The Queen of the Damned

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Allahya and her right hand man Lestat

“I've known a few damned queens, I can tell you....”

~ Noel Coward on Queen of the Damned

The Queen of the Damned is a musical parody of the book with the same name starring Allahya and Stuart Noseed. The movie has an ingenious way of transforming a 500 page book into a 94 minutes spectacle of nonsense. With super-sexy stars, with hot bodies that people of all genders can appreciate (nobody can resist a hot vampire), the movie at least has eye candy going for it.


Lestat was the son of some French nobleman 200 years ago. He was abducted by a vampire, Marius, with the intention of fulfilling sick french-vampire-sexual fantasies with him. But when Marius discovered that he was impotent, he made Lestat a vampire in the hope that one day he would once again be able to use his penis, and make up for lost time. Marius dumps Lestat after a few years when he realizes that he just isn't turned on by him and has no sexual/anatomical problems. Lestat doesn't care about Marius or his sexual frustrations, because he has taken a fancy to Marius' statue (i.e. The Mother Of All Vampires, Akasha). After practically getting it on with her (i.e. drinking her blood) Marius can't take the jealousy and bails on 'Stat Dog (Lestat), he's so sad that he has to take a long depressed nap (what a pussy!)

After a 100 year sleep, the vampire Lestat wakes up to find some lame ass pop rockers rehearsing in his house. Because he had already sucked someone's blood and he had no use of his sexual organ to make sweet love the girl in the group, he decides to become their lead singer. D'oh! Having enough money to buy Jonathan Davis' voice he became quite famous and his songs were playing everywhere. The noise made by Lestat's songs being played all the time woke up R&B (Rock'n'Blood) singer Aaliyah, mother and queen of all vampires. (In real life, too!)

Aaliyah wakes up to realize her husband has been sleeping beside her for the past 6000 years without trying to get inside her royal undead Pandora's box as was his king's right, so she kills him. She is so enraged that she decides to kill all humans of the male species in the world. To do this she needed a very powerful and scary weapon so she kidnapped Lestat. (Why? We have no fucking idea either.)

"Check out ma killa blings y'all"

From this point on everything happens very fast. Aaliyah kills almost all the vampires in the world, kidnappes Lestat and begins her master plan. Marius along with some other vampires have a meeting were they try to make a plan against Aaliyah but she finds then, they fight, Aaliyah dies and some other dumb unimportant shit happens.



The soundtrack is the single worst part in the entire film. The songs have been composed by Jonathan Davis and Richard Gibbs and performed by Wayne Static, David Draiman, Chester Bennington, Jay Gordon and Marilyn Manson. No one knows why these artists agreed to make a soundtrack for this sexy movie but some say that Lestat promised them eternal life and hot vampire sex (a lot of it).

Fake death conspiracy[edit]

We all know that before the film was released Aaliyah died in a plane accident. After serious investigations, the cause of the crash has failed to be discovered. In unrelated news, the plane's pilot was mysteriously drained of blood before the plane lost control. Everyone was devastated to hear about Allahya's death and the body has not been discovered (dead vampires turn to dust).

At the Queen's funeral I managed to talk to Lestat and get the true story. After drinking a few glasses of Russian blood his tongue got loose and he told me how Aaliyah had been worried the past the past few weeks before the film's release because Anne Rice threatened to sue her for...everything after seeing the movie. Being afraid of losing all her money and her killa blings, Aaliyah faked her death and is now in Jamaica with Tupac Shakur and are planning to release a new duet album. You found a secret!

See also[edit]