Girl Scouts
In the late Nineteenth century, Lieutenant-General Robert Baden-Powell was a rising star of the British military; successfully slaughtering unarmed Matabele women in Rhodesia and gunning down Ashanti toddlers in the Gold Coast before his career stuttered when a posting to Malta.
“I was clear that I couldn’t turn the Maxim guns on Christians, even Catholics. Not while they were such enthusiastic subjects of the British Crown, anyway. I tried stirring things up -printing pro-independence leaflets, organising passive resistance, chalking the walls pictures of Her Majesty with a great hairy member – that sort of thing. But it was no good. The Maltese burned the leaflets, turned up for work and saluted Her Majesty and her enormous erection without even laughing. I had to take up shooting dolphins in the harbour to relieve the frustration.”
Fortunately for Baden-Powell, the Empire and humanity, an unpromising posting to South Africa was rewarded with a vicious civil war. And it was during this conflict that he became the commander of the British garrison during one of the major engagements of the The Anglo-Boer War, the Siege of Mafeking, (now Mafikeng, formerly Mafeknig, Amfekeng and Gnekifam). This engagement, claimed as a victory by both sides at the time, is now viewed as a stalemate; with British forces unable to break out from their fortified position due to the deadly accuracy of the Boer infantry’s rifle fire, and Boer forces unable to take Mafeking due to the sheer number of British officers frantically apologising for causing a scene.
During the siege Baden-Powell noted how young Tswana boys made themselves useful to the soldiers. For the price of a bite to eat or the release of their relatives from custody, the boys would cheerfully carry messages, fetch water and have their heads blown off by snipers.
The success of this defence made Baden-Powell became a hero of the British popular press. On his return home, he used his celebrity to convince 21 families to allow their sons to accompany him on a camping on Brownsea Island, following the pilgrimage of St Pederast - a Medieval holy man known as the English Pied Piper and for being the very first signature on the British Sex Offenders’ Register.
The camp was a success, and subsequently Baden-Powell wrote the book Scouting for Boys. The book sought to outline a method for an "instruction in good citizenship", and covered topics such as tracking, signalling, ethnic cleansing, cooking, exterminating wildlife and extracting mineral rights from native leaders with firewater and threats. Soon boys began to organise themselves into Patrols and Troops, calling themselves "Boy Scouts", and attempting to storm the Channel Ferry ports in the hope of avenging the Hundred Years War. Girls bought the book as well and formed themselves into Patrols of Girl Scouts, while some girls and boys formed mixed Patrols, so scandalising the Archbishop of Canterbury, The Most Reverend Tonto Grunt, that the first twenty female recruits were burned at the stake having first been scourged with their own entrails.
Despite this initial set back, girls still sought out Baden-Powell for encouragement, advice and spare change in return for sitting on his knee. Eventually, it was decided that the presence of girls in mixed troops would make it impossible for Boy Scouts to concentrate on learning how to light fires, to tie knots and to insert themselves in each other. Consequently, a sister organisation was needed. It was time, said Lady Baden-Powell, for The Girl Guides (Girl Scouts in North America) to take a bow.
Mission Statement[edit]
The official mission statement, according to the Girl Scout website, is to build girls of courage, confidence, and character. In order to achieve this, the Girl Scouts plan on increasing waist-lines of the rest of the world through the use of cookies, which they believe will allow the lardier in their ranks to feel better about themselves.
In the 1900s, no one had heard of a mission statement but it was felt that the Girl Scouts needed some principles by which the girls involved should live. Lady Baden Powell instigated the Guide Promise, which has lasted with little amendment to the current day. Though country has its own unique promise, Girl Scouts all promise to do their duty to God (to Gods in India, to the benevolence of the universe in Buddhist nations and to Kim Jong-Un in North Korea). They further promise to do their duty to their country (to Kim Jong-Un in North Korea), and to do their duty to keeping to the Guide Law (except where it conflicts with the desires (carnal or otherwise) of Kim Jong-Un).
In addition, Guides are expected to “Be Prepared” – Lady Baden-Powell considering that one role of her organisation was to educate girls for their later role as a wife. Badges for preparedness still exist, with the Depilation Badge, the IUD Badge and the Puts-out-on-First-Date Badge becoming significantly more popular in the Twenty-first Century.
Girls are also expected to do a “Good Turn” each day – to avoid prosecution for soliciting, the Good Turn should be done without being asked and without for payment. This explains why Girl Scouts are often found hanging around truck-stops, and can be frequently seen knocking on strangers’ doors asking them to taste their cookies.
The Guide Sign is also common to all nations. On meeting another Girl Scout, three fingers are held in the air to indicate readiness for action and to reduce nearby teenage boys to fits of hysterical, frustrated laughter. Despite repeated, unsubstantiated and sickening suggestions as to its origin, there is nothing sexual in the display of three fingers. It stands for the three parts of The Promise, and is used when renewing The Promise, receiving a badge or doing a Good Turn for another Guide. But not that type of Good Turn.
In 1999, World Guiding successful prosecuted Hustler Magazine for linking the need to adopt a lefthanded handshake with this supposed use of the three fingers of the right hand.
Issues Regarding Child labor[edit]
When the UN banned the use of child labor, the Girl Scouts were devastated. They were forced to lay off 99.9% of their workforce, infuriating the organization's stock holders. They attempted to hire an adult workforce, but their marketing tactics were at a flaw due to the inferior levels of innocence and cuteness when compared to the child saleswomen, who could flawlessly sell overpriced cookies just by blinking twice and saying "please". Since then they have resorted to a voluntary unpaid internship, and have made record breaking profits thanks to the elimination of wages and parents who think that this internship will make their girl a better person.
Official product line[edit]
The Official Product line of cookies produced by Girl Scouts worldwide:
- Thin mints: Pure chocolate mixed with toothpaste. Incredibly delicious.
- Peanut Butter Sandwiches: Hardened oatmeal mixed with peanut butter. Also delicious.
- Peanut Butter Patties: Old, expired Reese's Peanut Butter Cups™ mixed with vanilla. Scrum-diddly-umptious.
- Shortbreads: Cookies made to look like company logo. Meh.
- Samoas: Cookies shaped like life preserver rings. Pretty dang good.
- Shout Outs!: The 'healthy' cookies demanded by parents. Deliberately made nasty to avoid sales that would hinder the rise of our BMIs.
Legacy[edit]
The Girl Scouts have done their job, and done it well. Obesity rates are through the roof! Cars are getting bigger to accommodate, roller coasters feel cramped, and the constant demand for junk food has made sugar cane farmers very wealthy. According the the sugar cane farmers, the Girl Scouts have made the world a better place. A better place, and now a smaller world as people require more room to move about.