Prince of Darkness

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The Prince of Darkness has always been a big hit at parties.

“Now, Now, my good man. Now is not the time to be making enemies.”

~ Voltaire on his deathbed, renouncing Satanism

I'm the prince of darkness!”

The Prince of Darkness is a popular villain from early comic books, including the Bible, written by God and illustrated by Moses. He is also featured in the cult classic The Temping of Christ, an ancient black and white silent film from Transylvania about the gig economy of the day. While many of the roles forced upon him by contemporary literature are without his consent or knowledge, he does not deny that they happened. In fact, he has let slip on more than one occasion how satisfying it was to tempt "that little long-haired bastard".

Birth[edit]

An older rendering of Satan being smited by Michael. Despite appearances, Satan won far more often than he lost.

The birthdate of Lucifer "Satan" Beelzebub is disputed by scholars, but the date of his conception is certain. This occurred in 1958 in the eponymous small town of Satan, England. This particular passage is mentioned extensively because it rates so highly on Satan's "yuck factor" (a solid 9.6/10). He had the misfortune of being told the story of his naming at the age of fifteen thousand years old by his father God and his mother Godette.

Early life[edit]

Satan's Kingdom.jpg

Like any poor young man, Satan was raised by dogs and sheep just outside Stratford. Having no education to speak of and needing even less (he was told the secrets of the Universe by God the night of his birth, and has not spoken of them since except in riddles), he frequently taunted the young boys learning in New King School. There he met a young man with an obsession of the English language and a lisp. Satan gathered his first soul here, offering to trade the young playwright's soul for a decent jaw.

Later life[edit]

After living on this planet for over a thousand years, Satan got bored of being a human and subsequently spent the next two months trying to stop being a tree. However, the minds of trees are terribly unreliable and by the time Satan again regained human form he was a large, voluptuous woman with AIDS. Refusing to abide by this, he researched and developed a decisive cure for cancer, which he keeps in his wallet. Asking to borrow this cure will result in immediate combustion for the foolish asker. (Note: Satan now keeps a jar on his mantelpiece in the eternal torment of hell with all askers inside. I know. I've been there.)

Later, he turned himself back into a black man and has been happily masculine ever since. Although recently, he's been persecuted by the KKK.

Television and the media[edit]

Satan (middle) makes a guest appearance on David Letterman.

Satan is currently the lead guitarist for Guns N Roses and with Axl Rose, and hopes to outlive Buckethead in the race for ruler of the galaxy. The current ruler is Kurt Cobain.

Retirement[edit]

Satan went on to conquer many other notorious souls, until George W. Bush became president of America. By this point in time souls were so easy to trade that Satan finally cashed his in and retired to the Bahamas. He runs a small electrician's business near the coast under one of his many aliases, where he has reported he will happily spend the rest of his days.

Little-known facts[edit]

  • Satan's winter job is to forward the mail dyslexic people send him asking for presents.
  • Prince of Darkness is actually a parody of Satan, who was created after chatspeak was invented and subsequently all grammar laws were defiled.
  • The Prince of Darkness' least favorite disciple, Crowley, blighted his plan to end the world once. Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman are famed with recording this event, called Good Omens.
  • The only person who ever actually witnessed Satan was Ronald Reagan, and he enjoyed it. Immensely.
  • Satan disguises himself as Fred Phelps, and has a devoted following.

See also[edit]