Mass Effect 3

Mass Effect 3
Mass Effect 3: Oh fuck!://Rapeage
Developer(s)	BioWare
Genre	Space-Adventure/Softcore Porn
Platform(s)	All/None
Port	Negative ghost rider, the pattern is full.
Rating	+/-i
Would Carlos Mencia play it?	You are god.

Mass Effect 3, the sequel to Mass Effect 2: Booty Call, is an action-role-playing-sci-fi-space-commando game/softcore interactive pornography developed by BioWare. Players assume control of the god-like figure known as Commander Shepard. As an incredibly skilled N7 Spec-Ops marine, highly influential figure in galactic politics, and demi-god, your duty is to protect the galaxy, ensure peace among all sentient life, and to grab a quick piece of ass along the way.

Shit, n' stuff...

Mass Effect 3 forged ahead where Mass Effect 2 started, giving even more weapons (all of them either vastly over-powered, or completely useless!), more armor, and even more authority to abuse the hell out of.

In addition to being able to customize facial features, back-story, and character-class, you can now carry any and every weapon in the game, regardless of what class you chose to play, and suffer nothing more than a penalty in recharge time for your magic biotic/tech powers, which are pretty ineffective anyway. As you can imagine, this tends to make even the weakest characters into what are essentially human-tanks, wading through enemy fire that would destroy anything this side of a Geth Dreadnought, and possessing the firepower to kill virtually all enemies in the game with a single poorly-aimed shot that may or may not even hit the intended target.

Additionally, weapon modification returns, with the ability to make your guns lighter in weight (entirely useless), or increase their accuracy, magazine capacity, or their accuracy. Statistics indicate that 50% of all weapon upgrades increase weapon accuracy by 100%, 100% of the time, with a margin of error that is best described as incomprehensibly large.

Paragon and Renegade points remain essentially the same. You can still chose to be the ultimate puss, and be a 'hero', which some say lets you more easily accomplish key objectives, and work your way into peoples' pants (which is the primary-ultimate objective!). Or you can be a bad-ass and intimidate your way throughout the galaxy, earning much hatred, resentment, and hatred, but also a fearful and cowardly respect for your fearsome wrath.

Story-mode!

“You mean I have to save this stupid thing again? Fucking hell. I save it once, and get blown up. Save it again, and get court martialed. Whats next, am I going to be killed in an illogical and hollow manner completely unnecessary to the story? Fucking Reapers....”

~ Shepard on The Universe

“By the way, we're switching sides again... Just a heads up.”

~ The Illusive Man on Cerberus

“Gettin' real sick of your shit, TIM. Reapers are highly motivated, and you're bailing on us? Not cool.”

~ Shepard on Side Switching/TIM's shit.

“We've actually never been all that clear on our motivation. We just sort of do our thing, since, you know, its central to the plot of the game. Really, we've never been anything more than an ambiguous, and aggressively-vague plot-point”

~ Reapers on Reapers

Once upon a time

The story opens with Commander Shepard either on trial for saving the Galaxy, or for blowing up an entire planet, depending on if players played purchased an optional DLC pack. In either case, most agree that the opening is complete shit.... anyway, back on topic. The top leaders of the Human Alliance military are freaking the fuck out, because the Reapers have returned, and are about to tear the living hell out of their fleets. Shepard essentially tells them that they should have listened to him earlier, and that they're pretty much boned unless they put all their hopes in him/her. While this would be the best strategic move possible, given Shepard's god-like capability, and rapport with the various useful/sexy species in the Galaxy, Shepard still gets some bonus points in the gaming community for making it appear as though he/she is pressuring the Alliance into a move that would be beneficial for all parties involved. What a bad-ass....

Anyway, immediately after that, Reapers appear out of light-speed slip-space, fuck it... The Reapers, in a tactically brilliant move, decide to go around/through the Human defenses, using mass-effect fields to go faster than light, and appear right next to Earth, which they then proceed to gang-rape. Zee lazzer is fired, a window blows up, the big desk flips, and only Shepard and Admiral Anderson are left alive. The two then carve a path through the invading Reapers, and Shepard appears to have a hallucination.

Shepard escapes on the Millennium Normandy, and heads to Mars, where he/she beats the crap out of some Cerberus guys, and finds plans for an Iraqi Prothean weapon of mass destruction. But TIM, having side-switched like an ass-face again, tries to stop our hero. Using an AI-controlled robot, he tries to download the plans. Shepard and the gang then chase it up to the landing pad, where it hops in a shuttle and seemingly escapes. Luckily, his ex-guard/pilot is in the middle of making a shit landing, and crashes into the enemy shuttle... YAY!!! Shepard then puts a bullet in the robot's head, and takes the plans. Also you met Liara about 5 minutes into the mission, so, be aware of this fact, I guess. Oh, also Ashley/Kaiden is critically wounded.... who cares?

As the Human fleets are busy trying not to get blown up, Shepard takes the plans to the Citadel, so that he can acquire the help of the Council species. Also, there's probably something about seeking medical attention for Ashley/Kaiden.... again, who cares? Anyway, as soon as you land, you get a pretty heavy hint that you should go visit your wounded crewmember. You either grudgingly decide to go to the hospital before informing the Council that the war may in fact be winnable. Or you can decide that, given the current state of things, military matters take precedence over personal matters, and do something sensible for a change. In either case, the same shit happens. After going to the council, you’re forced to listen to the Asari and Salarians say that, despite the fact that neither of their homeworlds are under attack, they won’t be sparing even a single pistol to help you, or the Turians, who are also in the middle of the shit pile. Eventually you get a chance to present your plan, and everyone tells you they don't have enough time, money, resources, or strippers to complete the weapon.

End of the Beginning

Our fun-loving hero is asked/ordered to go directly to Palavan, overstepping the Council, to get the Turians to save Humanity's bacon. Unfortunately, the Reapers are already in the middle of an orgy with the Turian Navy, and are attempting to seduce some Turians on an unnamed moon. Shepard, needing those Turians to help Earth, will have none of it. Utilizing his/her god(dess)-like wrath, Shepard single-handedly decimates all that come before him/her, and he or she saves everyone on the moon, and is reunited with his and/or her main-man, the assassin-soldier and designated bad-ass, Garrus Vakarian. They also take some old Turian guy with them; some unimportant crap about him being Primarch, which is the head of the Turian military or something.

There is a war council or something with the Turians, Salarians (represented by “the Dalatrass”, which is a bit like their queen, apparently), and Krogan. The Asari are too busy fucking each other to show up. The Turian Primarch wants Krogan soldiers to help save his home world, the Krogan (represented by Urdnot Wrex, unless you fucked up in the first game) want a cure for the disastrous infertility inflicted on them by a joint Turian-Salarian bio-weapon, and the Salarian Dalatrass wants the Krogan to eat a bag of dicks and die. Shepard can either tell the Wrex to go rot, or side with him, in which case the Turian Primarch also tells the Salarian Dalatrass to shove it up her ass. Considering the Salarians have never been depicted as even somewhat competent soldiers, and have a shit-ass military, and you will literally give up the help of two species for them, the only intelligent move is to take a shit on their heads. Not even joking, the Salarians are virtually worthless in this game, despite the fact that their navy supposedly uses some of the most advanced equipment in the Galaxy. On the bright side, they apparently taste amazing lightly fried in butter.

To secure both the Turian and Krogan help, you essentially just have to cure the bio-weapon (known as the geneophage), with the help of an old Salarian friend who grew a sense of morality, Mordin Solus. You go pick up a Krogan female from the Salarian homeworld. Apparently they captured a few specimens from Maelon’s research in Mass Effect 2: Booty Call. Cerberus is some how able to attack the Salarian STG facility on their own homeworld, somehow without the Salarian military even detecting their apparently sizable force, and attempts to ninja-fuck the gang. You escape with the female, go back to your ship, and wait for some plot devices.

Once you reach the big mission (indicated by being labeled with a “Priority:*planet name*”), the Dalatrass tries to convince you to trick the Krogan, and pretend to cure the Geneophage. Common sense immediately tells you this is a shit-tastic idea, and that there will be major repercussions from your actions. However, it turns out the crazy bitch was right… at least under limited circumstances. There IS an option to trick the Krogan, and not really cure the Genophage, but must be executed perfectly in order to avoid having it blow up in your face. To do this, you must have killed Wrex in Mass Effect, resulting in his mentally handicapped younger brother, Wreave, taking charge. However, if you did not fuck up in the first game, and Wrex is still in charge, you will be raped and beaten for your actions. Additionally, you will lose all Krogan support if Wrex is in charge. And because the Turian's support hinges on the Krogan support, you fuck yourself twice that way. So if you kept your friend Wrex, don't be a dick. But assuming you didn't fuck up, and you don’t be a dick, how much help you get will depend on how precognizant you were in previous games. Mordin will die, unless you killed Wrex in ep 1, AND got rid of the genophage cure in ep 2 AND decide to screw over the Krogan in ep 3. So there's that.

Oh, also there were some side missions about the Rachnni, a Turian squad and a bomb, and Grunt made a bad-ass appearance, and you found some kick-ass weapons lying around. Fuck yeah...

A Mediocre Middle

Anyway, you're carted off to the Citadel to pick up some intel a plot device. Cerberus has attacked the Citadel, and you have to retake C-sec HQ, so they can't keep all the space-police from responding. The Salarian councilor is in C-sec HQ for some reason, and you have to rescue her. A Cerberus dickwad assassin shows up to kill her, but Thane Krios makes a timely arrival, and saves the day, at the cost of taking a sword through the abdomen. You chase down the assassin who is now after the rest of the Council, who are under guard by Ashley or Kaiden, depending. Realizing that the council is totally boned if the Assassin makes it first, you sprint off. You do an elevator chase scene, arrive first, and find out Udina is trying to fuck you over. He tells the council you're a traitor, and Ashley/Kaiden pulls a gun on you. You can either shoot Ash-den, talk them down, or threaten to smash their teeth in; all result in Udina not getting his way, and Shep putting a bullet in him. Again, fuck yeah....

After piling up all the corpses from the attack, Shepard decides to visit Thane in the Hospital. His dick son, Kolyat, is also there. But apparently the kid got over his teenage angst, and grew some respect for other people since you last saw him. Thane asks you to pray for him, at the conclusion of which he dies. His son reveals that Thane was actually a Satanist, and thus does not pray, and that the prayer was actually for you! Apparently he thought you would appreciate the sentiment. This either hits you in the feel and you sadly walk out of the hospital, or pisses you off, resulting in you storming from the room in silent fury, depending on how the player roleplays Shepard to feel.

As the war progresses, and everyone keeps losing, the Asari and the Salarians come crawling to you for help, and spread their legs in a sign of submission. Although they are the two weakest major species in the galaxy, in terms of military strength, every little bit helps is damn well needed.

Eventually, Shepard goes to help the Quarians, and meets up the sexy and alluring Tali Zora vas Neema, unless they made a massive cock-up of things in the home stretch of Mass Effect 2, in which case the player might as well cease any and all efforts to assist the Quarians in any manner, and instead aid the Geth wherever an opportunity presents itself, up to and including high-treason. But assuming the player didn't put absolutely zero effort into keeping their team alive and un-banished in the previous game, and Shepard is a big enough Hero or Badass (i.e., Paragon or Renegade), then you can both get the Quarians to help save earth, and get the Geth to help save earth and not wage war against all organic life. As a perk, Tali wants man-Shepard's dick, unless the player is completely inept, or possesses a vagina.

Anyway, the premise is that the Quarians are attempting to retake their home world, and the Geth are under reaper control. The Geth have a big-ass dreadnought about 2/3rds the size of full-grown reaper, its transmitting a reaper control signal, and its kicking the Quarians' asses. Shep infiltrates the ship, meets Legion (once again, unless you completely fucked up, and either didn't reactivate him, or let him die, in which case you meet "Geth VI", which is essentially Legion, but not Legion), and blows the damn thing up. The Geth are now slightly shittier, but still giving the Quarians a rough time of it. You then have to go down to the planet, and rescue a Quarian admiral against his will, destroy a fighter base, and blow up a secondary transmitter, which turns out to be a Reaper destroyer. Anyway, after you blow it up, you meet up with Legion/"Geth VI" and Tali/fake-Tali for the big decision. Legion has apparently saved some of the Reaper code, and can upgrade the Geth without enslaving them; the implications of this are obvious. Your choice is to save the Geth, or save the Quarians, or do both (if you're not inept, and have enough Hero or Badass tokens saved up). If you pick the Quarians, Legion goes ape-shit, tries to choke you, and gets gunned down by Tali. If you pick the Geth, you are forced to listen to the sound of the extermination of an entire species, and Tali jumps off a cliff. Unfortunately, in order to transmit the signal to the Geth, Legion must die. If you save them both, there's a forced, awkward-feeling cut-scene of Tali feeling bad about Legion, and the Geth trying to be polite.

As a result of Shepard's charisma, leadership, and downright badassery, all the major races in the Galaxy are distracted from their own problems or have been “dealt with”, and are willing to drop everything to help the Humans retake their own homeworld, Dirt Heap 184C (i.e. Earth). However, you find out you need something called the catalyst for your WMD, the search for which occupies the rest of your time.

The Home Stretch

Some intel A plot device is handed to you in the form of a meeting with the Asari Councilor. She thinks she can help, and you are ordered to their homeworld of Thessia. It appears the Asari are keeping a dirty little secret.....You land on Thessia, right in the middle of a Reaper gang-rape, and are told to fight your way through to a temple. You make it there at the cost of many Asari lives, and find out that they had been hiding a Prothean beacon, which explains why they were the most advanced species in the galaxy. Everyone but mandatory squadmate Liara are mildly pissed at this. The Prothean VI "Vendetta" appears, and you have to yell at him to tell you what the catalyst is. Cerberus shows up, interrupts, and fucks you over, resulting in you losing the location of the catalyst. And apparently Thessia falls because of this, and not the horde of pissed off Reapers attacking it. Anyway, you hear a sad radio call from a squad you met earlier, violin music plays (not even joking), and you look as a bunch of Reapers land in front of a picturesque background of Thessia burning at sunset, and the radio screams in your ear. Big cow eyes are seen, and Shepard apparently blames him/herself for it. In either case, the Asari are fairly boned, and Cerberus is going down.

You follow them to the human colony Horizon, the world you met Ashley/Kaiden on in Mass Effect 2, only now its gotten a lot bigger. Apparently its a big refugee destination, and there's even a big refugee-recruitment station run by Cerberus. You land, find out that its just a big laboratory for human vivisections and fucked up experiments to try and control the Reapers. Apparently this has been of some success, because the Reapers are there, and not happy. You fight your way through, save Miranda's sister and also maybe Miranda herself, depending on how things play out.

Finally the intelligence department for the inter-species sex party alliance that you have painstakingly built will locate the main Cerberus base, and Shepard will be asked to give the green-light. The player is warned that the joint Iraqi-Prothean WMD will be left defenseless during the attack, which heavily hints that this mission will be the point of no return, and lead to the final orgy... I mean mission. And speaking of orgies and things of that nature, it at this time that your love-interest decides to come up to your cabin for some "I might be dead in a few hours" sex. It was either magical, or it didn't happen at all.

Upon receiving the order, the Alliance Navy will proceed to shove its collective dick up the base's wazu. Shepard and company board the base, and proceed to power-level their way through a hole they tore in the base's wall using a rocket-fighter. After much slaughter of Cerberus lemmings, and excessive grenade spamming by all parties, Shepard and the team "penetrate" the base's main defenses. They eventually enter a tech laboratory, where Shepard can view video diary entries about him-herself and the he-she's "selected" team members (EDI will always be one of them). After watching his/her own video, Shepard has a mild existential crisis which ends when his team members tell him to quit being such a pussy. After making their way to the top of the base (not the safest place to be during a bombardment by several thousand fully-armed warships), they will sit in TIM's chair, which royally pisses him off, resulting in a rant from TIM's holographic telephone. A little later, an ex-N7-Marine-turned-terrorist-assassin named (Chiang) Kai-ShekLang will attack you with a sword, and you will have to fight him and another wave of Cerberus lemmings. It is recommended by most players that you carry a powerful snipper-riffle for this mission, and no other weapon. Assault rifles and shotguns are to be avoided like a Krogan hooker with the Clap. After killing Kai-Lang, you will learn that the final component for the super weapon is actually that stupid, big-ass space-station/mega-city colloquially referred to as The Citadel, which you've been forced to visit no less than 26 times during the course of this one game alone (at minimum, and certainly not fewer than 83 times over the course of the entire series).

As foreshadowed by Admiral Hacksaw Hackett, the Reapers attacked the Citadel while your forces were busy grinding Cerberus into oblivion, and towed it into orbit around Earth. At this point, it may dawn on the player that building their alliance was actually counter-productive for the most part, as the WMD could have been built without raising a massive and highly conspicuous army, and that weapon, called the Crucible, could have been used from anywhere near any Mass Relay at any point in the Galaxy. Especially annoying is that the only reason the Citadel was moved was because the Reapers saw the Alliance as a threat. If followed through to its logical conclusion, this line of thought will also lead the player to wonder why the hell the plan was to retake Earth from the beginning, when doing so was unnecessary for the use of the Crucible.

The Orgasmic Finish

The giant horde that is the alliance’s Navy enters the Sol System, and swarms towards Earth. While they engage the Reaper forces, ground teams attempt to land near London. However, the team that was supposed to destroy a battery of anti-aircraft guns ends up being shot down by anti-aircraft guns. Ironic.... Shepard is then forced to take care of it, and is distressed when the team's shuttle is shot down, and the pilot is killed if you've been an oblivious, self-centered ass throughout the game. They then blow up the AA cannon with a smaller, but still more powerful cannon. After arriving at the rally point, they realize that only around half of the strike-team survived the AA guns, due to the AA guns shooting down the team assigned to destroy the AA guns. Ignoring their poor planning, the decide to just go ahead with the plan, which is just to fight their way to a giant anti-gravity beam, which will take them to the Citadel orbiting the Earth, where they can use it to activate the Crucible. Unfortunately, a Reaper destroyer (which is supposedly cannon fodder for even a human cruiser, yet they can't spare one damn ship to provide ground support) tries to get in the middle of things, and Shepard is forced to launch a missile up its asshole. While en route to the beam, Shepard's teammates get evacuated on board the Normandy (something about one of them taking a bullet, and a truck landing on them or something. Coulda just walked it off), and Shepard takes a lazer to the face in the final assault. Somehow surviving, he/she then walks slowly to the beam and enters the citadel, where (s)he becomes confused as to why the place is such a shit-pile.

Shepard and Admiral Anderson (who apparently also survived the lazers, and followed Shepard up at some point in time, yet still manages to get ahead) encounter TIM, who is revealed to be under the control of the Reapers, and is completely bat-shit insane. Through a series of dialogue, Shepard can either guilt trip TIM into committing suicide, or put a bullet in him when he attempts to kill Admiral Anderson or some such shit. In either case, Admiral Anderson is shot, and bleeds out shortly after opening the Citadel for "docking" with the Crucible. Annoyingly, the damn thing doesn't even work. Shepard then enters the top level of the Citadel to do some troubleshooting, and submit a help ticket. Upon arrival, he/she meets some punk-ass AI who is apparently controlling the Reapers. The AI says that the Reapers were a solution to a problem with organic life destroying itself (the solution being to kill organic life, apparently...), but then says the solution is no longer working. For some reason though, he does not make the Reapers stop attacking.

In an annoying series of dialog with the damn AI thingy, Shepard is presented with a series of choices, all but one of which leads to a shitty death. Shep can either destroy the reapers, which results in the crucible exploding and killing him apparently (unless the player is the world's most bad-ass hero in existence, in which case s/he is revealed to survive in post-game cut scenes). Also, it appears that TIM, as insane as he was, turned out to be correct. The Reapers can in fact be controlled. However, this ends up with him/her getting vaporized by high-voltage electricity. Alternately, s/he can jump into the energy beam, which has the unfortunate side effect of disintegrating him/her. But the AI says this will simultaneously merge all organic and synthetic life into some new form of abomination that looks to be very awkward, and probably makes biological reproduction impossible, thus taking all the fun out of the Galaxy. Or finally, Shepard has the choice of doing nothing, and letting the Reapers harvest all sentient life in the Galaxy.

As this game revolves around getting laid, and getting others laid, clearly the last two options are entirely out of the question. However, the only option that will let Shepard even MAYBE survive is to destroy the Reapers, along with all other synthetic life in the Galaxy, including the Geth and EDI. But as we all know, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. The Geth won't care, as they will be dead, and Joker will just have to get over EDI. It was the right choice....

Gameplay

The gameplay is highly similar to the others for individual missions; it mainly revolves around ordering your squad to attack, while you cower behind cover, and occasionally peek out to fire the weapon mistakenly placed in your hands. The cover system is improved, so you're even harder to shoot, and you can more quickly jump behind a rock in case an enemy appears within a half mile radius. But the developers, knowing the players all too well, thought ahead. You can also vault over low cover, allowing you to flee even faster.

Your magical biotic powers remain functionally unchanged, although there is some updated visualizations. Adepts and Engineers are still useless in fights, Sentinels are still vaguely underwhelming, and once again the best combination of attributes are reserved for the Soldiers, Vanguards, and Infiltrators. However, they did add a bunch of new grenades with some cool effects, armor augmentation, and each class got a new heavy melee.

The biggest addition is the new War Assets system, used to determine just how shitty your ending will be (for they are all shit). You get more war assets by doing missions well, and not being a dick to people, and by exploring the galaxy, and scanning planets. Accompanying war assets, is the "galactic readiness", which is a scale anywhere from 50-100%, and acts as a force multiplier to your war assets. It is raised by playing multiplayer. Essentially, if you don't play multiplayer, you only get half the reward for all the work you've done.

Another new addition is that the entire gameplay dynamics change right before the final mission. At this point, players may find will notice that they lack sufficient war assets to complete the final mission, and not turn the Earth into a giant flaming marshmallow in the process. Whereas before, gameplay focused on trying to explore the galaxy, find new guns, and get to the ending as soon as possible, now the focus is on scrambling to scan each and every charted plant in the galaxy, desperately searching for hidden war assets to repair the damage you've caused with each and every decision, all of which have resulted in disaster for the forces you've carefully built up.

It should be noted that there are no good choices, only worse ones. Literally, its always a choice between one group of war assets, or another. No renegade decision does not result in everyone hating you too much to help, and all paragon decisions somehow get screwed up as well. That single mother of 12 you used a paragon move to choose not to shoot her the face for no reason? She would end up being elected to head of all military forces in the Galaxy, and would then be indoctrinated by the Reapers, and dismantle all of your ships, so the metal could be melted down, and turned into millions and millions of goddamn razor blades. Yeah, you're that fucked. In fact, one would be hard pressed to find even one single action in the entire series that didn't spectacularly blow up in your face.

But for those who purchased DLC, and paid for an online pass for multiplayer, they will eventually stagger across the finish line, barely scraping together enough war assets to get the "best" ending, which is still total shit. Those dedicated enough to fork over the extra cash will be rewarded by the Citadel blowing up (seemingly killing Shepard), Earth being saved (although its still a shit-pile from the reaper invasion, so "saved" is a relative term here), the Normandy trying to outrun zee lazer, crashing on an alien planet, and everyone looking hopefully into the sunset before fixing the ship and taking off. The scene flashes to Earth, and you see Shepard's chest plate in a pile of rubble, and then hear him/her inhale while the rubble stirs a little bit. Bioware ends things with a shitty narration from Admiral Hackett/Ghost-Shepard/Liara, depending on how badly you did.

Characters

• Commander Shepard- Without question, the greatest being to ever have existed. You have unlimited legal authority everywhere, and command vast amounts of respect for your prowess on the battlefield, and in bed. A passing glance can make any woman want you, and all men want to be you. Your charisma is such that passing strangers reveal their deepest secrets, and casual acquaintances would gladly take a bullet for you. Your exploits have made you legend throughout the galaxy. Savior of the Citadel, slayer of Reapers, Spectre-soldier, and risen-martyr. Your allies hail your coming as their salvation, and your enemies see it as their doom.

• Commander Shepard's space hamster- The greatest "Mass Effect" NPC ever. While he started as a comic relief character in the beginning of the game (the voice actor of SH was universally panned for this), through various interactions and heartfelt late night discussions, players can quickly get attached to said rodent. Unfortunately, his life was cut short at the end of the menu animation scene, as he sacrificed his life to the Reaper control so that commander Shepard and his friends would get a better TV reception. His memory lives on in both the hearts of the people who are obsessed with "Mass Effect" and people, who never even heard of said game.

• The Illusive Man- A man with seemingly unlimited power, and resources, he heads a militarized terrorist organization. He is known for having the best office view in the Galaxy, and having cool eyes. Not much is ever revealed about him as a person, but using his past actions, dialog, and common sense, it can be inferred that he had a pretty shitty childhood. It would be safe to assume that his father beat him regularly, and that his mother was most likely addicted to Heroin and prescription pharmaceuticals. One oddity peculiar to TIM is that he experiences periodic bouts of insanity. When you first encounter his organization, they’re performing human vivisections, experimenting with Rachnni soldiers, and fucking around with husks. Two years later, he’s regained sanity, and has began taking logical and effective action to help humanity. Six months after that, he’s back to his old shit.

• Grunt- Grown up now, Grunt leads what is basically a Krogan special operations unit. He is notable for having one of the most bad-ass cut scenes in the game.

• Samara- Samara's primary purpose is to comfort the player. Sort of like your mother, if she were blue, and could kill you with her mind. Or her gun. Or her bare hands. And was a MILF. She literally offers nothing in terms of story development.

• Jacob Taylor- Token black guy making a token appearance so Bioware doesn't come off as the racist pricks they actually are. He has no importance to the story what so ever, and is only in the game to serve as closure for FemSheps who chose him as their love interest.

Miranda is obviously an extremely deep, well thought out character.

• Miranda Lawson- After saving her sister, and quitting Cerberus, she apparently wandered her way into some deep shit. But being the "perfect" genetically-engineered stuck-up bitch that she is refuses to let you help out until the last minute, when she needs her (admittedly damn-fine) ass bailed out.

• Thane Krios- A terminally ill lizard-assassin, he offers to watch over AshDen after that incident on Mars. After taking a sword for the Salarian Councilor, you meet with him and his son in the Hospital. Praying on his deathbed, he gives you absolution.

• Jack- In the six month span you were on vacation, Jack put on *some* clothes, and became a teacher.

• Mordin Solus- Recognizing a chance for the Krogan, Mordin set in motion the events leading to the cure of the Genophage. In a selfless act, he sacrifices himself for the frog-monsters.

• Garrus Vakarian- Garrus is your best friend, your bro, your wingman, and your

• Legion- Legion has apparently been locked up on a Geth Dreadnought for six months. He helps kill a lot of his own people (presumably for fun), and ends up sacrificing himself to help the people he was trying to kill only minutes before.

• Tali'Zorah vas Neema - Assuming you didn't get her banished, Tali is now an Admiral of the Quarian Navy, and

• Kasumi Goto- Out of all the women on the ship you can bang, Kasumi is the coolest one. Aside from the fact you can't bang her, which inevitably led to multitudes of drooling fan boys writing thousands upon thousands of poorly written fanfics. Ans she is also the guinea pig for Bioware to show how hot Wapanese can be in a W-rpg and she always ends her sentence with a "desu" or "nyan".

• Joker- Sticks and stones may break his bones, but a punch will do the job just fine.

• EDI- An acronym for "Everyone Does Inhalants", EDI is basically your ship. The armor is her skin, the trash compactor is her rectum, the cannons are her eye beams, and you are her worms. She could replace the entire crew, including Joker, but enemy computers can't handle their mad skillz.

• Harbinger- An extreme control freak who for some reason has to remind you that his fireball kamehamehas hurt you. At the age of twelve, Harbinger developed severe lactose intolerance - "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!!!" - ALL HAIL THE HYPNOTOAD!

• Wrex- He is basically saving his planet (and therefore his species) by threatening to skull-fuck anyone who disagrees with him.

• Liara- Since losing Shepard, she has gone on to have an identity crisis and now thinks she's a combination of the CIA and her Mum. She spent two years hunting for your dead body because her dildo broke. But at the very least, she is, of course, totally immune to all forms of mind con- "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!!!"

• Ashley/Kaiden- After the first Mass Effect game, Ashley/Kaiden lost her/his personality and sense of logic.

• Council- Despite you saving their ass, saving everyone else's ass, being right about Saren, being right about an attack on the Citadel, killing anyone who tried to fuck you over, and killing some people for the hell of it, the Council continues to completely defy common sense. "Well of course there was a reason Sovereign latched on to the Citadel. They were, um, trying to . . . uh, well . . . you see, they were . . . . . . dismissed that claim. "