Mona Lisa
“She Laughed like a Camel and Farted like a Donkey, that Enigmatic smile every brags on about, Wind.”
“Your Mother!”
“UR MUDDAH!!”
“She was my first and last female-love now am doing young upstage boys! (they know who they are)”
“Oh my...what a lovely frame!”
“Oh Draconian Devil! Oh Lame Saint!”
“I created the original.”
Mona-i mounted your mother-Lisa (1497-1602) was a world famous extortionist, perhaps best known for his novel "The DaVinci Code". Lisa was born on July 21st, 1497 in Naples, Italy but was relocated to Bavaria shortly after his second birthday with his younger brother Moaner Lisa (still just a fetus) due to religious persecution and the threat of excommunication by Pope Lucifer VI.
Afflicted by the same debilitating disease as Stephen Hawking, in later life Mr. Lisa was often mocked by cruel children for his distorted facial features. The results of this disease left Mona with an unsettling smile much like the Joker's. In the 1999 box office hit Mona Lisa Does Dallas, Hollywood chose to largely ignore the many good books the author produced, focusing instead primarily on his condition. When asked for the reason behind this, producer Tim Burton stated "Because man, have you seen the dude's head?"
This statement resulted in a public wailing and stern written warning from such special interest groups as NAMBLA.
Because he was a conservative Communist, Mr. Lisa's eyebrows were burnt off with incinerated pig hairs at a very young age, compounding his countenancetic predicament.
Mona Lisa was thought to regularly attend the late-night lesbian bar "the Oval Orifice" with her lesbian girlfriend Liberty (after whom the statue of liberty is named).
The Sexual Controversy Of The Mona Lisa[edit]
When the Mona Lisa, origionally painted as a tribute to the writer Mona Lisa by Bret 'Hitman' Hart, was stolen from him mercilessly by DaVinci, it was first placed in a gallery for old people. This brought light into their lives, tearing the old folk away from Jerry Springer goes Naked and being able to stare at the wonders of the Mona Lisa. Its sister, the pineapple, soon joined her.
After many artists came and saw the paintings, drawing moustaches and monobrows on her face and using it as toilet roll in the communal bog where the extra brown colours were not noticed, one artist, I. P Freely stumbled across this magnificent piece of paint and poo and died. Soon after, a real artist, I Smell from NotWashin, saw this painting hanging up on the pale yellow wall of the gallery and in excitement hit an old person in the pacemaker, thus giving three more a heartattack. The three then fell like dominos towards other old people, and over 2000 OAP's were eventually killed. He then pillaged to his hearts content and bought the painting for a used cough sweet, and copy of gamesmaster and 30p.
It was placed high in the sky, but wouldnt fly so they had to bring it down back into the atmosphere, killing millions on the way. It was placed beside a bin, next to the Hutton Gallery. No one really appreciated it apart from the twenty thousand hobos and other folk living in these dustbins. One man enjoyed the painting so much, it inspired him to become a football mega star. Unfortunately, his head exploded.
After years of being looked at and then wiped at someones butt crack, Mona finally had enough and became a vampire, starring in the CBBC show 'Mona the Vampire', but after a naked balloon fight with Take That at the Grammys. No one minded about this, and one man stated it brightened the place up; her career ended and she was back as a painting.
Hanging back in the Poo and Wee museum of natural excretion, she reverted to her old bitchy ways; obnoxious, doing many cheesy pirate pornos and being generally homophobic to any passerby's. One such time a mega super ninja monkey pirate millionaire of doom was passing, and the Mona commented on his pants, or lack of pants, and he freaked and shot her in the eye. She was badly wounded and died later than day. Police arrested the mega super ninja monkey pirate millionaire of doom for the charges of murder, eating with his mouth open, liking Elton John and having sex with the painting. Other than these facts, police were baffled about why the Mega Super Ninja Monkey Pirate Millionaire Of Doom had actually attacked and assaulted the painting. With a case of lack of evidance and police stupidity, the Mega Super Ninja Monkey Pirate Millionaire Of Doom was allowed to go free and molest other famous paintings.
The Marx Connection[edit]
A 1972 study by the London School of Artistic Autistics costing £5,872, paid for in part by viewers like you, used spectral mona ovational analysis to conclude that there is no physical resemblance between Mona Lisa and Karl Marx. In 2001, this study was peer reviewed by the New York University, Stern School of Business and the results found to be completely valid.
In 2007 studies by the Liden & Denz Russian Language School and Berlin School of Creative Leadership put the findings into question and by "using the absolute best morphing technology that could be found for free on-line in ten minutes" were able to independently prove there "may or may not be a physical connection between the two subjects."
Notable works[edit]
- The DaVinci Code
- Les Miserables
- That weird four-armed naked guy in the circle
- Prototypes of the modern-day airplane
- Blueprints for the modern day Yo momma joke (Thine mothere birthed thou, wretche!)
- The Importance of Being Earnest
- Better Sex with the Golden Equation
- The ♠ and ∫ symbols
- Several scripts for episodes of Family Matters
- Huckle Berry Hound
- Beavis and Butthead
- The Empire Strikes Back
- The Bible
End note[edit]
Mona Lisa loves to read Harry potter books. At night, she leaps out of the painting and fights crime as the Orgasmer. Mona Lisa has had plastic surgery 17 times, 9 of which were sucessful, and she stays at Neverland with Michael Jackson
