ASDA

ASDA store front. Note the doors. See anybody attractive going in? Nope? There's a reason for that. Ugly hicks...

“All ASDA stores are now open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year from now until forever and ever and ever and ever...”

~ Announcer on a tannoy

ASDA (pronounced ASS-tuh) is a wonderful little British store founded by Stephen Hawking. It can be found wherever you go, spreading like a disease through the entire world. Known as Walmart in America (when it's spread like the plague too), ASDA plans to take over the world one ass-pat at a time. Rumours have it that some ASDA stores are over 10 miles in length but that could be a conspiracy theory since in the London stores the bread aisles are that long. Shoppers like to come to this store with the firm belief that they are expecting more for less money, but recent studies conducted by Dr. Luneth Vader show that people don't give a damn about 'more', they're just scabs and chavs that think Tesco is upmarket. Currently, Walmart/ASDA are in holy jihad against Tesco for world domination, money, the title of 'Most Irritating Supermarket Car Park Ever', world domination, more chav shoppers, money and world domination.

Overly friendly staff

The managers and owners of ASDA are currently under the illusion that if the lower class worker drones harass their humble paying customers with flyers, "Lovely day" comments, and a crazy smiley face, they will return said smile or comment and shop even more in the massive sprawl of urban crap. However, our good friend Mr. Winkler has revealed that customers do not care about maniacs waving charity buckets or fliers, they just want cheap gas and clothes. Here's how to decipher the workers.

• The overly friendly checkout girl - These workers are usually obese in nature and have a wide smile on their face to cover their insecurities. The main thing to watch out for is the struggle to get small coins out of the checkout. Be sure to return her happy smile and not draw attention to her arse drooping over the sides of the stool she is sitting on.
• The checkout boy - These workers never smile and never say nice comments. Mr. Winkler has revealed these people feel depressed and angry about their dead end and emasculating job. Be sure not to keep his company for long, he has had a long day.
• The trolley/wagon collector - These are usually male in nature and love to stroll around the car parking lot all day with nothing but 23 shopping trollies stretched in front of him. Do not make eye contact with him, he is even more depressed and probably just wanting to listen to his iPod.
• The charity worker - Give her all you have, she is programmed to get your money. If not, observe how insecure they look when they approach others and just get turned down.
• The shelf-stacker - The lowest of the low. Respond by making him or her carry all your shopping and get all the stuff you can't or can reach. It's what they're paid for after all.
• The cleaner - Get out of the way or feel the wrath of the mop or brush. (It is this Public Enemy No.1 who sees you waddling down the aisle and mops the floor's anyway, because the dust of the shoes will make your job that much harder).

Self service checkouts

Especially for customers who enjoy hearing the phrase 'Unexpected Item in Bagging Area', then this crappy machine will be your best friend forever. You can't scan anything from alcohol to an apple without a depressed looking emo having to enter a special number to make himself feel important.

Showing any signs of confusion or struggle and you WILL be approached by someone who is called, "JANE - CUSTOMER ADVISOR." When JANE is on the prowl, you must manage your behaviour carefully:

• Never enter a store tapping your back pockets and singing the ASDA theme song. JANE - CUSTOMER ADVISOR will ask you to leave as you look like a twat.
• Never mix two cleaning products in store. The result will leave a super clean floor and JANE will have no floor to mop or brush.
• Never try any free samples that the store offers. JANE will feel uncomfortable that you never liked her cooking. And so, convinces her not to enter the kitchen to make sandwiches.

Other things to avoid doing

• Never overtake someone's trolley or wagon in the tinned foods aisle. Or any aisle for that matter it's very dangerous. And if you squeeze through a gap between a trolley when someone else is trying to get through too, it WILL be a death sentence.
• Do not flirt with the check-out girl. She will think you are being serious and will call security claiming harassment.
• Never go to ASDA in your office suit. The indigenous ASDA shopper will think you are an undercover official from the Department Of Work & Pensions, and will give you the evil eye from the other side of the 10 mile long bread aisle.
• If the check out girl asks if you want a bag for your 'quality' produce, do not reply with, "I already have a bag in front of me." The check out girl will take anything as a compliment.
• Never use actual cash, even if your shopping amounts to only 7 pence. You WILL get mugged as soon as your foot steps outside of the door.

Products

• George - The one clothing range this shop specializes in. And what a clothing range! Bras, panties, bras, socks and tables! George specialises in kids sleepwear, underwear, and jumpers that rip as soon as you get rid of the receipt. They named the range after musician Boy George as both were him and the clothes share similar qualities - dying, easy to destroy and had a spot on The Voice's judges panel.

• Smart Price - The only brand that has a money-back guarantee if your child is not bullied at school for the Smart Price chocolate you put in their lunch box.

• ASDA Cheap Brand Shizz - The lesser economically developed people of the country (or chavs as we call them) have a strange and fatal attraction for the like of cheap home brand stuff that never break the piggy bank (if they care to own a piggy bank.) The quality of the home brand 'produce' is questionable, with many users dying within 5 minutes of inhaling the 'produce'. An investigation from the CIA revealed that ASDA produce should not be inhaled, injected or shoved up your ass but instead should be used as stated in the instructions. Many chavs (sorry, "The lesser economically developed people of the country", as politically correct government nobodies would like us to say) reacted furiously to these findings. "I ain't never shoved no washing up liquid up my nose," cried Victoria Beckham.

Fun facts about ASDA

• It's a well documented fact that small children and the demented old people get lost quite frequently here. Many conspiracies involve the lost being sold into the George trade or being forced to fend for themselves underneath the aisle displays.
• Most people shop at ASDA, in the hope that they will catch something and will be able to sue.
• Supermarket tills are not allowed more than £75 in them at any one time. That is so the fat bitch serving you doesn't get tempted.
• If you ring the "Bread's Ready & Fresh" bell before the bread is actually ready, the resultant illogic of such action will cause the store to implode.
• In Latin, ASDA translates to Tesco but Tesco translates to Horse Meat. Weird, that.
• Contrary to popular belief, ASDA is not a downmarket, chavvy supermarket that has the sole purpose of facillating goods for the downtrodden proletariat. They are actually, as stated by them, 'Not as good as Tesco, not as good as Sainsbury's, but hell, at least we aren't German. Did we mention that we are owned by Walmart?'.
• If you're wondering why the store is full of green, it's to make you so blinded that you buy their diabolical own brand products and end up brainwashed to go there again.

See Also

• Tesco
• Walmart
• Depression