From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Kryptonite (Earth element)?
Kryptonite crystals (premium grade)

“It's worth its weight in Superman!”

~ Alan Greenspan on value of Kryptonite

Kryptonite is a transparent to mottled green colored stuff originating from the destroyed planet Krypton. It has been scientifically ascertained that genuine Kryptonite is an unknown alien extraterrestrial material that is composed entirely of an unknown alien extraterrestrial material called Kryptonite[1].

Kryptonite has no known utility apart from its use by sick-minded villains to counteract the strength and invincibility of the ultimate hero, Clark Kent, THE superman, who is the only known survivor of the Planet Krypton.[2]

On the Earth, Kryptonite is only used to fight against truth, justice, and the American way. So if that is your diabolical-intention then, by all means, do procure some Kryptonite.

Planet of Origin

Chunk of diabolical grade Kryptonite

Krypton standards are no longer applicable because Krypton was destroyed. Except for rogue chunks and pieces that were blasted into all directions of space at the time of Krypton’s dissolution, there is simply no more Krypton. However, scientists have used both Superman and Kryptonite as reference points to speculate qualities of Krypton that would normally be sheer conjecture.

After three months of head-scratching and limited government funding, the scientists concluded that Krypton was generally made up of "Kryptonite and other materials similar to Kryptonite," and populated by men dressed in red and blue tights and leotards with long capes who might appear weak and barely able to stand on Krypton.

Other so-called experts suggest that, based on the sheer volume of kryptonite that crops up in our solar system, the distance from the planet Krypton, and the inverse square law, Krypton must have had the mass of a neutron star, if not a black hole. This leads them to postulate that the sun which planet Krypton revolved around must have gotten the Kryptonitians even higher than our yellow sun. Otherwise, they would have been crushed by the gravity of the situation.

Appearance of Kryptonite

In Earth’s atmosphere Kryptonite appears greenish, but experiments have shown that it changes colors under different conditions. For example, Kryptonite turns yellow when exposed to concentrated carbon dioxide levels, similar to the atmosphere of Mars. When the experimenters dropped acid, Kryptonite appeared paisley. And when the test subjects got intoxicated on cheap wine they couldn't give a rats arse what color it was.

Specific Gravity / Refractive Index of Kryptonite

A kilogram of Kryptonite, by Earth’s atmospheric standards, is assumed to weigh 1.5 carats on Krypton, making it lighter than a feather on the planet of origin. However, there is a large 51% margin of error, due to the unmeasurable nature of missing Krypton's gravitational pull.

The refractive Index of Kryptonite is literally "off the refractometer," and it is far brighter than a laser beam shining into the eyes of an airline pilot attempting to land. This unfathomably high refractive index makes Kryptonite appear to glow at Bar Mitzvahs.

Hardness & Other Attributes of Kryptonite

Kryptonite has hardness well over Earth’s Mohs scale (1-10), making it the hardest element on the Earth. It has no taste or smell when on the Earth, although it is said to stink like hell back on its home planet, and taste bloody awful. Although inert to short wave UV light Kryptonite is highly radioactive on Krypton, which really doesn't matter now - except to Superman.

Utility of Kryptonite

Supermen from Krypton - such as Clark Kent - simply detest Kryptonite

Because of it’s extreme density when in Earth’s atmosphere Kryptonite has no known utility in any Earth industry. Although highly non-radioactive and thus safe for earthlings to wear it is none the less rarely if ever used in jewelry. In fact, as previously stated, Kryptonite has no use on Earth other than fighting against the rule-of-law.

Contraindications of Kryptonite

Proximity to Kryptonite weakens the alien powers of Superman, thus robbing him of his extra-terrestrial ability to fight crime and terrorism. It also causes sever weakness in the joints of Supermen, and makes it impossible for him to fly in Earth’s atmosphere. Kryptonite also adversely effects his sex life - which, pretty much, goes without saying. Kryptonite has no known positive or adverse influence on normal Earthlings.

Value & Supply of Kryptonite

One kilogram of extra-terrestrial Kryptonite sells for Amero 30 on Earth’s black market, where there are no other buyers except Lex Luthor, as no one else is both crazy and rich enough to fuck with Superman, and it is a substance strictly controlled by the mafia. But on the black market even a gram of Kryptonite sells for minimum (A) six million. Its use by unlicensed scoundrels is otherwise strictly controlled by international laws governing the possession of extra-terrestrial materials.

The amount of Kryptonite which actually entered Earth’s atmosphere is scientifically unknown, although the area with the highest presence is believed to be the metropolis of Metropolis. Otherwise its scarcity has never been determined, nor does anyone - apart from superman - really give a hoot about it. Kryptonite was quite plentiful on its home planet of Krypton, though, not anymore.

Also see


  1. Science Today Magazine: 11/3
  2. citation

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 25 June 2011
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/25 June 2011