Ganon
| Ganon | |
|---|---|
| The Legend of Zelda character | |
 Ganon is known for his liveliness in body movement. | |
| First game | Link: The Faces of Evil (1993) |
| Created by | Dale DeSharone Igor Razboff |
| Voiced by | Mark Berry (CD-i games) Len Carlson (Zelda animated series) |
Ganon is a main antagonist in Nintendo's The Legend of Zelda series. He appears as the final boss of all three games in the series. His name was misspelled as "Gannon" in the enclosed instruction booklet of the CD-i games, as well as the non-canon original NES game. Ganon is voiced by the ever-talented Mark Berry in the CD-i games, as well as the late Len Carlson (RIP) in the animated series.
In the games, Ganon alternates between two forms: a green pig-looking sorcerer and a floating brown Disney villain. He is the archenemy of Link, and seeks to take over kingdoms such as Hyrule, Koridai, Gamelon, and Tolemac while kidnapping Zelda. These attempts are always foiled due to Link always trapping him in the Book of Koridai, kind of like Captain Hook and the crocodile. To take over the world, Ganon seeks the full Triforce, a powerful magical relic that makes your wishes come true.
In the games, Ganon already possesses the Triforce of Power, which gives him godlike strength and boundless mystical power and makes him invulnerable to all but the Book of Koridai. However, his lust for power can never be satisfied, and he seeks the complete relic to grant his wish of world domination. The character has been very well received by critics and fans alike, being known as one of the most serious and non-campy villains in gaming.
Biography
Early life
Ganon was born into the Gerudo cult, a cult composed entirely of wretched creatures who lived in the desert. Despite their wealth, the lack of water in the desert caused a lot of them to die. Ganon's father was spotted by a Gerudo woman who fell madly in love with him. To avoid hurting her feelings, he stayed and fathered a child with her. One day he left without a word(so much for her feelings). His mother was extremely cruel to him from that day forward. When she hugged him before he went to school, she slapped a sign on his back saying 'I pee standing up'. His classmates ridiculed this by cruelly throwing shaving cream and Sports Illustrated magazines at him.The stress from this abuse caused him to begin smoking and chewing tobacco.
Ganon left home one night, stealing his mother's possessions to sell for tobacco. In those desperate times, he lived by stealing hubcaps and begging for vittles. One day, he was approached by two rich but very senile old witches who promised to raise him as their own and teach him dark powers, like abortion and plastic surgery. He begrudgingly accepted this cruel existence, sensing that a meaningful existence was soon to be within his grasp, one where he would finally be able to make his mark on the world.
After 10 years of laborious study, Ganon gained power, though not the sort that he was hoping for. All he learned was how to apply Preparation H and turn into a pig. In his spare time, he also studied how to shoot incredibly slow projectiles. Although he dabbled in tennis during this time, he lacked dedication and only truly learned how to serve. He was notorious for his inability to return anything that was hit to him.
Ocarina of Time
Ganondorf eventually grew sick of medicating the two old witches, so he decided to strike out for himself. He took up a job as a spittoon at the local Cluckin' Cuckoo family bar and grill, where he heard tantalizing rumors about a legendary artifact of the Gods, the Triforce. It was drunkenly whispered that he who touched the artifact would be granted any wish he desired. Spitting out the evening's chew, Ganondorf set off for the distant kingdom of Hyrule in the hopes of pilfering the Triforce.
Unfortunately, sinister forces sought to crush his dreams to pieces. In the distant Deku Forest, the Legendary Deku Tree was plotting his demise, grooming a young conservative Republican named Link. Finding out about this treachery, Ganondorf found a really icky spider under a rock and paid it 5 rupees to go crawl around and be a general nuisance to the Deku tree. Considering the situation solved, Ganondorf continued his quest.
Ganondorf slowly wormed his way into the King of Hyrule's confidence by providing him with constant supplies of cake. This managed to earn him not only a place in the royal family but also information about the Triforce. He learned that it was tied to a mystical instrument, an ornate ocarina carved from the finest marble bathroom tile and infused with the power of free enterprise. The ocarina would only reveal the path to the Triforce if played really, really well.
Lacking any skill with that particular instrument, Ganondorf decided to replace all of the Gorons' rocks with man-eating dinosaurs and feed a broken beer bottle to a really big fish. As luck would have it, his plot to scare the manchild Link away with an icky spider failed miserably. This situation actually worked out well for Ganondorf, though, as Link proved himself an extremely able ocarina musician, unknowingly playing a magical song which tore open a portal in time that flung him into the future.
Seeing his chance, Ganondorf dove into the OTHER magical portal that appeared, knowing that the Triforce was close. He touched the holy object, wishing with all his heart to save his people from drought. The spirit of the Triforce just laughed and told him to "Forget about them!" With this statement, it decided instead to give him real ultimate power and a really cool long haircut (which is so much better than Sephiroth's).
Ganondorf was pleased with this answer, and begrudgingly forgot about the suffering of his tribe. He used his new-found power to bring about an age of prosperity. This age continued for 7 wonderful years in which he personally constructed much needed improvements for the kingdom of Hyrule, such as fences and zombies. The benefits of Ganondorf's rule to the Hylian Nation were many, and his policy of Order and Plenty were an unrivaled success. Let us look at Gandondorf's economic, foreign and domestic policies in greater detail.
Economic policy
After the civil war which brought him to power, the Hylian currency had been devalued. With the help of his new banker, Tingle, the new King of Evil took the bold decision to supplement the Green Rupees of the Old Monarchy with many Blue and Red Rupees of higher denominations. A keen exponent of Keynesian economics, he embarked upon a lavish public works project, including the razing of the unsanitary cesspit of Castle Town, and the relocation of its citizens to the charming rural paradise of Kakariko, where they would henceforth live simple, pastoral lives free from the moral degeneracy and decadence of urban life. Those who made the unfortunate choice to stay in Castle Town met their end at the hands of the T-virus, which turned them into zombies that rape people.
The construction industry, which had stagnated under the Monarchy, particularly benefited, and new buildings were added to the mountain town. Indeed, the public works projects became ever more ambitious, leading to the construction of a grand new bridge to replace the one Ganondorf had destroyed to protect Hyrule from invasions by Gerudo hordes, and culminating in the fabulous new palace which he ordered built. Gandondorf himself often remarked that his humble origins as a desert warrior inclined him to prefer simple accommodation, but that the new Castle was needed to create jobs and stimulate the economy. Furthermore, he ensured that businesses would achieve a minimum threshold of productivity. Those establishments which under-performed, usually as a result of lax family-run leadership and an ethos of slackness and laziness, were confiscated by the State from their owners' plump hands, and entrusted to the workers in an admirable display of Labor-State social partnership. The Lon-Lon Ranch shines out as a beacon of such wise policy, and under its State-affiliated Worker Council, ensured a rigorous business ethos which provided the whole of Hyrule with an abundance of milk and beef. Such a move from the Corporate to the Corporatist was of untold benefit to the deserving Hylian Nation.
Domestic policy
Yet the King of Evil's achievements were not merely in the the realm of economy and national security. His reign was characterized by a firm domestic policy of public order, in stark contrast to the lawlessness of the previous regime. The Monarchy had concentrated its soldiers in Castle Town, and was interested only in protecting itself; travelers on the Hyrule Field were at risk from legions of ferocious flying beasts, and even packs of undead bandits. Ganondorf put an end to this. Under his reign, the Field became a zone of peace and order, where his subjects could walk freely, unhindered and unharmed by wild beasts. This is entirely due to Ganondorf's accumulation of military power between his own responsible hands - once he had achieved the 'Monopoly of Power', Hylians could sleep soundly at night knowing the King of Evil was watching over them. The benefits of such psychological security can only be guessed at. What is certain is that Ganodondorf was a shrewd ruler. Knowing that the military spending of the Civil War years was unsustainable, he disbanded the Hylian Guard and outlawed the Sheikah - that corps of Praetorian miscreants which the militaristic Old Regime had built up to entrench its power- and established an unquestionably superior form of public order: an army of monsters. Yes, it is true that many of his subjects initially baulked at the idea, for who could trust monsters to guard their homes in the dead of night? But these individuals lacked the prodigious mental power of the great dictator. Ganondorf knew that by giving the monsters a purpose, a stake in society, they would obey the State with total loyalty, and defend the Hylian Nation from civil unrest. His assumption was correct. From the Poes of the Field, to the Dekus of the Forest and the Tektites of the North, these beasts showed ceaseless vigil in defending the land from troublemakers and sowers of civil disorder; for seven years, they provided a standing army to keep order, and one which did not cost the taxpayer so much as a Green Rupee to maintain. Thus, order could be kept, while subjects did not have to worry about funding a bloated military machine; they could devote more of their income to consumer goods.
Super Smash Bros: Melee
Being defeated by Link was so discouraging that Ganondorf fell into an early mid-life crisis. Desperate for change, he traveled into the distant future, finding a world of awesome technology and metrosexual racers. Joining the F-Zero Gran Prix, Ganondorf donned a full black outfit, calling himself Black Shadow. He quickly made enemies with an intergalactic stud named Captain Falcon, who paunched him so hard that it destroyed an entire galaxy. With the spirit of "watta shitta shien, shienzu" in his heart, Black Shadow, er... I mean Ganondorf, swore to kill Captain Falcon if it was the last thing he did.
Finding a worthy rival, Ganondorf sought to copy every single one of Captain Falcon's techniques for his own purposes. Unfortunately, before Ganondorf could finish copying all of Falcon's techniques, Falcon returned to Valhalla where he would feed and grow to race and paunch the universe again. His newfound skills all but useless, Ganondorf took his fury out on all the other Nintendo characters like Pikachu and Mario. But not Ridley, because Ridley is too big. Unsurprisingly, Ganondorf was continuously destroyed by Marth, who would always pick Final Destination because he's a tourney fag. His dreams shattered, Ganondorf returned to the past before he touched the Triforce and punched himself in the face. This action would not only provide his past self with blunt head trauma but also set in motion an entirely separate timeline. Ganondorf (the one with the Triforce) returned to his own time and decided to take a 200 year nap. Not all was lost, however, as Ganondorf found out that his nemesis Captain Falcon was actually his long lost son, Falcondorf.
Twilight Princess
The evil Link traveled back in time before Ganondorf could take over Hyrule and bring prosperity to the land and warned the king that Ganondorf was assembling an army to conquer Hyrule.
As punishment for his treason, the king ordered that Ganondorf was to scrub the floors in Hyrule castle. Ganondorf called the king a doo-doo head and was sentenced to death. Sometime between then and his execution he decided to perm his hair and grow an ultra manly and cool chin curtain beard.
Fortunately for Doofydorf (the unofficial name for this past self), he was chained to a giant rock by 6 KKK members, then the Triforce took pity on him and decided to make him an evil king of darkness right after he was stabbed by Obi Wan's lightsaber.The chains could no longer hold him as his power level was over 9000, and the Klansmen then submitted to anal rape. Ganondorf later stated in an interview that "it's not about sexuality , it's about dominance", then he fell into a sewage pipe that took him directly to the Twilight Zone.
He befriended the people of this poor zone by promising them cake, using them to wage war on Hyrule and fuel sweet rave parties. This went on for some time until another (but somehow the exact same) Link came along. Just as Ganondorf was getting settled into his new home in Hyrule Castle Link walked in on him whilst he was lighting a cigar. Ganondorf teleported to the imprisoned Zelda and then possessed her body and battled Link with a game of tennis. Ganondorf realized that whilst he was in the Twilight Zone he had forgotten that he was terrible at returning anything that was hit to him, and after 3 rounds he was defeated. He then left Zelda and turned Super Saiyan 4. When he was defeated by Link again, he destroyed Hyrule castle and made it seem as though he had killed Midna - however, Midna's power level greatly dwarved is so-called "over 9000", so she instead just hovered within Link's shadow for the remainder of the game and quietly snickered at Ganondorf. Then Link and Zelda used the dishonorable tactic of using spirits to give them light arrows, and Zelda shot Ganondorf off his horse. He demanded a final duel with Link, and just as he was about to kill Link for good, the King of Hyrule pulled an AK-47 on him and shot him to the ground. Link then finished him off with the Master Sword. Ganondorf got up and said something cool, then appeared to die standing up. This was the position he remained in until Link removed the Master Sword from his chest. Ganondorf disappeared after that and was not sighted again until much later.
Super Smash Bros Brawl
After the events in Twilight Princess, Ganondorf was patched up by his two witch mothers, and after consideration decided to join in with the next Smash Brothers game, sure because of all the steroids he had been taking he was going to be a lot stronger this time around. But as a result of punching himself in the face his nose had been reduced by at least 3 feet and he had lost all his aerodynamics, he realized that he would be a lot slower this time around but at least he would have a giant height advantage... or so he thought. The douche-bags that created the game decided to reduce his height to a measly 7 feet so he would fit on the stage and yet again made him walk whilst crouching, making walking a huge strain on his hamstrings and thighs. The governing body of the Smash Brothers competition also made Ganondorf place his Triforce of power in a safety deposit box for the duration of the competition, so instead of vaporizing a person instantly with his mighty flame choke the move just hurt a lot.
Super Smash Bros 4
After seeing his plummet to the bottom of the tier list in Brawl, Ganondorf devoted his time exclusively to the next Smash Bros installment. He decided to run 5Ks every week to stay in shape. Unfortunately, he is still unable to beat an obese penguin in a footrace.
Four Swords
During this time - later referred to as a futuristic period known as the Cloning Era - Ganondorf chose to be as inactive as possible. This was mainly down to the fact that, imbued with the power of technology, Zelda had taken her Republican boyfriend Link and cloned him three times over. (The process was very bad for his health and as a result a fifth, less-celebrated version of him known only as Dark Link was made and flung about the timestream.) Feeling not at all ready to take on four of his arch nemisis, Ganondorf instead spent most of his time during this period shooting his torturously slow projectiles and turning into a pig.
Alliance
Former president Bill Clinton, the man who got the Chinese to work with us, got Ganon to work with King Harkinian. It was decided that Ganon would be the Vice-King of Hyrule and would be in command if anything happened to the king. This resulted in a number of assassination attempts by Ganon. Unfortunately, his pig transformation wasn't enough to take down the unearthly obese King. Ganon also nearly lost his life when the King tried to eat him for dinner. Luckily for Ganon, the king never noticed that Ganon was secretly sneaking crepes from his dinner. Ganon nearly succeeded in killing the king when he fed the king a triple meat triple cheese bacon burger smothered in grease, which resulted in the King having a seizure of deliciousness. Unfortunately for Ganon, the King survived, and Ganon was forced to scrub all the floors in Hyrule before they spoke about mercy.
Ganon would finally get his time to shine when the King leveled up and became the primary Republican candidate in the United States 20XX presidential election. He went on to become president. Ganon took this opportunity to have the Faces of Evil recreated as the Faces of Hyrule, with only his face in various patriotic poses. He then had every ugly face remodeled thanks to state funded plastic surgery, stating "I will make all of your faces the greatest in Hyrule!" Ganon also made it so that anyone who broke the law would be arrested instead of scrubbing all the floors in Hyrule, which dramatically decreased crime in Hyrule. He also destroyed every magic book in Hyrule so that none could trap him in the future, and decreed that having lights in his lair was illegal. His slogan for this latter program was "You dare bring light to my lair? You must die!" When the King came back from America, he was furious to see what happened to his kingdom. He could take the beautiful people and the better judicial system, and even the no lights rule, but he could not take that there was no dinner waiting for him on the table. Ganon was immediately fired and was forced back outside of Hyrule.
A Link To The Past
Ages passed and it seemed that Doofydorf was truly dead forever. Unfortunately, the knights of Hyrule (in their attempt to dig a cheap and affordable outdoor pool) forgot to consult the city to see if where they were digging had a power line or electric line. During this highly unsafe, unrecommended, and illegal dig they disturbed the coffin of Doofydorf, reviving him in all his idiotic fury. The years had not been kind to Doofydorf and had turned his skin blue. Grabbing a pitchfork from a nearby turnip farmer, he set forth to bring prosperity and sweet rave parties to the world anew. The knights of Hyrule, their dreams of an outdoor pool ruined, sacrificed themselves to seal Doofydorf in another realm where he would throw really sweet rave parties for many, many years. This realm was known as Hell, where it was said that even the bravest of warriors would be turned into a sick monstrosity and subsequently melt.
Of course, it was only a matter of time before Doofydorf broke out to benefit the world anew. Lacking any and all originality he again promised dinner to the latest king of Hyrule which again worked perfectly since kings of Hyrule are incapable of resisting dinner. Using his position as "evil wizard that only the king trusts", he turned the Knights of Hyrule into awesome zombie swordsmen, overthrew the king, and imprisoned Zelda in Hell.
In this age, there were no shortage of conservatives, and so another (but still the exact same) Link rose up, saved Princess Zelda, and shot Doofydorf with a bunch of glow sticks. Doofydorf crumbled to ashes, the power of the glow sticks and the strength of disco putting a stop to his ambitions.
The Wind Waker
Meanwhile, in another reality, the one that takes place after Ocarina of time, where Ganon was sealed away by dark magic into the sacred realm. Ganondorf had finally gained the confidence he needed to show his face in public again and obtain the full triforce and restore Hyrule back to the way he had made it when he was last king. In order to stop another hero from appearing, he placed a heart piece inside a cave where the floor would drop out as soon as someone got within sight of the heart piece. He smoothed all the walls such that there were no valid hookshot targets and made it so that if someone lit a torch it would play the "you solved a retarded puzzle" sound and thus fool the hero into thinking it was safe to grab the heart piece.
Many heroes named Link stepped up to destroy Ganondorf, but none succeeded because they were all completionists who bought the strategy guide (published by Ganny Inc.) and tried futilely to gain the heart piece. With this hoax in place, Ganondorf was able to rule Hyrule for hundreds of years.But due to the ease of what he was doing, he was becoming incredibly fat. Fortunately for him, his newfound power allowed him to corner the entire supply of fast-acting weight loss tablets. Before the process could be completed, Hurricane Katrina poured through Hyrule, drowning the land in water and washing away all of the pills. Cut off from his supply, Ganondorf's body regressed and he gained a massive amount of weight . Ashamed, he put on a long cloak and resolved to one day rise from the seas and once again become an evil tyrant and bring Hyrule back to the standard it was when he was last king. Another Link did arise, however, this one managed to avoid the trap. Sensing the end was near, Ganondorf called up Tingle, a corrupt and degenerate banker, telling him to charge this new hero excessive prices for scraps of paper. He then rented out four rooms on the bottom floor of his tower to some giant creatures who just happened to be enemies of Link. Using the money he gained from Tingle and the rent money, he purchased a giant shape-shifting puppet for a whopping 20,000 rupees. Link smashed the puppet and the four monsters. Ganondorf waited for link at the top of the tower, knowing he was doomed because of the heavy rain that was drenching his thick robe and making it impossible for movement. In one last stroke of genius he used the next thirty seconds to do not only the best and coolest laugh done by a villain ever but also to clear his lungs of the tar that had been filling them up for the past 400 years. All the tar now out, he would be able to jump 50 ft into the air, but before he could, Link impaled him in the head and turned him to stone.
The Legend of Zelda
Unable or unwilling to resume his hideously chubby human form, Ganondorf decided to stay in his piggy form, which had become surprisingly powerful due to his increased girth. Realizing his unhealthy addiction to the Triforce, Ganondorf listened to his clinical psychiatrist Dr. Mario and elected to spread the triforce throughout the land to remove its temptation from his grasp. Setting out to rediscover himself and gain ultimate happiness, he sought to develop a theme park named Ganny World based around the rocky Death Mountain range in south western Hyrule.
In order to gain a family-friendly image, Ganondorf took a page from Walmart and hired the elderly to stand on their feet greeting people in caves all day. Unfortunately, another young manchild named Link took it upon himself to steal a backscratcher from an employee named Oldy McWiserton. Sending out his myriad of demonic monsters, Ganondorf attempted to politely escort the lad from the park. Unfortunately, the lad proved himself extremely violent and collected all of the pieces of the Triforce. Ganondorf attempted to put a stop to the monster-child himself but only succeeded in getting dustified like Doofydorf had in the past.
Link's Adventure
Seeking revenge for their fallen entrepreneur, Ganondorf's loyal demonic monsters decided to perform an elaborate ritual that would revive him. Unfortunately, the only thing capable of doing that was a little bit of *cough cough* genetic material from Link, the destructive manchild. Link, like all of the previous versions of himself, was incredibly conservative and did not agree with masturbation. Setting out to make his atrocities complete, he stormed all of Ganondorf's summer homes and destroyed all the minions within. At the final palace the last of Ganondorf's minions tried a desperate act and created a "Dark Link," an opposite Link meant to destroy him. Link's clone was as good as he was evil, which meant that he was a total sissy that couldn't fight a tissue. Resorting to dirty tactics, Link crouched in the corner and repeatedly stabbed his sword, which his double walked into, hoping for a hug that would never come.
Rumors
It is widely speculated by some that the infamous Link, celebrated all about Hyrule for his power, wisdom, and ability to destroy Ganondorf, only succeeded because of the complicated and highly detailed time travel he performed. Some say that Link went back in time after Ganondorf's multiple destructions and told himself during the Ocarina of Time Era to travel through time in order to completely and fully fuck up the time stream and the order in which everything happened. That way, he would be able to travel forward in time as a young boy and use the internet, and "A-list" sights such as Wikipedia and its affiliates, in order to learn how to properly defeat Ganondorf in every single one of his appearances. Although both the followers of Ganondorf and those who believe in this rumor consider it foulplay and cheating, if one were to actually attempt to destroy said websites and cut off Link's information supply, it is written in a descrete and well-hidden prophecy that the fragile time stream Link had created would instantly explode, killing Ganondorf, Link, Zelda, and all of the Goron tribe. This sudden genocide would bring the goddess Din such joy that she would overflow the world with drugs, eventually leading in all of the population having AIDs, and the horror this would cause would be too great for any Universe, so it would simply fold in on itself and the Goddess's memories would be wiped, leaving us back once again at the beginning of Time. Were this to happen, it would create a structured time loop, effectively ensnaring all universes, and meaning that all of creation would be trapped between the years 1980-2012 on repeat.
| |||||||||||||
