Split (2016 American film)

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"If you want to take a shit on my movie, it's third door on the left."

Split is a 2016 American film that seeks to inspire viewers with horror and sadness, until it is revealed at the end that the story was being acted out by professionals who were paid a shit ton of money for their work in convincing audiences that they were physically witnessing a psychopath eat young bitches alive. The director, M. Night Shyamalan, was sued for this deception by many lawyers before they had gotten to the end of the film.

Many acclaimed psychiatrists have admitted that the actor for Kevin Wendell Crumb was so convincing in the role of a disgusting, sadistic, creepy psychopathic piece of shit as to compel them, while viewing the film, to contact the police. Others were ridiculed for being skeptical of the genuineness of the Kevin Wendell Crumb threat and were accused of lacking basic empathetic qualities.


Three young women are abducted by a man who fooled them with his Shakespearean pick-up line: "Shall I bring ye pretty damsels to my scary abode whither ye shall be secluded and ultimately cannibalized?" Surprised at his success, the abductor ponders what he will do with his sex slaves. For some reason, the prospect of sexually interacting with them does not occur. As the plot progresses, the girls find out that his seeming chastity is due to his economical relationship with a female personality (Patricia) in his own brain. The abductor, Kevin, actually is transsexual and multi-polar and can therefore constitute a monogamous marriage by himself. The girls are therefore jealous, which leads to Kevin wanting them dead. He finds a bounty killer (conveniently another personality of his own) who can do the job for him. But he also has a nine-year old son (conveniently another personality of his own) who has taken a fancy to the girls. In this dilemma, he decides the best, most rational option is to chew on their flesh like a zombie. But just before the last girl is eaten up (with barbeque sauce and chips), Kevin's son has a nervous breakdown and the wife, Patricia, has to rush him to hospital. The doctor (another personality of his) fails to save the boy's life and this leads to Kevin wanting to murder the doctor. Patricia tries to intervene, but gets killed in the process along with the others.

Release and controversy[edit]

Split left the whole film community split (pun intended) over the alleged consequences of its release. Several humanitarian organizations blamed the movie for a rise in cook books containing recipes for cannibalized girls with barbeque sauce and chips. A fierce intellectual maelstrom resulted, in which the ethics of eating young human girls was subjected to meticulous philosophical scrutiny. One Christian spokesperson, Ann Coulter, said "If we are allowed to abort young embryonic cells, why can we not chew on, stab, decapitate and cannibalize young women, as Split encourages us to do? Wake up, America, and hear your own hypocrisy!" Donald Trump took issue with the way psychopaths were depicted in the movie. He said on television that "If this horrible disgusting film – which I'm glad to say is not real – gives the impression that all psychopaths have many people living inside them, then my career is ruined. Now that psychopaths look so bad, who will vote me as president of America? No, no, no! Please Americans, don't believe that horseshit! I'm a good psychopath. I only have one personality, and that's Me with a capital M."