Silent Hill

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These are the friendly inhabitants of Silent Hill. Note the siamese twins at the top of the picture.


Silent Hill was founded in the year 33 B.C. by the Konami Corporation of Japan where it was ruled with an iron fist. In 334 A.D., a great famine pressured the citizens of Silent Hill to rebel against the oppressive Konami Corporation. Around 1243 A.D., Konami's rule vanished from Silent Hill due to the fact that Konami had more serious and interesting issues to deal with such as microtransactions and implementing subliminal propaganda into Japanese children's programming. The United States of America saw much potential in the developing Silent Hill and, after brutal wars with the United Kingdom and the Czech Republic, the town was admitted as part of the US around the year 1354. Not as a state, though. As a territory. Nobody wanted the Order voting for the president. In the year 1401 A.D., Eliza Kraig created a flag for Silent Hill that depicted her stance on the abortion issue. 5 months after it Eliza Kraig's flag became of the official flag of the state of Silent Hill, talk show host Oprah Winfrey called the government of Silent Hill saying she was greatly offended by the flag and it was later removed. In 1996, Silent Hill was named Tree City, USA. It is also known that Silent Hill is in fact not silent whatsoever and is no where near a hill. Further, it is a false advertisement and should be sued. In 1999, Silent Hill is covered by lethal amounts of smog due to pollution of cars, killing thousands, some survived.


Domestiv violence never occurs in Silent Hill. This man is merely "Mining for gold in his friend's back".

The town has a population of about 18,243 people, all of which roughly share the same opinions and stances on political issues. The citizens of Silent Hill are very liberal, almost communist. Jill Stein has made several visits to Silent Hill, all of which involved a new Kevin Costner water filter in Toluca Lake and occupation of former Native American burial grounds. The citizens of Silent Hill show their strong opposition to domestic violence by violently beating people who oppose their opposition to domestic violence. The people of Silent Hill settle disputes by not breathing for a period of time until one of them eventually dies. The winner is the one that died from the loss of breath. Luckily, not many people in Silent Hill have disputes because they for the most part share the same opinions and stances on political issues, so most of the time, they use this method usually when debating whether to order pizza or chinese food. However, stalking seems to be a major problem in the town since many women complain about a man who leaves them creepy love letters and a creepier barbie doll everywhere they go. A famous resident, Triangle Man, has a ongoing rivalry with Person Man. They fight and Triangle Man wins. Also, the painter H. R. Giger was inspired by the beautiful senery of Silent Hill to create his paintings.

For unknown reasons, whenever someone from out of town heads into Silent Hill, they always go on a murderous rampage, claiming that the people they killed were not, in fact, people, but rather, "Sexy nurses coming onto me with a pipe... I had a feeling they were gonna stick that pipe somewhere I don't want it to be." Sadly, what those people do not know is that the nurses were merely trying to fix the water works downstairs (one visitor complained that they nearly drowned in a blood-like substance in one room and seeing a mirror that has a bloody version of its reflection, touching it results in going to "Narnia"), and the strange, protruding thing from their backs were just part of the nurse costume. The hospital curator, Dr. Kaufmann, has realized that the costumes should probably be changed and fire Lisa Garland for encouraging a truck driver to have sex with her, but Lisa simply returned the favor by dragging Dr. Kaufmann to HELL !!, people also do not want to be helped by nurses with blood and melted surgical masks around their mouths. Some people also complains about the freakishly bottomless abyss in roads, making it difficult to go to some important landmarks, especially Rosewater Park.

Family life in Silent Hill also tends to be rather strained. Most parents in Silent Hill have a bad habit of dying, dying and turning into monsters, burning their kids in their own home, sacrificing their kids to awaken dark gods, sacrificing their kids to appease dark gods, sexually abusing them, encouraging said sexual abuse, or just abandon them the first chance they get. Some fathers in Silent Hill even have a gross habit of collecting umbilical cords of strange babies left in their apartments. Yuck.


An inhabitant of Silent Hill enjoying himself in the park

Silent Hill is famous for its nightclubs (Heaven's Night in particular), whose dancers always bear a striking resemblance to the patrons' wives (living or dead), only much sexier and they don't nag nearly as much. Unless, of course, you leave them alone in a hospital room, because then, oh man, are you in for it! It's a shame they keep getting stabbed and dying, though. This is okay, however, as it's essential for these Wife-Like dancers to continually die and resurrect as it's the ultimate way for guilty patrons (Most commonly those who kill their own wife) to realise their wrongs and finally accept the error of their ways.

Also of note is the popular date destination: "Pete's Bowl o' Rama", famous for its automated pizza making machine that ensures patrons will always have a fresh pie even if the entire town has been totally abandoned and over-run with demonic creations borne from the unconscious desires of the guilty. Note that you should not come across a little girl, or she'll call you a gutless fatso and lock you into a room filled with creatures that looks like H. R. Giger's secret stash.

While in Silent Hill you may want to check out the historical society, which celebrates the town's rich history of ritual executions, unexplained nautical deaths, bizarre Native-American/Kabbalistic religious ceremonies, and the Famous Triangle Man.

Got a special someone in your life? Take them to Brookehaven Hospital, where the two of you can read poetry on eating your loved one's face. The girls always go wild for that one. Or you could just smother them with a pillow. It's up to you. Single? No worries! Brookehaven's oh so sex-ay nurses will make sure you get the love and affection you deserve. Just make sure they don't shove their lead pipe at your ass when they get horny. If you're a couple looking for excitement, go to Touluca Lake, where the two of you can spend an exciting day looking at the exciting water, you wild things.

Feel you've got a good grasp on trivia? Why not play Silent Hill's favorite (and really only) game show, Trick or Treat, where you'll be quizzed on Silent Hill's attractions, geography and brutal axe murders. Even if you lose, you'll win the grand prize: a slow painful death! It's good clean family fun! All you need to play the home version of the game is a crappy, staticy radio.

There was an independent tavern here. It's gone now.

Following the graffiti artist striking in Bar Neelys, the owner decided to sell up and move out, Bar Neelys has now been bought out by Starbucks Who have bought most of Neely Road.

The subway's also a hotspot for picking up hookers, so long as you're willing to get them out. The best part is, they won't even charge you since they'll think they're dreaming. But the catch is, they'll suddenly run off into the girls' room to throw up without warning, then disappear into thin air. Afterwards, they'll call you up just to blame you for it. Hookers in Silent Hill are confusing.

Artaud Theater is also showing a production of Shakespeare's under-rated masterpiece, Tempest. While the production values are good for a small town play, you won't get a refund on your ticket if a delinquent girl imbued with satanic powers sneaks in halfway through the act, freaks out when she sees the Caliban costume, and inadvertantly gives you a nose bleed. Because if a nosebleed is the worse that happens when a girl imbued with satanic powers freaks out, you should be thanking your lucky stars.


For a brief moment, the entire town was shocked to discover a murder rate of 3.9 billion people per year. However, it was later discovered that it was the same victim in almost every case, and she wasn't even a real person anyway. The remainder of the murder cases were thrown out when a grand jury unanimously decided that it was okay to kill a person "If they were making fun of you with their eyes". Or if they constantly complained about "being sick and gross". They also decided that saying w00t was a offense worthy of rape, and disembowelment. But if you want to drag a local pervert to your apartment, strip him but-naked and whomp the shit out of him, no one will lift a finger to stop you so long as you're willing to share his clothes with your neighbors. A few days ago, a young st-stuttering m-man l-l-looking for some chocolate (oh chocolate!) milk was f-found b-burned t-to d-d-d-death in th-the f-f-forest outside of town. The police burned the victim's remains again for good measure. The police also encourages its citizens to put a bullet in the head of their mentally-enfeebled mothers if they're strapped to some weird, grusome, device of slow painful death. They'll thank you for it later.


Silent Hill has the 8th largest economy in the world. Joseph Letterman, economist and home-town hero of Silent Hill's capital city: Silent Hill, SH began an unstoppable slave trading scam with the country of Nigeria in 3253 A.D. which skyrocketed the economy to it's current state. Silent Hill is the United States of America's lead producer hemp, and because hemp is now very popular in Canada, Silent Hill's profits from hemp are very high.

Silent Hill was also a major exporter of mirrors, until a consumer advocacy group discovered a defect in their model 17-A which caused the reflection to stop moving and gradually become covered in blood. These defective models have all since been replaced with the newer 17-Bs which merely transport the looker into an alternate reality/soul-crushing, maddening nightmare without beginning or end inhabited by grotesque monstros-oh wait, it's your parents. No, seriously.

Silent Hill also produces its own brand of drain opener: Sunderland Drain Cleaner, which clears out the toughest clogs in toilets and sinks.

The phone company at Silent is also hard at work to make sure its clients get that call from some weirdo wishing them a happy 31st birthday, then a 24th birthday, whether or not it really is their birthday. Or even if the phone is connected or not.

However, Silent Hill is need of a good door repair service since most of its doors are broken and don't actually open.

Silent Hill also produces medicine called "Health Drink", which will heal all kinds of injuries from ghost attacks to bullet wounds.

The local Lumber Yard dispenses a wide variety of hardware and tools ranging from hammers, to scapels, to meat cleavers. While this may seem a convenient one-stop shop, most consumers complain that the items are of shoddy construction and break extremely easily. Even if minimal stress is applied when the users cut their steak/fend themselves from monsters that look curiously like two people screwing.

An up-and-coming butcher's shop has opened up fairly recently, owned and operated by an ambitious, strapping man who may or may not have been a trucker at one point in his life. While the Mystery Meat of the Week is out of this world, nurses are advised to steer clear of this establishment.

If your gun's broken, don't take it to the gun shop. Silent Hill doesn't have one for some reason (or its doors don't work, either's possible). Instead, take it on down the junkyard, and the friendly and courteous owner will get you set up. But as a heads up, he will try to kill you and your girlfriend with a circular saw at some point.

Quiet Slope[edit]

Silent Hill is not to be confused with the small town of Quiet Slope, another small rural town that is right next to Silent Hill. Quiet Slope is rather unlike Silent Hill in that it has a relatively smaller amount of hauntings, religious summonings of unholy creations, and people that spit on the very foundations which we have come to know today.

Silent Hill is twinned with St Helens, Lancashire.

Key Searching[edit]

Losing your keys is something that happens to us all. But in Silent Hill, it is not considered tragic, but tradition to lose keys to important sections of your house. If you find yourself in such a scenario, one might go looking for the key in random plugholes surrounded by fluorescent green liquid; the corpse of a dead, horribly mutilated guy that's dressed an awful lot like you; or on a key ring that you found in the superintendent's room of the creepy, rusty, bloody alternate version of your apartment complex.

Or holes. There have been many holes in the town of Silent Hill. Like the one in the hotel with the room with the scary ass butterflies, the hole in your appartment's bathroom, the bloody hole with a child's toy in it, a hole in the cage with a pulsating.. thing, and the hole that used to be there, but it's gone now.

See Also[edit]

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