Silent Hill 2

“Meh, this game only made me piss my proverbial pants.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Silent Hill 2

“It was a mistake! A horrible, horrible mistake!”

~ Konami on Silent Hill 2

“He doesn't care. Period.”

~ Kanye West on James Sunderland

“Oh crap. Traffic cones. Better not step over them...”

~ James Sunderland on Taking Shortcuts

“There was a hole here. Its gone now”

~ Anonymous on a hole being there, but not being there any longer.

“What, this? I remember this...some guy shot me just for raping a few mannequins...”

~ Pyramid Head on Silent Hill 2

“GEIA SOU MARIA!”

~ SARBEL on Silent Hill 2

Platinum? Hah, yeah, right.

Oh. It's you. How long have you been there? It's a nice day out, isn't it. It's just like every goddamn day around here.

But you're not here for that, are you?

You probably want to know about Silent Hill 2, like everyone who comes here.

Lucky you.

My name is James. James Sunderland. But you probably don't care.

Hell, I doubt you care about anything.

You're so pathetic.

Like me...

I'm not sure what brought you to this page.

But I know what brought me...

I got this letter yesterday... Here, take a look.

(You open the letter)

James, you prick. You killed me! I can't believe you! I wasn't even dying! I had a fucking broken arm, you jackass! Goddamn it James, I will come back to haunt you! I bet you want your Wallet back. Its in the hotel. Go to hell, you fucking prick. -Mary (You hand the letter back to him)

Pretty weird, huh? I'm not sure what it means.

It would probably help if I could read...

I suppose I could tell you what Silent Hill 2 is about.

But it'll take a while.

Just let me take my Prozac really quick...

(James fumbles around his car, but to no avail)

Dammit!

Oh, well, I'm not supposed to mix them with the beers I drank on the road here anyway...

Characters

I guess I should tell you about the people I've met in this town... They're okay people I guess:

• James Sunderland: This is me... Yeah, I know. I look like RE4-era Leon Kennedy. Well, I rocked this look three years before RE4, so kiss it, Shinji Mikami! ...Not like I care though. I only care about Mary. Oh yeah, I might have been a sales clerk or something. I dunno... Nobody at my job ever told me what I was doing...

• Mary Shepherd-Sunderland: I care about her. She had a vagina and boobs. I liked those. Well, she's dead now. And what's worse, the vagina doesn't work. Trust me, I tried. Just isn't as good. Well, think about how excited I was when I got a letter from her, telling me to go to Silent Hill, finally I'll have my vagina back... I mean Mary rack—back.

• Angela Orosco: I remember this girl. I didn't care, though. She looked pretty depressed, so I gave her some of my Prozac... Wait, that's where it went! Ugh... I really should have paid more attention... Well, at least I got a knife, but I lost it and... Oh, wait. you're sitting on it. You might want to move it or something... Anyway, she was looking for her mommy, and mistook me for her. Come on, I'm not that feminine-looking, am I?

• Eddie Dombrowski: Okay... Not much to say here. He's fat and enjoys getting fatter. But I don't care about him. I tried telling getting him to calm down after he murdered a man in cold blood, but it seems that calling a man who will kill anybody who makes fun of him "nuts" is a rather easy way to get killed. Funny. I probably deserve it though.

• Laura: Ugh. I hated this girl. She was like Mary without the vagina or boobs... Well, she did have one, but it just wasn't ripe, you know?

• Pyramid Head: Oh, the red Pyramid thing. He reminds me of that Alan Parsons album. You know, pyrramania. Also, he reminds me of that one singer... Uhh... Simply red I think. Not 'cause he was red, but because he sucked at singing... So, this thing likes raping things and killing me.

Did I cover everyone? Awesome. Lets get this story going.

You didn't cover Maria.

I know, that weird voice in my head...

Plot

So, I got that letter, which I mentioned earlier. I couldn't understand it, but I decided to go to Silent Hill, because that's the only place I know how to get to by car. Plus they have a sick-ass stripclub. But it was definitely for my love of Mary. And the tits. But mostly Mary. But especially the tits.

Mary liked Silent Hill. I care about Mary, and to a lesser extent, things she liked. And her vagina.

Damn, I should probably learn to read, or go to church more...

So I drove all the way from Indiana to Maine. Nonstop.

I needed to go to the bathroom, and take a big shit...

I went to the bathroom, it smelled funny. There was blood everywhere. I didn't care. It might have been crap, maybe it was crap. I'm not sure. I don't care.

I looked at my reflection for a while. I looked cool. I like my coat. But I don't care about it. I was growing a moustache. I would look weird with a moustache.

So I left the bathroom.

There were some traffic cones nearby. They were threatening traffic cones. They reminded me of Mary. She looked like a traffic cone. So I chose to run away from them. Not that I cared about them.

Scary traffic cones!

I went to my car to get a map. I didn't care about the map, but I needed it. I saw a trail near my car. I decided to go down it.

I probably should have locked my car... or at least closed the door.

I had other things in my car too. I don't care about them though. So, I got to this graveyard. It was very strange, I guess. It was pretty foggy out. I would have been scared in other circumstances (for example, being in a game with character depth), but I didn't care. I only care about Mary. There was this girl there. That might have startled me, I guess. We talked for a while. Talked about things. Apparently, her mother died. I wasn't paying attention. I did what I do when Mary talks and stared at her chest. She said something about her dad and being dead. I didn't care about either of them, though. She was holding a knife. There was a red stain on it. I'm not sure why I described the knife. I don't care about it.

Probably ketchup, or ...

So, I went to town. It was pretty quiet. Silent, you might say.

For the love of God, learn how to joke you Leon-wannabe sack of shit...

It was still hard to see. The fog was really thick. But I don't care about fog. Everybody was probably sleeping. It was kind of weird cause it something like four in the evening. I didn't care where they were though. Or what time it was. Or where I was.

I saw a construction site. I'm not sure why, but I decided to go inside the clearly marked off limits area. Mary loved fragrantly breaking trespassing laws. I liked to trespass too. Especially inside her pants. I didn't care about the boards but I saw something squirming inside and I thought it might be Mary. I found a radio. It made weird static, like when my TV didn't work. I did what I did to my TV and threw it.

I think I hit someone...

It looks like a lady in a straightjacket. I'm not sure, but I think she was coming on to me. I declined. I only care about Mary. So I said no. She kept coming though. I think she was trying to rape me, so I picked up a 2x4, and whacked the crap out of her with it.

That was weird...

So yeah. I had a radio. I wanted to listen to some bomb-ass tunes. But then I decided I don't care about bomb-ass tunes. I only cared about regular ass. But it was weird. When I got close to the weird ladies with straight jackets, it started playing static again.

Damn, a lot of people want to rape me, goddammit...

I found a bar. I was thirsty, so I went in. No one was inside. Their was some symbols on the wall that me teacher taught me about in kindergarten. I recognised some of them. It said something about a hole. I didn't care about the hole. Well, there was one hole. But it's gone now. Mary. I found a key. The key was to an apartment building. I didn't care about the key, or the apartment. I didn't really want to go inside.

So I went into the apartment building. It was dark. I didn't care though. So, I went through the halls. I found a flashlight. I could do with something like that, just with a different third letter.

God I'm repressed. Someone fuck me. I went into a room and found a mannequin with clothes.

... hang on, Mary used to wear these! I can tell because the cum stains are still baked into them. When I took them, a mannequin wanted to rape me. It had two vaginas. Fucking Christmas. Scared that I would bury myself so deep into the puss that I would never return, I again whacked the crap out of it. The mannequin with Mary's clothes reminded me of Mary. I wanted to have sex with it. I chose not to. It didn't have Mary's face.

Maybe I should have just gone back to my car...

I saw a lot of things I didn't care about in the apartments. I saw a fat guy throwing up (he wasn't fuckable), a little girl who likes to kick keys (not fuckable yet), and a giant guy with a big knife and a metal pyramid head (oh my GOD is he fuckable). He was raping a mannequin. Homeboy had the right idea. So I shot him. There was a hole in the wall with butterflies flying around it. I didn't care. I decided to stick my hand in the hole. I'm not sure why. It reminded me of my furious fisting of Mary. There was a key in there. As for the hole, it had nothing. I'm still not sure how she got it up there.

Maybe Mary's at the bottom of this toilet?

Nope. Just a wallet.

Maybe Mary's inside the money pouch?

Just a safe combo.

Maybe Mary's inside the saf—

Anyway, I found a chest, that needed three coins to open. I didn't want to open it with coins so I just bashed it with my 2x4. Fuck you, this is my game, do what I want.

...Yeah I really should've gone back to my car

I saw Pyramid Guy as I was leaving. He was raping someone that wanted to rape me. Two rapes make a rope. I could do with a rope. But I'd never kill myself.

Yeah you would.

I shot a couple rounds into him. He went into the water and died or something.

Why the hell did I follow him? Maybe Mary got swole and bought a pyramid helmet...

The Pyramid Guy. I don't care about him, though.

I went to the park. There was a lady there. Her name was Maria. I think she wanted to have sex with me. She looked like Mary, but I didn't care about her. She wanted to follow me. I went to a bowling alley. She didn't like bowling. I saw the fat guy and the little kid talking. She ran away. I didn't care about her, but I followed her anyway.

Damn that guy was a fat ass...

She went to a hospital. Mary liked hospitals apparently. I didn't care about hospitals. Maria wanted to lay down. I let her. She was drunk. I didn't care though. So, I went to the roof. Pyramid Guy was there. I think he wanted to rape me. So I jumped off the roof. I landed in a cell. I didn't care though. There were a lot of nurses though. They didn't have faces. They wanted to rape me, too. I killed them with my gun.

Maybe if I run fast I could make it back to my car...

I found a box with hair in it. And I found a shotgun in the ladies changing room. Along with tampons, and a metal hook. I used the hook to get a key. I went through a door. Suddenly, everything was different. A lot less clean, and badly lit.

Like my apartment...

I kept going though. It was creepy though. I didn't care. I found Maria in the basement. She yelled at me. She probably had PMS. Like Mary did. I care about Mary.

Mary had a lot of PMS...

I found a ring. Me and Maria also found another ring in a refrigerator. I didn't care though. There was a door that I opened with the rings.

Don't ask me how...

There was a long hallway. I didn't care though. I ran down the hallway with Maria. Pyramid guy was there. I figured he was trying to rape me. I ran to the elevator. Maria didn't make it. She was probably being raped by Pyramid guy. I didn't care though.

I miss raping Mary...

I left the hospital, and found a wrench and a key. I don't care about those things, either. I found a box with another key, and went to the museum. It was weird. There was a really, really long stair case. I went down it.

Glad I didn't trip...

There was a prison. I didn't care though. Mary liked prisons, though.

I always thought that was weird...

So, I found a lot of things in this prison. Mostly dead people, and rifles. I shot more people who wanted to rape me. I didn't care though. There was this weird place that looked like a crappy house. It was weird. There were people hanging from the ceiling. I wondered if they liked Spider-man. I didn't care though. There was that girl from the cemetery here. There was something trying to rape her. I killed it. She got mad and told me i was a bad person. I didn't care, though. I got a really big knife, and Maria was still alive. She was in a cage. I went into the cage, but she was dead.

Damn, she dies a lot...

At the end of the prison, I saw the fat guy. I made fun of him. He didn't seem to like that, though. So he tried to shoot me. I shot him with my rifle. He died pretty quickly. There was a boat. I didn't care though, but I got in anyways. I rowed for a while. Then, i came to a hotel. I didn't care. There was all sorts of crap in the hotel. Like flying beds and music boxes. But i didn't care. the little girl was there. She had a letter from Mary. I couldn't read it though.

I really should learn to read.

I went to the room that Mary's letter told me to go. I just assumed that. There was a VHS player, and a tape. I watched it. I didn't care. It showed me killing Mary. The little girl was mad at me for doing so. I didn't care.

She ran away and got raped by Pyramid guy...Oh well...

The hotel was different. It was dark and dirty. I didn't care. All I cared about was Mary. I went to this weird place. There were two Pyramid guys there. They killed Maria. Again. They tried to rape me, so I shot them. They killed themselves. I thought that was weird. They had two eggs. I didn't care though. I put them in the doors. They opened. I went to the roof. Mary was there. I cared about her. But she wasn't Mary. It was Maria. She tried to rape me. I killed her. Again.

I think she's dead-dead now

So yeah, I had a key to a door and I opened it... There was a dog inside with a whole lot of computers and levers.

That was unexpected

I sort of had a break down and started crying. The dog walked up to me and started licking my face, I think it was trying to rape me so I shot it.

I never was good with dogs

So yeah, I left the town and went back to my car.

Some Sumbitch stole my car...

Oh well...

Endings

And then you came. Turns out you were with me all along. Like, in the backseat. Like, I literally fumbled around your cold, dead legs, feeling for that Prozac. It was kinda difficult, what, with the rigor mortis and everything. Whatever. I guess I don't care. I suppose I could have done it a bit differently, like...

• Leave Ending: ...Leaving with that little girl. She was sort of like Mary, but not. I guess I could be her dad or something. But oh, well.

• In Water Ending ... I'm leaving leaving Silent Hill, scot-free, but then I slip in a puddle, and crack my head open. I guess this isn't much better, and really doesn't have a point. I don't really care though...

• Maria Ending: ...Killing Mary instead. Maria is like Mary, but shes not dead. She also likes sex more than Mary. So I guess I could have married her or something. Oh well. She coughed too much, anyway.

• Rebirth Ending: ...Reviving Mary using three ritual items. I could have had Mary back. but It seemed like too much trouble. Oh well.

• Dog Ending: ...Opening a door in the hotel where there was a dog controlling my actions. I thought that was weird. Oh well. (This was voted to be the most real ending)

• UFO Ending: ...Flying away with space aliens and having an awesome time in space. That would be cool. Oh well.

I'm not sure who you are, but thanks for listening. that was pretty cool of you. Yeah, hope you die. Okay. See ya. Don't let the pillow snuff you on the way out.