Puppet Master

Puppet Master is a series of cheap-assed, low-budget horror movies made by Nude Moonie productions that has a phenomenal cult following for such a mainstream series of films. But, the real mystery is, what the fuck does anyone see in 10 movies about killer puppets who do absolutely jack-shit most of the time, on the screen? All they do is merely wave their arms around like little gay "Thunderbirds" rip-offs before a lot of cheap cuts to give an illusion that G.I. Joe has gone AWOL. The First Puppet Master A band of no-talent fuckers decided to make a movie in 1987 about a group of puppets that come to life and kill people for little, to no reason at all. So a script was written and passed around to a lot of movie studios, but none of them wanted to make it because they already had there own shitty little low-budget horror movies that made no sense to deal with. So it was when the script came to Nude Moonie productions, that's when a band of no talent fuckers decided this was the movie to put them on the map. So they made a movie about a Puppet Master who dies in the early scenes from a heart-attack brought on by a premonition from the future about how the hell it's 9 more sequels tie-in with the rest of the movies. So now that the old fart is dead, the Puppets are now under control by their new master, whose name eludes us, but lets call him Tinkerbell, okay? So Tinkerbell has faked his own death, but you don't know that until the end of the movie, sorry to spoil that for you. Actually, we're just kidding, we know about "spoilers" and "warnings" and shit, but we just don't care, so we're not sorry at all. So anyway, these psychics the guy who supposedly killed himself knew have all come to be picked off by the puppets for no reason at all at the supposedly dead guys hotel. Why they chose psychics is anyone's guess. They play no fucking role in the plot of the movie, other then having little psychic flashbacks to a murder in the hotel acted by human beings, because they needed filler scenes to make up for the lack of puppet scenes, which is what people would want to see, but fuck what the people want to see when it comes to making a fucking movie, you know that. Characters That You Give a Shit About Puppet Master opened a case of new lovable on screen, shitty animated puppets that the audience just wanted to take home and molest like Micheal Jackson having been given freedom to run a daycare center. Blade: Blade is a black puppet, he has a striking resemblance to Wesley Snipes in a Ku Klux Klan uniform painted black. He is the zombie slayer of the bunch, and can dunk a basketball well for such a small-assed guy. Pin Dick: This guy is based on the look of Uncle Fester from the Addams Family, but has the personality and brains of Paris Hilton & Britney Spears. He is a sexually frustrated puppet, being that he is so small, has little to no brains, and he can only get off by raping the hotels key holes, because the hotel mice are too quick for him to catch. Tunneler: This guy is a puppet made from a Nazi uniform and a dildo. He likes to stick his nose in where it doesn't belong, followed by the rest of his head. His special ability it to fuck holes like a dildo, but the guy has double vision and refuses to wear glasses, so he ends up creating a new hole in the people he is trying to pleasure, and ripping them a new hole. It's not till he realizes his victims are not on the rag, but the blood is caused from him missing the right hole completely, and tunneling his way all the way through to their spine. Jester: This guy is a clown, his head spins like Beetlejuice and he grabs his dick a lot screaming, "NICE FUCKING PUPPETS" (honk honk sound) then when his head stops spinning he either looks sad like a little emo bitch, or has a look on his face like, "Can you smell what I just did?" Leech Woman: This is basically Gothic Barbie. She is a useless bitch who vomits leeches. Out of all the ways to kill someone, she chose to regurgitate little black dick looking things that suck blood from the skin slowly. She obviously has inherited her smarts from Pin Dick... most likely an inbred birth of some sorts. Puppet Master II The sequel to the original (and we say that for a reason that you will understand later) continues off where the last flick left, and sees a bunch of dick-less researchers try to make heads and tails of what happened in the last movie, and why so many of them ended up dead? So of coarse, they end up being attacked by the Puppets for trespassing. Which is fair enough. This time the Puppets are running low on beer and can't get the guests of the house to do a beer run for them, so they bring there Master back to life to do it for them. But in the end, the douche-bag master wants to fuck a life sized doll instead of getting them their beer before the bottle shop closes for the night, so they kill him. Which is fair enough, again. Torch This guy was the new addition to the PM family. He is one of the coolest looking fuckers ever seen in puppet form. He has a skull like face with bullets for teeth, a German helmet, a flame thrower for a hand and best of all, he kills children!!! Something every horror movie with a kid in it needs, a puppet that will burn a 6 year old to a fucking crisp... YEAH... fuck the censors, fuck the MRA, fuck the concerned mothers of America, Torch is a hero for finally doing what other horror movies where afraid to do. If only Torch was cast in "Home Alone" maybe we would still respect the late MaCauly Kulklin kid. Puppet Master III: Tokers Binge Drinking Now the Puppets have traveled back in time to 1941, they have skipped over the year in 1931 when their master suffered a heart attack from bad script writing, and he is alive again 3 years after his death. Now they are in Nazi Germany trying to escape the evil forces of Hitler and the rest of the Decepticons. While trying to escape, Faggatron finds a doll made by The Puppet Master that looks a lot like Charlie Chaplin in a Nazi Uniform, but mistakes it for the Führer himself, so he becomes a dipper-dobber who wears diapers and tells on him. So the Puppet Master is raided by Nazis and they use his wife for target practice. So the Puppet Master puts his wife's soul into Leech Woman, and tells her to eat up all her leeches like a good little bitch, and sets out for revenge on the Nazi's that killed her. 6 Pooter The latest addition to the Puppets is a Cowboy with 6 assholes. He can bend over and will and fire 3 shots at a time from two of his 6 assholes. He is a crack shot and will find his target 100% of the time after the first two ghost poops that act as a warning shot. Puppet Master 4 & 5 If 3 wasn't enough, then the plan to make 4 & 5 simultaneously was the way to go. This time around the puppets have traveled back to the future (no pun intended) to seek residence in the motel of parts 1 & 2 again. Pin Dick must have managed to fuck up the time circuits and not bring them back at the correct time, because now all the puppets seemed to have lost there life force, and are inside the chest they live in once again, looking like it hasn't been opened in 50 years. At least co-pilot Blade managed to stay alive and escape the time traveling case. But before your head explodes trying to work out how the hell 50 years goes by within a matter of a possible 5 between parts 2 and 4, we will just try to ficus on the plot. The plot is this really shitty animated demon thing that sounds like Optimus Prime is on the rag about the Puppet Master knowing the secret to bringing the puppets to life, which is something the demon discovered how to do and copyrighted the recipe in 1675. So now he is sending his little demons after the people who know of the formula to demand they pay $3 in copyright violation, or face death. Of coarse all the characters in the movie are striving actors with no talent, so of coarse they had to choose death. New, but shithouse Puppet to never make a return The new puppet to this movie is a faceless, half mutated, inbred version of Torch and Blade. I guess the inbreeding thing was still going on, so at least some sort of continuation was happening between the sequels. So this faceless thing is brought to life like Frankensteins monster by shoving a 12-volt battery up its ass and hoping lightning strike the TV antenna on the roof. The faceless puppet then comes to life and rips its own head off to replace it with a double headed gold plated dildo with an iPod screen for a face, it then farts an electrical blast out of its ass that kills the little demon thingies. Puppet Master 6: Curse of the Puppet Master This time around the Puppets find themselves with a new master. Her name is Tiffany, and she is pissed off that her boyfriend Charles has run off with Dolly Dearest. So she vents her anger by taking control of the Puppets and making them do her bidding for her. She makes them clean the house, do the shopping, mow the lawn, trim the hedges, open jars for her, bring her chocolates and occasional eat her out (though she never lets Tunneler be involved). This movie is not so much the traditional horror movie as in killers and blood, but more the horrors of a woman in control suffering from her curse of PMS and the abuse the dolls (representing men) have to put up with. New High-Tech Puppet Throughout the movie a retarded douche-bag is seen carving a new puppet out of wood that Tiffany expects to transfer his soul into, but in the end of the film, the woof carved puppet is magically now a robot with shooting laser beams attached to its frickin' head. Tiffany transfers the retard's soul into the robot, and in a split second it shoots her dead and that's the end of that movie. This puppet/robot was never seen again in a puppet master film, as it shortly committed suicide due to how rushed and shitty the ending was to PM6. His final words can be heard in the end scene of Terminator II: Judgment Day, just as you see the Terminators thumbs up to John Conner, from inside the melting lava, you can faintly hear the High Tech puppet scream "wait for meeeeee" followed by a small plop sound. Puppet Master 7: Retro Runners To escape the god awful ending of PM6, the Puppets jumped back in there time machine and fucked off back to the past to kick off wear part 3 ended. This time around they just want to sit around and drink some warm virgin blood as the Puppet Master tells them the story of the original puppets that came before them. so now, in set in a prequel to the puppet master series, we now go from the prequel from the prequel from the future sequels, to find out how the Puppet Master came to be. We discover he made a bet with the devil that his Puppets would live on in movies that all made sense, provided Corey Feldman never had a role in any of the Puppet Master films. The devil granted him his wish to bring his puppets to life, and they would lead long healthy lives in many sequels that made sense with the rest of the movies. New Puppets Blade returns, only he's not really blade, he's like, Blade from the He-man series or something, as well as a one eyed testicle puppet named Cyclops, and a few others that are cheap knock-offs from the original puppets, which are actually the predecessor puppets, depending on your standing point of view. Puppet Master 8: Fagacey Lets not go here, it's been confusing enough as it is. Puppet Master 9: Access to Assholes Well, the puppets are still in the 1940's, I guess they refuse to come back to more recent times knowing there would be a lot of fan questions asking why the fuck they did this and that in that movie, and why the hell this doesn't match up with this part etc... however, the Puppet Master has killed himself in 1931 again, so they have a new master, a douchebag with a limp. So anyway, the Germans are in America siding with the Japs in a plan to blow up a little girl's lemonade stand to show the world that nothing will stop them in their powers to end freedom and democracy. But they just happen to pick on a little girl who the puppets really enjoy the lemonade from, so they help stop the Germans and Japs from destroying their favorite 25-cents-a-cup beverage stand. New Puppet Puppet San Ninja Warrior Hidden Dragqueen the douchebag's brother of the story is in the NAVY, and he's really good at sneaking up on people, so when he dies, he naturally becomes a ninja of stealth... makes sense, right? He looks like a 3-dollar turd made from a toy from The Mummy and has an amazing ability to fart smoke out of his ass to cause a smoke screen while he ties his shoelaces in the middle of a fight. Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys This is why the Puppet Master series makes no sense, as the Puppet Masters deal with the devil was fucked up when someone accidentally cast Corey Feldman as the lead in this thing. Corey displays some of the best acting of his career in this movie, which is why everyone hates it, as Corey's best is like listening to a chainsaw running and thinking "I love industrial metal music". So Corey's character is a father and scientist, though maybe not in that order. He is supposed to be a descendant of the Puppet Master, and brings the dolls back to life by doing something no one else in the PM series has ever done, recreating the formula... which by the way, involves use of severed human body parts, freshly killed, so Corey sure had no guilty consciousness when he made the formula just to see if the puppets would come to life. Also, the formula has always been green, but in this movie, well, we can only guess instead of regular water, Corey dunked the cup in the water on the bottom of his toilet, cause it's now blue. I guess if you're going to act so shitty, and treat the role like shit, you may as well fill it with water from the place piss and shit belongs. Also there is this chick who runs a toy company and has a plan to sell all these dolls Satan made to kids and slaughter them, which doesn't happen, proving that Torch should have been in this fucking film. So, her story is she was made by these two teenage geeks, and she eventually got sick and tired of granting them wishes, so she killed them and went into business with the devil. Now she is stuck with the Demonic Toys, which consists of a colorful penis in a box, a gay bear, and a baby that can fly by passing wind. Pretty captivating stuff! So you can guess what is going to happen, Corey has to save the day by stopping the Demonic Toys with the help of the 4 puppets he has, Blade, 6 Pooter, Jester & Pin Dick... who in the end, each get an upgrade... Jester gets a bommy knocker, 6 Pooter becomes the Terminator, Pin Dick gets Jax-style arms and Blade gets his blades taken away to be replaced by shitty plastic versions of his knife and hook that makes everyone wonder what kind of fucking upgrade is that when you go from metallic blades to plastic knifes? We can only suspect this was due to the 9/11 effects, but made no sense in doing so in a movie set on the ground. Future of Puppet Masters With the ending of part 9, or 10, depending on how you look at things, as nothing seems to make any sense to us anymore, we can probably expect a sequel to "Access To Assholes", however, there was no sequel made to "retro" which fans have been asking for to discover whatever happened to the original dolls, so most likely, to keep in tradition of the PM series, part 10/11 (whatever) will most likely probably take place in the future... and most likely be set in space, then expect another vs. sequel, Puppet Master vs. Critters vs. Gremlins vs. Chucky vs. Dolly Dearest vs. Demonic Toys vs. Barbie vs G.I. Joe vs. Larry Flint vs. Mighty Mouse vs. Street Fighter vs. Chuck Norris. However, that movie is sure to suck, as everyone knows Chuck Norris hasn't been considered "cool" since the 80's.

Puppet Master That's a picture, you dummy Format movie Created by The Dick Band Starring Blade Pin Dick Jester Gothic Barbie 6 Pooter Lamb Chops Torch Tunneller Theme music composer Aplpha Kenny Wun Country of origin USA Language(s) American, English, Canadian, Australian, Welsh Production Executive producer(s) Michael G.Spot Boyle Producer(s) Barbara Blackbutt Krammer Production company(s) Nude Moonies Distributor Cap Broadcast Picture format visible Blade looks on with confusion, did he just kill someone, or have the herpes come back? Pindick shows off his pinhead dick. Tunneller, the member who was almost sued for copyright infringement by Thomas The Tank Engine for sticking faces on pre-existing toys. If Torch could talk, he'd say, "These little fuckers had it coming anyway" Leech woman later grew tired of having to sleep with the producers to get a part in the movie, she later had a sex change, put on a few hundred pounds and went to work as the puppet for the Saw movies Jester would like to play a game with you. The game is, count how many poot-shooters 6 Pooter has? PinDick thinks it might be 11? Sometimes these ugly little fuckers are just hideous to look at Blade's initial reaction to the question, "Why do you look so much like a miniature version of Michael Myers"? Taken seconds before Blade titled his head to the side for a minute, then stabbed the fuck out of the reporter asking it. The puppets get more realistic every sequel they make Just like Jesus, they see you when you masturbate

  Horror films  

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