Feminism

"Obstructing women’s rights these days is the best thing to do"

Feminism is a movement aimed at promoting disparity between the sexes in the political, social and economic spheres. Whereas male domination had almost achieved equal rights for women, subsequent waves of feminism have managed to overturn them, by placing women in charge of everything they were most likely to ruin, including their sexuality, the academia and Hollywood.

Feminist teachings[edit]

The international flag of feminism.

Feminism has many teachings, which the Church of Academia and Hollywood preaches and which are transmitted to college students through the courses of the Holy Gender Studies. Some feminist teachings have become prominent due to media attention, the media itself being prone to the teachings of feminism.

For instance, the feminist teachings on human bodies are divided into two main categories: body positivity and intersectional pansexual genderqueer theory.

The first, so-called body positivity, is an outright denial of science. Body positivity postulates that, instead of there being two scientifically objective and accurate types of bodies--"good" and "overweight" (or "obese")--and that the owners of "overweight" bodies should be publicly shamed into becoming normal or good, body shaming is actually harmful and society ought to love overweight bodies as a different expression of beauty. Thence, body positive feminists attempt to educate all the children with images and films of overweight nudity, which, as science finds, actually hampers their intellectual development. Non-overweight body positive feminists also attempt to lead by example, which has led to an explosion of bulimia rates among Americans, highly correlating with the explosion in feminist teachings. Such teachings deny the evident benefit of body shaming, ignoring the fact that few of overweight people who had been publicly shamed have stayed overweight--or stayed alive, at all. This only further demonstrates that body positive feminists are not in the least committed to a construction of a healthy, exercising society filled with beautiful blonde blue-eyed individuals.

Intersectional pansexual genderqueer theory postulates that any sexual intercourse that is not a pansexual orgy is an act of sexual domination, sexual division of labor, sexual oppression, sexual exploitation as well as sexual marginalisation of genderqueer pansexual minorities. Attempts at engaging in a non-oppressive sexual intercourse are further complicated by the fact that the mere presence or image of male genitalia is considered oppressive and hence "haram" by the Church's of Academia standards, unless it is displayed or utilised--and only very briefly--by an oppressed transgender person.

There again, feminism contradicts objective peer-reviewed scientific literature, which has frequently demonstrated how penises were not only necessary for procreation and sexual pleasure, but were also simply quite beautiful, as evidenced by the fact that men with the most handsome dicks have been chosen by evolution to preserve mankind. Science-denialist anti-evolutionary feminists are thence beginning to destroy penis statues worldwide.

The early campaigners for the vote: The Lollagettes[edit]

In the early 1900s when feminists campaigned for the vote (lollage), much violence occurred. Certain feminists were simply not aroused enough by the 'peaceful' regime which involved the frequent molestation of the most senior prime ministers! They broke away from the NUWSS (Naked udderless women seeking sexuality) and became the WSPU (Whale sex pornography unlimited). Demanding their right to vote (suffrage) but for women known as lollage, they were names the Lollagettes.

Even though women received the vote after publicly memorizing the first five letters of the alphabet in 1993, to this day a number of blonde lollagettes still campaign...

A great British Prime Minister once said: 'Want to hear a joke? Female Rights!'

Also Lollagettes react badly to the phrase 'manual labor', screaming that it is sexist to assume that labor can only be done by men. However it comes from the Latin 'manus' meaning hand. Don't dare use the word, or your spellchecker will call you a woman-hating misogynist. So will your secretary.

Menstruation[edit]

Captain Carly, better known as Leslie, is a strong supporter of the feminist movement since he became one in 1819, he was the first boy to become a girl and turn into a feminist.

Serious objections have been raised to this name, because of its male based first syllable. New suggestions are womenstruation, girlstruation, lesbstruation, bleedingbitchstruation and wecontrolallmendoasyouaretoldstruation, "Frustration" also works. When it was pointed out that the root of the word was not actually men but menstrus - which is Latin for "month," the feminists killed 17 men in retaliation. Hence the universal reluctance to criticize feminist-logic and the axiom upon which it is grounded: Any statement that precedes the phrase 'Because of Patriarchy' shall, in all contexts, be understood to be true

The natural flowing of blood from a woman's body once monthly shows how in tune women are with nature, how they feel the lunar cycles intuitively, and as we all know from TV ads, how a woman can become a superb athlete at that 'time of the month' and can often be seen rollerblading, parachuting, swimming, hang-gliding, and running on the beach in white pants. In ancient Tibet, men used to believe that the best way to combat PMS was to put the offending woman into a little box, just big enough for her to breathe, until she calmed down; these men never had the God-given grace of having a penis afterward.

Feminist Theology[edit]

A typical feminist.

“All men are rapists and that's all they are.”
~ Marilyn French

Feminists have, like jews, 10 commandments in which all feminists must swear are true before becoming an accepted believer.

Men do not have 10 times as much testosterone as women.
Men are socially constructed.
Men are assholes.
Witchcraft is safer and more reliable than math and science.
Lesbianism can conjure up babies (but only females).
Women having total power is equal.
Males and females are not of the same species
Penises are puppets of Satan.
False rape/stalking/gay allegations are a mighty sword feminists are proud to wield.
Beyoncé CAN beat Superman in a bout of fisticuffs.

These Ten Commandments were revealed to ancient feminists by the (obviously) female prophet "Joses", "which is where men who killed Joses got their name for Jesus and Moses, both hopeless rapists, as all men are."

Feminists also claim that heaven was on Earth and the world was completely sexless and peaceful after the all creating Mother banished Adam to his room for tricking the innocent Eve into masturbating with an apple. However, Adam was soon let out and joined with the devil, causing destruction and sexual desires all across the world. The only way to repent, feminists say, is to "give your wife the male position" and let her rape your ass till' the Earth will nova in 2012.

“When a woman reaches orgasm with a man she is only collaborating with the patriarchal system, eroticizing her own oppression...”
~ Sheila Jeffrys

Herstory[edit]

Feminists will steal your penis and put it in a jar. Just like they did to Rasputin. They will also touch it, too.

Feminists believe that men have dominated history, and women have been ignored, with few exceptions. Their response is to reclaim history as herstory and show the world the importance of women. Again - do not try to point out the flawed logic of this idea, as 'history' is in fact derived from the Greek/Latin historias meaning knowledge or learning - nothing whatsoever to do with men.

The first person on the moon is now Nellie Armstrong, and the most famous leader of Rome is now Julie Caesar. Gloria Steinem and Rosie O'Donnell are now to be thought of as male.

Women believe that men having oppressed them throughout is history is the main reason that they are not represented in the history books but the real reason is that nobody wants to listen to your stupid problems.

Mainstream herstorians widely regard "history" as "utter bullcrap," as women have yet to prove themselves capable of anything outside of their traditional roles of "baking and baby-making," and it is unlikely that any such event has ever occurred. It is worth pointing out due to female failure in their two traditional pursuits, they are about as "valuable to society as a bicycle to a fish."

If Rosie O is not only human but male, we'll have to give Mao his penis back.

Origin[edit]

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Feminism.

Modern Feminism was originally put forward as a joke in ancient Greek times by Ironicles, a philosopher and close friend of Aristotle, and after whom we have the English word irony, a joke nobody understands. Ironicles presented the idea as a satirical view of a society out of control, stating "where the women feel beauty is wrong, where the horses ride women, and who the hell invited the reindeer?" (See: Soviet Russia). The confusion over the last point was recently cleared up when evidence was found of an audience member (most likely Popsicles) proclaiming "get the stupid sod off, she's been on the wine again....tosspot." It is rumored that 115 years later, the great Testicles was castrated by a rabid feminist, released into the Colosseum too early. Apparently, Greek culture had a great influence on Saxons as well.

Oops, somebody fell in again! Naughty, naughty girl...

Many people believe that the first mainstream popularity of feminism was the fight for female suffrage, in the late 19th century. However, recent scientific evidence points to an almost full adoption of the female empowerment in a small middle eastern area. After a short but bloody massacre, the area was overthrown by an all female government, to date the only such ever known. As their first law, they declared that sex was a criminal offense, punishable by castration. The result was the total extinction of the population in just a single generation. The evidence comes not just in early documents, but also in the fact that the halls of government unearthed were thought to be the only ones where the carpets and curtains matched, and the furniture was frequently moved around "to see how it would look."

Feminism really took off in the late 1800s and early 1900s, where women, bored of the excruciating, grueling work of dusting and cooking, felt they were somehow entitled to the cushy, relaxing work in the fields and the mines like men. In the campaign, the subject of the ability to vote was also fought for. Contrary to popular belief, early supporters of the movement didn't call themselves feminists, but instead Fighters Against Totally Controlling Housewives, Inhome Carers and Kinder Schuten, (a German phrase in common use at the time meaning child bearers). Many people know the story of Emily Wilding Davison, who threw herself under the king's horse in the 1913 epsom derby, yet in actuality she was trying to get to parliament so she could protest, and had simply gotten lost. She was pronounced "Blonde" at the scene.

An alternative theory has been postulated by some thinkers who wish to remain nameless, for fear of lynching by groups of feminists. This theory suggests that feminism as a whole was created by the great industrialists of the 19th and 20th centuries, primarily the Rothschilds, in order to decrease male understanding of women even further and encourage the destruction of male-female relations by creating another irrational dogma for women to shriek at their husbands/boyfriends about. This would then precipitate the attitude of 'I don't know what the hell you're on about bitch, fuck it I'm going to work' thus improving productivity in all factories and institutions owned by the industrialists. Feminists strongly deny this, as it would conclusively prove (once again) that men are WAY smarter than women.

Feminist characteristics[edit]

Feminism, as you can probably tell, is an extremely stereotyped movement that has stereotyped other people and yet is strongly critical of stereotypes. Which is considered by many to be operated wholly and solely on industrialized Misandry.

The typical feminist is characterized by a short haircut, unshaven legs and/or armpits, over-weight by at least 20 pounds, a strong hatred of men, an even stronger hatred of thin, beautiful women and all things pertaining to males ... but all the while inwardly craving-more than anything-to be a man them-self. They aim to eliminate the female stereotype, only to eventually replace it with the male one, not to mention that its total Hypocrisy. Most feminists are known to pose in front of a mirror while brandishing a soda bottle, hair brush or fire extinguisher as their pseudo-penis. Ergo the conclusion is that feminism is the enemy and must be destroyed because like the klan they only have love for their own collective.

“We Goddess females tower above all you male drones, because we are far more superior!”

First, Second, And Third-Wave Feminism[edit]

First-Wave Feminism was about getting rights to exchange cooking recipes freely, and quietly attend "boys club" meetings in the town meeting hall that mostly consisted in waiting in line for a few hours, followed by hiding in a box for several minutes. First Wave feminism lasted roughly fourteen days, sometime around the late-early 1900's. The second wave of feminism, technically known as "the second wave of feminism", was for the right to make lesbian pornography. And finally, third-wave feminism, which is modern feminism, is about nothing at all. Since women now technically have all the same rights as a man does, the feminist movement of modern days does not aim for any general goal. A famous writer once said, "Feminism is like a large bowl of tartar sauce, ja. The longer you leave it out, the more it begins to solidify." Third Wave feminists advocate for the rights to receive more money from men, whether it be in the form of a larger paycheck, alimony, child support and enforcement actions, more political campaign money, or a larger shopping allowance. Meanwhile, men are also requesting these same rights.

Secret Feminist Societies (and where to find them)[edit]

There are strict guidelines to becoming a feminist.

Since women became all antsy and decided that being totally lez with each other was much more fun than knitting and cooking for their husbands, many underground clubs have been created to facilitate their unnatural activities. The existence of Feminist Societies has been illegal since Germaine Greer opened her big yap and told everyone that she was a feminist (this of course was a lie, as everyone knows Germaine Greer was such a grotsky bitch that no man would touch her with a ten foot mop). So if you think you may be a feminist (God help you), then you should probably join an SFS. To find one, just hop along to one of the following and say the magic words, “turkey baster, anyone?”:

The Bitches Templar. This society often meets deep in the woods, in caves, or in Masonic temples, depending on the weather.
Your local all girls hockey or roller-derby team.
Whores in Black Clothing. You can usually identify them by their white full-face makeup, dyed hair, tall black boots, and taste for gloomy music and decorations. They often hold their meetings in "Hot Topic" stores.
The Lucky Cow (one of the most powerful societies in the fight to promote ~~lezzos~~ feminists. Uses the guise of vegetarian food van that also serves espresso drinks). Closely affiliated with the "How Now Green Cow" society.
The NWA (the National Womens Association). Most executives are members of the Secret Society "The Frying Pan Swing", which also runs a dance club.
The Mysterious Incestuous League of Fems ( or better known as "The M.I.L.F.'s"). They also sponsor a sports team known as "The Cougars".
The Rosie Riveters Union.
The Sisterhood of Male Bashers (a women's league baseball team, known for drawing faces with mustaches and beards on their baseballs in rehearsal games).
The YWCA (like the YMCA but for lesbians and not queer guys).
Lesbos Island. The biggest celebration of the year here is the annual Drag Racing festival. Dr. Frank-N-Furter has been known to crash parties regularly here, especially showings of the The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Fortunately, he usually disappears via alien abduction after about 2 hours.
Orwell Feminism, the sub-movement of Feminism responsible for the disintegration of Misandry from 2025-2033, during the "Femi Misandry Wars".
International Society of Women Scouts. Sells mugs, and pastries and cakes made from crushed mint cookies.

Feminist Logic[edit]

The feminist dream realized?

In PFL (propositional feminist logic), there are uncountably many truth-values to sentential operators, making PFL an incredibly difficult logic to navigate for law-abiding, rational males. Feminists typically have an innate ability to understand PFL, known as “female intuition”. Here we will look at the truth-tables for the conjunction and conditional operators, using the three most widely occurring truth-values, “True”, “False” and “Asking for it”. When a proposition is asking for it, for all practical uses it is true, but in a court of law is rendered false. Note how another nine truth-values are generated from our first three, resulting in an endless cycle of chaos and bullshit.

In QFL (quantificational feminist logic), Femininists do not use the universal quantifier, $\forall x$ , because it was invented by Bertrand Russell, a notorious womanizer. Instead they use O because it resembles both the vagina and the Circle of Life that can only exist through the struggles of womankind. It is a recurring theme in feminist logic that they essentially want all the perks of leading a society without the responsibility. For example, they want to be able to vote, but they don't want to register for the draft. Except for the Dixie Chicks, who are famous for hating men.

Advocates of QFL usually assert the existence of the following tautology, known as the Feminist Axiom. (FA)

Ox $[Fx\to Gx]$

For all x, if x is female then x is good.

By using the FA, Feminist logicians have managed to restart the project of Descartes, providing a solid foundation for knowledge. Critics of the FA assert that it is nothing more than a prejudiced assumption made by lesbians because without it there is no reasonable defence for women to have human rights.

"Wonder Woman. The woman who keeps on running, never looking back, because she dare not, out of shame."