Data (Star Trek)

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Data laughing at you in his positronic brain. God you're so damn stupid.

“I never met that Data fellow, but Mark Twain did tell me he is "fully functional".”

~ Oscar Wilde on Data

“I met him in a dark ally in San Francisco, selling himself to any sailor that came through.”

~ Mark Twain on Data

Data is an android and a well known member of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God. He was created by Dr. Soong, North Korea colony's greatest VCR reverse engineer, based off the much more realistic sex robots confiscated from Harry Mudd. Data has had a long career in Starfleet and has served with distinction aboard the USS Enterprise where he has pretended to not to have a sense of humor for nineteen years so he can insult people to their face and get away with it. This is largely considered one of the greatest practical jokes ever. Data is super smart and super strong, and is frequently seen walking through the walls of buildings and ships like they were made out of Japanese rice paper. Unknown even to him, he is waiting for the right chance to kill Captain Picard; luckily his off switch, like all robots is just being presented with logical paradoxes.

Friendship with Mark Twain

Data and Mark Twain have been friends for a very long time. The pair first met when in 1894 Twain was looking for a prostitute to buy himself in San Francisco and coincidentally Data happened to be whoring himself for money. The two became fast friends and traveled across the world looking for the true meaning of life. The pair broke up when Twain realized that life was pointless and Data realized that he was immortal anyway. To this day Data does not get a little tear in his eye when talking about Twain, but deep inside his positronic brain he's weeping.

Data the Lover

Less sexy than it seems, the Borg queen's braces got stuck.

Unknown to many, some of whom are his friends, Data is one of the greatest Robo-dildos in history, thanks to his ability to rhythmically vibrate at super speeds. Programmed with "multiple techniques for a broad variety of pleasuring", Data is capable of engaging in BDSM; his three laws of robotics can be turned on and off through either a safe word or a set amount of cellular damage.