Satan Claus

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Satan Claus, shortly after devouring the "snack" left for him.

“If I knew where all the naughty boys lived, I'd bloody well be jolly too!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Satan Claus

“I thought I killed that evil bastard!”

~ John Constantine on Satan Claus

“Like, Santa Man, I mean like Satan Man,you like, so up there man, in that "North Pole" of yours, you seem kinda high, man, like far out, man, far out”

~ Stoner Santa on Santa Clause

Satan Claus (neé Schickelgruber), also known as Krampus, is the patron saint of greedy department store owners and bratty spoiled li'l rich kids. Unlike St. Nicholas, whose mission was to ensure that the poor would not have to go without at Christmas, Satan Claus caters to the spoiled rich who always want more, more, more. Satan Claus has also been known to ensnare unsuspecting dyslexics looking for Santa.


Unlike his good brother, Satan Claus works every Christmors (Latin: mors, 'death') or XXX-Mas (December 23 to December 26), which celebrates the death of Jesus. The festival beginning on December 23 (called the Badnight) involves placing a Plastic Jesus Replica inside a bomb (counterpart of the "Traditional" Christmas tree) decorated with explosives (e.g. TNT, Nitro, C4) Which explodes on the final day (Dec. 26) and destroys all traces of the Christmas Celebration.

What Satan Claus Does on Christmors[edit]

The work of this charming character is to work with an army of Chinese Children Elves, they work very hard creating very nice toys for children, and leaving fun surprises such as swastikas, razor blades, and needles inside. After the Elves finish their work, Satan goes to distribute gifts in his monster truck truck pulled by 8 monkey bats: Moaner, Groaner, Squealer, Screamer, Shrieker, Whimper, and Snookie, with a green nose, he does not enter the houses through the chimney, rather he comes up the toilet.


Satan Claus' toy workshop is located in Hellistan, a boring lower/middle-class suburb of Hell which has become newly independent and now exists primarily to house sweatshops filled with child labourers. Mockingly known as "elves", these lil brats are mostly kids who sold their souls to Satan Claus because they absolutely had to have this year's latest crummy plastic toy. They will remain in Hellistan as slaves for the rest of eternity.

Commercial endorsements[edit]

Everybody wants to be Satan Claus... even the evil side of the super-traditional Pope!

The bulk of Satan Claus' revenue comes not from the purchase of the children's souls nor the sale of shoddy, cheaply-made merchandise but from revenue from commercial endorsements. Every merchant, trembling in fear of the evil Wall Street which considers a company's worth to be defined by nothing more than its last quarterly earnings report, is desperate by the year's end to sell every bit of worthless rubbish on store shelves to appease impatient investors. Every year, one minute after Halloween, they all begin to chant "But it's Chrissstmasss!" to trick people into believing that the rubbish they'd never buy for themselves is somehow "the perfect gift."

As much as they'd like to get the real Santa Claus to endorse their overpriced wares, after hundreds of years of watching them hijack what was once the religious Yule fest to turn it into just another chance to sell low-quality garbage, Santa has long since had enough and would likely only deliver them a big fat lump of coal. The merchant therefore turns to the evil Satan Claus to appear in their advertisements; the price may be their souls and their first-born, but compared to the vicious mobs of angry stockholders, Satan Claus somehow looks like the lesser of two evils and the merchants sell out to him gladly.

Letters to Satan Claus[edit]

Ho Ho Ho, the number of the beast

Despite the fact that Satan Claus represents pure, unadulterated evil, the little ones still write to him every year to tell him what crummy plastic toys they want this time. It amuses Satan Claus to no end that the brats would sell their souls for such worthless trinkets.

Nonetheless, the phenomenon is likely the fault of second-rate school systems for turning out students who can't spell well enough to distinguish Santa Claus from Satan Claus. As such, the situation is unlikely to improve and the mediocrity which is a Satan Claus Christmas will continue well into the foreseeable future.

George W. Bush is said to also partake in writing to Satan Claus; the only reason being his education, or lack thereof. The Secret Service agents who deliver the letters also share the same literacy and copy the spelling (of Satan Claus) onto their own letter to Satan. As of today, over 200 copies of Glitter has been delivered to the White House by evil Steve Ballmer lookalikes/clones.

See also[edit]

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