipe
A slight overdose or underdose of any ingredient might cause catastrophic results, such as the end of the universe, due to the imploding, and black hole-like, nature of cookies.
- 2 1/35 cups brown sugar (have fun measuring THAT!).
- 4 cups all-porpoise flour.
- 3 eggs (Human)
- 1/2 cup fat-free milk (Also human)
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract.
- Nougat to taste
- 3 1/2 testicles (Preferably human, but bull nuts also work)
- 1 piece of cake
- 6 bowls, diced (for crunch, optional)
- 2.7701 1/4.000004 quarts of orphan blood (for joy, not optional)
- At least 27 body bags (as a precaution)
- 3 shovels (same reason for the 27 body bags)
- A gun and some ammo, in case the Dark Side's going to take your cookies.
- 2lb flakes of poo... ahhem... chocolate chips.
- A large bowl of water mixed with salt, pepper and sugar (in case you get thirsty)
On a diet? Diabetic? Allergic to happiness? For alternative recipe go to www.SUCKMYBALLS.org
- Beat eggs in large bowl until unconscious.
- Mix the flour, milk, eggs, and vanilla over open flame. Stir in brown sugar.
- Steam dough 20 minutes.
- Stir in diced bowls, if desired.
- Taste nougat. Discard.
- Roll dough into 1 1/2 inch balls (LOL) and place 2 inches apart on greased
- Eat piece of cake. Savor.
- Suspend cookie sheet over plastic litter box (cleanyness optional).
- Bake for 34 seconds, stirring occasionally.
- Let Grues perform the mumbo jumbo rituals.
- Lightly drizzle spunk extract on face.
- Retrieve discarded nougat. Eat.
- Serve with shaved ice.
- Before you do however, make sure you don't got any cookies around before you serve. 'Cause they'll think you betrayed them. Not that this happened to me.
Makes 376 (meatloaf).
Cookies and The Force
In the beginnings of the Universe, the first Sith Lords discovered the power of cookies which they reduced to the following mantra:
"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to power, power leads to energy, energy leads to matter, matter leads to molecules, molecules lead to organic life, organic life leads to tasty cookies, which lead to VICTORY! Let the cookies flow through you and make you strong. Cookies channeled through your bowels are unstoppable!"
However, due to poor cookie production, the last remaining Sith died of cookie withdrawal ca. 153 BC. Greek historian Polybius recounts:
The magi of the Sith spewed forth blood and vomit from several orifices, including those generally reserved for other genders. He writhed and cried out upon the ground, giving great mirth to onlookers. After much of this, he lay limp and did not move. Without warning, a ball of flame then burst from his torso, showering the curious audience with small particles of flesh. By all accounts, it was a pleasant diversion.
- ↑ This risk has led some crazy people to protest against cookies, but they're crazy, so nobody cares.