Testosterone

Chocolate for Real Men

Testosterone was a brand of male-orientated chocolate developed in Liechtenstein to rival Toblerone. It is composed of 90% sweat glands scrapped off the scrotums of wrestlers, mixed in with sugar and cocoa. The taste is described as 'strong', going on to foolhardy. Side effects are manic behaviour by men imagining they were Stirling Moss of the highway. Not to be confused with the Yorkie for non-nonsense Yorkshire Men or Malteasers, the national dish of Malta. Testosterone remained Liechtenstein's biggest industry after hiding money and the manufacture of nail guns until disaster struck in the late 1990s.

Origins

Fishnet stockings.

The name Testoserone is a combination of 'Testes' and 'Rone', a Liechtenstein dialect word for sweet. It was first produced in 1910, shortly after the market debut of the Toblerone chocolate bar. This triangular shaped confection, looking like the Swiss Alps was a quick success but its flimsy look angered traditional male chocolate eaters. They wanted something more manly to put in their lunchbox. This lead to the creation of the first Testosterone chocolate bar by the Schokolade Liechtenstein company. Its ingredients were kept secret from the general public but then this also true of the sneaky Swiss and their Toblerones. It became the war of chocolate shapes.

The Testosterone bar's lattice look was inspired by the fishnet stockings worn by the dancing girls at the Folies Vaches in Paris. This visit was part of a field trip undertaken by the Schokolade Liechtenstein's chief executive Heinz Schnitzel to the French capital. He was sure this visual link between scantily clad women and the seductive powers of his company's chocolate would better anything the Swiss could produce.

Advertising

The overt masculinity of the Testosterone bar coincided with the age of sports car racing. Though it was rivalled by the advertising appeal of watered down liquor like the Cinzano brand or the Old Socks smell of Gitanes tobacco, the only danger from the Testosterone bar was believed was sweet tooth cavities. As the average life span of even a well fed European was barely 50, this health risk was considered worth it.

Swiss Dominance

Stirling Moss (right) enjoying a last chew of his Testosterone chocolate whilst his navigator pre-peels another bar for later in the race.

Plucky Liechtenstein's chocolate industry became increasingly in danger of being overwhelmed by the Swiss giant confectionery and food company Nestlé. Schokolade Liechtenstein managed to keep its unique USP appeal until the 1980s but then Feminism came along. The Testosterone's discriminatory advertising showing beautiful women melting at the knees when a clean cut man wearing a buttonless shirt and crotch-enhanced flying pants came into their lives was labelled 'neanderthal marketing'. There was an attempt come up with chocolate appealling to women (Progesterone was one such brand) but it wasn't a success.

Scandal

In the early 1990s a medical study linked the consumption of Testoserone bars with an increasing levels of male infertility. Though some men thought this 'a good thing' as it would save them money buying their own contraceptives, the bar saw a steady decline with younger men who were keen to start families. It was only then that the details of how these bars were manufactured from wrestlers' sweat were leaked by a disgruntled (and perhaps impotent) former executive at Schokolade Liechtenstein that the Testoserone bar was clearly doomed. All production stopped in 1994.