Paula Deen
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Paula Deen is the second mainstay of the snack eating and obese food industry and the figurehead of Myocardial Infarctions. She is best known also as a jolly fat chef on the Food Network.
Early life[edit]
Paula was born January 19th, 1947 in a small, little-known trailer trash village called Albany somewhere near the birthplace of racism, which was also known as Georgia. Her mother and father died early in her life and she quickly fell into a lasting fit of depression that she has slowly eaten herself out of. Her technique for dealing with grief was cooking large amounts of fattening foods which she soon after consumed. This led to great weight gain and massive arterial clog. She eventually made it her life goal to become the fattest chef alive and continued to cook well after her grieving had passed.
She didn't just become the fattest chef alive though, she became the fattest person in the world until her 12th heart attack in which she finally dropped down to her birth weight of 260 pounds. She created a new restaurant company, starting out small and working her way to owning a major chain. The first restaurant was called 'Bag Lady'. It was a place in which the everyday kid could come and get a traditional, southern, fattening, bag lunch. Paula Deen thought this would be a good way to get her name out there, and at the same time, pander to her perverse emotions towards children which involved molesting them. She also dabbled in necrophilia by poisoning their sack lunches. Word quickly spread, and her legacy began. Unfortunately her Bag Lady chain was shut down in a massive court battle by Michael Jackson. The official reason for this was not publicized, but it is believed that Michael Jackson wanted the pedophile monopoly in the United States.
The Food Network[edit]
Deen's relationship with Food Network began in 1993, when a friend introduced her to the president of the new channel. He saw talent in Paula, mainly in the bedroom, but it turned out that she could actually cook. He thought it would be a good idea to show the world her talent of making incredibly fattening and dangerous foods then eating them all front of camera on her very own television series. Quickly agreeing, Paula had a lot of work to do to prepare for her new position on her show. He took her through the city for a series of grocery shopping trips which turned out to be more of a mass butter purchase than anything else.
She later appeared on "Ready, Set, EAT BUTTER!" Deen was invited to shoot a pilot named "Crisco Gorging" in early 2001. The network liked it, but didn't yet have a place for her. The network eventually gave Deen her own show, "Butter - The Paula Experience", which premiered in 2002.
Her first show went superb. Every commercial break they had to put her on oxygen and Twinkie injections, otherwise she would pass out from standing so long due to lack of blood pressure, blood sugar and oxygen to the brain. Paula soon came up with her own award-winning diet and cookbook. Her diet changed (killed) millions of Americans forever. The diet consisted of Crisco Cake, Lard Muffins, Lard shakes, lardburgers, In-and-Out Lard, McLards, Stuffed Whipped Cream Loafs and the Triple Stack Grease Beast Diabetic Delight. Her cookbook titled: "Everyday Fatass Country Cookin'" was a New York Times Best seller along with her memoir, "I CAN'T HELP MYSELF".
Medical status[edit]
On February 23rd, 2009, Paula went to her monthly medical workover, which was one of the stipulations of her contract with Food Network due to her immense size and eating habits, and found out from the doctor that there was a small tub of Häagen-Dazs ice cream lodged in her Aorta. Upon correctional surgery, the doctors found that her heart had actually stopped beating a few months back. They were amazed that she was still alive. It seems that a weird mix of food and severe contamination from Jesus Dioxide led to another, healthier heart growing side by side with the dying original. Her original heart had been saturated in whipped cream. They completely removed Paula's old heart, and she continued to function normally (if you can consider that functioning).
Present day[edit]
Paula Deen continues to make crappy shows for the food network, cooking the same cholesterol inducing meals, over and over again. Her plans for the eventual mass genocide of the global populace through taste-friendly foods is still going according to plan, unscathed by Al Gore. This is most likely because she molests him repeatedly, every time taking a little more of his power. Al Gore's recent weight gain is caused by the mass amounts of trans fat injected into his food deliberately by Paula Dean in order to destroy his influence completely.
"N-word" controversy[edit]
Paula Deen's recent admission to referring to her slaves as "N words" on one or two rare occasions has stirred the melting pot to the point of a roiling boil and ousted her fat ass from the food network. According to Paula, "I knew the N word was a dirty word from the time I was knee high to a grasshopper, and tried to avoid talking about anyone whose mere mention would cause my mama to scrape my teeth across a bar of brown laundry soap. I was fully aware from a young age that the black folks were akin to shit, fuck, damn and cunt and therefore must never be mentioned. I apologize to America for mentioning the banned people whose name must never be mentioned. I didn't realize that the welfare folks could afford to watch my show."