Celebrity Advice

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from Celebrity)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
HelloMagazine logo.jpg

"Hola!" magazine was born back in Spain in 1944, and we've been drip-feeding Superstar gossip and inconsequential tittle-tatle to the general public ever since. Even when we launched our successful regional variations such as "Hello!" (English-speaking nations), "Konnichiwa! Genki desu ka? Odaiji ni." (Japan), "Hey Oop!" (Yorkshire) we haven't lost focus on the minutiae of celebrity chit-chat. But people will keep writing in with their problems as if we're Cosmopolitan, or care or something.

Now, with the launch of Hello! on-line we can invest some pixels replying to your more pressing concerns without wasting valuable advertsing space or the opportunity to include another picture of Liz Hurley's New York apartment. And what could be more Hello! than discussing your everyday difficulties with the rich and famous ? In this new page we'll be allowing stars to shine their own light on your mundane crises, encouraging you to see that, if only God had favoured you the way He favoured them, you wouldn't be living in Glasgow anyway, let alone pregnant with your sixth kid by four different fathers!


Last Chance for Love?

Dear Celeb,

I'm a 56 year old widower of ten years. Six months ago a new lady came into my life and I've never been happier and I'm getting married in three weeks. Trouble is my daughter says she'll never speak to me again if I do and my son says I'll be betraying the memory of their mother.

I don't want to upset my kids but they're grown up now and I haven't had sex without paying for it in years. Should I listen to my kids or my heart?


Press here for Celebrity advice.


Am I Going Mad?

Dear Celeb,

This may sound kinda cooky but, when I'm alone in bed at night I hear God's voice. I've never told anyone before in case they thought I was crazy but just recently He's been telling me to do really bad things. I don't know whether to follow His orders and risk being arrested, or ignore them and risk my eternal soul.

Can God really be telling me to do evil?

Disturbed in Denver.

Press here for Celebrity advice.

Kilt - Dec bagpiper.jpg

Alone in Alloa?

Dear Celeb,

I'm a man who loves children but I've never been lucky enough to have any. Now I'm turning sixty I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. The thought keeps me awake at night.

Do you have any advice for a desperate old man?

Gordon McKilt.

Press here for Celebrity advice.


Wasted Talent

Dear Celeb,

I'm a chef. I know I'm talented and I think I could be one of the greats but no one at the five star restaurant where I work takes me seriously at all. I never seem to get to do anything but de-scale Monk Fish and carve carrots. It's so unfair I could scream.

I want to be noticed for my creativity, what can I do to get their attention?

Oliver James.

Press here for Celebrity advice.

Fat banker.jpg

The loneliness of the long-distance merchant banker.

Dear Celeb,

I work for Barclay's Capital. I love being a banker - the work is interesting, the money's obscene and I get to travel all over the world. I know I should be happy but I can't seem to keep a relationship going for more than a few months. Every time I meet someone special I have to jet off to New York or Hong Kong for a month or more and we drift apart.

I don't want to quit my job but women seem to need more commitment than work allows. And that's before I tell them how many "escorts" I'm forced to sleep with just to avoid offending my foreign banker-hosts. How can I get women to see me as a better prospect without quitting my dream career?

So lonely.

Press here for Celebrity advice.

Vicar and tart.jpg

Why hast God forsaken me?

Dear Celeb,

Please help me, I'm a 59 year old divorcée with an addiction to sex. I spend every penny on prostitutes but I'm so obsessed with shagging that I'm barely able to do my job at all any more - even though I only work one day a week. The General Synod of the Church of England are so angry with me they're threatening to stop me being an Archbishop!

What can I do?

R. W.

Press here for Celebrity advice.

Chav girl.jpg

Reputation at Risk?

Dear Celeb,

I'm so unhappy.There are only two things I've always really enjoyed; the company of men and a good time. The trouble is people in my home town of Middlesbrough are starting to gossip about me and I think I'm getting a reputation as a drug-addled tart.

Nobody wants to be known as the town bicycle, especially when there's so much competition in Middlesborough. But I'm not ready to settle down. What should I do?

Press here for Celebrity advice.


Crying beer.jpg

Driven to Drink.

Dear Celeb,

Like a lot of guys I like a drink and sometimes I over do it a bit. My problem is that, when I've had a few too many, I never have the sense to take a taxi home. I've just lost my driving licence for the second time, the haulage company I work for have fired me, I can't pay the mortgage and the bank are threatening to foreclose on me. Now the wife's talking about leaving and taking the kids.

I know it's my own fault but it feels like life's against me. Help!

D. Disorderly, Aberdeen.

Press here for Celebrity advice.

Shoplifting 1111.jpg

Can't Stop Helping Myself.

Dear Celeb,

I have an embarrassing problem. Every time I get home from shopping at Boots I find something in my purse I didn't pay for. I honestly don't know how the stuff gets there. I don't set out to take anything but one day there'll be some rogue lip-gloss, next time it'll be hand-lotion. One day it was a big, old banana!

It's not that I'm short of money and I'm scared that the Police will catch up with me. How can I stop myself?

Light-fingered in Liverpool.

Press here for Celebrity advice.

Fat greek.jpg

Missing the limelight.

Dear Celeb,

When I was younger everyone said I was too handsome! Girls flocked round me like flies round honey, but I wasn't interested. Sometimes it felt like I was having to beat them off with a shitty stick. Now I'm forty and I've put on a few pounds. To be honest, I've started to look like my mad uncle Alessandro.

I suppose my problem is that I miss all the attention now I'm losing my looks. Any advice?


Press here for Celebrity advice.


Battling the Booze.

Dear Celeb,

This'll sound like a familiar story, but I had my first drink as a teenager. Then, when I'd left school and found a job, we used to sink a couple of pints at lunch and a couple more after work. And then every evening we'd swallow a gutful. That all stopped when I got married 'cause I promised the missus I wouldn't drink again.

I meant it too and I stuck to it until the triplets arrived. Three identical mewling, puking shit-machines who never slept. However much I loved them, I needed a drink to get some sleep myself. But a glass of Scotch every night became a half pint, then a whole bottle. Soon it was two bottles of Buckfast with Vodka chassers before bed. I sobered up one morning to find the missus and the bairns gone. You'd think that'd teach me a lesson but I sank even lower - soon I was knocking back bottles of Meths and Drain-Eze, even WKD.

How can I get over my drink problem before I start drinking British wine?


Press here for Celebrity advice.

Crazy neighbors.jpg

Nightmare NextDoor.

Dear Celeb,

My neighbour's driving me crazy and I'm not even sure why. He doesn't play loud music, his garden is immaculate, he never leaves his garbage where the dogs can get at it and he even sends me a Christmas card. But for reason I can't stop spying on him and every time I close my eyes I picture smashing his face in.

I know I'll get into bother if I act on my impulse, but if I bottle it all up I'm afraid things will only get worse. What can I do?


Press here for Celebrity advice.

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 22 June 2011
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.

Template:FA/22 June 2011