Silent Hill: Homecoming

“I only peed my proverbial pants this time because of all the drinks I needed to get through it.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Wow, it's me, just even more insufferable.”

~ Joshua Wilson, Rule of Rose, on Joshua Shepherd

“I stopped watching my own work after the first movie.”

~ Pyramid Head

Where am I, man? No, really. Where am I?! This isn't Silent Hill. This isn't even South freaking Ashfield! And yet I woke up in Alchemilla...even though it's a general hospital, and there's already a mental institution in the same town. And the truck driver from last game was actually in that town, and can attest to its bullheckery, yet he's comfortable dropping me off anywhere near there. But I can handle it. I'm a soldier.

Silent Hill: Homecoming is a misleading title. My home also isn't in Silent Hill. My mom says I don't know anything about Silent Hill, actually. To be fair, I don't think the devs did, either. But they gave me this sweet cargo jacket and this Army flashlight, so they're cool. ...Did I mention I'm a soldier?

Plot

A plot? Well,...o-okay. I'm not used to this explification stuff, so sorry if it sucks. Which, it will, because I totally wasn't trained in monologuing at boot camp...you know, where I learned how to be a soldier and all that...yeah...

Well, you know how 2 dealt with the guilt and lust aspects of Jacob's Ladder, and 3 dealt with the grief and subway-scene aspects? Well, this game is just full-on Jacob's Ladder. It even has an ending where I die and make peace with it. But that's a soldier's death, so whatevs.

So I QTE'd myself free from the operation table I was restrained to, and I fought this big ol' busty nurse that one-cupped the nurses before it. I saw my kid brother Josh in that dream hospital, doing coloring books, and he wouldn't talk to me until I gave him his Robbie doll. He's 14—what does he want plushies or crayons for? And Dad said I was silly. Anyway, he was calling me a baka, so I went and fetched his frickin' doll like a good onii-chan. I stuck my arm into this gigantic vagina dentata in the wall, because James Sunderland, right? (I hope Konami doesn't expect me to keep doing this shtick...) Except it actually closes on my arm and does this buzzy-grindy thing. My arm's fine, though. Oh, and I got the rabbit.

I brought it to Josh, to make up for getting him killed be his "friend"...and the little cuck walks away! Then I heard Pyramid Head (except we're not supposed to call him that, due to an office compromise) grinding a swole version of my combat knife which, again, I got as a soldier; so I hightailed it to the elevator. I closed the doors, but–typical Pyramid Head–he stuck it in anyway.

Then I woke up, and I was in this old dude's tractor-tr—you know what, I told you this, so let's skip to the present.

My mom's paralyzed by sadness from the chest down; my brother's gone, and so's my dad. (He was a soldier, too.) I do find my childhood friend Elle, though; and her mother, hot Dahlia Judge Holloway. I also do a brief stint in the sheriff's holding cell: that is, until I make up some half-baked story to Deputy Forest Whitaker Wheeler about the monsters, and he believes me. (Big conspiracy-theory nut, by the way. Not that anything in the game will tell you.) I wall-clip through the sewers, where I find Elle...for some reason...and we play Door Simulator for a while, until she pulls an Ashley Graham and we get separated.

I continue looking for my brother, only to watch both the mayor and the family doctor get destroyed by their monsters of kids. No, seriously, they're monsters. I beat 'em up good, though—because, you know, I'm a soldier—but I black out both times and end up in movie Silent Hill. You know, the Centralia ripoff with ash instead of snow? As if the fandom needed the casuals any more confused...

Well, I go to the movie hotel in the movie town, where the cult secretly worships, but they only look like the movie cult. They attack me with their movie pickaxes; but like the soldier I am, I crack open their movie skulls, and they make constipated sounds through their movie gas masks as they die. I go back underground and I find a cool stabby key. I come back home with it, but the cult knocks me out and kidnaps my catatonic mom.

Right after she started showing emotion, too...

I wake up to a freaky version of the house, and sit opposite my dad in a confession booth. It's so awkward. He goes on about how I was dropped on the head as a baby, and how he took my mother to an acid-dropping party while I was in the womb; but nothing about my sad childhood. I ditch the house and meet up with Elle and Wheeler. We decide this place is too much of a freakshow, so we hijack a motorboat and head off to vacation in a nice, quiet little resort town...Silent Hill.

Characters

• Me: A soldier. Has mommy and daddy issues, but doesn't go killing random women like some people.
• Turdbucket: Sometimes goes by "Joshua." Somehow Mom and Dad's favorite.
• Older, creepy, alien-looking Laura from SH2: Supposed to be my love interest, but the SH wiki says I'm gay. Totally explains the boobs and vaginas everywhere.
• Totally not Forest Whitaker: The only person to not bleed to death after having three knives yanked out of major arteries.
• Red Forman: Never put his foot up me, but he hates me all the same.
• Depressed mom: She cares too much. Also, she doesn't care at all. Probably watched too many Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercials. Still finds time for abdominal stretches, though.
• BITCH!: Hotter than the daughter.
• Evil Travis: BITCH!'s henchman. He wants me dead, but he gave me a functioning gun.

Monsters

• Bogeyman: This is NOT Pyramid Head. He is a totally original creation, and has never appeared in a game or movie before Homecoming.
• Bubble-Chest Nurse: Also an original, definitely non-derivative creature. See above.
• Raving Figure: Drinks glowstick juice and does diesel-exhaust whippits in its spare time.
• X-Ray Doggo: Does a hooman fren a dang charge and a heckin bamboozle.