Loch Hess Monster

Photo taken just moments after the monster Hessie submerged into the murky waters of Loch Hess.

The Loch Hess Monster (Longneckus elusivii), affectionately named Hessie, is one of 1,873 monsters inhabiting Scottish lochs. Researchers cannot agree on whether Hessie is a surviving plesiosaur or mosasaur from the age of dinosaurs or a sign of aliens on Earth. Seen by eyewitnesses from ancient times to today, the monster attracts tourists and a few hardy investigators to the remote Scottish Highlands.

Loch Hess

Originally called Loch Roch Kett, it was formed with other Scottish lochs during the last ice age by giant burrowing ice worms. As Loch Hess is not as deep or as large as others, it is assumed it was formed by one of the lazier ice worms from a foreign country who mostly spent its time on the dole whilst sponging off a girlfriend. A few scientists hold the idea that the loch was formed by a collapsed rabbit warren and the monster is actually a very large swimming rabbit descended from the original inhabitants.

The loch is up to 2 meters in depth and is over 35 meters across at its widest. It is well known for its fierce undertow currents and huge whitecaps in the winter. Aside from near-constant rainfall in the region (750 cm a year), it is fed by the wild River Cockwomble. In 2001, scientists traced the source of the river to a leaky hose at Arthur "Scrooge" McDuck's money bin.

The area has been shrouded in mysterious low clouds and mist for many years, ever since the local disco closed and left their fog machine running. Unique weather patterns to the area add to the dreary climate making for mostly overcast or rainy days. This in contrast to the 300+ warm, sunny days a year for which Scotland is famous.

Aside from the monster, Loch Hess is populated by several logs and a now-feral escaped goldfish. Scientists are worried that the invasive species could upset the natural balance of the loch. In 1967, fish wardens setting a trap for the goldfish disappeared, thought to have been eaten either by the monster or the goldfish. In 1995, an angry goose was arrested by police but let go for lack of evidence despite the pile of human bones found in its nest.

The loch acquired its current name in 1941. German nutter Rudolf Hess flew to Scotland in attempt to negotiate peace with the government of Robert the Bruce. Landing his floatplane on then-Loch Roch Kett, he was immediately attacked and eaten by the monster. The monster, then popularly known as Rockie, was awarded the George Cross and the lake was renamed Loch Hess for some strange reason lost to history.

Sightings

The celebrated Dentist’s Photo of 1937, the only definitive proof of the Loch Hess Monster’s existence.

The beast was first reported in written accounts in 1067 CE by Viking leader Olaf the Flashy taking a side excursion while the bulk of an invading Viking army was moving toward Stamford Bridge. As told in The Golden Treasury of Norway’s Favorite Collected Sagas, he was admiring his countenance in the dark waters of the loch. Suddenly, a huge black beast larger with "a head bigger than Gilda Fredasdottir's Swedish meatballs" reared up out of the water menacingly. The monster's total length was reported as half a furlong or more and it smelled of day-old lutefisk. Olaf wrote that he ran back to his ship to grab his sword, but that the monster had returned to the depths by the time he returned. The last part of the tale has been discounted, since in 1982, archaeologists discovered a pair of Viking pants not far from the loch with a large stain in the seat.

Robert Burns staying at his cousin George's nearby castle wrote a poem about the monster, then called Rockie. It lends proof to the idea that Burns saw the creature himself. It opens: "Theyr once were a beestie from Rocket/It was shap’d lyke the thinge in ma pockett." Only this fragment remains today.

Local resident and film star Tim T. N. Chanter described the monster as being the "most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set your eyes on."

Entertainer Gracie Allen would visit the loch regularly. She and the monster would sing music hall duets by the shore, while dancing their aspidistras off. This would often continue for hours until classical music-loving badgers chased her away from the shore. Hessie would then throw down in a long "Yo mama" tirade, dueling verbally with the badgers until dawn.

In 1994, famed religious icon Mel Gibson mooned the beast in the belief that this was a standard Scottish greeting. "I seen it in some movie" he said. Hessie would not be seen for four years afterward, though gagging noises could be frequently heard for months following the incident.

Locals at the Neaps & Haggis takeaway always have a good view of the loch and most swear to have seen the monster at least once. Owner Chandrasekar Limitt has seen the monster many times. "He's a regular, orders the number 5 every time, asks for extra napkins every time. Never seen that tosser goldfish, though."

Research

With all 14 lecture attendees agreeing that they just dozed off "for a second", they found that space alien expert Giorgio Tsoukalos (inset) had disappeared. Left in his place was a set of chattering teeth droning on in Tsoukalos's familiar nasal tone. It is unknown if he was abducted by aliens or Hessie or if Tsoukalos was just a set of chattering teeth all along.

The Loch Hess Monster has rarely been investigated in modern times. It is thought that the loch's remote location and bad pub food keep most investigators away.

In 1980, Adventurer Tim Dinsdale explored the loch in wellies while holding recording equipment in one hand and a large net in the other. Observers at the takeaway stand on shore saw huge splashes with Dinsdale struggling with an unknown creature. Dinsdale was convinced he had encountered the monster, where most locals thought it was the goldfish. As it turned out, the adventurer’s "catch" was a monster of another kind, vacationing PM Margaret Thatcher. Dinsdale was thrown into the Tower of London for seven years for GBH.

Theories

Like Nessie, Hessie is thought by most experts to be a seagoing carnivore like a plesiosaur or the larger mosasaur from the Cretaceous Period. Rather than one long-lived creature, it is thought that there is actually a breeding population that migrates via secret tunnels to the Bermuda Triangle where they subsist on treacle from sunken ships and eels, jellied or not, from the Sargasso Sea.

It has been proposed that Hessie is none other than the Loch Ness Monster. It is thought that gravitational effects from secret planet X, also known as Nibiru, will trigger the opening of a rock cap to a tunnel that connects the two lochs. Observers point out that neither has been seen with the other at the annual International Cryptozoology Conference Both are known to be big consumers of Irn-Bru per ASDA sales figures reported for their respective regions.

Bright flashes of lights have been seen around the loch, leading UFO theorists to believe that aliens accounted for monster sightings. After investigation, this turned out to be due to locals igniting their farts lakeside. The US Ambassador to the Universe Giorgio Tsoukalos has now revised his theories to consider that the lights are from space aliens igniting their alien farts. Those glow an eerie bright greenish color, whilst ignited human farts glow in a normal bright greenish color.

Aside from the feral goldfish known from the 1950s, some think that Hessie may be a giant goldfish itself. In the off-chance that they breed, Scottish fish wardens are stocking ping pong balls, small glass globes, plastic bags, small change and aprons to make any offspring into carnival prizes if they need to be removed.

Hessie is also thought to be a sturgeon, a large catfish or a freshwater Pond Whale. Most experts discount all three as they would have been poached long ago.

See also

• Loch Ness Monster
• Sascrotch
• Goldfish
• Vikings