The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

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The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
The Deku Tree asking Link to touch his Deku Nuts.
Developer(s) God
Release date 1998 C.E.
Genre Action-Adventure
Platform(s) 1968 Chevy El Camino, PC
Rating AO aardvarks only
Would Osama bin Laden play it? With gusto and your mom

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time , Zeruda no Densetsu Tokay Wine no Ocarina (ゼルダの伝説 時のオカリナ ), is a videogame and a brand of Tokay Wine developed by Nintendo and published by Nintendo for the Nintendo Console with a Very Unoriginal Name. It was the first Zelda game to be done entirely in 3D and was followed by Labia Majora. It is considered by many drooling fanboys and critics to be the greatest video game of all time ever in the history of man kind (which I masturbate to quite frequently). The hero is a psychotic, terrorist-thief by the name of Link, who has been charged by Princess Zelda to steal someone's family jewels in order to fund her Triforce addiction, which Link inevitably accepts because he mistakes for a confession of love. Link misunderstands her and ends up stealing some guy's "family jewels" (if you get my drift) and hilarity ensues. Oh, and there's something about time traveling Ocarinas and a red-haired guy with a humongous yellow zit on his forehead with ears that make him look like Prince Charles. To achieve his goals Link travels through time using the titular ocarina; interacts with Hyrule's inhabitants (in more ways than one), especially Princess Ruto, a scaly girl who is a seamonkey princess, acquires weapons and items; slaughters every cute little forest creature he can find and solves puzzles in labyrinthine fish colons.


Ocarina of Time is a fourth-person killing game which takes place in the fictional kingdom of Hyscule, a very small, limitedly connected world. For some strange reason, Wikipedia says the complete opposite, which is blatantly a lie.

Link starts out with a relatively meager inventory but progressively rapes, pillages, and steals items and weapons from innocent people as the story progresses, leaving them defenseless against evil demons intent on ripping their hearts out. Actually, not even that; Link rips their hearts out. Some new items are not critical to progress through the game, while equally many are absolutely stupid and pathetically useless rewards for completing optional side quests of varying to put on the back of the box.

As in previous Zelda games, the overworld contains several dungeons. How many is several? A lot, promises Nintendo. Of course the Japanese all have 2 inch penises so its a pathetic eight. Within most dungeons, Link must battle fetish-crazed women. A dungeon typically contains a special weapon, often needed to kill some innocent huge monster in the final room. Rip their heart out and feast on it in a satanic ritual to prolong his life.

Ocarina of Time included a feature called "BBQ-targeting". Basically, it allows Link to target on defenseless people, whom he can't kill, much to his disappointment. Luckily for him, it also allows him to target on innocent monsters, so that anything he throws will always hit them. Every time. Even through walls.

Even though Link lacks the power to speak due to his parents entrusting him to a tree when he was a baby, his fault is soon made up for the fact that he has an annoying light bulb named navajo following him around, whacking him on the head and telling him to "listen".

He never does, even though the light bulb regularly gives Link vital information necessary to his quest, such as "Death Mountain sounds like a good place to visit," or "Hey! Those iron boots you have could sink to the bottom of Lake Hylia! Maybe that's where the next temple is!" Apparently, Nintendo's target audience does not know that metal sinks. Also if you cheat (which you will) the light bulb will keep asking you to do the same thing over and over. Forever.


  • Left shoulder (L1): Where Link keeps his girly sword.
  • Right shoulder (R1): Does nothing. Known to freeze the game.
  • Start button: Pause. But only for you, enemies will continue to attack in the background as you spin about through the complicated menu for all eternity, even after you die.
  • Joystick (giggity): Used to control Link in this totally open world game. Ahh... 1998.
  • A button: It is what it is.
  • B button: Cause The characters to stutter during cut scenes when pressed repeatedly. (fact)
  • Up C: Allows Navajo to spread her slanderous filth that Nintendo claims to be valuable information on the game that in reality turns you Communist. Which is bad for some reason.
  • Left C: Allows you to use Meth.
  • Right C: Fingers Zelda. (listen for moaning, works only with Dolby Surround sound mode (BETTER QUALITY THAT A SATURN CAN PLAY).)
  • Down C: The crash after you get High-C.
  • High-C: Secret button unlocked after using Left-C.
  • Z button: Uses BBQ-Targeting function.
  • Я button: (Only featured on Russian N64 controllers) Makes Link masturbate furiously if pushed rapidly.
  • Up Pad: IMMA
  • Left Pad: CHARGIN
  • Right Pad: MA
  • Down Pad: LAZERRR

Link can also be controlled using a separately sold attached headset. Buttons are assigned to various phrases. Example: To walk forward, you will have to shout "FORWARD!". If you want to move backward shout "GO BACK NOW!" And if you want him to poop, you have to shout "SHITE!" (Cleverly, this disguises as a violent verbal outburst. Just don't shit yourself out of excitement.)


Setting and Characters[edit]

The game is set in Hyrule, a hick-country created by three lesbians. When they left the land to have an orgy, they left a drug called the Triforce. The Triforce was sealed in another dimension called the "Sacred Ream", which is secured by the Apprentice Sword in its pedestal in the Temple of Clocks n' Shit.

Seven humanoid races inhabit Hyrule. The Hylians are a race which bear a resemblance to humans with the exception of their pointed elf-like ears, or so says Wikipedia. You know, they could have just said the Hylians looked like Elves, but no... Anyway, they are ruled by a totally incompetent king, whose daughter is the Triforce-addicted Princess Zelda.

The Kokiri are children who never grow up, created by the guardian spirit of Kokiri Forest, the Great Dick Tree, who makes the Kokiri touch his "Deku Nuts". They never age and never leave the forest, until Michael Jackson buys them and takes them to his bedroom for some Jesus juice. All Kokiri children have an annoying bulb of light which accompanies them throughout their lives. Link, the antihero of the game, lives among them at of the beginning the game. His closest friend is a Kokiri named Saria, who wants him really badly, but later gets captured by Michael Jackson and taken to the Forest Temple. Link chases him and slices his nuts off, resulting in the defeat on Michael Jackson in a very "Wicked Witch of the West" fashion (HE's Melting!!-HAHA, stupid gay diva). He makes sure Saria escaped without being "worse for wear" (nothing would have happened however, Michael hates girls). After he rescued her, Link finally asks her out, but she says she found out about Zelda, Malon, Ruto, Cucco Lady, and all 357 Lesbians. Saria dumped him on the spot, but Link then found the real Saria (who COULD grow up) and killed the fake, who turned out to just be Chuck Testa.

The Morons are large, brown creatures that vary immensely in size but all have beer guts and rock hard old man nipples. They live in a city halfway up Death Mountain, an active volcano, hence their name, and are led by a paedophile, Darunia, who likes touching Link, also to whom Link must play Saria's Song so that he gets an erection.

On the other hand, there's a bunch of fish people who live at the source of Zora's River, the kingdom's water supply. The river runs all the way through Hyrule to Lake Hylia, at the very opposite end of the kingdom. The fish people are ruled by some deformed fat frog guy whose daughter eventually gets married to Link, even though Link already has two other wives, Saria and Zelda, but that's okay because you're adopted. The guardian spirit of Zora's Domain is Lord Jabu-Jabu, an immensely enormous fish with cows sticking out of the walls of his gut.

The Lesbians are an almost entirely female race of thieves who live in the desert to the west. Only one male is born to the lesbians every hundred years and that male is always made their King. The most recent of these is Ganondorf, a paedophile with black armor and a huge yellow zit on his forehead. He's stupid because he wants to rule Hyrule when he could have made millions from selling hot lesbian porno.

Other notable characters in the game include Link's annoying lightbulb companion Navajo, his horse Epona, the twin lesbian witches Twinrova (individually named Koume and Kotake) both of whom are Ganondorf's surrogate mothers (okay. Ganondorf is a bastard), Zelda's hippy alter-ego Sheik, and the country-hicks Talon, Malon, and Ingo. Talon and Malon are highly reminiscent of the characters Marin and Tarin in the previous title in the series, The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening, primarily because they're Marin and Tarin's in-bred descendants. Additionally, a large chicken named Kaepora Gaebora advises Link throughout his quest.


After accidentally setting fire to his father, a Great Dick Tree, Link steals his tree daddy's family jewel. (Yes, he only has the one). He makes a living selling Dick Nuts to Hyrule Town's population, which he does so at a scandalously high price, due to it having the same properties as viagra and also because Link accidentally killed the only source of Dick Nuts i.e. his dad.

In Hyrule, he meets Princess Zelda. She asks him to steal two more jewels in order to fund her Triforce addiction. He sets off, gets in a few scrapes, an encounter with a fat Moron paedophile and accidentally married to a fish. Later, Zelda hits Link in the head with one of his three empty bottles and he ends up in a coma only to wake up seven years into the future, where he is seven years older and Good King Ganondorf rules effectively. (Under Ganondorf's rule, Hyrule Field is safer, he has protected the Kokiri children from Michael Jackson with his monsters, destroyed the bridge leading to a city of thieves and kidnappers, routed out a terrorist organisation that produced bombs, resurrected the extinct dragons, froze an evil cult that worshipped a man eating whale and overseen the flourishing of Kakariko Town).

Since Link is a lazy bugger and there are no cars around, he steals a horse from the local champion horse breeder and jockey, whom has been frequently seen slapping this beast. Link likes to give the horse carrots, which usually means slapping her silly. He rides her across Hyrule, pillaging villages, by burning their women and raping their churches. Of course, he also massacres the monsters that want to protect the Kokiri children from Michael Jackson, screws around with Sage herb or something and kills Ganondorf's Generals, because Zelda told him to and Link is a brainless pawn in her plans to rule the world.

Link becomes a terrorist and wages war against Ganondorf's regime. Armed with Fire arrows, explosive terrorist devices, and some sticks, Link kills innocent monsters and eventually exterminates Ganondorf, so as to bring in a new era that would last a thousand years. "Drinks on me" and all that jazz. He then goes back in time and eventually stops his mother from meeting his father. Hilarity ensues, as he dressed up as Darth Vader and tries to scare his father into marrying his mother again. He warns Doc Emmett Brown about being shot, who then jumps into his DeLorean and goes back to the future.

If you watch the credits for a while you can witness some epic hentai btw.

The Quest for the Bigmoron Sword[edit]

It is possible for Link to replace his starting sword for the much larger Bigmoron Sword by solving a vast puzzle involving trading various useless items for other useless items, until eventually someone just gives him the sword out of pity for his slavish obedience to the whims of every person who he ever meets. The exact sequence of trades necessary is outlined below

  • He starts with an egg, which hatches into a chicken
  • Which he trades for another egg that hatches into a blue chicken
  • Which he trades for some PCP
  • Which he trades for a bong
  • Then thirty days later, Link finally gets that dang sword after all of that.


A new Zelda was revealed with a technical demo shown at the 1995 SpaceWorld, and originally planned as an add-on to the sex doll 64. She seemed sluttier than the original, but that's completely irrelevant to the topic. A new Legend of Zelda game, however, was also shown at the 1995 SpaceWorld. The development crew for the game involved over 120 people, including stuntmen to take the place of some of the more important game developers for the more dangerous aspects of game coding.

The game also contains development code and text that does not exist. Leftover Japanese text in the item banks reveals that there were two extra medallions called the Break Wind and Vanilla Ice Medallions at one point in development. There is data that allows the medallions to be equipped as an item, allowing them to fart like a cow or rap really badly.


Ocarina of Time itself gained a large amount of fat before release; consequently, only those who had pre-ordered the game had any guarantee of receiving a copy. Many copies had been preordered by McDonald's and were sold as Chicken McNuggets the following day.

Pre-ordered copies of the game were made from solid gold, even the circuits. As they were made entirely from metal, users were advised not to touch the cartridge when playing the game, as they would end up being electrocuted. Many Zelda fans committed suicide this way when they realised that Link still looked like a pile of polygons and not the sexy hunk they imagined him to be. Those who didn't pre-order a copy had to make do with a grey version made out of cardboard. This version was filled with many carbs due to the pre-release weight-gain and is rarely found outside of a fat household today.


An early work-in-progress screenshot of Ocarina of Time shows Link receiving the Triforce from a treasure chest. This scene can only be unlocked once you kill a million monsters, play the Song of Time backwards a thousand times and then put Link's dick into the Pedestal of Time. Many rumours abound that you can actually do it another way. They're lying bastards, but you can trust me.

There were also rumours that the game would feature realistic graphics, instead of the sharp, jaggy polygons that make Link look as if he has no groin. Frankly, fans took those rumours as seriously as the N64's development name, "Project Reality". (As in, they lapped it up like the gullible morons they are). I mean, honestly, how stupid were you?

A sequel, set in -9876 entitled The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina in Time, might be released in 2034, depending on the strength of the future currency: relish.


Ocarina of Time's music was composed by Grimace from McDonald's. "The music is culturally and worldly inspired", says Wikipedia, or in other words, it's bland crap that you've heard a million times before. In some locations, the music is a variation of an important ocarina tune related to that area i.e. the composer was feeling lazy and rehashed a song he'd already made for another part of the game. Mick Jagger produced the music for the game on his album "Hot Gerudo Lovin'" Queen Latifah also produced the music for Lost Woods and the theme of Kakariko Village.


Nintendo released many versions of the game, fixing bugs and things and adding stuff players complained about.

Ocarina of Time was re-released in two different forms for the Nintendo GameCube as part of the Ocarina of Time: Master Quest and Collector's Edition compilation discs. In both the Master Quest and Collector's Edition, the game was an illegal ROM instead of a port.

One significant difference in these versions is that Nintendo altered the original crescent moon and star symbol of the Gerudo to a design later used to represent the pirates in Majora's Mask, again due to Islamic protest.


Nintendo called shenanigans when their bland copyrighted name, seamonkeys, was stolen by the company that sells tadpoles and markets them as miniature, aquatic humans. Nintendo took them to court but lost and consequently the company that sells tadpoles gained the right to make a game featuring every character that has appeared in a Nintendo game ever and so they made Seamonkey's barroom brawl. Seamonkey's barroom brawl was widely acclaimed to be the greatest video game ever by 10 year olds.

Reception and impact[edit]

Ocarina of Time became the worst-selling game of 2012, with 8 copies sold. It went on to sell a total of 12 copies worldwide.

It wasn't only commercially retarded, but was also a tremendous fail as Navi is constantly saying stuff you know and because of the lack of Tingle. Ocarina of Time was ranked second behind the ET game which was ranked first on the 2005 edition of IGN's 1,000,000 greatest video games of all time, and came in first on the reader's hate list. Nintendo Power, a lobby group for Nintendo rights, called Ocarina of Time the greatest game to ever appear bearing that name. Pithy users on some website chose an Ocarina as their nineteenth instrument of choice. As a result of these and other similar statements, an Ocarina was disqualified for illegal drug use in the London 2012 Olympics. In addition, when the UK's N64 Magazine reviewed Ocarina, they delayed the full review by one month in order to understand why it wuz liek sew gai. Finally, after an exhaustive review covering every reviewer in the magazine's least favorite moments and some coverage of The Worst Game Ever, the game was awarded 98 million% by the N64 staff, but I think they might be biased. The music from Ocarina of Time was negatively-received by many critics. Riots have even started in Times Square because of how much everyone hated it. To quote David Hasselhoff, "omg wut is dis i dun liek at all omg stopid lgs need 2 git a life i mean cum on hahahaha ok wut." In addition, Ocarina of Time is known as the most underrated game in history. It seems to get mainly negative reviews but a few select fans (n00bz) have this to say, "ZOMG! my fav game EVAR!!!!!!!!!!"

The 3D Remake[edit]

“You shouldn't have done that.”


Shortly after the frickin' retards at Nintendo made the 3DS, a new handheld that could display 3D without glasses, decided to remake Ocarina of Time with newer, better graphics. This was a bad idea, because it pissed off too many fans; mainly because they got rid of the old, crappy N64 graphics that everyone got to know and love. All of the fans kept saying, "If we wanted to see Link with fingers, we would have just read the Ocarina of Time Manga". On top of this, they got rid of the gushy red stuff that everyone loved from the most epic dungeon in the entire game, which in turn, caused many fanboys who grew up using the original game as a pacifier to subsequently pound nails into their eyes in order to replicate what the 3D blood effects might have looked like had they kept it. To make matters worse, GONAD made the fairy bitch twice as annoying, now telling you to take a break every five minutes, lest your eyes bleed from the 3D effects (not that they aren't; your stupid fanboy ass probably did the 'nails in the eyes' thing before she even said a word).