If You Know What I Mean

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“This article is bullcrap... if you know what I mean

~ Some guy on If You Know What I Mean

“Quite improper humor, but has a nice homoerotic touch to it...”

~ Oscar Wilde on If You Know What I Mean

Cute and harmless, or sexual innuendo? You decide.

If you know what I mean Or, if you catch my drift is a popular topic amongst the intellectual and humor-loving community. It has the power to change the meaning of a simple phrase into something completely different, and can be interpreted differently by different people depending on their personal traits, and state of mind.

For example, the common bath toy, known as the "Rubber duck" can be made into "I'll rubber your duck" Which implies smothering and impaling a duck with rubber. However, when "If you know what I mean " is added afterward, it implies that it is something sexual, thus making it extremely funny and smart-sounding. However, it is up to you to discover what "Rubber" and "duck" represent. (God, You and your sick, erotic fantasies!)


This is your psychiatrist. He knows what you mean, and he catches your drift. He just sits and smiles, nodding at everything you say, no matter how crazy it sounds. If you know what I mean.

Now we're going to talk about the possible meanings, if you know what i mean. There are different ways to determine what Rubber and duck represent. Usually, you just think of the most erotic and disturbing thing possible, and the rest is history. As an example, Rubber may represent the male genitals, Whilst the duck may represent female genitals. Which translates to, "I'll Male Genitals your Female Genitals," which translates to, "I'll preform some gross sexual act with my penis on to your vagina."

However, the "Rubber duck" is not alone. Here are some other nice, comedic innuendos that you can try if you have a sick mind.

  • I'll snow your flake
  • I'll read your book
  • I'll Bull your shit
  • I'll write your article
  • I'll wash your car Why, thank you!
  • Etc,Etc.

However, it doesn't have to be added just after sentences like these. You can add it basically after anything. anything. Even if it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's a great comedy act, no?

There are endless possibilities, and only you can spread them. If you know what I mean.

Bad Communication[edit]

I'll sexually arouse your unborn fetus, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right? RIGHT!?

Unfortunately, the not-so intellectual people may misunderstand "If you know what I mean," and the results can be disastrous. Here is an unfortunate example of an unfortunate event that may, unfortunately, happen. After you read this, you'll know what I mean, and you will catch my drift.

Intellectual Person : I'll credit your card, if you know what I mean.
Unsuspecting Victim: I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.
Intellectual Person: Shut up! I'm trying to pull off a sexual innuendo here!
Unsuspecting Victim: Well, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, and I don't know you, so I guess I'll get going.
Intellectual Person: But... Don't you want to let me credit your card?
Unsuspecting Victim: You should be ashamed of yourself! *slap*
Intellectual Person: Ah! So now you know what I mean!
Unsuspecting Victim: Yes I do! You're one of those cyborgs trying to steal my credit card! *slap*
Intellectual Person: ...

As you can see, it is not very pleasant to be misunderstood like this. Fortunately, you can always come out and just say something disturbing, but that would probably get you sent to hell, or federal prison, or both. To play it safe, just don't say anything to anybody at all, if you can do that without seeming emo.

There is also the misunderstanding which can be particularly fatal.

Intellectual Person: I'll do your work if you know what I mean.
Unsuspecting Victim: Why, you are so kind! Here, just take this shovel and-
Intellectual Person: What? I didn't really mean that I was going to do your work for you! It was a joke!
Unsuspecting Victim: Well, I'm not laughing.
Intellectual Person: That's because you just don't see my genius sense of humor. Why, putting "If you know what I mean" after every sentence makes me hilarious! I'm just smarter than you.
Unsuspecting Victim: You ruined my day.
Intellectual Person: Pity.
Unsuspecting Victim: I'm calling the cops.
Intellectual Person: HUH?

But you're smart right? You'll never end up like the unsuspecting victim, right? If anything, you'll be the victim. The intellectual people are always getting pushed around because of their genius brand of humor that nobody understands. PITY.


Has the jury reached a verdict? Yes your honor. We find the defendant guilty of all charges. If you catch my drift

Now that you have gone deep into this subject matter, it is now time to go deeper. If you know what I mean.

"If you know what I mean" can be traced back to 1938, when a certain Sir Adolf Hitler of Germany, the charitable leader of The Order of the Nazi Party made a decision that would effect the world for years to come: He would invade Poland. Not wanting to come in uninvited, he sent a letter to Polish president Ignacy Mościcki as to let him know of his forthcoming. Little did he know that it would be sprinkled with a future catchphrase.

Dear President Mościcki,
I am dreadfully sorry (well, not that sorry) to tell you this, but I am going to invade Poland, If you know what I mean. It will take place shortly after this hastily written letter has reached you. Please understand that we deserve your land more than you, and it is much better in our loving Aryan hands, if you know what I mean. Put your soldiers away, the gods tell me that we have won. It is time to sing a sad song, one to be heard by the angel of death, so that he may cradle you in his fragile arms to hell. If you catch my drift. SIEG HEIL! Once again, I'm invading Poland. If you catch the drift of my filthy soldiers,with the stink of a thousand lion's butts, head for the hills. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and good luck rotting in the fiery depths of hell, if you catch my drift.
Sincerely, your friend, Hitler.
PS. Please kill the Jews so that we don't have to. If you know what I mean.

Later, when the invasion had begun, a Polish woman caught the drift of a German soldier. She yelled out, "I caught their drift, I caught their drift!" and then was raped by said German soldier. Since then, it has implied a sexual innuendo, and it should also be a lesson that if you catch a German's drift, you will get raped, if you know what I mean.

It didn't rise again until the hippie movement, when Neo-Nazis re-discovered the phrase and used it as their anti-hippie slogan and a symbol of their glorious god, Hitler.

"Free Sex and drugs is for lazy Jews. If you know what I mean."

Since then, people have forgotten its Nazi heritage, and it has been picked up by extremely funny comedians, highly wealthy people, and everybody important to society. Therefore, it is incredibly hilarious, and not to laugh is a crime. If you think otherwise, you are obviously a flag-hating, humor-burning Communist.

So, does putting "If you know what I mean" after every Sentence make me Hilarious?[edit]

The answer is a resounding YES

You will be the funniest, wittiest, and most clever of them all. People will PAY to just hear you say, "If you know what I mean", if you catch my drift. You will become famous, a millionaire! No, a billionaire! You will be the greatest comedian on the face of the earth, if you know what I mean. Yes sirree, it is indeed something I suggest you do right at this moment instead of sitting around like the heaps of gold will come right to ya!

Won't people get annoyed by my redundancy?[edit]

Erk! You think you know everything? Geez, here I am handing out a perfect get rich quick scheme that actually WORKS, and you're trying to turn it down. Obviously there is an error in the communication here. I catch your drift, but you don't know what I mean when I say that I catch your drift when you don't know what I know what I mean but you don't. I might as well say, "I'll write your jokes," if you know what I mean But the problem is, you DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN! It's very tiresome, you know what I mean? Oh wait, you don't. Aww screw it, you're missing out, but if you don't want my help...

But how come no one else has got rich by saying it?[edit]

Do you know that for sure? Have you actually heard anybody say it, hm? You have? Well, they were losers. Double losers. If you catch my drift. They just weren't intellectual enough to spread the joke around the world. That's why they're not rich.

Plenty of people know how it feels to be rich just by adding "if you know what I mean" after every sentence. Like swearing after every sentence, it makes you funny. And Funny = Money. HarharHAR! I maed a pun! Isn't it so funny (hilarious) how I'm so right and you're so wrong, you know what I mean? It's like, I'm sitting here with my wads of cash in a mansion, while you're stuck in your middle class home with your unfunny self. Get a life. BE INTELLIGENT. BE FUNNY. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

But that one comedian said...[edit]


Middlefinger.jpg if you know what I mean, bitch...

You will laugh. now... If you know what I mean.

See Also[edit]