Why?:Buy a Cereal-o-Matic
Always remember our motto, caveat emptor, the customer is always right, or something.
You wake up in the morning. You take a shower. You brush your teeth. Business as usual. Everything goes just fine and dandy until you go to eat breakfast. You enter your kitchen and decide that a hearty bowl of cereal is just the thing to start the day, but then you stop: you would have to walk all the way to your cupboard, open it, get out the box, go to your other cabinet, get a bowl, go to your utensil drawer, get a spoon, go to your fridge, get some milk, pour the cereal, pour the milk, put the spoon in the bowl, and sit down before you can finally eat anything. Who has time for all that? You don't, because thinking your way through that list of cereal-preparing steps took seventeen minutes and you're already running late. You rush to your car to drive to your job at the local All-You-Can-Eat Cereal Buffet, with a stomach completely devoid of cerealy goodness.
Is this you? Yes. Yes it is. Does it have to be? Not anymore! Introducing the Cereal-o-Matic by ImpractiCo.™, a revolutionary new product specifically designed for the strapped-for-time cereal consumer. With this handy machine, enjoying a bowl of the good stuff is as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-error-error-overload!
It's So Easy To Use!
With the Cereal-o-Matic, preparing a bowl of your favorite delicious cereal is a breeze! It's almost entirely ready to use right out of the box! All you have to do is harness the oxen (included, not guaranteed to be alive on arrival) to the treadwheel at the base of the included ImpractiCo.™-brand Oil Well (some assembly required, missing pieces sold separately). By turning this large, gear-like device, the oxen spin a drill that burrows deep into the earth, until it strikes an oil deposit. You then simply have to reharness the oxen in the other direction to withdraw the drill bit, replace the drill with the pipeline, and reverse the oxen again. Connect the pipeline to your ImpractiCo.™-brand Tanker Truck, and it won't might should will fill up automatically. (WARNING: Do not use oil as substitute for gasoline in truck. Do not use gasoline as fuel in truck. ImpractiCo.™ engines are extremely dangerous and unreliable. Pushing the truck is highly recommended.)
It's Incredible How Easy It Is!
"Drive" the truck to your ImpractiCo.™-brand Oil Refinery and Processing Plant (sold separately), and follow the simple instruction booklet (also sold separately) to turn the crude oil into an industrial-grade or better fuel. There are numerous possible substances that can be derived from crude oil, and it's up to you to decide which one is safe you prefer. Use the tanker truck to take the processed oil back to the Cereal-o-Matic box, and unpack the pre-assembled ImpractiCo.™-brand Blast Furnace (may not actually be included; if so, extensive assembly required). The ImpractiCo.™ Blast Furnace is the latest innovation in our line of metallurgical refinement technology, and is naturally a vital component in the preparation of cereal. Don't fret, it's 100% not un-antiguaranteed not to not explode and kill you. Straightforward and user-friendly, you'll be using your new Blast Furnace to smelt the impurities out of ingots of iron ore (not included) in no time flat!
So Easy Even Your Dog Could Attempt To Do It!
Now unpack the Cereal-o-Matic casing and open it up. On the inside there is a parrot with a number strapped to its leg sitting on a perch next to a cubic metal device near the top, and a large, empty space below. We at ImpractiCo.™ believe that personalization is the key to creating a successful product, so we left this space for you! All you have to do is design a complex system of gears, pistons, and other machinery in this space that will somehow charge the box-shaped device next to your parrot. Use the included ImpractiCo.™-brand steel hammer and diamond-tipped chisel (only while supplies last, plastic fork and knife will be included should stock run out) to carve the ImpractiCo.™-brand casting molds based on your design. Use your molten iron to forge the parts in the molds, and fit them into the Cereal-o-Matic.
Wow, This Is Easy!
Now operate whatever it was you built until a tiny LED on the metal device starts blinking (this should take between twelve and twenty-five days, depending on how good of a blacksmith you are). Now simply tell the parrot what cereal you want, and it will fly away. The parrot's journey will take as little as a few days (and as much as several years, providing that the parrot even survives). Supposing When the parrot arrives at the ImpractiCo.™ home office, it will tell a trained cereal-handling professional what cereal you want. The professional will then input the number attached to the parrot into our patented state-of-the-art ImpractiCo.™ computer system (may or may not be a short-wave radio with glitter on it), which will transmit a command to your Cereal-o-Matic's blinking device, which should be fully charged by this point. The device, which is actually an ImpractiCo.™-brand hydrogen bomb, will then detonate, completely annihilating everything in a four-kilometer radius. The cereal-handler will be watching the news for such an event, and will mail your selected cereal to wherever it should occur. Eight to ten weeks later, you'll be enjoying a delicious bowl of your favorite cereal, without the hassle of preparing it yourself. It's as simple as that.
Hear What Some People Who Already Bought One Have To Say
By some freak of coincidence, all but two of the 11 people who have ordered a Cereal-o-Matic have died in terrible non-Cereal-o-Matic-related disasters for which ImpractiCo.™ is not liable in any way. The first of the two survivors, who orders Cereal-o-Matics regularly, is apparently a terrorist wanted for several bombing attacks in numerous countries and could not be found for an interview. The other, Mr. Frank Gulliberg, was invited to the main office to speak about this wonderful new product:
Frank: "I was away on business when I was told that half my hometown was destroyed in some sort of horrible bombing disaster! I lost everything...my wife...my (sob) two children...my home...everything! (sob)...Why? WHY, GOD? WHAT DID I DO? What did I do? What did...I... (incoherent sobbing)."
ImpractiCo.™ Representative: "Yesiree, that's the Cereal-o-Matic at work. And it sounds like your unit works like a charm!"
F: "(sobbing)...wha...what?"
IR: "Your Cereal-o-Matic, sir. That was our patented cereal-preparing technology doing its job to bring you a hassle-free bowl of your favorite breakfast."
F: "Cereal-o-...Yes, I remember! That damned parrot box! I spent weeks toiling at oil refineries and iron foundries, all to have a stupid bird fly away on me when—wait...are...are you telling me...that ridiculous machine..."
IR: "Killed your family and destroyed everything you knew and loved? You betcha! It allowed you to receive your bowl of cereal without having to—"
F: "I'll kill you. I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU, YOU HEAR ME? I'LL KILL—"
Mr Gulliberg was escorted off the premises, but he later apologized for his little outburst by sending the company one of our own Cereal-o-Matics, which arrived pre-armed for cereal delivery, showing just how much he loves this amazing new invention. And it can be yours, too!
Price and Ordering Information
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Why? This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's? |
Now, any smart consumer would probably think that such an incredible device costs upwards of $1,000, and we at ImpractiCo.™ are all about providing for the smart consumer, so we agree with that notion. For the low, low price of $7,000, your days of cereal-related hassles will be over! Not convinced? With our trial offer, you can send us the full listed price in exchange for a 30-day lease on a Cereal-o-Matic. If you like it, just send us the full listed price again, and you'll be allowed to keep your Cereal-o-Matic. If you don't like it, just send it back, and we will refund every penny of the shipping and handling fees. And every Cereal-o-Matic comes with our six-month guarantee: if you don't receive your cereal in less than eight months, you'll get a 10% discount on purchasing a replacement! As an added bonus, you don't have to pay any taxes on it because the government doesn't even know we exist!
Just send your check or money order to: ImpractiCo.™ Home Offices, 1 Dark Alley Behind the Bank St., somewhere in Michigan, PO Box AEIOU and sometimes Y, or call toll-free-free at 1-800-BAD-IDEA to place an order.
ImpractiCo.™ does not actually have a trademark, copyright, or any other form of legal ownership of anything we make or do. The only person on staff who knew how to handle such a matter was arrested for violently accosting several senior citizens at a shopping mall with claims that "the sky is falling." Please do not steal our ideas. Please?
Disclaimer: Do not, under any circumstances, purchase this product. It is a tremendous waste of time and money and it will kill you if you try to use it.
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