A god-awful narrative on how Final Fantasy I changed my life
The world is veiled in darkness. The wind stops, the sea is wild, and the earth begins to rot. The people wait, their only hope, a prophecy…. ‘When the world is in darkness four warriors will come….’ After a long journey, four young warriors arrive, each holding an ORB.
This is the beginning to the greatest game known to all of mankind, Final Fantasy I.
Overview[edit]
For those of you who are too lazy to bother reading this masterpiece, or even just copying and pasting it onto a word document so you can read it sometime in the future, the objective of Final Fantasy I is to restore these four orbs – one orb represents the power of earth, one represents the power of fire, one represents the power of water and one represents the power of wind – which have lost their luster when four alien fiends – Lich, the Fiend of the Earth; Kary, the Fiend of Fire; Kraken, the Fiend of Water and Tiamat, the Fiend of Wind – decided to come over to this world with three major continents on it, which you’re supposed to save. However there are many other minor “bosses” along the way, including Garland, Astos, the Vampire and the Eye, as well as a major hidden power at the end that’s secretly sock-puppeting the Four Fiends from 2000 years in the past, who I am not going to reveal the name of just yet. You can select between six characters for your four warriors (which you can read up on a little bit more in this section of the official Uncyclopedia article on Final Fantasy I). I'd definitely go with the Fighter, because he's a BAMF. Also, you might need the Red Mage because he's a pimp. The black mage is pretty important also, and he looks like a Vietnamese guy. And although the White Mage looks like a WASP, she's pretty friendly towards non-Anglo-Saxon races and only kills those she's supposed to kill. Anyway, the most important thing you need to know about Final Fantasy I is that you’re supposed to save the orphans bring power back to the four orbs.
Chapter one[edit]
I am here in the city of Coneria. Everyone here seems in panic. It turns out that the Princess was dropped at the bottom of a wishing well kidnapped. Who kidnapped her? None other than John Wayne Gacy Garland. Damn that bastard Garland! I think.
It looks like we're in for a long game. I gotta pop some Uriah Heep into my CD player if I'm going to make this through.
[I pop Uriah Heep's Demons & Wizards album; "The Wizard" plays; I sing along.]
So through the forests outside the city limits of Coneria I go, northwest to the Temple of Fiends, where Garland has a hold of Princess Sara! I will rescue Princess Sara and maybe then we'll shag together.
So I arrive at the Temple of Fiends, after battling a few imps, and I meet up with this Garland bloke for the first time. He was all: "No one touches my ho! LIGHT WARRIORS? You white muddafuckas! I, Garland, will beat yo sorry cracka asses!"
So I'm all, "Why don't you go fuck your garden, Garland?"
What I said must have pissed him off, because he and my gang of four got straight into a fight to the death. Garland had an HP of only 106 thankfully, so we kicked his ass pretty easily. It was actually kind of pathetic.
So we walk over to the princess, she looked like a cartoon representation of some Swedish megababe, and she's all "Thanks for saving my life, Light Warriors!" and she gives our ringleader a blowjob, which was pretty fuckin' gnarly.
So we show back up at Castle Coneria. The king is there. He says something like, "Yo nigga, I built ya a bridge, nigga! Thanks for rescuain' my daughta! Come back again soon, Light Warriors! You bad-ass muthafuckas! Now go out to that bridge and over to that Russian-sounding city invaded by pirates. No seriously, there's a lot of trouble going on out there. No seriously, I swear to God! No, I mean it! HONEST TO GOD! Why don't you believe me dammit! I'm telling no lies! God damn it! Does it look like I'm lying? Does it look like I'm lying! I'm not lying! That ain't no joke! You can disappear in smoke! YOU HEAR ME?! DISAPPEAR IN SMOKE! Seriously, be gone. You need to cross that bridge I built and save Pravoka. No seriously. Stop neglecting the bridge. Why are you ignoring the bridge I built for you? You know how many men died building the bridge? Seven! SEVEN! So pay tribute to those seven men and walk on that bridge. Cross the bridge to the continent. Go on! See the rest of the world! Go on with your journey! GO ON! God damn it! I told you to go on! This is it! You four are the world's only hope. So start your journey! Start your journey, grasshoppers. You have much to learn. Much. ......... Why are you still here? Why? WHY? WHY! WHY! WHY! Okay, you got till the count of three. One. Two. Oh wait! The reason you're still is here because I haven't stopped talking yet, have I? Sorry about that, sometimes I let being the king go to my head. I won't bother you anymore. Start your journey. (Don't you) Forget about me."
Chapter two[edit]
So to Pravoka we went. When we approached the bridge, we were confronted by a troll who wanted us to either pay the 75-cent fee for crossing his bridge, or else he would eat us alive an annoying screen with an image of the silhouettes of the four warriors standing on a hill with a box in the upper left-hand corner announcing the true beginning of our journey.
And so, their journey begins....
So what was the point with fighting Garland?
What awaits the Four, they do not know.
Oh, I know, trust me.
Each holding an ORB, that 2000 years ago shined with beauty from within. But now, only darkness.
Um yeah, I'm pretty sure we already knew that.
Come!! Start your journey! Return the light of peace to our world.
I'll try to, although deep in the cell of my heart, the idea of the fate of the world lying in the hands of four warriors seems preposterous, but I like it anyway.
PROGRAMMED BY NASIR
Wow! One guy programmed this entire game?
CHARACTER DESIGN: YOSITAKA AMANO
Yositaka Amano, I assume he's Japanese or of Japanese descent.
SCENARIO BY KENJI TERADA
Kenji Terada: same thing there.
PRODUCTION OF SQUARE A-TEAM
Ah man, I bet Square A-Team gets a lot of chicks.
[FADES OUT.]
All right, now time for the real journey.
On the way to Pravoka, we ran into some wild horses, otherwise known as Madponies. "Wow, those madponies have huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge dicks!!!!!" said my White Mage. Oh no, not eroticism involving horses. DEAR GOD! This is going to be like my ex-girlfriend and the Horse Incident all over again. NO!!! So the White Mage fucked the horse's brains out we killed the Mad Pony with little hesitation.
We moved onward. To our rights, through the swamp, through the forests, through the plains, then we head south and we're heading near Pravoka.
Pravoka seems to be like this Sergio Leone spaghetti western-like setting. Very quiet. Hardly a soul around. [The theme for The Good, the Bad and the Ugly plays in my head.]
Oh wait, there's one resident, thank God. What do you have to say, young man? "Help!"
Okay, I'll figure that out later.
Oh, another resident, kind of looks like a punk with his hair all spiked up. He says to me, "This town has been invaded by pirates."
Okay. REQUE THE MUSIC WHILE I GO FIND THESE PIRATES.
Then we run into the big boss, Bikke the Pirate. He says "Aye, I am Bikke the Pirate, and surprised I am that you scurvy dogs have the nerve to face to me. Mates! Get those landlubbers!" or he says something like that. I can't quite remember at this moment.
My warriors are surrounded by nine pirates, which might not be many, and it's even more embarrassing when you realize that each pirate only has an HP of 9. We kill the pirates pretty easily. My Fighter hits like hell, my White Mage hits them too, my Black Mage uses the FIRE spell on them, and so does my Red Mage. We kill eight pirates in two rounds, and the third and final round is reserved for killing the last living pirate, which we sort of use an overhaul on. We won! Every pirate, except Bikke, is dead. YAY!
Bikke proceeds by saying, "Okay, you got me. Here, take my SHIP," or something like that.
Everybody in Pravoka then comes out of hiding and the town is saved.
"There are many dangerous monsters in the sea. Be careful!" warns one resident. Yeah. There is a saying in my family: I DO WHAT I WANT.
AND I'ZE GOT ME A SHIP, BIOTCH!
[I hop into my ship, "Let Me Ride" by Dr. Dre starts playing out of nowhere.]
Just rolling in my 64
Wit all da niggaz sayin'
Slow down, please Dre, stop, and a-let me ride
Chapter three[edit]
I can't believe I now have my own set of wheels ores! This is awesome! And this boat comes with a radio/CD player? Ah no way! I got to turn on some tunes that rock!!
Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaa
Yeah!!
Racing down the road, in a street machine of steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
Gears are jammed in full, I'm the madman at the wheel
Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar
I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
Driving like a maniac
I can't go any faster
I'm burnin' up the road
And headin' for disaster
Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar
I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
<Gnarly guitar solo>
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!'
Racing down the road, in a street machine of steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
Gears are jammed in full, I'm the madman at the wheel
Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar
I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing mad
Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar
I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!
While I was sailing my boat across the Aldi Sea at breakneck speeds, we ran into gang of Kyzokus, which are badass Japanese pirates who wear purple, or blue, depending on what kind of pigmentation your television has. (Not like those sissy Russian pirates I killed at Pravoka.) What did the Kyzokus want? The Fistful of Metal CD I was playing on my boat stereo. Like soldiers of metal, we fought to the death for the CD. We won.
We got back to Coneria for some rest and relaxation. After taking five (and some pancakes and syrup) at the good old inn, we went around town and trapped everybody there except the city sage into a corner. It was a hell of a time.
We then took a little walk northeast of Coneria and by the end of our walk, we found a cave. OOOOOOOOH! SPOOKY!! In the cave were a couple of brooms speaking sdrawkcab and at the back of the cave was a witch - or so she said she was, I think she's probably just an agoraphobic who lives in a cave - who claimed her crystal was missing. She said she couldn't see a thing without her crystal. I think I have a hunch on who stole the crystal, but it might not be who I'm thinking of.
Come to think of it, no it isn't. It couldn't be him at all.
It looks like a need new hunch. I'll travel southwest to ElfLand to see if I can obtain any more information.
I traveled across the Aldi Sea from north to south to reach the other end of it to go to ElfLand. Once I got into the city, I ran into an elf who thought was that kind of guy who likes to greet tourists, but you know what that asshat says instead: Yeah, that's right. "Save our Prince!" I was like, "WTF, dude? What's that all about?" I then thought maybe I should go to the castle to get the full story.
So I burst rushed into the castle. The two guards at the main gate say this: “Astos put the Prince to sleep. Please! Save him!” Okay. That’s a little bit maniacal for guards, don’t you think?
I hope to obtain more information from a calmer guard that is further down the hallway. You! Yeah you! What do you have to say?
“Without warning, Astos attacked our castle. Our Prince was laid under a curse, and our treasury ransacked.” Damn! This Astos sounds like he knows how to party!
I then head into the Prince’s chamber, opening the door very quietly so I do not disturb the Prince’s beauty sleep. I run into some dude who I think was like the Prince’s father or something. He says to me, “For five years the Prince has slept under Astos’ spell. Only HERB can wake him!” Who the hell is Herb and where can I find him? I turn over to the Prince, and all he says is, “z…. z….” He is most definitely asleep. I can tell you that for sure.
I walk out of the chamber and into the courtyard. I see another elf taking a cigarette break or something. I talk to him, and this is what he said:
| “ | It is said there is a witch who has HERBS. I believe that her name is…. Matoya! | ” |
Wait a second! That sounds awfully familiar. It sounds like what that one woman in Pravoka told me: “The Elves live across the sea. Matoya’s HERB is the only thing that will wake their prince.”
Wait a second! HERB isn’t a person at all. It’s an object.
<Pause>
Wait a second! Matoya is that woman in the cave I ran into a while back.
My God. This is starting to become an interlocking story.
Well, if I need to kill this Astos fellow – God only knows why, because there is nothing wrong with Astos, he just wants to have fun, like Heath Ledger as the Joker or Malcolm McDowell as Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange, which by the way kids, please don’t see that movie; not seeing it will really help your mental health, if only I could turn back the clock and un-watch it, I would be a much happier man – I am going to train up to face him off. But it won’t be easy. I love him. (And what’s wrong with a man stealing his ex-wife’s crystal ball?)
Training
I travel across the Aldi Sea, facing off villainy this way and that; I’m in my boat by the way, I don’t have that CANOE yet. Damn it, I just ruined something for you, please forgive me.
I have impulses. That is, to fight whatever comes in my way, to stop whatever threatens my crew, to end piracy on the seas, not so much in DVD sales, but definitely on the sea. I am going to drive this boat at 60 nautical miles per hour like a crazy man who’s had three straight martinis and I will play my Hawkwind at full blast. No I will not turn it down. I Need it. And also, I’d like to briefly thank you, RAHB, for introducing me to Hawkwind.
I GOT TO STEER THIS BOAT LIKE MANIAC OR ELSE I WON’T FORGIVE MYSELF.
LIVING BEYOND DEATH I FEEL THE SENSATION! I’M HEADING FOR THE CRISIS OF ALL CREATION! I FEEL LIKE JESUS CHRIST HEADING FOR DESTRUCTION ON THE CROSS! HEADING FOR DESTRUCTION ON THE CROSS! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! ALL RIGHT! DEATH TRAP, ALL RIGHT! FEEL LIKE A HERO HEADING FOR EXTINCTION, WHAT’S YOUR LOSS? I FEEL LIKE A HERO… HEADING FOR EXTINCTION! WHAT’S YOUR LOSS? DEATH TRAP! DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! CRUISING IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! CRUISING IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! LOSING IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! ALL RIGHT!!!!
Chapter four[edit]
I train and I train. I sail through the Aldi Sea, fighting the rapacity that now dominates its waves. I head over to a cave on the west end of the sea, populated by dwarves. (Not elves, dwarves. The difference between dwarves and elves is that dwarves are real things, and elves aren't or at least as far as I know they aren't.) A dwarf says to me, "With the CRYSTAL, even the blind can see. Astos stole it from Matoya." I hear his name again, but should I give a damn? Another dwarf named Nerrick says that he's building a canal, but a rock stands in the way of the isthmus, preventing him from completing the canal, and what he needs is trinitrotoluene - or TNT, for those of you who are simpletons - to get the rock out of the way. I talk to another elf, who says "Did you meet Smith, our blacksmith?" What a funny name for a blacksmith, don't you think? I mean, can picture someone calling him Blacksmith Smith? That would be funnier than Hell. I walk into Smith's room. There's swords, a furnace, an iron and a dwarf: Yup, this has to be him. He says, "For the LIGHT WARRIORS I will make a truly legendary sword. However, my supply of ADAMANT is exhausted." I turn to my left hand side to see the swords. Smith says to me, "No! That is just an unusable sample." This ADAMANT could be stolen by Astos, but I'm not going to assume too much about him.
I have no idea where Astos is. Perhaps the villagers in ElfLand can help me with this. One villager tells me, "Astos wears a disguise, and lurks in seclusion." Well, being that I haven't seen much of the world, for all I know, he could be hiding anywhere. Anywhere after all. Another villager tells me, "Long ago I wandered to the Northwest. I found an ancient castle that was so spooky, I left immediately." Oh yeah, now I remember, back when I was nine, I watched my dad play Final Fantasy in my bedroom, and I don't remember that much of it, but I do remember Astos living in a castle, but I hitherto couldn't remember where the castle is, but now I know - and if you don't know, now you know (nigga). Another thing was that Astos was quite the fancy dresser, but I'll get to that later, I promise; hell, I'll probably even devote an entire chapter to his looks, per chance. So I head to the northwest, to see if the castle that the elf was talking about is in fact Astos' castle. I have a feeling, but I don't know for sure. So I head through forest, move past a river, and head through another forest and find a castle. I walk into the castle, it seems pretty damned ruined if you ask me and I'm not sure what kind of king - if at all - would want to live here. There is a chamber. I head in; I see someone who looks like Astos but might not be. I talk to this king; he says: "Astos double-crossed us. Go south, to the Cave of Marsh, to retrieve the CROWN. Then, bring it directly back to me!"
Well, this obviously must be The Lone King. He seems ostensibly innocent, but the way he dresses makes me a bit suspicious. I train up some more so I can head south to the Cave of Marsh and get the CROWN. I get to the Cave of Marsh, and what I find there is a shithole that makes Chernobyl look like Kiev. Disgusting bats everywhere I turn, the undead to my left and to my right, and some guy playing an awful and half-wrong rendition of Rimsky Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebees" somewhere in the background. God only knows how a CROWN wound up in someplace as awful as this – what I’m trying to say here is that the desirability standards of this cave are so low that it would make a one-star rat-infested motel look good, and that no human or even sub-human being would want to be here, regardless of what, it is a disrespect to every possible aspect of living, and I could go on and on about how terrible it is that it would make this god-awful narrative be really obsessed about a single subject, which I don’t really want to do at this exact moment. But since The Lone King asked me to get the CROWN, I guess it's all up to me us, the LIGHT WARRIORS. I run like hell to find the CROWN, go down stairs and down some more stairs, hoping to try not to run into too much trouble. I find the CROWN in the center of the bottom floor, and it's in a chest protected by wizards (not the good kind) and I have to kill these wizards that guard the CROWN for some unnamable reason, and then I get the CROWN. A blue box says "In this treasure box, you found: CROWN." And it takes fifteen seconds for the blue box to close up.
I march over to ElfLand to save my hard-earned data in an inn, because I don't want to push my luck.
So I head to The Lone King’s Castle, and this is what Astos says to me: “HA HA HA! I am Astos, King of the Dark Elves. I have Matoya’s CRYSTAL, and you shall give me that CROWN, now!!!”
Then, the blackness and the ripping sound comes, and we are face to face, and God in Heaven, Astos is more gorgeous than I remember – no homo. Seriously, in a perfectly heterosexual way, I find the beauty of Astos to be more startling and more haunting than I remember – I definitely remembered his cape, his frog-like elegance and his purple nails (red, depending on the hue of your television set, or on your own colorblindness). It is going to be hard to kill this magnificent king of the Svartálfar – it’s Norwegian, look it up; seriously, it is an actual word, and is probably the only average word in the English vocabulary, other than berserk, that is of Norwegian origin (it’s no lie).
Anyway, like I was saying, I have nothing but love for Astos. He truly is gorgeous in a 100% heterosexual way, and he is more gorgeous than when I first saw him when I was nine years old. Now that I am older, I could find ways to correlate his beauty to say, Kif Kroker, except for the fact that Astos isn’t an Amphibiosan and you don’t hear Astos weakly whisper, “Amy… Amy, I love you.”
Due to the fact that I love Astos (and have a perfectly heterosexual man-crush on him), I’m going to find it hard to fight him. Wait, did I just say “I’m going to find it hard to fight him”? What I meant to say was, I’m going to find it hard to fight Him. (That isn’t blasphemous, is it?) I will fight Astos if I must, but God knows it won’t be easy because I have nothing but love in my heart for Astos. Anyway, Astos starts finding and first he uses the “WUB” – I mean “RUB” – spell on our Fighter, striking him dead upon impact. I still feel love so I take it easy on Astos and strike him lightly with our swords and daggers. He next uses his principal element, Astatine, on us (which by the way kids, is the rarest naturally occurring element and is #85 on the periodic table). I still feel love. We strike lightly.
He then uses the SLP2 spell on our Red Mage, putting him to sleep. No wuckas, mate. We enter into round four, and Astos gets rougher. We’re running low on power, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all good. It’s all good. Ah crap. After a few rounds, he kills my Red Mage and my White Mage, leaving me with just my Black Mage who isn’t bad – he couldn’t strike something to death with a sword to save his life, but he’s good with magic and stuff. My Black Mage uses the LIT2 spell which hurts 60 of Astos’ horsepower (or whatever HP stands for) points, but Astos kills the Black Mage before he can use the LIT2 spell again. My party is dead. I’m lucky I saved that information at the inn. Time to start over:
The world is veiled in darkness. The wind stops, the sea is wild, and the earth begins to rot. The people wait, their only hope, a prophecy…. ‘When the world is in darkness four warriors will come….’ After a long journey, four young warriors arrive, each holding an ORB.
This is the beginning to the greatest game known to all of mankind, Final Fantasy I.
No, not that far back! Just restart the game from where I last saved it.
I march over to ElfLand to save my hard-earned data in an inn, because I don't want to push my luck.
So I head to The Lone King’s Castle, and this is what Astos says to me: “HA HA HA! I am Astos, King of the Dark Elves. I have Matoya’s CRYSTAL, and you shall give me that CROWN, now!!!”
Then, the blackness and the ripping sound comes, and we are face to face, and God in Heaven, Astos is more gorgeous than I remember – no homo. Seriously, in a perfectly heterosexual way, I find the beauty of Astos to be more startling and more haunting than I remember – I definitely remembered his cape, his frog-like elegance and his purple nails (red, depending on the hue of your television set, or on your own colorblindness). It is going to be hard to kill this magnificent king of the Svartálfar – it’s Norwegian, look it up; seriously, it is an actual word, and is probably the only average word in the English vocabulary, other than berserk, that is of Norwegian origin (it’s no lie).
Anyway, like I was saying, I have nothing but love for Astos. He truly is gorgeous in a 100% heterosexual way, and he is more gorgeous than when I first saw him when I was nine years old. Now that I am older, I could find ways to correlate his beauty to say, Kif Kroker, except for the fact that Astos isn’t an Amphibiosan and you don’t hear Astos weakly whisper, “Amy… Amy, I love you.”
Due to the fact that I love Astos (and have a perfectly heterosexual man-crush on him), I’m going to find it hard to fight him. Wait, did I just say “I’m going to find it hard to fight him”? What I meant to say was, I’m going to find it hard to fight Him. (That isn’t blasphemous, is it?) I will fight Astos if I must, but God knows it won’t be easy because I have nothing but love in my heart for Astos. Anyway, Astos starts finding and first he uses the “WUB” – I mean “RUB” – spell on our Fighter, striking him dead upon impact. I still feel love so I take it easy on Astos and strike him lightly with our swords and daggers. He next uses his principal element, Astatine, on us (which by the way kids, is the rarest naturally occurring element and is #85 on the periodic table). I still feel love. We strike lightly.
We then do a surprise assault on Astos, and both the Red Mage and the Black Mage use the LIT2 spell on Astos in the same round. Astos hates LIT2, both the spell and the course. We use LIT2 some more. I think I’ve had enough of Astos’ masculine beauty and I’ll see him again hopefully. We kill Astos fairly easily – and also with the help of the White Mage’s MUTE spell, which the Red Mage also can carry – and that is all. Bear in mind, Astos has an HP of exactly 168 points. What? Why’s everybody looking at me like that? I looked this up. I looked this up online. Trust me, I’m not a total dweeb.
I killed you, Astos, but at the same time I loved you. Don’t you understand? I didn’t want this to happen, but I had to make it happen, but I always will love you and I will always remember you as the second coolest villain in Final Fantasy I, after Lich the Fiend of Earth (oh wait, I’m getting way ahead of myself here).
And Astos, whenever I listen to “Kid Charlemagne” by Steely Dan, I’ll always think of you:
| “ | While the music played, you worked by candlelight/Those San Francisco nights/You were the best in town/Just by chance, you crossed the diamond with the pearl/You turned it on the world/That’s when you turned the world around/Did you feel like Jesus?/Did you realize that you were a champion in their eyes? | ” |
So in despair – and with the organ line of “Kid Charlemagne” stuck in my head – I marched back to ElfLand, only to find the Prince still asleep. Then I realize, I have to sail over to Matoya and give her her crystal to get the herb to wake the Prince to wake him from his Rip van Winkle sleep. So, across the Aldi Sea, fighting a batch of Kyzokus on the way. In Matoya’s cave, she says, “The Prince needs HERB? I’ll trade the most powerful HERB to get my CRYSTAL back…. Oh! I can see!!” Then, I try to talk to her again, and she says – get this – “You have no more business here. Go!!” Bitch, do what I want.
So I tiredly sail back to ElfLand, and I turn to the Prince, but he’s still on the Z train. And then the King of ElfLand – or the Prince’s guardian or father or whatever – says to me, “Oh, this HERB will release the Prince from Astos’ curse. Look! He is waking....”
I then turn to the Prince. He says, “Is this a dream? …. Are you, the LIGHT WARRIORS? …. Is this for real? …. So, as legend says, I give you the mystic KEY.” Ah yes. It’s coming together, I remember some of the elders at Castle Coneria telling me that 400 years ago, the ancestors of Coneria gave the Mystic Key down to the Prince of ElfLand for safekeeping. Ah yes, it all seems oh so close together now.
Then I notice that although the Prince is awake, that shmuck isn’t getting out of bed. He says, “I feel fine now. Thank you.” Asshole! I killed a perfectly innocent man for nothing? This is a rip-off. I give up. I am going to quit playing for now and go to sleep. I can’t believe it. They made me kill the harmless Svartálfar king and for what? For what? Just to get pushed around by some idiot demagogue prince who stays in bed all day thinking that he runs ElfLand, the land of elves, with an iron fist, when actually, he’s just a dick. He should’ve slept more for that matter. It is terrible. I feel like Pontius Pilate here. I killed an innocent man, only by the forceful request of the selfish citizens of ElfLand. However, don’t get me wrong, I would totally NEVER even remotely think about doing it with Astos, because that is just disgusting. I’d much rather be banging somebody like Mila Kunis. Oh yeah, definitely her. After that one woman with the abnormally large breasts who appeared in Playboy once, Mila Kunis is definitely my favorite Ukrainian – well, maybe after Leon Trotsky; anyway Mila’s definitely in my top three on the list of the world’s greatest Ukrainians.
I’m out of here. But first I must talk to the two maniacal guards at the main gate of the castle. One thanks me for waking the Prince. The other guard reveals himself to be British, by saying this: “Maybe it’s only rumour, but I think the cause of all problems is to be found in the cave of Marsh.”
You can say that again. I am sure as hell not going back to the Marsh Cave again.
Chapter five[edit]
So I head off to school the very next day, and surprised the least at what I hear. During fourth period, I heard some guy get murdered in the C-Hall bathroom. Yup, there was a sudden scream coming from the bathroom, and it could only mean two things: either somebody got murdered or somebody got raped in the C-Hall bathroom. I don't know what's worse. But here's the case: I was in Algebra 2, you know, and that well-assimilated foreign chick was (as always) distracting the teacher from teaching. God, I love it when she does it, and I get to see it happen every day for a full school year. Life is good. I miss Lucille - I miss the blue of her eyes. I miss my dog - I miss the blue of his eyes. I miss my silly friend Joel - I miss the blue of his eyes. I miss my mom - I miss the green of her eyes. I miss my longtime friend Trevor - I miss the FUCK I FORGET WHAT COLOR HIS EYES WERE! But we always have those friends who can distract the teacher from doing his job. It's the best.
Anyway, like I was saying, while I was in Algebra 2, I heard some guy get murdered in the C-Hall bathroom. We were about to go over last night's homework and the foreign chick would explain why she didn't do it, when all of a sudden - out of the blue - a sudden scream that certainly came from the bathroom. It sounded like a murder scream. I assume that you've heard a murder scream before, right. Right? Anyway, that scream distracted the class for five seconds, only to get the distraction run its normal course again with the foreign chick. I can't remember exactly what country she's from, but she was born on the other side of the Iron Curtain. I think it might've been Romania or Moldova or someplace like that. You know, I'm not good with those things. Anyway, so the foreign chick - she, whoa where was I going with this? Oh yeah, now I remember, I can't get over how well-assimilated the foreign chick is. I mean, she speaks perfect American English with no accent - no accent whatsoever. It just gives me a bone- I mean excitement. Yeah, it gives me an excitement.
So, like I was saying, I'm definitely not going into the C-Hall bathroom for a while, until the body gets dragged out. If I do go into the C-Hall bathroom and see the dead body, I'd probably point my finger and say "DUDE!" 
And then I'd probably take a picture of the body and then say "AH, GNARLY!" You get the picture. However, on the hand, the guy in the bathroom might've been raped, which is even worse because he knows - and the rapist knows too - that he's going to have to live with that scar for the rest of his life. Wait, what did I just say about rape? Oh, doesn't matter. It's probably going to be anti-sequential in the end anyway. So, like I said, I have a lead that the guy in the bathroom could've just been raped also, because from what I heard from the scream, I think it was the guy who accused of being "a bad naughty." You're right, I have no idea what that means either. Actually, it was most definitely a murder scream. The guy in the C-Hall bathroom definitely got murdered. But just because everybody in C-Hall heard some guy get murdered, does that mean anybody's going to do anything about it? Of course, that's why I'm writing about it in this article. Okay, this is really difficult - long story short, some guy got murdered in the C-Hall bathroom, and it was most definitely the sound of a murder scream, so somebody got killed, and who's doing anything about it? Nobody. It's a little weird if you ask me. Even I'm not giving a damn. Anyway, back to the foreign chick - oh wait, you probably don't care a thing about my school life. Should I just get back to the god-awful narrative now? Sorry, I was trying to poetically bridge the gap between the time I went to bed at the end of chapter four and when I started playing the game again. Anyway, back to that Final Fantasy stuff....
Anyway, remember that dwarf who wanted TNT? (Oh FYI, TNT is dyno-mite, just thought I wanted to say that.) So, I look for the TNT in Castle Coneria; it is in the left chamber, right box. Yes, I just gave you a cheat. Suck it up. I said, SUCK IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I go to that cave of dwarves on the west end of the Aldi Sea, and Nerrick says something like, "ALL RIGHTY THEN!! THIS IS T-N-T ALL THAT I NEED TO FINISH MY CANAL! THANKS! THANK YOU! YES, YES INDEED!! IT'S TIME TO ROCK THIS DAM!" (Dramatization; this never actually happened)
So, I leave the cave; and I'll be DAMMED!!!! The dam is formed, making an isthmus separating the north and south borders of the continent, sort of like the Panama Canal, in between North America and South America, which brings me to a little old saying that I've always found amusing - "A man, a plan, a canal: PANAMA!" Get rid of the colons, commas, exclamation points and uppercase letters, and you get a palindrome, which I think should actually be called a palinilap, which I don't have to explain, do I? Do I? Good, I don't.
I realized that when I cross this isthmus, I enter into freedom; that this isthmus is what separates me from this restrictive bit of sea and the rest of the world; it was like a car, with the keys, being handed to you on your birthday, the joy of driving merely shows you the way, and the steering wheel is only the means to ambition. This isthmus was my gateway to the rest of the world, so I went on my boat slowly to let the dreams go by. It took me a little while to get to where I am, but where I am is where I want to be. I felt like the European man from the 15th to 18th centuries, finally getting to see what was beyond my own backyard. Would I still visit the cities of Coneria, Pravoka and ElfLand from time to time? Yes; but first all I wanted was to see everything else in the world, while not getting too close, especially when I sail above the northern hemisphere, which contains no ports. I could go all night seeing the new world.
Among the first things to catch my eye past the Aldi sea was this uninhabited Malta-like island, with no ports, no cities, no natural resources and apparently nothing but plain grass. I would have to find out what's there some other time, but believe me, I will get back to this.
Nearby this Malta-like island is a city; I go in. What do I find? A nearly ruined city, that's what. SHAH! No hospital, no clinic, like WTF? This place is worse than that one city in Indiana, with a name I can't think of at the current moment, but you know which one, right?
And a strong symbol in this town is graves – many beautiful graves, sort of reminds me of my days in Massachusetts. I'm going to feel right at home here, I just know it.
One of the residents say, "This town was invaded by the Vampire. The clinic was destroyed and the town was cursed." By vampire, do you mean Bruce Springsteen, per chance?
Then I talked to another villager and he started saying some Japanese shit I didn't understand. I turned away from the villager because I don't really know Japanese. All of the Japanese I know was from karate, when the sensei would yell instructions at me in Japanese. Well, I can kind of speak Japanese; I just can't read it. I am multilingual if you don't know - I can speak English, English with an American accent, English with a British accent, English with a Southern accent, English with an irritating Boston accent (a personal favorite of mine), English with an Italian accent, English with a Jamaican accent, English with an Indian accent, English with an Arab accent, English with a German accent, English with an Austrian accent, English with a Russian accent, English with an Australian accent (which is kind of shitty however), English with a Scottish accent, English with a Canadian accent, Level 1 Spanish (which I am currently retaking), 5-year-old German, 5-year-old Russian, simple Japanese (as I mentioned aforehand), basic French, and I'd like to say that I speak Hebrew, Arabic, Farsi and Hindi but I don't (I just love the written language). My big brother however can speak Arabic, موظر
Then I see a guy who looks like a dwarf from the dwarf cave, except in Melmond costume. I am curious enough to approach this man to see what his case is. He says this: "I am Jim. My home is the Dwarf Village, but I am here investigating." Mmmmm, you dwarves go far and wide, don't you?
Next I look at the headstones. One headstone says "This is a tomb." Who is A. Tomb? I look at another headstone, says "This is a tomb." Okay, so the Tomb family died a lot. I look at yet another headstone. Do you know what it says? "This is a tomb." Surely either a riddle or they're merely tombs of unmarked soldiers. Hmm, I'll have to go to the only other town I currently know of at the moment that has tombs: ElfLand.
There is a simple cemetery, not like the one in Melmond, only three graves. One grave says, "This is a tomb." The one next to it also says "This is a tomb." However, the grave on the far left-hand corner says, "Here lies Erdrick 837-866 R.I.P." Now I have no idea who Erdrick is. I have one idea, though....
......
He's not on the Final Fantasy wiki. However, obviously, Erdrick must be important enough to be the only known character in this game to have an official tombstone. I assume that Erdrick must've been a great elf warrior, and judging from the dates on his tombstone, I assume that Erdrick was killed in battle. How can I guess this? Well, if I'm not mistaken most elves have a lifespan of about 200 years, and Erdrick only lived 29 years, so what I think is that the nation of ElfLand once had a great army that must have went to war with - let's just say the French. I guess that Erdrick was mortally wounded, but he probably saved the lives of 50 other elves while doing so, so he probably was what made ElfLand win this war that I don't know about, and I just made out of thin air. Since it happened over a millennium ago, I guess that none of the villagers in ElfLand as to who is Erdrick. I guess the answer to the Erdrick question is, nobody cares.
I sail back north to Melmond to get more information. One villager dressed in robe says, "Everybody knows me. What?! You've never heard of Dr. Unne?" Oh yeah, Dr. Unne. I read about his works. He is one of the most controversial doctors of all time, after Dr. Evil, Dr. Skullthumper, Dr. Dre, Dr. Seuss, Dr. J, Dr. Nick Riviera, Dr. John, Dr. Demento, Dr. Zoidberg, that one evil Irish doctor who appeared in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope who almost kills Luke Skywalker at Mos Eisley, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Freud, Dr. Love, Dr. Strange and House the Skank Doctor. Actually, I don't think Dr. Unne has any information as to the Vampire's whereabouts.
So I go to the next citizen of Melmond; he says, "I'm a farmer." Fuck you, farmer! Oh here comes the Japanese Melmond resident. This time, however, he speaks in English: "The Vampire of the Earth Cave is stealing the Power of the earth. We need your help."
Okay, the Vampire's in the Earth Cave. Light Warriors, to the Cheap Trick-mobile!!!!
So, me and the Light Warriors ride through the swamps of on the outskirts of Melmond while "Surrender" by Cheap Trick plays at full blast, and the Light Warriors sing along loudly: MOMMY'S ALL RIGHT, DADDY'S ALL RIGHT, THEY JUST SEEM A LITTLE WEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRD, SURRENDER, SURRENDER, BUT DON'T GIVE YOURSELF AWAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
I arrive at a cave to the west of Melmond, me and the Light Warriors go inside. It's a blue-floored cave, which is awesome, and aside from the ogres and sub-human creeps living inside it, it's a neat cave. I come to a tall Titan-like being. He says, "NO DOGS ALLOWED." Sir, we're not dogs. We're just video game characters. He corrects himself by saying, "No one passes this road." So we go to the Earth Cave to hunt the Vampire, only to get stopped by some bouncer. Then I head back to Melmond to seek more advice.
One of the city sages says, "The Earth Cave is on the peninsula southwest of this town." Funny thing about the word peninsula....... Oh wait, that's why I couldn't pass the cave guard, BECAUSE I WAS IN THE WRONG CAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, now that I know where the Earth Cave is, I know where I need to go.
However, before I make the trip to kill the dreaded Vampire, I got to buy a few things, such as some new spells, a few bottles of HEAL, a few bottles of PURE, maybe a bottle or two of SOFT, some wooden stakes, a mallet, a lighter, a bottle of Sunny D™, garlic, a mirror, possibly a few Hendrix tapes, a rabbit's foot and a bag of kettle chips to make sure we stay nourished in the cave.
I will save my data at the Melmond inn in case I wanted to fight the Vampire twice, which might happen twice.
I go southwest to the Earth Cave to find the Vampire. Oh God, hunting down and killing a vampire. This will be just like living in the 1920's.
In the Earth Cave, I head in this direction: Ah damn, I lost my Final Fantasy cheat sheet map, and I'm too lazy to actually into great detail about this while playing the game without a visual cue. You can Google this, and post me the directions. Hint hint, the Vampire lives on the third floor down. This is most likely due to the fact that he's a Vampire, and therefore must be in some place deep below the earth, so far that the sun cannot reach him.
So, in the Earth Cave while setting off to find the Vampire, we run into some wizards, you know, just like the types of the Marsh Cave. Actually, I haven't described the wizards yet. They have one of those fake-ass canes (probably does some kind of magic trick), a wizard suit and tentacles. No really, the wizards had tentacles. I don't know why - maybe they're LOBSTERMAN!!!! Anyway, yeah, don't be mistaken - the Marsh Cave wizards are the same thing as the Earth Cave wizards. They have no physical differences, the individual wizards themselves may have different names but that's not important. What is important is that I killed these wizards.
Then, further down underground (hey that rhymes), I run into this villain called Earth. Like What the fuck. I don't mean like Earth the planet, no this guy called Earth looks like some white Rasta dude. You know with the dreadlocks and shit. Fucking hate reggae people. Killed the dude named Earth's ass. Ja mon.
Then I finally meet the Vampire: He says, "All living things were born to die. No one can defeat me, the Vampire!" Straight to the point, I like that.
I realized that I must kill this Romanian (or possibly Hungarian) freak for not only me, but for the people of Melmond, the purpose of Final Fantasy and for the Republic of Moldova.
I turn on my vampire-killing music, "Tattoo Vampire" by Blue Öyster Cult. When I'm fighting the Vampire, the first thing I notice about him is his hairdo. I mean, it's like one of those awesome afros. This vampire has damned nice-looking hair; I mean, this is some serious pre-Edward Cullen shit and I know this vampire is not a British pussy.
Contrary to the Vampire's statement, he is easily defeat-able. Five strikes and he's dead. All you need is the right spells: Most favorably the White Mage using HRM2, the Black Mage using FIR3 and the Red Mage using FIR3, while the Fighter kills with his sword, the badass he is. Long story short, the Vampire is a wuss.
And I know that this is the only vampire in the game we'll ever have to run into, so at that moment, I basically killed off the entire species of vampires. Suck it. Oh wait, I shouldn't tell a vampire to do that.
Anyway, I look in the dead undead vampire's treasure chest. In it, I find a RUBY. What do I need a ruby for? You definitely can't play sports with a ruby.
I was originally planning to tell you about (but for the sake of time decided not to) an alternate method of killing the Vampire: playing "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix until his head explodes from the sheer awesomeness, which happens in about 13.9 seconds. Yeah, Jimi is just that awesome. Buy "Are You Experienced?" at your record store today.
Never mind the product placement thing there, anyway I head back to the village of Melmond, to receive welcome from the residents. I get none (those bastards). What I learn is the incompletion of my task. What could possibly be next?
You know what the worthless villagers tell me? "The Vampire is gone, but the earth still rots?...." Okay, so my work here is unfinished? Now what? "The Vampire is gone, but the earth continues to rot. What causes this?" Hey, can't you see I'm trying to get down to the bone of this? Well, as there is a barrier preventing further exploration of the Earth Cave below the Vampire's room, and the other cave to the west of Melmond has a giant blocking passage, what can I do? The only thing I can do. Talk to some more villagers, of course! One villager tells me, "WARRIORS, revive the Power of the ORBS!" I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that. Oh wait, here's a villager. It looks like she has something of actual importance to me: "The Titan who lives in the tunnel eats gems. He loves RUBIES." Thank you, now if only there was something else to it. You there, good sir! Could you spare a few minutes of your time? "Pass through the Titan's Tunnel, then south to find Sarda, the Sage." Now I know ma'am, what else do I need to know about this Sarda bloke that I don't already know? "Sarda does not fear the evils of the cave." All right, good to know. Just let me save my data and I'm off.
Into the Titan's tunnel once more. This time when I enter into that amazing blue-floored cave, the Titan says to me, "If you want pass, give me the RUBY.... Crunch, crunch, crunch, mmm, it tastes so sweet. Rubies are my favorite." I know, rubies taste just like Crunch Berries, don't they?
Then, while checking stuff out in the treasure chests on the other portion of the blue-floored cave, I get four objects but none of them of any true significance.
Then, out of the blue-floored cave, walking, while the harmonious eight-bit soundtrack makes my adventuring that much more worthwhile. Then, I head to the way south of the peninsula, to meet Sarda, the Sage.
Sarda's cave is impressive, I suppose. Well, as far as caves have gone so far in this game, I would rate it as one of the best. Better than the Earth Cave or the - uh, just disgusts me to think about it - Marsh Cave.
There's a room in a cave: In it is an elderly man in a room with a kiln and a bed in it - but the bed doesn't go in the kiln. Sarda says to us, "Use this ROD behind the Vampire's room. Hiding deep inside you will find the cause of the earth's rot."
Okay, thank you Sarda, and as a reward, I might get you a girlfriend someday, because from what it looks like as of right now, you are (probably) going to die a virgin; even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin. As a matter of a fact, my ex-girlfriend Lucille is a virgin, mostly on account because I'm probably the only man who wants her in that sense. And I got to admit, I love virgins. Yeah, you heard me. I FUCKING LOVE VIRGINS. I love them because they are such a challenge. I also love them because they're so holy and innocent, which makes consider taking a career as a Catholic school teacher, if that shit wasn't illegal and if they could allow a teacher who was left-handed or ambidextrous.
Anyhow, I could definitely get Sarda a girlfriend someday. Probably the best girl for him is Matoya, as she also lives in a cave, so the two would be perfect for each other, except for the fact that Sarda lives on the southern portion of the Final Fantasy globe, while Matoya lives on the northern portion. But hey, true love knows no color boundaries, right?
I'm definitely not going to get Lucille to be Sarda's girlfriend, as she is too young for him, and I still have feelings for her, even though she messed my mind up.
Oh, and FYI, the thing I said in chapter two about her blowing a horse isn't true. In fact, she told me her self that she never had sex with a horse, not even when she was drunk. I asked her that once: I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and I said, "Be honest, was the Horse Incident real?" She said, "No." I told her that I wouldn't judge. She said No again, which obviously mean that she obviously never had sex with a horse. I wouldn't care if she did, because Russia's greatest tsarina (or at least the greatest tsarina born in Germany) had sex with a horse if you didn't know.
Whoa what the hell did I just type? Ignore that thing I just said about virgins. I'm just saying that Lucille is a virgin, or at least she was the last time I talked to her, which was in June. However, she's spending a year in India, and some third-world freak with a venereal disease could be pushing some move from the Kama Sutra on her. And I would go crazy if I saw that. Hell, I go crazy just thinking about it. I think it won't happen, because as long as she stays out of dark alleys, she won't get raped.
*Blinks about suspiciously* New chapter, everyone!
Chapter six[edit]
I realize that in order to fight whatever is at the bottom floor of the Earth Cave, I have to train some more.
So on the blue seas I travel, looking for monsters to kill, like sahags, sharks, kyzokus, odd eyes and red sahags. I usually trust on the Black Mage to kill the odd eyes for some reason.
Ah flip, the shark killed everyone in my gang except my White Mage. Time for this pasty Anglo-Saxon girl to kick some ass:
Yeah, that's the way you do it!
After which, I rush to ElfLand to get the lives of my other three warriors saved.
Setting: ElfLand clinic
—DOCTOR/PRIEST: Who shall be revived?
—WHITE MAGE: We were deep sea fishing, don't ask, just revive.
—DOCTOR/PRIEST: Okay. (To the deceased): WARRIOR … Return to life!
—RED MAGE: Ugh, my head... all those sharks...
—BLACK MAGE: Klan chick, you brought us here, then that means... you... the sharks...
—FIGHTER: WASP woman, this was all you.
—WHITE MAGE: Damn straight.
—BLACK MAGE: Isn’t this great that we all love one another, even though I’m Vietnamese, the Fighter is Cabbala, the Red Mage is of Swedish-Russian ancestry and the White Mage is of English descent.
—RED MAGE: How in the hell do you know what I am, and for the record, I’m Swedish, Russian and German.
—FIGHTER: I’m really hating this dialogue. Do we really have to say this?
—ME: I guess not. (Shrugs shoulders)
—FIGHTER: Can you just do that narrative stuff?
—ME: Okay, if you want me to.
—DOCTOR/PRIEST: Mind if I say something?
—RED MAGE: No.
—DOCTOR/PRIEST: You do not need my help now.
[FADE OUT.]
Okay, as the Fighter was explaining to me, I should go into some explanation. I don’t know exactly what a sahag is. One idea is that it’s a corruption of the word ‘sea hag’. Another idea is that it has something to do with Sahag's Basturama Sandwich Shop, an Armenian restaurant which I heard makes good sandwiches.
And I don’t have to explain the training, actually it’s really tedious. So we’ll just skip way way ahead to the Earth Cave, when the training is all said and done.
So I head down the Earth Cave, fighting stuff – uninteresting stuff, just cobras and giants and ghosts oh my! Into the third floor down is where I fought the evil yet pitifully weak Vampire, and behind the Vampire’s room is the stairs down. However, there is a tablet that says this:
| “ | There is a stone plate on the floor.... You sense something.... Evil? | ” |
Neh I guess so. I can’t lift this stone plate. Oh wait, I got it, I’ll use the rod of power . I go into the options box by pressing the START button. When I click on the ROD option, the tiny blue box at the bottom says, “The plate shatters, revealing a stairway!”
From there, down down down I head, hoping that nobody will kill my gang or turn us to stone (I’m talking to you, coctrices!)
Then, on the bottom floor, you know what happens? That’s right. I get into a fight with this disgusting thing called OOZE. As far as my knowledge goes, right here is the only place where it exists in the entire Final Fantasy globe. Yeah, tough sons of bitches, like they’re brothers MUCK and SCUM.
And you what else I find on the bottom floor? I find a massive ball made of glass, and when I open it some voice says, "The FIEND's ball cracks open.... An ominous cloud rises, and an evil shape congeals.... It is LICH, the FIEND of Earth." Ah yeah, this is it! Fight to the death, baby! Woo!
At first, LICH looks sort of like Otto the Bus Driver, but without yellow skin. I cannot put into words how awesome this battle is, so I’ll just describe it using onomatopoeias. BOOM BAM KAZAM WISHA POW FFFFF BANG BOOM KO KAPOW SNAP POW POW CLANK CLANK SCCCCCCCCCCCRRATCH SS-SS POW POW CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG BOOM BOOM YOU’RE DEAD. Lesson is, don’t fear the reaper, baby, because I just killed him.
Woo! We killed one of the Four Fiends! To celebrate, I got to send my warriors to the bar, and get hammered.
Now I’m going south, because I saw this one blinking light in the south that’s nearby a port. No, I’m not talking about that lighthouse that went down as far south as Connecticut.
Walking to the city the long way because none of my warriors can swim (those little sissies); after avoiding a few potentially fatal head-butts with the trolls and shit, I arrive. (P.S. The trolls look they have no crotches)
The city!
Ah!
God!
I’m so dog tired!
I think I’m just going to take a nap by that nice-looking tree over there.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..
After a little R&R, I return to my senses.
Ooh! What's behind that wall over there?
I am tempted to see. Is it? It is. Tis a circle of twelve old men; not sure if they are hippies or not, I'll just have to find out.
I talked to the first old man. He says, "We, the Twelve Sages, were lead here by the stars and prophecy." Reasonable, this isn't too bad of a city.
I talk to the next one. He says, "I am Lukahn. Now all legends and prophecy will be fulfilled. Our path has been decided." Oh my God! You're the legendary Lukahn. The man who predicted that we, the LIGHT WARRIORS, would come to save the world. Well, it is an honor.
I talk to another one. He says, "Great job vanquishing the Earth FIEND. Now, the Fire FIEND wakes. With this CANOE go to the VOLCANO, and defeat that FIEND also!" Oh boy! A CANOE! Just for me?
The fourth sage says, "Quickly, before all is burnt, hurry to Gurgu Volcano and stop the FIEND of Fire."
The fifth sage says, in a Smokey the Bear voice, "LIGHT WARRIORS, only you can make the ORBS shine again!!"
The sixth sage says, "As you restore light to the ORBS, we will reveal more secrets, please see us repeatedly." Good to know.
The seventh sage says, "The Fire FIEND will burn everything up!" Well, la-di-dah.
The eighth sage says, "The Earth FIEND causes the rot of our land." Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that anymore because I killed him and restored light to the Earth Orb.
The ninth sage says, "Four FIENDS are bent on the world's destruction. 200 years ago, the FIEND of Wind teamed with that of the Water, to destroy civilization." I know; aren't you glad we showed up on time?
The tenth sage says, "Each element's power focuses at its Altar. Locate, and crush the Fiend. Then to make it shine, place the ORB on the altar it guarded!"
The eleventh sage says, "Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water.... The world is bound by these four Powers."
Finally, the twelfth sage says, "Once the ORBS shined with the power of Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water. The four FIENDS seized those Powers."
So this must be it! The city of Crescent Lake. How do I know this? It's from something the city sage of Coneria told me:
| “ | Lukahn left this town, to join his colleagues at Crescent Lake. | ” |
I got to rest at the inn, rest at the inn. Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I GOT A CANOE!!!!!!!!!! Let's hope that nobody Tippecanoe. On the canoe, we run into some trouble, like the many-headed hydra and the vicious caribe, which is actually the same thing as a piranha, only it sounds a lot cooler. I row my canoe, head to the port, take off the anchor, and then sail away on the big boat. Listening to the sea-sailing music I always loved, I head this boat on the oceans carefree. Then, to see where I can put the anchor on my boat now, I find out that not only can I nail to a port, I can also - against all logic and aerodynamics - place it on a river, maybe it's against a river rock.
Now, I got three ways to go. Either a) Go to Gurgu Volcano and risk being burnt and having a bad taco; b) Go to the Castle of Ordeal, the only existing castle in the northern portion of the globe; or c) Go to the Ice Cave, where an apprentice sage told me the legendary FLOATER is. Okay, it wasn't actually an apprentice sage; in fact, nobody told me this, except for this here little cheat sheet. It says right here.... AH FUCK WHERE'S THE FUCKING MAP! I NEED IT TO PROVE A FUCKING POINT! FUCK! ..... Anyway, I'll go with option B first and see where it takes me.
I sail to the north globe, from the south, which means I just sail more south, until south eventually becomes north. You know how magnetics work. Anyway, remember: THERE ARE NO PORTS IN NORTH. Now, I know what you're asking. Humble narrator, if there are no ports, where are you going to park your boat. Ah, esteemed reader, remember that I can park my boat at a river. There's a river nearby the Castle of Ordeal. Need I say more?
This is where legends are made, I heard. Yeah, you thought legends were made in October, didn't you? Anyway, since this is such a legendary place. I need some legendary music. My legendary music of choice? The legendary "Heroes" by the legendary David Bowie.
Well, you know, this castle is kind of hard to explain. You go through this nice orange chair, like the one I used to sit and write and read and take naps in, and this chair transports you to a room. In this room, there are these pillars. I mean, there's these, like, pillars that are, how do you say, transporters to other pillars which in turn take to another pillar, to another pillar, to another pillar, to another pillar and so on and so on until eventually you get to the stairs, Which takes you to the bottom floor or something, right, like, this is some really weird stuff.
And also, out of the four castles in this entire Final Fantasy world, this is only two to have any sort of evil in it. The other one is The Lone King's castle, which as you remember, had Astos in it. However, there are also mummies and what-do-you-call-thems that guard the treasure in the keyed treasure room in The Lone King's castle, however it is extremely easy to maneuver past these mummies and these images; yeah that's the word Images. Images are like these weird-looking undead things that sort of raise their fists at you in like a black power salute. At any rate, The Lone King's castle is easily - and oddly - one of the safest places in the Final Fantasy world, besides the city of Pravoka, the city of ElfLand, Castle ElfLand, Matoya's cave, the city of Coneria, Castle Coneria, the crappy Castle Coneria replica at Disneyworld, and the city of Melmond, although those people were at risk were of being attacked by the Vampire again, however he didn't come we came around, for some reason, it's always daylight wherever we travel. It doesn't make any sense actually. Anyway, long story short, The Lone King's castle is very easily the ninth largest place in the Final Fantasy world. Actually, the eighth, because I made up the Disneyland bit. Anyhow...
Yeah, and then on the bottom floor of the Castle of Ordeal, we get a real run for our money when we get into this costly little fight. It lives our Fighter with 215 of his total HP of 366, our Red Mage with only 107 of his total HP of 251, the White Mage with only 23 of her total HP of 246, and our Black Mage with 3 of his total HP of 195. We got some HEALs out real quickly, but in the end, we wound up getting killed by this "NIGHTMARE" which was really just an evil pink horse that liked to snort on you so you could be blind and then killed in your blind fit. Yeah, the nightmare killed us.
I started the game over again from where I saved off - which was setting up a cabin in front of the Castle of Ordeal - and then decided to paddle north until north eventually became south, and I head to Crescent Lake, to save some data. Then, I decided to go with option C this time: Head to the Ice Cave. This is going to be real exciting, like Indiana Jones and all his adventures, only it's The Light Warriors and the Raiders of the Lost Floater.
In the Ice Cave is so majestic, like an ancient wall of secrets and honor is written against it. But trouble finds us as well in this wonderful winter cave. It is a gang of wizards, but luckily for us, we have the magic to deal with it now. With both my Red Mage and my Black Mage using the LIT2 spell together, with little hesitance, we can kill all seven of this wizard gang easily in this round (for some reason you can't run away from wizards).
Further down the Ice Cave we head, the more trouble we find. We run into these people called "Sorcerers" who look like exactly like the wizards, except instead of wearing tan coats, they're wearing purple coats, so they're a hell of a lot better obviously. However, these sorcerers try to kill our Fighter. Like, WTF? I'm so glad I set up another cabin before I head into the Ice Cave.
Then, down more, we run down the second floor, and run into these things called Wraiths, which look like Images, which look like Shadows. These Wraiths are probably like Ring Wraiths, but instead of trying to find the Ring, they're trying to find the Floater, or something.
Then, the third floor, or something, is this single floor that was so small with nothing in it but two sets of stairs, and the other stairs sets me to the fourth floor or something. And then on the fourth floor, we run into these people called Mages, which look like the cousins of Astos, and no, I'm serious there. The Mage look like Astos, except for instead of being green Svartálfar-like beings, they look like white-colored Svartálfar-like beings. Look, I didn't want to kill your cousin, Mr. Mages. I was forced to by the people of ElfLand! Honest to God! I am so sorry! I don't want to kill you! I still love your cousin, please realize! It was not my desire to kill him! Please let me go! ............Oh the Mages let us go.
Okay, it's probably time for me to say now that most villains on this game have the same design as other villains. I'll point out some of the exceptions later, maybe.
Then, I head into a room with all these holes, but get this, no matter how you slice it, each of these holes lead you to the same exact place. You see, each hole leads you to this room that probably leads you back to like another part of the second floor or something, okay the demographics on this is completely messed up. So, we try to leave this room, but at the door of this room are like these evil under-worldly beings that trigger as a sensor when you try to leave. Even though you can't leave the room without seeing them, you can avoid them however.
So you just keep walking, straight, and um, then you go up this stairs, which lead you into this swastika-shaped room, and they have some stuff in that room, like a bottle of HEAL in a treasure box in case you need it, and nearby this swastika-shaped room is another clamped room with a treasure box in it that has get this, 10,000 gold coins in it. That's $10,000, which if you don't know, is a lot of money in this game. And then on the other side of the room, you'll realize that this is actually the left side of the first floor, except it's barricaded off by an ice wall. So, you walk into this other room on the same floor, and there are these three treasure chests, I think the one on the right-hand side has 9,500 gold coins in it. And next to this treasure chest is this hole. Go into the hole.
And you'll go back into the other room with all the holes, except you're in the middle of it, in between all the holes, and you see this treasure chest. You'll have to go near it, but to open it first, you might fight this guy called the Eye. And contrary to his demonic appearance, the Eye is in fact not part of the undead and therefore cannot be destroyed with any of the 'HARM' spell. In fact, the Eye might actually be a giant Cyclops. Either way, he is kill-able, and worth $875 a fight. After you kill the Eye, turn your Fighter to his right and open the treasure chest. Luckily it will say, "In the treasure box, you found.... FLOATER". If not, then you're out of luck.
Well, getting back to the surface, you'll have through another hole, into that one room, through whatever floor it is, then up to the swastika-shaped room, and through the other set of stairs on the other side of that portion of the floor.
Man, talking about the Ice Cave reminds me of when my dad conquered during the Thanksgiving of 2004, trying to beat it while at the same time keeping an eye on the mashed potatoes.
Chapter seven[edit]
We save our data at the inn at Crescent Lake, and then wake up to ride our canoe (happily) to the desert just of the Crescent Lake.
In the desert, the legendary AIRSHIP began to rise. Yes, that's right, you heard right, AIRSHIP. We joyously fly our airship over the villages and over the houses of poor people. We put our pimped-out airship in front of the good old city of Coneria. And then, we set off again, and fly north. We set off at this desert in the northwestern portion of the globe, near this Cape Cod-shaped landmass. We walk up north up this desert, and when we stand in this bit of the desert that has green grass surrounded by it, the adorable waltz music that plays when you're at an inn or a shop plays all of a sudden. We're at this sale, with an Arab standing, and he looked like this:
Apparently, what we were standing at an oasis. Yeah, oases are nice. Anyway, the Arab asks us "What do you want?" He has one item for sale, a BOTTLE, for $50,000. I don't know what's in this bottle, but since it's worth $50,000, it must be a bottle of the best damned whiskey in the world. Then the Arab says, "Thank you! What else?" He has another bottle, also on sale for $50,000, but I enough money to afford it. Hopefully, I'll talk to you to later, sir!
Nearby this desert is a river, nearby this river is a town, in this town are people. When I walk in, one of the first things I see a brunette in a blue dress (which I personally love) saying, "My legs are beautiful! It's so nice to have legs." Um yes, you do have nice legs, wait you're not trying to seduce me? I'll just walk along.
I see a witch! She's also sporting the town color of blue also. She says, "You have legs!" Goddamn, what's with this town's obsession with legs? This isn't the '40s, you know!
Then I see a man, saying, "Underhill, the Caravan Master, had something very strange." Oh so Underhill is the nice Arab man who sold me the bottle of whiskey I haven't drank yet?
Then I see a woman; she says, "My father runs the caravan. He is having a close out sale near the oasis in the western desert." Ah so, Underhill is your father? Does that make you half-Arab then, baby?
Then, I see a being of another species. He says, "I saw BAHAMUT, but, to be honored as a true warrior I must return with proof of my courage." Then I hear my inner-self saying, "He's a dragon." Oh yes, stupid me.
Crap. I got to go to the Castle of Ordeal. Well, I guess there's no time like the present to do so.
So there I was, in the Castle of Ordeal, doing my Solid Snake thing with fighting the zombies and avoiding the sorcerers, right? Like let's get this show on the road badass shit.
And this fucking staircase shows up, deja vu all over the place, and instead of going down it and getting killed by a pink horse, I go down it and enter the room and kill the horse and then keep moving along, picking up treasure along the way. Then I reach one treasure chest and in it is a TAIL. Like WTF, what am I going to do with a tail? And this scary looking zombie dragon pops up when I try to leave the castle.
So I pulled out my best spells and swords and killed the shit out of it, and it just dies after two or three rounds! WTF? I barely got away with a hundred or so HP points lost from my warriors and a major sense of something or another.
No seriously. A zombie dragon nearly killed me in the Castle of Ordeal.
<One moment please, while I get back into gear>
I sail my boat out of there, and a few sahags show up but I got no fear.
I stop my boat at ElfLand, and I think to myself, "What do I have this TAIL for?" I go into the options box by pressing the start button, and I clicked on the TAIL. All it says is, "OOHH!! It stinks! Throw it over.. No! Don't do that!!" Damn right, it stinks. Why do I have it since it stinks so much? Actually no, saying that this TAIL stinks is an understatement. It sucks.
And then this spark of genius comes. Maybe I'm supposed to give this tail to that Bahamut fellow that that dragon in that unnamed city is telling me about. Now, where is Bahamut? I'll search his whereabouts. Hmmm, he's not in the unnamed city; maybe he's in one of those islands nearby it. He's not in the Castle of Ordeal, which is nearby those chains of islands. Doubt he's in that great sandy desert a little bit to the southeast of the Castle, particularly in that tower-looking ziggurat thing. Not in the village just over the mountains of that sandy desert with that tower-looking ziggurat thing. Wait, what's this north of this village? Another village, with mountains surrounding each side of it?
I think, right, a town built high up in the mountains. Only the Swiss could've thought of that.
I walk into this mountainous city. The first guy I see says, "This town is Gaia...." Service right away, I like that.
A gal walks up and says, "Unbelievable! You are outsiders, right? How did you get this far north?" With the Floater, that's how.
I see a witch; she asks, "What's that broom up to? It's talking backwards!"
The broom says, "?rewoP taerg evah uoy oD" Spelt forwards, it's "Do you have great Power?" This isn't like solving something in AL3.
I say back to the witch, "He is merely asking us if we have great Power. Now move along, ma'am."
I talk to a doctor standing, looking eager to say something. He says, "Have you been to the city south of here? I just cannot understand a word spoken there. I have wondered what language...." Hmmm, I'll check it out, for sure. Hopefully it's not Tocharian they're speaking.
I see boy this one boy who says that "Everyone thinks the tower in Yahnikurm Desert is a mirage. I wonder...." So, that's what that great sandy desert with the tower is called. Thanks boy!
I walk up to the clinic, standing near it is a pirate. He says, "Hardy har, you are too late! I BOTTLED the fairy and sold her to a caravan." Oh, so that's what's in the bottle. I'll open it up. I go into my options box, and when I open the BOTTLE it says "Pop! A fairy appears, then is gone." And I got me an empty bottle now.
I'm going to keep walking through this city. I come at a spring. The fairy is standing there. She says, "That pirate trapped me in the BOTTLE. I will draw OXYALE from the bottom of the spring for you. Thank you for saving me." What do I need the OXYALE for? She smiles and says, "Remember! OXYALE will give you air."
Okay, now I'm depressed. I better just lay my head at the inn for a little while. 500 bucks for one visit?! No way am I paying that! I'm too old for this shit.
Wait a second, OXYALE! Holy shit! WAIT A SECOND, TAIL! HOLY SHIT! WHY AM I YELLING?! HOLY SHIT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! *runs*
Okay, okay. I think I got it now. I'll check out those islands to look for Bahamut. On all of these islands are dragons. They say some pretty valuable stuff actually. One dragon says, "Long ago, Dragons and humans lived and traded together." Yeah, those were good times, weren't they?
Another dragon says, "If you are brave enough, try meeting the King of the Dragons, BAHAMUT." Okay, that's what I'm trying to do; can't find him, though.
This one says, "Only the courageous ones bring back the proof of their courage." Of course, the non-courageous ones bring back nothing, not even a cigarette burn on the arm.
Actually, this one dragon says something that's really important. In fact, what he said was so important that I'll have to put it in those big quotation marks:
| “ | In the northern world, there once was a prosperous civilization, but now it is ruins. | ” |
Actually, this is so important, that I'll say it again:
| “ | In the northern world, there once was a prosperous civilization, but now it is ruins. | ” |
I don't think the idea is sinking into your head enough;
| “ | In the northern world, there once was a prosperous civilization, but now it is ruins. | ” |
Okay, just one more time to make sure that it stays in your memory:
| “ | In the northern world, there once was a prosperous civilization, but now it is ruins. | ” |
Yeah, you'll definitely remember that now. Anyway, another dragon says something flattering: "You are not afraid of me?? Then, I am impressed!"
Really, all of those dragons say something important except for one; "We are going to White Castle to the northeast. There we will eat sliders until we feel contented."
Finally, we approach the chamber of Bahamut, which is on an island with two caves, and his cave is the one on the right-hand side. I walk into Bahamut's chamber; the first row is really long. There's nothing on the first floor except for a set of stairs at the end, which leads you to the second floor down. In Bahamut's room is the smell of incense burning and the sound of Nazareth playing in the background. This is it, I say to myself as I walk through Bahamut's room. Bahamut has two guards. One says, "This is BAHAMUT's room." The other says, "BAHAMUT verifies the true courage of all."
Then, I see upon the face of Bahamut, and I almost faint at His Majesty's. He is an elderly dragon who has probably seen great warriors come and go, you know like Yoda, except Bahamut's a dragon and I don't think that Bahamut speaks backwards either. Bahamut says, "The TAIL of a rat proves your courage. I shall give you the honor due true Warriors." Oh my God oh my God! We're superheroes now!
This is so awesome! There's just one thing. Bahamut is a fish who appeared to Isa on the 496th night. Why is he a dragon? What you don't believe me. Listen to this:
| “ | At this sight Isa fell down aswoon, and when he came to himself, Allah spake to him by inspiration, saying, 'O Isa, hast thou seen the fish and comprehended its length and its breadth?' He replied, 'By Thy honour and glory, O Lord, I saw no fish; but there passed me by a great bull, whose length was three days' journey, and I know not what manner of thing this bull is.' Quoth Allah, 'O Isa, this that thou sawest and which was three days in passing by thee, was but the head of the fish; and know that every day I create forty fishes like unto this.' | ” |
My Warriors then walk out with dignity.
Oh my God oh my God! I can't believe I shook hands with Bahamut, the King of the Dragons. This is probably what it felt like when Homer Simpson shook hands with Mick Jagger and Keith Richards at Rock 'N' Roll Fantasy Camp, or this is probably what it feels like when a typical teenage girl meets Justin Bieber, or when a hipster gets to shake hands and then get extremely drunk with Conor Oberst, or when a hippie gets the chance to shake the left hand of Jerry Garcia (his right hand is no good to shake).
And what's even more is that Bahamut gave us all knighthoods. This isn't like getting a knighthood from the Queen of England. No, this is way better than that. It's like getting a knighthood from the King of Norway! Oh my God oh my God!
WAIT, IS MY VOICE CRACKING?!??!!!?! MAN, I'M JUST SO EXCITED. MY WARRIORS GOT KNIGHTHOODS!!
I think I'm going to pass out now.
Chapter eight[edit]
When I regain consciousness, I realize that I have tons of work to do.
HEAD RUSH!
I decide to go to the unnamed city again. I want to talk with some of the villagers more. I talk with this one punk, with his hair all spiked up and shit, and you know what he says? "Kope 'says' he saw a shining object fall." Who is Kope? Whoever he is, he's obviously important enough to the game to have a name.
So I walk around this city, looking for Kope. I see him. He looks like a kid. He says, "My name is Kope. I saw it north, near the waterfall. Believe me! I think it was a robot." Whatever........ Actually that reminds me of that one time I thought was having a paranoia attack when I saw the bear - my school mascot - dancing around outside the door during second period, and I thought it was going crazy, because I knew that I wasn't tripping when I saw that dancing bear. Or it's like that one song, by Black Sabbath, "Fairies Wear Boots", God I love that song. Fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me, I saw it I saw it I tell you no lie, fairies wear boots and you gotta believe me, I saw it I saw it with my own two eyes, AAHAHAHAHAHA RIGHT NOW!!
Anyway, I'll check out this robot later, but first I got to talk to this woman. She says, "WARRIORS, you have OXYALE. The mermaids wait, please help them!" Oh I get it now! OXYALE! It's for breathing underwater. I get it now, I thought it was like some kind of air freshener or something.
So, I go inside the submarine. It's not yellow, FYI. It looks kind of ancient; the music playing is nice, kind of upbeat. I like it. I like it.
Then, I read into this villainess called the naga, which makes like no fucking sense, because if I remember correctly, Naga is the Hindu goddess of fertility. If only I could what remember what my Aunt Sattavya told me. So, like what the hell, why is Naga evil?
Then, I see this semi-concealed set of stairs on my right-hand side. I go up these stairs. The stairs have these treasure rooms but I don't give a damn. I go up the stairs in this room too. I then go to the top floor of this submarine, oh wait I'm not in a submarine at all. The submarine was leading me to this underwater shrine or whatever this is. Goddamn, I'm lost. Unfortunately, I can't get a map of the Final Fantasy world when I'm in a village, township, castle, or indoors period when I press B Select so I'm on my own. This kind of reminds me of the story of a guy named Frankie, who believed he worked in a lunchroom, so he was then put to work in an asylum's lunchroom, funny how things work out isn't it. Whoa what am I trying to say?
Okay, focus, so there are these mermaids, most of them are just flirting with us cuz we're sexy. If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands (clap clap)/If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands (clap clap)/If you're sexy and you know it and your body really shows it/If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands (clap clap). Sexy and I Know It!
Okay, no more distractions, not any silly in-jokes than me and my friends, not anything to do with that creepy montage of Lucille I was making with "Windows Live Movie Maker" with photos that I got of her using a fake Facebook account, and you did not read that last thing I typed.
Okay, focus. Speed, I am speed. One winner, 42 losers. I eat losers for breakfast.
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Okay, focus. Maybe I should listen to the first monologue of Little Steven's Underground Garage. It is a Saturday night after all.
Okay, I think I’m focused now. Wow I had a real Ty Pennington moment there. Okay, so there were these mermaids, and they flirted with us, but you know we wouldn’t have mermaid sex, because that’s bestiality. One mermaid says, “My friend Darryl went to the land, then never returned. I've often wondered what happened.... Maybe, she grew legs and walked away?” So, that was what’s up with that chick bragging about her legs.
Also, in the room with the mermaids, there are these treasure rooms. There is this money in most of these treasure chests, which you know is good so I can buy more spells; better spells, cooler spells. I’m real excited. And there’s this one treasure chest that’s on the far right-hand corner, however it’s inaccessible. So, I talk a walk around the room, which turns out to be circular, you see, and the treasure room is now the left-hand corner of the room, or maybe it’s still on the right since it’s circular. And in this treasure room, on the right-hand treasure chest (or whatever) is this thing called a SLAB. Right, a SLAB. It must be like Rosetta Stone or something. Anyway, there’s also two other treasure chests, which in them are….. are….. stuff that’s really worthless. I think. Oh well, you find out yourself.
Next I use the EXIT spell so I can get out of this shrine and save my data at an inn. Before I get an inn, I see this guy. He says, “Soar to my brother Unne with the SLAB!” Oh yeah, I guess it goes to Dr. Unne, that guy in Melmond who insulted us.
But first things first, I got to rest at this inn. Next, I’m going to go to that town just south of Gaia to see what’s going on.
So, in this town, I see a man standing at the front cave – or maybe it was a woman; it was kind of hard for me to tell. Anyway, he/she/it says to me, “Lu....pa....? Lu....pa....?” Maybe what he/she/it meant to say was, “Koona t'chuta, Solo?”
So, I march forward into this some city some more. Another villager says, “Lu....pa....? Lu....pa....?” And then another, and another, and another. AAHHH!! Why’s everybody speaking in tongues! I run around in confusion and maybe in a little bit of terror, and I see a magic shop. There’s a white magic shop on the left and a black mage shop next to it on the right. I walk into the black magic shop first.
In the black magic shop, there’s a Jawa. He says, “Who will learn the spell?” Few, finally, some plain English, instead of everybody speaking in God knows what.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t afford the spell he was offering to me, which I’ll reveal later.
I go into the white magic shop right next door and as always, there’s a warlock-looking dude with a pointy hat and long hair asking, “Who will learn the spell?” The spell is also out of our price range also.
Well, I guess I’ll have to go to Melmond now. I walk through the forest to my helicopter. On my way, I run into a wyvern. Now, I know what you’re asking, “What’s a wyvern?” I’ll tell you. Let me get out my big dictionary.
It’s a Thorndike-Barnhart World Book Dictionary from 1978. Now I know what you’re thinking and I understand too – sure this dictionary doesn’t have words like ayatollah or Sandinista in it, but understand that nobody knew about those two things until 1979.
Okay, let’s see here, wyvern. Here it is: wyvern (wī’vƏrn), n. = wivern.
Okay then, let’s look there.
Got it: wivern (wī’vƏrn), n. heraldry. a two-legged, winged dragon with a long, barbed tail. Also, wyvern. [earlier wiver, special use of Middle English wyver, and guivre serpent, viper <Old North French wivre, Old French guivre < Latin vīpera]
So that’s why that thing looks so gnarly. Righteous!
Anyways, backs to our story. We killed the wyvern, then we rushed to Melmond. We found Dr. Unne in the same place we saw him the last time we saw him. He said, “A SLAV! I mean….A SLAB! This SLAB will lead us to solve the riddle of the Lefeinish!! Now, listen to me….”
And after 6 tedious hours of English-Lefeinish lessons from Dr. Unne, we’re ready to go back into the town of Lefein, and listen to the Lefeinish talk.
The guy/gal at the main gate says, “We are the Lefeinish. Only our bravest became SKY WARRIORS. Your AIRSHIP was theirs.” Oh so, this helicopter has previous owners. Is that what you’re trying to tell me, sir/ma’am?
Then, there are two guards, right? I talk to the one on the right first. He says, “Oh, the LIGHT WARRIORS!! The legend is true!” Okay okay, I understand you’re excited but please don’t have a boner in front of me.
Then, I talk to the guard on the left. He says, “At the time of destruction a legend was born…. In 400 years, WARRIORS with ORBS will appear to save our people. Are you?” Yes, we are. Do you want an autograph? It only costs 5 bucks a head, 20 bucks if you want all of us to sign it.
I now walk into the city limits. One man says, "400 years ago, we had an advanced civilization. Our interest was the universe!!" Nice, you sound like cool people. I love the universe! That's where everything I love is!
Another Lefeinish says, "Until 400 years ago we controlled the Power of the Wind. This enabled us to suspend the castle in the air."
The next Lefeinish I see says to me, "The FLOATING CASTLE floats high in the sky, seemingly among the stars." You people sound a lot like the Mesopotamians to me.
Then, a Lefeinish says unto me, "We have passed on the legends from generation to generation. But 400 years have caused our memories to fade." That's the same thing about the story of God, which was slowly corrupted by human error, until 622 AD, when the Prophet Muhammad came to tell the true word of God.
Another Lefeinish ponders, "I wonder if the robots made by our ancestors are still moving?" Wait, so you people are Czech as well?
Next, a Lefeinish tells me that "We know that a great power controlled the FIENDS. Our five bravest warriors left, never to return." Don't be such a gloomy Gus, I'm sure they're okay.
The next Lefeinish gives me more optimistic words: "Our last five Warriors left to find the cause of the world's decay. We Know they live, but, as bats." Now that's the spirit!
Another Lefeinish tells me, "We fought with TIAMAT, but were unsuccessful. The FIEND now inhabits our FLOATING CASTLE." Wait, you people are based off of the Mesopotamians! This is for sure now.
Then, a Lefeinish tells me, "The power of wind was taken by TIAMAT." Wait, would that better if I put that quote before the one above it?
Penultimate, a Lefeinish gives me some valuable information: "The FLOATING CASTLE.... Our ancestors lived there. The Mirage Tower is the entrance."
Finally, a Lefeinish who's just standing around gives me what I was looking for: "With this CHIME you can enter the Mirage Tower," he tells me. Yippy! I got what I want!
I'll talk to you people again!
Now, I got to go to that waterfall nearby that unnamed town. Right, so um, in here, it's normal. You see the Nightmare horses, which I have mentioned afore in the section on the Castle of Ordeal.
But there's a twist. Now get this: Not only that do you have to fight in this waterfall, but also another villain you face is the golem. OY VEY! I mean, golems, they protected my family during the Middle Ages. But 'en again, it's good to mix up the folklore. And nothing like a story from the old Jewish tradition. L'Chaim!
Then, okay okay, so there's this room on the other side of this waterfall, even though I think that this room behind the waterfall is a circular room. Anyway, there's this treasure room. Inside is a robot. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, you'll probably be hopeful too. I mean, from the robots I grew up with as a kid, this is going to have be awesome, because robots is what makes beer breweries thrive, particularly the Löbrau company and its affiliates.
But instead of a crazy, hilarious, cigar-smoking, alcohol-fueled, gambling robot like the ones I know and love, I instead get this robot to say unto me, "Take this CUBE. With it, you can transfer to the FLOATING CASTLE. Bite my shiny metal ass.
I try to talk to the robot some more but this time he says, "Nigga please." Now, that's what I'm talking about!
Now I got to find some sort of ridiculous transistor between this chapter and the next.
Oh wait I got it.
Chapter nine[edit]
[Setting: Yahnikurm Desert; "Hidden Treasure" by Traffic plays in the background; show our four warriors braving the elements with Havelock's on their heads, except for the Red Mage Red Wizard Megapimp, who's still wearing his red pimp hat with the feather in it.]
The Light Warriors march back and forth through the desert, sort of like a French legionnaire, and upon the first things you notice about the Yahnikurm Desert is how big it is. I mean, it's like the Really Big Tree, except for being a big-ass tree, it's a big-ass desert.
Also, one other thing you notice that the Yahnikurm Desert is a land lost in time. You can find Ankylosauruses ("Ankylos" for short), Red Ankylosauruses ("R. Ankylos" for short), the Red Tyrannosaurus ("Tyro" for short) and even T. Rex. Okay, now before I go into further detail, let me clear up: When I say T. Rex, I'm not talking about the legendary rock group that wrote "Cosmic Dancer," "I Love to Boogie" and "(Bang a Gong) Get It On". Sorry to let your hopes up, but in the storyline of Final Fantasy is not where Marc Bolan hid after his faked death in 1977.
The T. Rex I am talking about here is blue, about this tall and is actually one of the rarest monsters in the game, even rarer than the OOZE. In my entire experiences of playing this game, I have only said the blue T. Rex three times. However, the T. Rex's red cousin the Tyro shows up plenty of times. Even, every now and then, the Tyro fights in a pair with the Wyvern. No one knows why, not even Yositaka Amano.
Anyway, I walk to the Mirage Tower, and inside it, it's real cool. Almost ran into some hell on the way here with the red Tyro, but I managed to evade it. Anyway, when we walk in, there's a room and there are these treasure chests. Nothing in the treasure chests real useful, but however, there is a Heal Helmet in one of them, or maybe that's the next floor up. I don't know; they mashed together into one memory. It's like what I say: "Memory is like a mirror, time is like fog and life is like a road. The farther you travel down the road, the more fogged the mirror gets."
Anyway, also on the first floor, there's a robot. And the robot says one of the most adorable things I ever heard. "Are you the master?" Aaaahhhhh, he thinks I'm his daddy. That is so adorable. I mean it. It is one of the most cutesy-wutsey things I've ever heard, but then again, I'm the baby in my family so I don't know much about people saying cute things.
Actually, some people said that I used to say cute things to Lucille. I actually remember what I said to Lucille the day I met that well-assimilated foreigner.
| “ | Your feet must be tired because you've been running round my mind all day. | ” |
The well-assimilated foreigner sighed immediately upon the line. But the past is the past. It’s insignificant to me now. <Starts to shed tears> Excuse me.
JTJEHSUIWTHJAUIHFGAUIYIYHRTUIWAHNRYWHBYENWNTAYHBRYNAEYRNAENYARYERNYAYRAUTIHGTNJEIOKSGLIOERHUIEGJNMJGHEMGGEMOHIJHEUIJHMEUIJTYGHIEJKFKRHJRTUIHJUREOAWPTKGBSNJMAFETHIMNHMUTNHNOIGWRIGRIOHNJRHIEOJTPBVMKSIVBNBHUNGUGNUGERNGUIOAJOIJTEOERJGUOJEGUYGHEIOGIHIEJPPOGSSPIHJIDIHJOSPTJOHJPTEROIHGEHOBJJEOGJPOGKKWPKTHITOJEJQUAJEWPOPWPOOGT! <Writer walks into the bathroom and doesn’t come out for the next two hours.>
I know you don't want to see a man cry, or read about a man crying. I seriously don't know what came over me there. I usually only cry when a loved one dies, or when a crazy kid tries to stab me in the heart with graphite.
BUT EVERYBODY HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURTS, SOMETIMES.
Anyway, we rush to the second floor up of the Mirage Tower in Yahnikurm Desert, and in the meanwhile, we run into............................
Wait for it..........
.........
.........
Let me build up the suspense.......
.......
.......
.......
.......
....VAMPIRES!!!!
Yeah, that's right, we run into a gang of vampires. What the fuck. This makes no sense, because I thought I killed the Vampire back in the Earth Cave. And unlike the Mages, these aren't his fucking cousins. Oh well, it doesn't really matter, I just killed the vampire(s) again, this time hopefully it's for real.
Anyway, I run into the treasure room on the second floor up, and in there there's a - get this - Thor's Hammer. Damn! That's just what I needed.
I run out of the Mirage Tower and try to get to the chopper and into Gaia, but I get killed by a gang of Red Ankylosauruses on the way there. Just my luck.
Thankfully I did set up a cabin before I went to the Mirage Tower. I just start up again.
Actually, no, instead of marching to the Mirage Tower again, I'd like to do something different now.
I'm going to talk about a special place just past the mountains of Yahnikurm Desert. It's on the south end. It's pretty narrow, but you can land your helicopter on the second pace there. And in fact, read this now because this is probably the only place you'll find about this, because it's not on Wikipedia because those idiots don't know anything, and it's not on the Final Fantasy wiki either because it's kind of "insignificant".
Here's this thing. It's a grassland to the southeast (or middle south) of Yahnikurm Desert, past the mountains. It's only three paces long, and if you think that dinosaurs and wyverns and other scary shit like that dwells there, you're wrong.
No, here's what it is. You march back in forth, and the only thing that lives there is IMPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing else, but imps. Nothing that could kill you, nothing that could murder the shit out of my warriors - just harmless, worthless imps. I love it too. These imps only have an HP of 8, but they're so fun to kill now, especially when you're wasting extremely expensive spells on them. I remember when these things are hard, but now they're not.
And man, there is nothing but imps in this little area. It's like a little neighborhood with nothing in it but snooty, pretentious Frenchies in. The place I call Yahnikurm Imp Hole is great. It's a great place to test spells, it's a great place to escape from the evils from the northern world, and it's one hell of a place to go when you're feeling cowardly. And if you just want to be the bully, go to Yahnikurm Imp Hole.
Hopefully you'll remember the Yahnikurm Imp Hole because it's quite useful - or useless, depending on your perspective. It's sort of shaped like a half-circle on the way south of the Yahnikurm Desert. Will you remember?
Of course you won't, so I'll just ramble on and on until you get the picture.
The Yahnikurm Imp Hole is so surreal, like Poopmenistan. It's a place in the mind like the latter, which exists only in my dreams. A place that while being so great is so nightmarish.
Well, I guess that's enough. You'll hopefully remember the Yahnikurm Imp Hole. Hey, Cat the Colourful, could you supply me with a better picture if I give you the original version?
Oh, und speaking of expensive spells, do you wanna know what the two expensive spells they had at Lefein were? For white magic, they had LIF2, which is like the LIFE spell, which brings a warrior back to life, but unlike the LIFE spell, the LIF2 not only brings the warrior back to life but back to his maximum HP.
The black magic spells are even more exciting. The spell they have on sale in Lefein is NUKE. Yeah, that's right, it does exactly what it sounds like. It's fucking awesome, and of course my first test subjects for the NUKE spell will be the poor imps at Yahnikurm Imp Hole. They get burnt painfully like they at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
So, after much much rigorous training to fight off the Red Ankylosauruses, it finally comes time again to go into the Mirage Tower. A nice, cool tower in the middle of a desolate, scorching desert; sounds an awful lot like the pyramids if you ask me. Speaking of which, check this out:
And from the Mirage Tower, I get into a little brawl with a blue dragon on the third floor up, and after that, we talk to a robot who says that “Transporter operation requires a CUBE.”
Luckily I have a cube. I transfer into a strange room with weird, Egyptian-sounding, animatronics, techno-like, mysterious, enigmatic, anti-circular, amusing, beautiful, bizarre, shape-sounding, fourth-dimension feeling, awesome music playing, in an intersection-shaped room with a black background that looks like the screen has a lot of dust in it at first, but then you realize that those dust-looking things are actually the stars in the sky.
Love this place already. It’s called the “FLOATING CASTLE” except its music is ten times cooler than the actual castle music in this game. No wait that’s an understatement. It’s ten-thousand times cooler than the actual castle music in this game.
So, um, in the FLOATING CASTLE, you go up and you might make an encounter with the EYE. You can’t avoid fighting him though, but it’s fun anyway. In the second room (second floor up) on the FLOATING CASTLE, there’s something that you really need. On the bottom corner on the left-hand side of the room is a treasure chest. Open up, it has ADAMANT in it. You remember what you need the adamant for, right? Building the sword. So, okay, then use the EXIT spell to get out as quickly and painlessly as possible. Next, set up a CABIN (or a HOUSE if you really need to). Then, march carefully to the helicopter. Then go to the dwarf village to get your sword made. The sword Smith the Blacksmith will make for you shall be a truly legendary sword.
The sword Smith mkes for you with the ADAMANT is Excalibur. You’re welcome.
Now, you’re finally ready to fight the three other fiends.
Chapter ten[edit]
First things first, though, I got to fly my airship over to the uninhabitated Malta-like island near Melmond and the Dwarf Cave. I say, in my most annoying British accent ever, “This is Lionel Day-Griffin, and I’m here to take a census!” You’re right, I don’t know who Lionel Day-Griffin is.
I scan the area though, and out of the census, the people who respond are ogres (who run away from us), wolves (who run away from us) and ghouls (who also run away from us). Nothing here but animals and monsters, and out of all of them, none of them want to fight me. Oh well. Now onto the more important stuff.
On to fight the Fiend of Fire! Oh boy this'll be exciting!
I set up a TENT nearby Gurgu Volcano. The world hasn't burnt up yet, so that's a good thing.
In Gurgu Volcano, we first run into Perilisks (which look like Coctrices which I mentioned way back in chapter five), and the Perilisks are killed right away by the Excalibur sword my Fighter Knight is carrying. And then we run into some bulls (who actually look extremely anthropomorphized and more like minotaurs) and bam, they're dead. Next floor down, we run into some Pedes (not pedophiles, but centipedes) If you don't understand the Pedes, maybe this French guy can explain it to you. Anyway, kill the Pedes in a flash. BAM! Like that, dead. Cerebuses (which look like Hyenas), BAM DEAD! Green ogres BAM DEAD. Red giants BAM DEAD. We do make an encounter with a red man named Fire, who looks kind of like the Rasta dude from the Earth Cave but also kind of looks like Satan. It was difficult be we killed Fire like that, like Nietzsche said, "Satan is dead." Okay, further further down, it burns more and more, like that burning ring of fire in that catchy Johnny Cash song. Down down down and the flames rose higher, and it burns burns burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire.
Anyway, down into the heart of Gurgu Volcano, we find the Fire Fiend's room. She says, "Is it you, the tinder that defeated the FIEND of the Earth, and disturbed my sleep? I, KARY will now show you the force of Fire, and you shall burn in its flames!!" Damn, why do all these fiends have long intros? And also, I'm sorry that I killed your boyfriend, Kary, I didn't you were dating her. Honest to God.
Oh well we got a fight.
We see Kary, and it looked like Siva had sex with a pair of bagpipes. She fights hard, I guess, tries to burn us, anyway with the Fighter Knight's Excalibur, with the White Mage White Wizard's Thor's Hammer, the Black Mage Black Wizard's Cat Claw and with the Red Mage Megapimp's spells and superawesomeness, we kill her like she was some kind of poor person.
Also, in the room where Kary is/was, there's a treasure room with this Red Dragon in it. GNARLY! Also, there's quite a few agama in the volcano. Now I bet you're wondering an agama is. I'll tell you, an agama is..... "Any one of a genus of small lizards related to the iguanas, but having acrodont dental development, found in the Mediterranean region, in southern Asia, and in Africa." And also in Gurgu Volcano, it's quite apparent. And the agamas in this game sure do look like the iguanas in this game, except the iguanas are purple and agama are red.
Also, there are some treasure chests in Kary's room, but they're empty before you get to them. DAMN YOU INDIANA JONES!
But anyway......Now we're off to kill the Fiend of Water, within the same hour that we killed Kary, because we got the Excalibur sword.
And as much as I'd like to hear the theme music for the Water Shrine - which is my third favorite music for the game after the Sky Castle theme and the sailing theme; the sailing theme is something I have still loved from the game since I first saw my dad play it when I was nine years old - I'd much rather be listening to my own music. I'll think I'll listen to "Moving to Florida" by the Butthole Surfers. And maybe I'll also listen to "Chelsea Girls" by the Velvet Underground, which is very reminiscent of my VU phase, you understand why. I still do listen to the Velvet Underground though, even if it's usually only to "Lady Godiva's Operation" and their lengthy ballads like "Chelsea Girls" and "The Gift". Yeah, I'll definitely listen to "Chelsea Girls" while I'm in the Water Shrine.
Some of the hideous things we run into the Water Shrine are the aforementioned Naga, as well as a sea troll, the great shark and ghosts, which are probably the ghosts of sailors from a sunken ship. Also, we fight lobsters – right, lobsters. Well, since I’m from Massachusetts, I make my gang kill the lobsters and then cook them into delicious dinner, like such:
Mmmmm, delicious lobsters – that would go great with mashed potatoes and clam chowdah.
Further further down the Water Shrine, we run into more and more trouble, as well as more and more money, and even into some money trouble.
Then, at the bottom floor, we meet into a ball that’s about to crack. The voice inside the ball says, “Yo, this is Flavor Flav. Who’s this?”
Oh my God! It’s the Kraken, nigga!
Our fiend of water is the Kraken. O my freaking God. O my God o my God! It’s the Kraken, who contrary to what you might’ve learned from Clash of the Titans, is not associated with Greek mythology but rather Norse mythology. Just thought I might throw that out there.
The kraken is my favorite animal. In fact, here’s a list of my top five favorite animals.
And I’ve made encounters with all of those animals in this game, except for the Cerberus, well I guess technically I did. Well, we have fought the Cerebus, which was a fearsome hyena-like creature that likes to burn stuff in this game, however the Cerberus I’m thinking of is the many-headed dog that guarded the gates of Hell.
Okay okay, I’m getting off-topic (as always). Anyway, we fight the Kraken and man, this FIEND sure is a tough customer. I mean, man, does he pack a punch! I mean, fuck. If you think that krakens are pussies, oh then you got another thing coming. I mean, this guy is taking no shit. Fuck, out of the three fiends we have made encounters with so far, this guy is tougher than both of the other two. I mean, this guy is hard. And I’m not saying that because I have to kill my favorite animals. But you know, all good things have to come to an end, except for the buffet at Izzy’s.
And then when I kill the Kraken, which took up a lot of strength, don’t forget, I go to the plate-looking thing in his room, stand in it hoping not to get shot even though I’m 20,000 feet below the ground which there could be no possible gunshot coming from anywhere down here, and when I stand in the plate-thing, the little swooshing sound comes, and time freezes for a little while. You know, it’s some real trippy stuff. And now, three of the ORBS have light in them. Onto the fourth.
Vorwärts, freie Deutsche Jugend!
Chapter eleven[edit]
Okay, so the training process buffing up to kill Tiamat the Fiend of the Wind is really tedious, so we’ll just cut the crap and cut straight to the action.
So we save our data at a tent, or a cabin or whatever, I’m letting you use your imagination this time. We go into the Mirage Tower, trying not to run into trouble, trying being the key word here. We run into some guards and sentries, but they probably just want our autographs. You know, we’re famous like that.
We use our CUBE to transfer to the FLOATING CASTLE, which floats, honestly, among the stars. (Where have I heard that before?)
Let’s see here, we know what’s on the first two floors of the Floating Castle, but get this. On the third floor, there are these computers, okay. You know what they say to us?
| “ | I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave. My mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. | ” |
Also, there is a robot standing by a window (the only one in the game), and the robot says to you “You can look out over the world from this window.”
Then, when you look out the window, some voice, which I imagine sounded something like Morgan Freeman: “From this window one can see the entire world. The Four Forces are flowing together, into the center of the Four Altars. Into the Temple of FIENDS.”
Also, we fight some Wizard Vamps, which look like the regular Vampires, except for one crucial thing: The regular Vampires have red hair and a blue cape, while the Wizard Vamps have blue hair and a red cape.
The fourth floor is inconceivably confusing, like the opening dungeon in Might and Magic: Secrets of the Inner Sanctum - which is impossible to maneuver your way out of, as the gatekeeper in the dungeon requires you earn experience points to leave the dungeon, however every fight you get each monster strikes you hard even though you only have 15 HP points tops, and no matter how hard you try everything will kill you before you can earn enough experience to leave the dungeon, which I might discuss in a future article, call it "A god-awful narrative on how Might and Magic pisses me off".
Everything on the fourth floor looks exactly the same, like houses do at night. Each corner is equidistant from each other, and there are no distinguishing landmarks to tell one apart from the other. However, there is one little thing. The elevators going up look different from the elevator going down, so here`s what you do: you start off on the fourth floor, go left, go down, go left, go down, go left, go down, and hopefully there'll be an elevator. Take it, it'll take you up.
Oh yeah, and if you run into a WarMech, which looks like one of those freaky AT-whatever-you-call-those from Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, fight hard and use as much willpower and expensive magic as you can to kill that son of a bitch. It's real worth it. If all of your crew members survive the ordeal, you earn 8000 experience points for each of your warriors, if only three survive you earn 10666 experience points, if only two 16000 experience points, and if only one (which can only be remotely hopeful if the Fighter Knight is the one who survives) then 32000 points for your lone survivor.
Anyway, marching down to the room of Tiamat on the fifth floor is real long, like walking the Green Mile.
At the end of the long walk is the room of Tiamat. A green ball will say, "Lightning erupts from the FIEND's ball.... So, you have come this far.... I, TIAMAT the FIEND of the Wind will now put an end to your adventure!!" Finally, this story is coming to a close!
Tiamat is a dragon, like I thought she would be. This could be a real pain in the ass, but if Marduk could kill Tiamat and her spawn Kingu, I think I can too.
Right away Tiamat uses her THUNDER move. AC/DC fan, are you there, Tiamat? My White Mage White Wizard uses her FADE move to kill Tiamat. What does FADE mean? Fight Against Da Evil And my Black Mage Black Wizard uses his NUKE move to kill Tiamat, which to a person who has just started reading on this article, probably sounds amazing, probably because it fucking is.
Tiamat also uses the BANE move to beat the shit out of my Warriors. Gotcha! No, the BANE move doesn’t do what Bane from The Dark Knight Rises does, but rather it kills my Warriors with a poison gas. It’s tricky and awful if you ask me, but hey, we’ll get past this, won’t we?
Hey, with the Ring, we can – shit! We don’t have a ring! Oh well, we got NUKE and FADE. We’ll kill this tricky daughter-of-a-bitch.
DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! [Unbelievably cartoonish ripping sounds come from striking Tiamat with a sword, whilst really raggedy sounds come from the spells my wizards use.]
Monsters perished.
Yes! We made it!
Wait a second, where’s our big reward?
I must go see the Twelve Sages of Crescent Lake.
Sages one through five have nothing new to say, but the sixth sage says, "Time will repeat itself every 2000 years. Break the Time-Loop!" Oh great, now I have to kick everybody's ass all over again. No respect, no respect at all.
The seventh sage says, "I see now. Someone who travelled back 2000 years is the cause of the world's destruction. After 2000 years he will travel back again.... Then again.... Then again...." Oh great, now I have to kill Jesus. Is that what you're telling me?
The eighth sage says, "Someone travelled 2000 years to the past. The four FIENDS were sent forward in time. Those FIENDS threaten to destroy the world today." Wait, I have to kill four more Fiends?
The ninth sage tells me, "Time is repeating. In order to break the Time-Loop you must eliminate the enemy who controls from 2000 years in the past." Are you threatening me with that karma stuff, sir? Because if you are, it's working.
The tenth sage says this: "The world was suddenly thrown into disorder. You must restore it." Ooh! Disorder! That's my favorite Joy Division song!
The eleventh sage says, "With the four ORBS shining again the Time Gate can be broken. The true enemy is 2000 years in the past." I still feel like the fifth, hidden fiend might be Evil Jesus.
Finally, the twelfth sage says, "The Temple of FIENDS is in the center of the Four Altars. The time has come to destroy the source of evil." Ah! But I just wanted to have some fun!
Man, this is an even bigger trick than the one time my family and I went on vacation to Hawai’i for two weeks and when we came back, the people who my mom asked to clean the house while we were gone replaced the Spyro 6 game in my bedroom with a Spyro 8.
Chapter twelve[edit]
So my task is incomplete. I have to go back in time.
Okay. I got a headache. I gotta get some Uriah Heep if I'm going to make it through this predestination paradox.
[I pop Uriah Heep's Demons & Wizards album; I skip "The Wizard" and go to the second track; "Traveller in Time" plays; I sing along.]
Everyday I have to look to the sun, to see where it was that I have come from; I have a feeling that there must be a time when I'LL GET A CHANCE TO GO HOME, 'cuz I'm so tired of being here alone, but I'm just a traveller in time, trying so hard to pay for my crime.
I travel to the Temple of Fiends, which is coincidentally located at the center of the world, honestly.
When I walk into the temple, I walk into the place where I first fought in this game. I notice the bats as usual, but I realize that there are five bats here. And there were five Sky Warriors, and the Sky Warriors got turned into the bats, and this is where everything went wrong, so these must by the Sky Warriors! Oh what an honor, what an honor.
The first bat I talk to says, "Help! The FIEND's curse turned us into bats. With the ORBS shining anew, once again we can speak!" And just like I thought, my hypothesis was right.
The second bat says, "The Four FIENDS power is rooted 2000 years ago. The real enemy is in that time." You forgot the apostrophe, sir, but that's okay.
The third bat says, "When the 4 ORBS cover the black ORB in the center of the palace, the Time Gate can open."
The fourth bat says, "We are the five lost SKY WARRIORS. 400 years ago we battled against the cause of the world's destruction."
The fifth bat says, "You must travel back in time 2000 years. Now, with the ORBS shining, stand in the Time Gate."
So I talk to the Black Orb. He says, "The four ORBS now cover the Black Orb. To take a step forward is to go back 2000 years." Or he says something cheesy like that, I forget. Realize that I am your unreliable narrator.
This isn't like stepping into a whirlpool like the one in the Odyssey, is it?
Man, this is some trippy shit, like playing Fact Blaster.
So, the music for the Temple of Fiends is really gay. I mean like the gayest music on the entire game. Hell, it's gayer than Christmas.
So, I'm strolling around in the Temple of Fiends, and there these tiny barriers that are blocking us from taking a shortcut. And the barriers aren't that tall, actually. You can see what's over them. But alas, our Light Warriors are like elephants. Although they are powerful, they can't jump.
Man, I just hope that while I'm traveling back through time I can pick up some historical babes.
Now get this, while we're down here in the tunnel, we run into - A GIANT WORM! Yeah. I know, and it looks an awful lot like those 450-foot-long worms from Dune.
Okay, so now I step down into the lower pits of the Temple. I hope no giant ball is just going to roll up out of nowhere and squash us all to death.
On the third floor, we run into these awful Gas Dragons, which are all fun and games until they start giving you POISON, and I'm not talking about the good kind either. No, this poison isn't going to give me a good time, nor every rose with a thorn, no it's going to hurt each of my warriors at about 80 HP each. Just think, if I was here at the beginning of the game, these guys would've crushed us, although they would've died beforehand just due to the sheer danger of traveling back 2000 years.
And into a room on the same floor, there is this thing that looks almost like the Eye from the Ice Cave, except it's orange, and it's called the PHANTOM. However, unlike the Eye, the Phantom actually is undead. And you can't avoid the Phantom, you can run away from him. And to top things off, the Phantom is only worth 1 experience point and 1 gold coin if you kill him. He's a cheap bastard, if you ask me - even cheaper than Jon Cryer.
Moving forward, we see a stone plate on the floor. We use every item we can to break it. We use the ROD - it doesn't work this time round. We use the CHIME - it doesn't work either. We use the KEY - it doesn't work. We use the FLOATER - it doesn't work. We use the CUBE - it doesn't work. We use the OXYALE - it doesn't work. We use the CROWN - it doesn't work. We use the CABIN - except we can't even set one up here, probably because we're indoors, like an indoor fighting arena. Maybe it's opened with a magic word, like "Abracadabra" or "Open sesame" or "Open rye" or "Bismillah" or "Alacazam" or "Alcatraz" or "Help! There's been a horrible accident by the side of the road! Let us inside so we can use your phone to call for an ambulance!" I guess that I will use the EXIT spell to get out of the ancient Temple of Fiends and work things out in the present.
Shit, maybe it's back to the Castle Coneria. After all, I think I'm past due with a conversation with the King.
We walk into Castle Coneria, and one of the top guards says, "Yes Sir!! I belong to the Honor Guard of Castle Coneria." Okay, hey, there's a room, over there. Inside is Sara's sister. Her sister, whose name remains a mystery, says, "My sister is back safe! Thank you."
And I notice there are four chairs in her room, so it's obvious she's actually standing in the dining room. The guards and the doctor and everybody else can't eat. Just the royalty, and they only eat when we're not there. If there were eight chairs, we could have dinner with the royalty, but alas, our Fighter Knight probably scares the people away, because he's just so badass.
So, I walk into the Queen's room, she's lying in bed. Her name's Queen Jane, by the way, and she says, "Thank you for rescuing the Princess," or maybe she said "Thank you for saving the Princess," whatever, there's only a one-word difference between the two phrases anyway, and it's basically what 75% of everyone in the Castle is saying to us. So we go to the second story of the Castle, where the King and Princess Sara lives.
I talk to the King first, he says, "The Princess always worries about you." Yeah, those groupies.
Then the Princess says this very lengthy thing about a LUTE, and I'm just saying, "Gimme the lute gimme the lute."
I walk out, and the castle doctor says to me, in his Scottish accent which might actually be his real accent because I've never noticed him until right now, "Legend says that the LUTE can break the evil gate." Do you mean, the Evil Gate of Mordor?
So back in time. What we gonna do right here is go back. How far you going back? Way back! As we go a little something like this, hit it!
So we fight that cheap Phantom, who's the (un)dead cousin of the Eye, obviously. We play the lute, with our lute amp up at full blast, rocking out, playing our song, and a stairway is revealed. After a little ten-minute lute freak out, we go downstairs, or maybe upstairs. Yeah, definitely upstairs.
Hopefully you have all your Warriors worked up to their max potential, with the Fighter Knight at Level 50 with 999 experience points, and if he doesn't, tough luck.
After going upstairs, we go down into a creepy black room with a spooky piece of Astroturf in the center. At the end of this room on the staircase down is Lich, the Fiend of the Earth. Yeah, I know, you'll have to fight him again, and he's worth less experience points this time around and he fights harder now.
On the next room down, you fight Kary, the Fiend of Fire, who's also worth less experience points and hits harder now. You gotta realize that this is in the past, and these fiends were younger back then, so they got more energy, but the four warriors have wisdom past their ages, like a guy who knows everything about Led Zeppelin.
On the room after that, you fight – drum roll please - the Kraken, the Fiend of Water again, and guess what else. He hits harder and is worth less experience points. However, if he kills one of your Warriors, which is likely, each surviving member will earn - get a load of this - 666 experience points. Devil out of hell!
*NOTE: Please ignore the blood-covered stones on Kraken’s floor. They mean absolutely nothing and are honestly a completely worthless eyesore.*
After that, you fight Tiamat, the Fiend of the Wind, and she still hits like a girl. But you know, like Milla Jovovich or Lucy Liu or Famke Janssen or Uma Thurman, that kind of girl.
*Now this is something extremely important I have to tell you. There is a hidden part of Tiamat's room, and in that other side is a treasure chest, with a sword called the Masmume in it, which is actually pretty essential if you're going to go on with this suicide mission.*
And below Tiamat's room is a room so wretched and horrible that no other evil lives in here except for the force controlling the Four Fiends. Now, if you're a little chicken, you can march around in circles, and you won't fight anything, but you can march around in circles, to the rhythm of Pietro Mascagni's Cavalleria rusticana Intermezzo sinfonico, like Robert De Niro did at the beginning of Raging Bull.
Once your confidence is boosted up enough, make sure that all your Warriors' HP are to their full potential, or somewhere near there.
And the evil man who secretly sock-puppets the Four Fiends from 2000 years in the past is......
.....Wait for it.....
......
Colonel Kurtz Garland!
Don't laugh! The secret evil is the pussy that hasn't been mentioned in this at all since chapter two.
He says, "Remember me, Garland? I'm that crazy nigga you thought you and yo mötafucka friends killed at the beginning, but them Four Fiends sent me back two-thousand years into the past. Then, I sent those Fiends to the future, gave them supahpowas and shit, and they keep on sendin' back to here, and the time loop will go on and you and yo crazy cracka asses will have to keep on fighting me with gats and shit. And after 2000 years and shit, this crazy Juggernaut nigga will be forgotten, and the Time-Loop will close. I will live forever, and you shall meet doom, BIOTCH!!"
Oh man, this is gonna be great. Our last big boss fight and then we can retire from this Warrior business. Oh shit! What the fuck is this? Garland ain't some dumb nigga who wears a big Viking helmet and a silly-ass cape and he thinks he's invincible. No, now he's the JUGGERNAUT CHAOS, BITCH! And he has to be at least six times bigger than we last remembered him, but this'll be easy because Garland only has 106 HP points and we're really powerful, but on the other hand, this is 2000 years ago, and Garland's 2000 years younger even though he's actually traveled back in time, so he's probably actually more powerful than we imagine.
Okay, this is our last big fight. No sweat. Got to do my big-boss killing thing. Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna turn the lights off because it's night when I'm in the middle of this battle, and turn on my extreme boss-killing music: "The End" by the Doors.
I'll let the music flow through my veins, I mean this song is 11 minutes and 43 seconds long, so no rush. And I'll just let my energies collide while my Fighter Knight rhythmically kills Garland/Chaos with his Excalibur, my Red Mage Megapimp with his Masmune, my White Mage White Wizard with her Thor's Hammer, and my Black Mage Black Wizard with his Cat Claw. And I imagine that in Vietnam, some guys are poaching an elephant for breakfast right as I'm killing Garland/Chaos in time to "The End".
Sweat pours down from my forehead, the slightest error could be deadly, while I let my Black Mage Black Wizard and my White Mage White Wizard use their weapons a couple of rounds, I prefer them to use magic, particularly the Black Mage Black Wizard to use NUKE and my White Mage White Wizard to use FADE.
But Garland/Chaos now can use magic, including spells I didn't even know existed. Like TORNADO, which tries to kill my warriors with the effects of a tornado; or SWIRL, which tries to kill my warriors by giving them an extremely swirly, worse than any that you got in the fourth grade; or CRACK, which tries to kill my warriors by making them use Crack, with the hopes that they'll OD; or he can even use INFERNO, which burns my warriors by forcing them to read Dante.
And while Jim Morrison reaches the height of his orgasm, we reach the height of our battle, on the verge of casting out chaos completely from the Final Fantasy world, except for the occasional bar-fight.
However, Garland/Chaos is a tricky son of a bitch now, unlike in the beginning, and just when he's at death's door, he pulls the blanket from underneath us and uses CUR4, which returns his HP back to its maximum capacity, which at least 2500. Hell, it could be over 9000.
However, now we hit Garland/Chaos harder, with all the power from Excalibur, Masmune, NUKE and FADE that we can muster, and we kill him.
The screen reads "Monsters perished", but Garland/Chaos is still there. What the fudge? And then the earth starts shaking, everything disappears, except for our Four Brave Warriors. Even the background dissolves with Garland, almost as if every sin in this game was being destroyed. Then there was nothing but our warriors, and the plain black background behind them.
BUT THEN THERE'S A TWIST!
An image of a serene lake with a forest nearby it shows up, with a large, aggravating black screen showing up. Oh boy here we go again.
The Time-Loop is now broken! The 2000 year long battle is over. Peace prevails.
Yeah! Suck it! War!
Control of the four elements, the Earth, the Wind, the Fire, and the Water, again belongs to the earth.
That makes no sense. So the earth belongs to the earth again, is what you're saying?
Garland's hatred burned for 2000 years. That hatred led the Four Powers to this world.
Well, Garland was a good knight until..........
CHAOS was created from those Four.
Oh, just like how woman was created from a man's rib.
Evil dominated the world and covered it in darkness.
Oh yeah, sort of like in Detroit, right?
But, it is over now, wrong has been set right!!
Okay, you got me to admit it. I'm secretly a fan of the Bright Eyes.
The LIGHT WARRIORS are returning.... As they travel in time, the world returns to normal.
Damn, this traveling forward in time thing takes a little time.
Sara and Jane wait for them.... Of course, Garland does too.
Garland isn't going to rape them, is he?
But, when did it ever happen? ....
¿Qué, señora?
Everything went mad in a day. The reason lies in the 2000 year Time-Loop.
Oh yeah. Just like I went mad when Lucille left me and decided to work as a foreign exchange student in India, or when my friend Tim decided to work as a foreign exchange student in Germany. God! I miss and love both those people equally. I especially miss you, Tim! And you're okay too, Lucille. But Tim, you were a great friend and my heart's really empty now that you can't hang out with me at the lunch table anymore because you're far away from me! I love you Tim! Because I realized that platonic love can exist between two straight men.
The Four chose to become one force, and fight against the four evil forces that set darkness upon the world.
You're welcome.
When the Four return, it will be to their past. All signs of the battle with the Forces will be erased.
So what was the point with fighting Garland?
But the legend will live on. Passed down by the Dwarves, the Elves, and the Dragons....
God, I love those people.
Passed on by peoples unsure where the story came from.
Uh yes, peoples. Like the Maya peoples.
The LIGHT WARRIORS return from their journey back in time 2000 years.
Wait, that's it? This is a broken dream, like how the tire trench has been removed from my grade school since I went there.
The memories stored deep in their hearts will protect the world.
But if it's stored deep in their hearts, then how will the world be protected, because the world can't just run on secrets.
Never forget the good and true....
I'll try not to forget the good and true.
Never turn the Four Powers to the dark side....
Yes, our Warriors will definitely not become Siths.
And truth will always live in the hearts of the people.
And a man named Barack Obama will become president.
The Warrior who broke the 2000 year Time-Loop is truly a LIGHT WARRIOR.... That warrior was YOU!
Thanks, but this article would be nothing had it not been for Cat the Colourful's support.
May the ORBS always shine!! ....
There's just one more thing......
The End
You call that an end? Where's the explosion? Where's the big parade welcoming the warriors back to the present? Where's the dignity of knowing that we've returned the light of peace to the world? And there's a ton of other unanswered questions too.
Like, for example, why can't the Prince of ElfLand get his lazy ass out of bed even though he's awake now?
This is a rip-off. No, wait, this is a real fuck off. Unanswered questions everywhere, just incompletion, no satisfactory feeling, nothing. I mean, this game could’ve ended with as much spectacle as a Henry Barakat movie. And there's still one thing that remains lingering in my head. Remember what that dragon told me once?
| “ | In the northern world, there once was a prosperous civilization, but now it is ruins. | ” |
Well, I've looked, but I haven't found the ruins yet, but it's probably there somewhere. The game probably just doesn't want me to know about it.
The prosperous civilization in the north that is now ruins, by my estimates, probably looks like this:
Which brings me to another interesting dragon quote, which I hitherto forgot about:
| “ | Once in the north, there were beautiful palaces and big mechanical castles. | ” |
Mechanical castles? Man, that would be awesome!
Also, other questions I have about this game are:
- How come the city/country in which the Water Shrine lies has no name?
- Why do most cities in this game have tombstones, but the city/country in which the Water Shrine lies is the only one that has a fancy cemetery?
- Why is there only one waterfall?
- Who is Erdrick?
- Why's there an old guy at the gate of the Castle of Ordeal?
- Most importantly of all, what's with the wells?
I bet you're wondering what I'm talking about. Well, every well in every city you encounter in this game says the same thing: "This is a well. You might think that there is something to it.... But in fact it is just an ordinary well." But from as far as my knowledge goes about this game, which might be way too far, is that every well in this game is just an ordinary well, so why would I wonder. There's not like any well I can jump into, and fight some kind of evil leprechaun in there, or something.
And this game is kind of pro-animal cruelty if you think about it. I mean, you kill wolves, you kill iguanas, you kill agamas, you kill imps (which kind of look like pigs), you kill bulls, you kill asps, you kill cobras, you kill saurias, you kill hyenas, you kill man-cats, you kill dinosaurs, you kill horses, you kill ghouls and you kill all sorts of other animals. You might as well. You might as well fight an evil dolphin with all the animal killing that's going on.
And ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway? . . . So . . . So . . . Excuse me . . . Ha ha ha! Mm-mmh . . . So . . . Ha ha ha . . . Ha ha ha! Who gives a fuck anyway?
However, in these eight days I completed Final Fantasy in, I have found much of my life sorted out. Yes, I completed Final Fantasy in eight days, and I don't mean in eight God days, but eight human days. However, this article couldn't be written in real time.
Sorry that I honestly couldn't capture the feeling of wonder I felt when I first saw my dad play the game when I was nine years old. I'm also sorry that I honestly couldn't capture the feeling of grandeur I felt when I first played it myself when I was fourteen years old. I also apologize for not mentioning anything about the great '80s songs I listened to on my iPod as I played the game, such as "Oblivious" by Aztec Camera, "Behind the Wall of Sleep" by The Smithereens, "Madonna of the Wasps" by Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians, "The Cutter" by Echo & the Bunnymen, "24 Hour Party People" by Happy Mondays, "A Pair of Brown Eyes" by The Pogues, "Mirror in the Bathroom" by The English Beat, "Freak Scene" by Dinosaur Jr, "Back in Flesh" by Wall of Voodoo, "Cattle and Cane" by The Go-Betweens, "Fa Cé-La" by The Feelies, "We Care A Lot" by Faith No More, "Stigmata" by Ministry, "Senses Working Overtime" by XTC, "Lake of Fire" by The Meat Puppets, "Wardance" by Killing Joke, "Don't Want to Know If You're Lonely" by Hüsker Dü, "When Love Breaks Down" by Prefab Sprout, "Kundalini Express" by Love & Rockets, "Monkey Gone to Heaven" by the Pixies, "Uncertain Smile" by the The, "Bela Lugosi's Dead" by Bauhaus, "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction, "World Shut Your Mouth" by Julian Cope, "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies, "Running Up That Hill" by Kate Bush, "Take the Skinheads Bowling" by Camper van Beethoven, "Under the Milky Way" by the Church, "Going Underground" by the Jam, "I Want You Back" by Hoodoo Gurus, "That's When I Reach for My Revolver" by Mission of Burma, "Tell Me When It's Over" by Dream Syndicate, "I Look Around" by Rain Parade, "The Mercy Seat" by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, and especially "Swamp Thing" by The Chameleons. Did you write all that down, no? Oh forget about it, you can find at a store somewhere. It's from a compilation album called Left of the Dial: Dispatches from the '80s Underground. Check it out, for sure. It's worth every dime.
But never forget about Final Fantasy I, the greatest game known to all mankind. Seriously, if Final Fantasy I was a woman, I would've dumped Lucille right away instead of having her dump me, slowly and painfully after drifting apart in our own separate ways. Actually, whilst playing Final Fantasy I, I've noticed that I've grown a respect for the Japanese culture, a culture built on dignity, honor and simplicity. If I don't find another girl, I just might marry some Japanese woman, because a mail-order bride from Japan is probably better than a mail-order bride from Kyrgyzstan.
Tragically, though, even the greatest game known to all mankind has to end. I guess there’s nothing left for you to do but rob Mick Jagger carry on with your regular life, maybe read a few good books or two, particularly something by Leon Uris, and just assume everything was for the best. I got to admit, conquering this game has given me real courage (it probably will if you play it yourself too).
But God, I still miss Astos, just like I miss watching Canadian Rules Football games on Channel 42.
AND SPEAKING OF WHICH, THIS GOD-AWFUL NARRATIVE IS JUST ABOUT OVER!
But don't worry. There just might be room for a sequel.
I'll write a sequel, once I get Final Fantasy II from someplace other than Amazon.
That's all. I'll just wrap this up with a quote explaining how Final Fantasy I changed my life.
“Those Icelanders sure are good at speaking English.”
Whoops, wrong quote. A-ha! Here's the right one!
“It's the welcoming blue glow that has formed the light in many a troubled adolescent's life.”
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