Seven (film)

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Scary - Beautiful - Complex... Se7en

“All those adorable young men... yummy!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Bitch had it coming!”

~ Walt Disney

Se7en (pronounced in some publications as Sesevenen) is an animated horror movie based on the parable of the Snow White, written by Tim Burton. It was the first animated movie to tackle the previously avoided subjects of mortality within the Catholic Church and midget abuse.

Released in cinemas in the late 1930s (no-one remembers the exact date, it was a long time ago), it was initially slated by critics for being nothing more than a series of still images or drawings, as some have suggested, put up on the screen really, really quickly.

The films popularity gained momentum when it was released on video cassette in time for the Second World War. With so many men away from home, the women needed something to do in the evening and it was decades before the invention of chocolate and vibrators.

Over the years it has been very successful in many movie polls; Best Animated Feature Utilising Midgets, Scariest Witch, and Least Annoying Shouting By A Woman to name but three.

In 1989 the film was re-released to coincide with Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke’s decision to weep live on national television when he admitted marital infidelity. The film had been re-edited to include an additional midget named Shagger Hawke. Copies of this rare edition still fetch upwards of $8 on specialist websites.


Cameroon Diaz (right) with 'partner' Whoopie Goldberg.

Snow White (Cameron Diaz) is living with her father and wicked stepmother. Deciding that life would be better if she left, Snow White moves to an unidentified rainy city and is partnered with a soon to be retiring cop, world weary Detective Somerset Maugham Freeman (David Hyde Pearce).

A series of murders, each one less grisly than the last, have the city in a mood of panic and despair.

The police round up a group of seven previous offenders whom they consider the most likely suspects.

The film follows their stay in Wilkinson Home for Boys in upstate New York and the torture and rape they suffer at the hands of their jailors, the leader is Kelvin Balcon (Ted Danson).

Cast / Characters[edit]

Snow White (Cameron Diaz) – Unknowing heiress to the Oreo Cookie fortune. Hates stepmothers, stepbrothers, step ladders and the Pop group Steps. Her relationship with her stepmother started badly and just kept getting worse. It is intimated in the movie, though never fully stated, that the stepmother was part Badger, part human; a hybrid known as a Badgman.

Detective Somerset Maugham Freeman (David Hyde Pearce) – Pessimistic and eager-for-death cop. Lives in the shadow of a highly intellectual older sibling. Throughout the movie he frequently uses the cathphrase, "Thanks a pant-load Chet!" The film originally contained a scene where David Hyde Pearce has a blazing argument with David Bowie because he refused to remove his coat in front of a lady. Bowie insisted the scene be removed as he would ALWAYS have remove his coat.

Bob Wrath (Ernest Borgnine) – Kills hitchhikers in a state of indignant anger. Borgnine was severely ill at the time and his scenes were largely shit so were cut out of the movie, leaving only integral moments from his overlong, often adlibbed, often racist monologues.

Selma Hiyek - No relation to Herbie Hancock

Ted Greed (Salma Hyek) – Eats underage homosexual Asians to death, whether they want to be or not. This character caused some controversey at the time as there had been a spate of homosexual Asian killings the previous year. Producers decided to keep the character in as they really didn't care too much for homosexual Asians.

Warren Sloth (Tim Curry) – A sloppy guitar playing, beatnik type, who literally, like, you know, bores dudes to their death.

James Van Der Beeker - owns every Van Halen album on vinyl

Terry Pride (James Van Der Beek) – Murdered several members of his own family and buried them in his back yard. He then installed an elaborate decking scheme, complete with authentic Ethiopian wood burners as garden heaters. Later that year, he won a Home & Garden Magazine prize for best back yard.

Captain Richard Lust (Jeff Bridges) – Just totally digs chicks, so much so he has a permanent erection. Kills florists with a hammer. Jeff Bridges spent 6 months actually killing florists with a hammer in preperation for this role. He also spent 6 months hanging around with bridges, though this is normal for his family.

Leonard Envy (Noah Wyle) – Kills only the very poorest in society, steals their belongings and sells them on auction sites. On set acrimony with Cameron Diaz meant that all their scenes together had to be drawn by artists in separate rooms. They have not worked together since(though Noah Wyle did once almost masturbate over a picture of her in the bathroom of a Wendy's).

Gus Van Gluttony (James Spader) – Stalks overweight women and murders their gardners. Due to unforseen circumstances most of Spaders scene were wiped when a pizza delivery boy was accidentally hired to complete production. He had always hated Spader since Sex, Lies & Videotape proved not to be even half as horny as the title suggested.

Ted Danson - Theres a bustle in his hedgerow.

Kelvin Balcon (Ted Danson)– Peadophile, rapist, closet homosexual, prison warder, ladies man.


Since it's release there have been many attempts to remake, copy, plagarise, or even downright steal the concept, look, music, production design, lighting and special effects of Terminator 2, Se7en is not one of these. No-one has copied Se7en as it has always been considered, in animation circles, as a bit shit; except for when they eat mushrooms in the desert and Rob Zombie drew that bit.


For many years there were rumours of a sequel, entited 8ight, but no-one could be bothered writing it.