The Blair Witch Project

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"Heather, stop messing with that camera and come back to bed!"

“I fell asleep during this movie, thrice.”

~ Oscar Wilde on pure boredom


~ Heather Donahue on Everything

The Blair Witch Project (issued in the UK as The Tony Blair Witch Hunt) is a poorly made American horror film where three actors were also the directors of photography, making a documentary in the Burkitsville Woods that was so horrifyingly crappy that it would scare its audience to death! The movie was released in 1999 and was not successful as a death weapon, and actually set the wrong impression. Many people were convinced that the movie was a real "documentary", making them very scared of the Burkitsville woods. That was until people saw the main actress, Heather Dontknowhu, walking around on the streets after the movie was released. People got angry and were all like, "Hey, Bitch! You're supposed to be dead!!" and chased her off the road. Her career was ruined. Yeah, and what was the last big project you heard the filmmakers worked on?


In October 1994, Heather, her film buddy Josh, and someone referred to as "MIIIKE!!" later in the film set out on a journey to Burkitsville, where they filmed and asked people questions about a witch. A fat lady tried to tell them about two guys who got killed by the witch, but her annoying daughter kept on saying "No" to her, and she kept covering her mouth. There was an old man who talked about a paedophile who had a crack house up in the woods. He said that the paedo stole 7 children one time and raped and murdered them. He would make one child face a corner while he raped and killed the other, because he didn't want the other children to see sex, because it was inappropriate. The paedophile said he had kill the children because the ghost of a witch told him to. The authorities dismissed the idea immediately, because that's what people always used to say when they had committed a crime, e.g. "I only stole the milk because the witch told me to", "I ate my cat because the witch told me to", or "I only burnt the woman with the carrot on her nose because the witch told me to!"

The three film makers thought that all these people were full of shit, until they met Mary Brown, an insane meth dealer who was so full of shit that you could smell it from Indonesia. Mary said that she had seen the witch, and that she was hairy and mute. Heather decided to leave because she smelt bad.

Then they went to the woods, where some guy was fishing in the creek and said that the woods are very scary and that they should not walk around at night or else a boogieman will eat them. He then told them that there is no such thing as the Blair Witch.

Heather, Mike and Josh went to a place called "A Rock where People got their Intestines Splattered Everywhere". It was a rocky thing going into a creek. Heather had another part of her cheesy documentary filmed. They then found 7 piles of rocks, and didn't know that they were Cairns. Josh broke one of the piles, and Heather tried to fix it. Then they set up camp, and they heard cracking noises in the distance. Convinced that they were just rednecks trying to fuck with them, the next morning they decided that they were bored and tried to get back to the car. But it rained too much and it took too long, so they set up camp again. Then they got up the next morning and there were 3 Cairns outside their tent. But they didn't know that. They just thought that they were piles of rocks. "Oh my god, piles of rocks!" Heather said. Fuck rocks.

Then the map went missing, and Heather and Josh had a fight. Mike started laughing at them and said that he threw it in the creek. Heather and Josh jumped him, and then they got all upset and stuff and it was all dramatic. Then they found a whole lot of Victoria Beckham figurines made out of sticks hanging from trees in an area. They had two cameras - the budget camera with a microphone, and the rich black-and-white camera without a microphone. They called it CP or something. Heather had the budget camera and was filming the figurines with it, and she yelled "COME UP HERE, QUICK! I NEEDA USE THE CP!" and then the boys starting getting scared and wetting their pants because they didn't like the figurines. Heather then stole one of the figurines because she was a kleptomaniac.


That night, they were sleeping but then they woke up because they heard little children laughing. Heather made a freaked out gasping noise and then something attacked their tent from the outside. Heather ran away and saw a giant figurine and yelled, "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" when she actually knew what it was.

A few hours later, they went back to their tent and saw that their stuff had been snooped into. No one said anything about the fact that maybe the thing that attacked their tent was coming to get the Victoria Beckham figurine that Heather stole. Then Josh went missing and the night after that Heather and Mike heard him screaming in the distance. They tried to look for him but failed because they were failures. Then the next day, there was a bunch of sticks delivered to their door by the Burkitsville postage service. Heather opened in and saw teeth and organs inside it. She screamed very loudly.

That night they heard Josh screaming in the distance again, after Heather let her nose run all over the camera. They followed the screaming noises over to a weird crack house and went in. Heather had the rich camera and Mike had the budget camera. They went up stairs because they thought the screaming was coming from upstairs. Then they went downstairs because Mike heard Josh down stairs. He went into the basement and he said "Josh?" and then he got pushed over by something violentally, and he landed on the ground. Then Heather kept on screaming for some reason, but only the microphone on the budget camera could hear her, and it was now on the ground in the basement. Heather went down to the basement to find Mike and she saw him facing the corner for some stupid reason. Then she finally shut up went the same thing that pushed Mike over, pushed Heather over as well.

The movie was about 77 minutes long, and you never saw that blair bitch. Oops, witch...