Silent Hill (film)

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Silent Hill film poster.jpg

So I'm supposed to review this movie I just watched. I may be a little jumpy, I was alone in the theater and those jump scares... Ok... Silent Hill was a horror video game they made into a movie. Harry Mason – he's the guy from the first video game, you know, the good guy – returned home from his first happy vacation there. He liked it so much that he decided to write a book. The book was a good-seller, but not too good, but good enough to be ok, but not that ok, but ok enough to sell more than ten copies. It sold twenty-seven copies for only $14.06 each! Which made him pretty damn not-rich-at-all!

Harry Mason was so excited he decided to ask his movie producer buddy to make it into a movie for him. Unfortunately his movie producer buddy wasn't able to convince his movie producer buddy friends to make it happen. One day several years later a very powerful mysterious man, whose name I wouldn't speak of even if I knew it, had a lot of money and was bored, so he finally said yes to producing the film about Harry Mason's adventure in Silent Hill into a movie. The movie producer buddy had to break down crying before he gave in...He owed the movie producer buddy a special favor anyway. So no matter how much he didn't want to, he had no choice! Sucks for him!

The making of Silent Hill movie[edit]

A very powerful mysterious man whose name we wouldn't speak of even if we knew it wouldn't produce it unless they made some changes. Even though he had to produce it and had no choice but to produce it. Harry Mason protested against that and was pretty pissed off. A very powerful mysterious man whose name we wouldn't speak of even if we knew it didn't care, but did it anyway. Then that very powerful mysterious man...

I give up. It's Robert DeNiro.

Changes with characters[edit]

  • Rose- Instead of giving Harry Mason his way, DeNiro put up with his PMSing after telling him he is a horrible actor, and replaced him with a hot blonde chick named Rose.
  • Sharon- DeNiro thought the name "Cheryl" was too old-fashioned and so mid 50's and re-named her "Sharon"
  • Rose's Husband- They gave the hot blonde chick a husband as if Harry had one. Harry later complained that he is not gay. But we're not entirely sure.
  • Pyramid Head- He didn't bother Harry Mason. That was just James Sunderland.
  • James Sunderland- They didn't let Harry Mason's good ole pal James be in the movie just because HE WASN'T THERE!... But they let Rose be in the movie, and she wasn't. Harry was and he can't be in the movie, probably just because she is a hot blonde chick, which pissed him off so badly that he pissed in the window of DeNiro's car to get back at him. So now he has to drive around in a car smelling like piss... sucks for him James Sunderland IS THE MAN!
  • Some random ginger girl- They added a random hot, teenage ginger girl named Anna, who Pyramid Head is seen stripping her, then ripping her skin off. Then she dies.
  • Cybil- She tries to arrest Rose. At first she is a bitch. Then they become great friends and have FABULOUS adventures together. Until she is burned to death and dies the good guy. Her Juice doesn't resurrect her this time. Even if it's Health Drink. (Which is really the magical substance of alcohol getting you drunk in the best possible times.)
  • Dahlia- She is the good guy now. In reality, she tried to make her daughter bear a demon child. But the crazy people of Silent Hill in the movie think her kid IS the demon. But they are STUPID. S-T-U-P-I-D. Seriously, her kid's kid is supposed to be the demon. Them Damn Idiots.

Instead they made this other lady the evil lady who tries to kill Dahlia's daughter Alessa, then tries to kill Sharon.


So the movie wouldn't start off boring like Harry's vacation did, they decided to change it from IWannaGoOnAVacationDaddyLetsGoOnAVacationDaddy to Our adopted child is a sleepwalker who mutters the name of the town she is from that we never heard of so lets go there
This once again for like the seventeenth time now PISSED OFF Harry Mason. Yeah his kid WAS adopted, but he wanted to keep that a secret and when little Cheryl found out she was a mixture of sad and confused. She had no idea what was going on, so she walked in the other room and beat up movie producer buddy for the enjoyment of ruining her childhood memories.

Rose takes Sharon to the forsaken town even though it's dangerous, but she doesn't care.
She just wants her adopted kid to behave in her sleep and not run away and scream things at night
But once again like what happened to Harry, some IDIOT walked in front of the car and Rose panicked and totaled their car while trying to outrun the smart cop that was trying to knock some sense into her.

The idiot turned out to be a ghost-clone of Alessa or Sharon, or whoever the hell she is. Some evil ghost monster thing that wants revenge and seeks Rose out to do her dirty-work for her.

In totaling her car, she also managed to knock herself unconscious. Then she woke up and wondered why it was snowing this time of the year... wait no, that was Harry. Never mind
She woke up and wondered why white stuff was falling from the sky. Being a perv, she giggled for a moment because it was white stuff... Then touched it and saw it was raining ashes.
But that made no sense whatsoever.

Her car wouldn't start because she totaled it. So she couldn't drive off and pretend nothing happened. too bad Also her phone wasn't working because the town was deserted by most sane people, so she wouldn't get any bars.

So she decided to be stupid and wander into the town, with no weapon. a smart person would carry a weapon... although at first Harry and James had no weapon, but at least they looked for one! well Harry kinda made friends with the sexy looking cop and she gave him a gun. James is just cool like that that weapons just come to him... like chainsaws so he could be the mass murderer of mannequins... wait wait wait stay on topic here. Now my mission is to explain what REALLY happened in the movie and not rant on how great James Sunderland of Silent Hill 2 is... by the way James Sunderland IS THE MAN!

She follows the idiot ghost monster creep thing into an alley where the sirens go off. Then evil babymonsterthings start raping her leg. kinda how Pyramid Head rapes his victims. But these monsters don't kill you and it doesn't hurt as much.

Then Barney came to the rescue and killed them. She passed out watching him save her, after he killed them he saw she was sleeping and poked her boobies and then ran away.

Then she woke up. Then she didn't understand what happened. Then she remembered a dream about Barney the dinosaur... and then realized he is a pervert. Then she realized Johnny Cash was on the radio and decided to dance to "Ring Of Fire" before getting back to her search.

She went back to her car as if anything changed because she is blonde, and not that smart, but still hot. When the hot cop chick Cybil arrested her because she thinks Rose is a pedophile or something and dumped her kid in Silent Hill to get rid of the corpse. Man was she wrong...(or was she?) no no she was wrong... it's not like she is Douglas from Silent Hill 3.

Then a lying figure appeared and spitted at Cybil because she looked at it thinking "OMG WTF IS THAT THING?" and that PISSED OFF the Lying figure—diehard fans already know what I'm talking about: the Lying Figure was a monster in Silent Hill 2 that existed because James wanted sex but Mary didn't; Harry Mason had never seen it before and was PISSED when they put her in the game because she wasn't in HIS super-magical-special-fun-SilentHill-adventure. Of course.

So Rose ran away again. She found a school. she went in there so Sharon must have been a nerd of one of the first buildings Rose looked in was a school. Then she went in a bathroom and saw the former janitor named Colin dead, naked and tied up in barbed wire in one of the stalls. It made her gag. Then she puked. Then gagged again. Then pissed herself. Then gagged again.
She saw something important in his mouth. She didn't want to go in it but she had to so she covered her eyes as she did it and grabbed the paper, but reached too far down his throat and touched the uvula and he threw up, which made her throw up. c'mon, James Sunderland stuck his hand in a potty for a wallet and he was fine. This woman should man up!

Then she heard sirens again and Colin came back to life and tried to rape her. But she escaped and almost got raped by Pyramid Head Which didn't happen to Harry, which offended him because then he was like "am I not sexy enough?"
But then Cybil was all like "IMMA COP BITCHES! SHOOT SHOOT TO THE HELMET PYRAMID HEAD" he didn't die then ran and his with Rose and took the handcuffs off.

Then it was eventually over again after a while and they continued to look. So they go to a hotel where they meet an interesting ginger named Anna. She was crazy. She was trying to kill Dahlia for being religious. But they stopped her. Then they ran into the idiot demon child again. She burst into flames and disappeared.

So then they go to Church and they come a second too late because THEM DAMN SIRENS went off again. Which sucked for ginger Anna because Pyramid Head picked her up, stripped her, then ripped her skin off... Then she died.
But the blondes were ok. They went in. Everyone wanted to burn them because those two were normal and they didn't like different people. (That's because these people were crazy, ok.)

But then Christabella, the leader of the psychopaths told them they can't kill them. Well at least until they saw who they were looking for.
They think children who have no fathers are evil.
They capture the cop, but Rose gets away and finds the adult Alessa who is still traumatized from being burned as a child.
Her evil ghost clone wanted revenge for Alessa being burned and possessed Rose's body and went to the Church where they had Cybil burned and Sharon next to be burned.

Rose comes in preaching to them and Christabella stabs her but she doesn't die, instead she bleeds out Alessa and Alessa, Evil idiot child clone with many names, and BARNEY comes out and kills EVERYONE, except for Rose, Sharon, and Dahlia.
Then Rose slaps Barney.
Dahlia is confused why she isn't dead, but wants to be, but isn't, but doesn't want to kill herself. so she doesn't, but wonders why Alessa didn't kill her. Rose tells her it's because she didn't feel like it.

Then they go home only to find that they are dead too.
Then it's over.
The End.

Now they wanna make a sequel.
But it's over, so they can't.
But they still want to.
Well that's TOO DAMN BAD!
Then Rose FINALLY changed her underpants... A happy ending.

The movie theater[edit]

The movie was finally released in theaters and surprisingly had a big audience. When Harry Mason's friends saw it and realized he was replaced by a hot blonde chick with a husband, they kept making fun of him for being "gay" so then he had no other choice but to kick their asses.

He didn't get rich off of the huge success. Only the actors, Movie Producer Buddy and DeNiro made money off of it. So Harry kicked their asses too.
Even Barney the Dinosaur made more than he did.
So then he got drunk and ate their faces.
Then he took acid and had a Silent Hill Fantasy, where he ate Cybil. (which is why she ain't in the third game)