The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
| The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess' Testicles | |
|---|---|
 "Damn! Are those real?!" | |
| Developer(s) | YMCA |
| Release date | 10,000 BC |
| Genre | Action-Adventure |
| Platform(s) | Testicles |
| Rating | meh |
| Would Barbara Walters play it? | No, but he'd play with himself |
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess , Zeruda no Densetsu Towairaito Purinsesu no Dickonsa Maza di Nihongo Nintenis no Coinu hyōjungo kyōtsūgo (ゼルダの伝説 トワイライトプリンセス ), is an action-adventure game developed by Nintendo Entertainment Analysis and Development and published by Nintendo for the Glorious Worldwide Nintendo Revolution... or some kind of dolphin... no one's really sure which. It is one of a number of games that shares an almost identical plot to The Legend of Zelda: Blink-182 is Passé, yet is still called an original piece of work that doesn't plagiarise on its earlier counterparts. Honest!
Originally planned for release in November 2005, it was delayed by Nintendo so that the EAD staff could add more content and refine the game.[1] The Wii version was released on the day of the Nintendo Revolution and was later made King of the Nintendo States of America in November and December of 2006. This makes Twilight Princess the first Zelda game to be King at the very debut at the launch of a Nintendo console. The GameCube version, which was made first and in our Universe (unlike the Wii version which was made in a parallel universe where everything is back-to-front) was released in December 2006. Twilight Princess was called The Wind Waker 2 during its early internal development, but was changed to Twilight Princess when the staff realised it would be fun to put two versions of Tingle in it.
Twilight Princess is the first game in The Legend of Zelda series to be rated T by the ESRB, despite having no tea in it whatsoever. The game's story takes place not long after the events of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and focuses on some werewolf as he goes on a rampage amongst completely oblivious twats that don't notice their Kingdom is being occupied by evil demonic forces.
Plot[edit]
A werewolf gets a call to liberate three objects from three separate dungeons, just like in the third game. He uses those objects to defeat a great evil that has once again overthrown the Royal Family and taken over without anybody really noticing or caring, or at least he tries to. Said werewolf finds its not enough, goes to find Master Sword, gets it and then goes on another random journey with the Sword until he meets up with the bad guy, who turns out to be Ganondork again. Real original, Nintendo.
After killing Ganondorf (again), Link has a threesome with Midna and Ganon. However, Midna was only looking for a one night stand, so she left a note on the dresser and destroyed the Mirror of Twilight so Link couldn't leave messages on her answering machine. Link didn't even know this Zelda, so she left to go have sex with the that big statue guarding the master sword. Crestfallen (and rejected by two strange, but hot beings in the same day), Link returns to his farm and has sex with that slutty farm chick, his life having "peaked" (in more ways than one) with the threesome. The end.
Characters[edit]
Link - Some kind of terrorist werewolf.
Ilia - an icky bitch who no one likes
Zant - (See "bat-sh*t-loco") Zant is an asshole new-coming villain who manages to take over Hyrule in about three seconds, breaking the record set by Ganondorf of seven years. (Although to be fair, Hyrule's soldiers are complete losers that make even cops look good). He gets more screentime than Zelda, because he is the Twilight Princes[2]. He is hated for turning his citizens from drugged-up layabouts into badass warriors who can bring themselves back from the dead by having an orgasm. His main goal is to find a world for himself that isn't hovering over some pit of death and actually has food and water. What an asshole! I hate him!
Zelda - A sexy, anti-social b*tch who rules Hyrule from a Throne Room placed at the very top of a stupidly huge castle, forcing visiting dignitaries to die from heart attacks halfway up. After Zant took over Hyrule, Zelda locked herself in a room for five hours. She turned emo as a result and Link must save Hyrule to vanquish the emoness in Zelda's soul. She cuts her wrists later on in an effort to bring Midna back to life, killing herself in the process. She is referred to as Ganon's Puppet, which is sadly a lot more true than you'd think.
Ooccoo - Ooccoo is the result of alcohol and interspecies erotica[3]. Both she and her horribly malformed son now hide in various dungeons in an effort to escape the Russian Government. Link eventually finds refuge for them in a place in the sky, where he sells them to a pawn shop for a map of the city. She also has tits on her back.
Ganondorf - He's the fugly guy who appears at the end of every Zelda game. Has a large glowing scar from his quadruple bypass surgery, which happened because he got too fat in Wind Waker. This is also the first appearance of Ganondorf with mutton chops and red hair.
Nameless Mail Man - When the game was undgoing its fifth delay, Shigeru Miyamoto decided he wanted to make the game very good, as with Ocarina of Time. However, due to a psychotic episode, Miyamoto wanted to make sure that the game had such a horrible flaw that it would never top his masterpeice; but, Miyamoto was kind of lazy, so he wanted to only have to make one character that could completly sabatoge the game. The result was the Mail Man. Just like in real life, the mail man is a faggot. However, this mailman decides to show up at completly random times and interupt the whole FUCKING GAME! The worst part is that the mail he delivers is absolutly annoying and meaningless. His usual deliveries inculude:
- Junkmail
- Magazines such as "Playboy"
- Comics and Manga written in strange languages that Link can't even read so to piss him off
- Advertisements (typically for complete crap, like shoes)
- Coupons
- Bills
- Jury duty
- Pink slips
- Notes to Link telling him how much of a loser he is
- Letter bombs
- Stupid crap from charity programs asking for money
- Cheques from Hitler
- Birthday cards from relatives (but the asshole mailman takes all the money out of them, so they suck)
- Fanmail from nerdy Zelda fans that Link doesn't even read :(
- "I'm pregnant" messages from Link's past relationships
Basically, the Mail Man is the biggest fag ever to grace the videogame world with his vexacious presence.
MIDNA - Some imp thing who's into wolves. MIDNA also has a speach impediment, saying things like "Give me oint balm" and "I don't care bitch!" when she speaks. Luckily, Miyamoto decided to translate her, or, as she would say: "See the rain veggies!". Other than this Midna is probably the coolest character ever to be put into a zelda game due to having more powers than Link, Ganandork, and Zelda combined.
Ghost Teacher - Bruce Lee in drag.
Barnes-a Middle aged man Who makes bombs for terrorists, His faverout activities include Bombing Goths, And scaring children. Link blows up his house, Naturally Barnes blames the IRA. Nobody in Barnes's village (Crackariko). Like barnes due to barnes's apparent lack of social skills. This forces him to try to make freinds with the gorons and even they are wary of him.
That Pregnant Women- Appears to be a kind gentle little bitch, but does in fact give birth to the devil's child at the end.
Yeta - NOT TAKE FUCKING MIRROR!!!
Gameplay[edit]
Twilight Princess features a stylized, naturalistic art style that has absolutely nothing to do with the gameplay whatsoever, but does make the topless Great Fairies look reasonably hot. You know, for a videogame character. In a further departure from The Wind Waker, Link is an adult, instead of an underaged target for pedophiles. The game also takes a darker tone, rivalling that of Labia Majora's Mask, in that most of the scenes consist of nothing but the colour black.
Link spends most of his time riding a horse or being ridden on by Midna. When he's not riding or being ridden upon, he's up to his usual antics of thievery, stealing money from people's homes and interacting with some creepy girl with a sexual fetish for bugs.
The Wii version uses the Wii remote in the "donkey punch" and "smoker" position[4]. In contrast, the Gamecube version doesn't have any sexual-innuendo-controller issues and is thus incapable of being made fun of... Damn Gamecube controller!
In Twilight Princess, according to Wikipedia, Link shares similar moves between human and wolf. Yeah, a wolf can really wield a sword, can't it? I mean, leaping into the air and stabbing them with a sword is so much like ripping out someone's soul, isn't it, you dumbasses?! Oh, and yeah... Link can communicate with animals in wolf form, so he's some kind of werewolf hippy thing.
Clothing[edit]
There are four sets of clothing in the game. Ain't that neat? He starts off with country hick clothing, complete with bare foot and chewing straw. His second outfit is the puke green tunic, under which he wears a large white baby sleeper thing complete with gloves and little white booties, over which he wears brown gloves and his favorite high heeled cowboy boots. Then there's the compulsory blue diving tunic complete with heavy oxygen tank and the Magic Tinkle Armour, that makes you piss every second you wear it. Wow, how useful...
Abilities[edit]
Believe it or not, Link has abilities in this game. He learns these from the ghost of a werewolf, despite the abilities being so damned obvious that Link could have worked them out for himself.
As a werewolf, Link has all the abilities of a wolf. Superhuman strength, the ability to track someone down like a bloodhound and of course, the usual weakness to silver bullets. Being set in a medieval period, however, silver bullets rarely come into play.
Just like in the other Legend of Zelda games he also has a strange ability to devour the hearts of beasts he has killed and store them, giving him more health, he can have a maximum of 20 hearts, so fuck you Doctor Who!!!!!
Special Features[edit]
This Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess has several features that make it different from all other Legend of Zelda games...but not really.
1. First of all, The Great Fairy is topless! ALRIGHT!!!![5]
2. Link begins the game with a naked floating midget (Midna) shoved up his ass. Normally, Tingle would play the role of the stupid little short guy who gives advice, but due to the fact that he's a fucking ugly pedo-faggot, Tingle was replaced by Midna (thank god!).
3. You can go fishing in the game's exclusive Fishing Hole and catch beer cans with a bobber rod! If one gets very lucky, they can try their luck at catching the game's rarest fish: The Hylian Minnow!
4. In his puppy form, Link gains the ability to rape his enemies to death.
5. Ganondorf finally reveals his homosexuality in this game and announces that he is officially taking the role of a "Personal Jesus" (God). Sadly, he gets dumped because nobody in Hyrule likes his mutton chops. He also gets sued by Depeche Mode.
6. You can play minigames, such as the Snowboarding with Yeto game. This minigame is rumored to rival SSX Tricky in terms of playability, controls, characters, and the overall quality of snowboarding.
7. Link can also shove Ooccoo and other chickens up his ass, even if Midna's already there!
8. Besides Midna and other chickens up his ass he can also shove a huge iron ball several times the size of his head in there, too, man, that's what i call ROOM.
9. If Link kills a chicken, he becomes a chicken! This is so help-...maybe not.
10. The world is mirrored on the Wii Version, making it a pain in the ass to write walkthroughs for this game.
11. The third Light Spirit Link saves nearly kills him with some drugs.
12. Nintendo promotes biracial relationships by making Midna (the hot one) fall in love with Link and vice versa. (In other news, Shigeru Miyamoto gets a blank check from the NAACP.)
13. Epona gains the ability of flight.
14. Then when you port the game he's back to left handed.
15. A few of the chickens grew boobs, i.e. Ooccoos.
16. Fangirls flee in terror whenever Link is around! (I don't know why, they just do)
17. Beating the game on all three saved file selections will allow you to unlock a hidden cut-scene each.
File 1: Shows that after returning to Ordon, Link had 9 children with that slutty farm chick, and no not Illa; yep, that other one.
File 2: Apparently Ganon never died, that's right. After standing there like a dumb ass he decided to take over Hyrule using the same techniques as Zant. (Walking up and demanding, hmm...words do work.) Plus he gets distracted from fishing rods with pink dildos on the end (though, to be fair, who wouldn't be).
File 3: It shows the people of Hyrule asking the gods for the hero to appear again. Sadly, Beth wouldn't allow Link to leave again because it was obvious he wouldn't come back. Must be that Gerudo in him.
18. Using a secret code Link will lie down and touch himself.
Music[edit]
Link is too cheap ass to spring for decent instruments this time round and almost every intstrument in the game is made out of grass or herby things he finds on the ground. Even the soundtrack consists of nothing but kazoos made out of grass leaves and twangy string. Lead music directors at the KKK studio decided to further get the idea across of this game being farmer porn by having no orchastrated music.
Development[edit]
A number of rumours floated about before the game was released, which isn't really that spectacular when you consider that there's always rumours about games before they're released. At first, the game was just called The Legend of Zelda, because the game developers weren't feeling very creative. Yet again, that's not really news, seeing as the plots of nearly every Zelda game in existence has been rather samey since A Link to the Past[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much].
The game falls chronologically a few decades after Ocarina of Time, though the reference to being before The Wind Waker has been omitted in recent interviews with the developers, because they realised that once again, their new game doesn't fit in with the others. Interviews and a playable demo exposed many new details, such as Link beginning the game as a country hick and so on.
The game's release was delayed extensively (its original release date was somewhere in November 2005) until August 16, 2105, when Nintendo announced it would be released some time after March 31, 3006, because the development team needed more time to gaze at the Great Fairy boobies. In February, some shouty guy from Nintendo of America stated in an interview on a spike that Twilight Princess would be released in the Autumn of 3117, well past the expected spring or early summer release but still in time for the oncoming apocalypse. At Nintendo’s pre-E3 3117 press conference, Reggie Fils-Aime announced that two versions would be released simultaneously in two parallel worlds.
According to statements from Nintendo, such as from translator and localization manager Bill Trinen, it took the Twilight Princess game testers an average of 70 hours to beat the game on the first run-through. This was because they were complete crap. An average gamer takes about 7 hours to complete this piss easy game.
Twilight Princess on Wii[edit]
The Wii version of the game has to be played facing a mirror, as everything on screen is back-to-front. Players had to get used to everything being reversed, moving the Wiimote left to make Link swing right, day being night, night being day, Link being a girl, Zelda being a guy, Ganondorf being straight, beds sleeping on people, Soviet Russia being communist etc. etc.
Critical reception[edit]
Opinion was divided between those who couldn't stop staring at the naked Fairies and those who thought it was a pile of overrated, overly easy crap. Many sad, horny teenagers were far too engrossed at naked boobies to even complete the game, but managed to call it a runaway success. Many complained the game was too easy, however; and that it could be finished four hours before you started playing.
Well received aspects of the game include the mid-game story shift and the ability to warp between Link's younger and older self... wait... no. Um, the Three-day time loop was a complex and entertaining system .... err wait...the brilliantly vibrant cell shaded graphics were a breath of........... Damn it!
Sales[edit]
Depending on who you're to believe, Twilight Princess either sold like hotcakes or like hotdogs. Incidentally, mustard sales coincidentally increased, with one bottle for each copy of the game.
Controversy[edit]
Many Hindu temples in Japan and North America have complained that content of the game was deemed offensive to their religion. Their concerns are as follows.
1. The monentary unit is Rupee.
2. One of Gannondorf's forms is "Sacred Beast".
3. Gannondorf has the ability to come back to life in many forms.
4. In previous games, a large, quivering mass has charged the Japanese protagonist 200 Rupees for a glass sword.
References[edit]
- ↑ EAD Staff: We, uh, we just added more boobies and made the boobies looke more real. Most the time, we spent playing with ourselves coz the boobies were so hawt.
- ↑ Whoops. Unmarked spoiler. Oh well, who cares?
- ↑ Ramsoomair, Scott (2007). Some Sagging. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-02.
- ↑ Ramsoomair, Scott (2007). Smooth Moves. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-02.
- ↑ Gawd whoever wrote this has no life!!
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