Final Fantasy XV
|Final Fantasy XV|
The totally straight gang.
|Platform(s)||PC, PS4, Xbox1|
|Would Jacques Derrida play it?||If paid|
Final Fantasy XV is an action game developed and published by
Nintendo Eggskwer Ihneks. It innovates with new, fresh elements, such as weird, long, Latin names, freaky outfits, getting ass groped, fishing, cooking, taking photos and not learning any survival skills.
Upon release in 2016, FFXV won the 1st prize in the Drama category, thanks to its protagonist crying in 9,999 scenes in total, in part due to his obsession with his
bully bodyguard, who's named after a flower (because of his scent, maybe?). The game was praised for its combat style, which lacked an ATB bar, and the freedom to explore the open world by riding a car, which lacked decent music to listen to. Players could also make camps and see the photos their NPC friend took (in 240p quality), usually in a funny angle or while running.
The game had mixed reception due to it not being FFXIII-versus
and not featuring Cloud Lightning and the fact that everyone dies.
The game revolves around
Dalmasca's Lucis' Prince, Noctis Lucis Caelum, which translates into Night Light Sky, respectively, which at the same time can be compressed into Bruce Wayne. So Batman Noctis is a prince who is about to get laid going to marry the day after with the bimbo princess of Spira Tenebrae, Lunafreya Nox Fleuret, which means Moon Venus Night Foil, which can also be compressed into Anne Hathaway. So Noct and his fellas get drunk in the royal bar and have the great idea of going to the wedding on another continent on the other side of the world by car, which they do. After crashing it in a gas station and running over 6 people the gang gets sober and realizes its too late to go back to the palace, so the groom has to go to his own wedding wearing jeans.
While the car gets repaired in a rusty garage Noct and the others decide it is best to run around the desert nearby while doing fetch quests. After 20 side quests and dusk taking place the car is repaired and the gang travels the remaining 2 miles to the pier, only to discover that no ships are sailing that night. A stranger (named Ardyn) suggests they make a camp nearby and sleep together and they reluctantly agree, sleep, have sex, wake up, have breakfast, drink some booze and drive to no man's land. Upon arriving they realize they've been fooled and they have to make their way through eidolons, Pokémons, feminists, Gilgamesh and some soldiers. Oh, and the paperboy arrives just in time so that they can read that Lucis has been taken by straight Tenebrae soldiers, who have also killed the King, Noct's old man. They all cry and after some angsty tantrums and whining hard, and the Prince not being crowned, the gang goes through a black hole and appears at a Chocobo Farm near Midgar. Luna's dog handles a letter to Noct demanding that she gets boned properly that night.
After running over 9,999 soldiers
for super effective damage the car stops working and the gang has to go to Altissia by boat. An emotional speech takes place in the pier, where everyone smiles, cries, hugs and laughs again only to be arrested minutes later because the old man had driven the boat without license. Once in Altissia
Aerith Luna gives another emotional speech, during which no one cries, everyone gets bored, Superman appears, she gets kidnapped and everyone applauds. In the meantime Noct meets with Altissia's governor, Hillary Clinton, to arrange a deal to free Luna but she says that the only way she'll agree to do so is by destroying the Republican party first. Noct agrees and goes undercover by 'SexyAssassin007', but Trump, being a fantard, discovers this first and stabs Luna Sephiroth style before he can use a Phoenix Down save the game save her. In the meantime his friends are getting drunk when Ignis gets in a bar fight and, while he kills his attacker, he gets blind in return. After crying, whining and some moaning the gang gets out of Altissia and vote for the Green Party on their way out.
In desperate need of help they get on a train to Christmas Town to see Santa, but Ardyn has his girlfriend freeze the train, who also happens to be Shiva. Noct puts the air conditioner at 100ºF and she swears revenge as she melts away. Meanwhile Ardyn gets on top of the train, Noct follows him, and they both find Prompto as he was secretly performing one of his favorite 'Mamma mia!'s biggest hits. Noct gets mad for having his role stolen and pushes Prompto off the train, and Ardyn stands there like 'WTF? I thought he was your friend?'
Once in Christmas Town the party discovers that Santa was actually Prompto in
a red coat when he was younger, and that the elves patrolling it are actually
Pokémon espers manufactured by some big ass clown. After crashing their car, being separated, fighting, being reunited, catching finding Prompto and more fighting, Noct leaves his group behind and goes towards the light. Doing so results in him being trapped in a Kinder Surprise for the next 10 years, years he'd spend eating the only thing left inside (chocolate), which would turn him into a monstrosity later.
By year 2026
a new sequel is announced chubby Noctis hatches from the egg and the officer guarding it has a heart attack upon looking to his rape face. Noctis finds out it is permanent night time because he's now in Gotham. After a quick human snack Noct proceeds to roll over a van, instantly killing the driver, and realizes he can just roll all the way down to Cindy's. After doing it and crushing Cindy's family and Gladiolus' sister, the gang reunites again, but agrees to hire a personal trainer for Noctis to get to his older skinny self. To get motivated Noct asks Prompto for one of his high-res photos of Cindy. Once skinny they all head to Ardyn's house and blow it to pieces, but unfortunately the ceiling falls on them and they all die. Noct carries Cindy's pic to fap in the lifestream and Luna says she's getting divorced. THE END.
The main characters of this sexual fantasy game are:
- Noctis: A prince whose initial motivation is to get married, ultimately having to go to the afterlife in order to do so because the developers thought it would be awesome. He's the typical emo royal chap who enjoyed attending a normal high school and bullying chubby ones as a teenager, and crying when no one or everyone looked and fishing as a twenager. Every girl in the game has a crush on him and cries and begs and moans to stay with him for longer, though it is later revealed this is because of Noct's deodorant. He can use any kind of weapon you can buy or imagine. Oh, and he's besties with that guy he bullied before.
- Prompto: An average pussy who has a crush on Cindy. He's Noct's sensitive, scaredy cat friend who has no trouble screaming and then using giant guns when those scary monsters appear. His hobbies include taking nudes of Cindy and groping Noct's ass. He spends 10 years trying to tell Cindy about his feelings only to discover she was a
- Gladiolus: He's Noct's bodyguard, but acts more like his
personal trainerpimp. His hobbies include not showing others how to survive, camping, drinking booze, yelling at Noctis and leaving the gang to get laid. Also enjoys chopping people in half with greatswords in his free time.
- Ignis: Known for wearing glasses even in his sleep. He knows how to cook, how to use daggers Elektra style and how to get blind but still look cool, or how to cook while still being blind, or how to make the chicken dance while still being a smartass. Secretly has a sex doll hidden in the car, hence he loves the 'Regalia' so much.
- Cindy: A former pornstar, she now gives free boners to men and cheap makeovers to cars. Likes mythrils and transformers alike, but takes a great pleasure in getting dirty while cleaning cars at 120ºF in the desert. Has had plastic surgery 15 times already.
- Iris: Gladiolus' sister. She's an underage girl whose only purpose in this game is to
trollmake Noctis uncomfortable. She accomplishes so by giving him unwanted blowjobscity tours, unwanted gifts and, 10 years later, unwanted calls.
- Luna: Noct's fiancé, she's a blonde girl who likes running into trouble, appearing in the Fox news and getting leprosy from summoning stuff. She's very important to everyone but for some reason everyone cares more about her dress and not about her not having a bodyguard or anything. Anyways, her sole purpose is to give Noct a ring but she fails at it and dies and everyone mourns her forever after because---HEY LOOK AT HER DRESS IT WAS SO PRETTY!!!
- Ardyn: The first King of Lucis, he was diagnosed zombie breast cancer like milennia ago and now goes around the world wiping out people with the booby squad. His hobbies include mocking Luna's big bro, making royal homies and eclipsing the Sun.
- Ravus: It's really Cid from FFXIII, folks. But anyways, he is Luna's big bro and is a vital character because he's there to...uhm...to what again?
- Aranea: After Lightning not returning from the last game, Square Enix thought this girl would make for an awesome
enemy party memberNPC.
- Iedolas Eidolon Aldercapt Al Gore Magikarpt:
the pope from FFXIIIAn octogenary king who has to wear diapers and is merely a plot device. Ardyn promises him there's free candyoxygen tanks in the van and when the old man gets in Ardyn turns him into a Reaper.
- Jecht: Noct's old man, wears a giant sword to smash the bad guys and likes getting new tattooes. Also likes wearing headbands and dying hard.
- Balthier: The leading man. Who else could be?
- Kefka: A clown in a man's body, going by the name of Verstael. His hobby consists in manufacturing espers and watching normal people fart. Also has a fetish with underage blonde girls.
Many gamers mistook
Vincent Noctis for an emo Cloud at first, but later praised Noctis by his nurtured royal background as a spoiled brat and not being the pansiest character of the gang, as that title was ultimately taken over by Prompto (who revealed he had been a Snorlax once). The girlfans really fell for him Gladiolus, mainly due to his inability to put a shirt on. Ignis was seen as the intelectual one by many, mainly because of his glasses and the fact that he had the most useful ability out of the four (not dying from hunger). While many haters said they wouldn't even play the game, because it wasn't up to their expectations, Prompto's ability to get sneaky pictures of Cindy in the shower ultimately made them praise the game for its 'complex and detailed HD graphics'.