The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
|The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|
Link proves he's a complete poof.
|Release date||Apocalypse Day|
|Rating||AO aardvarks only|
|Would Lech Wałęsa play it?||I'm too depressed to play anything...|
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask , Zeruda no Densetsu Mujura no Where in the World is Kamen Sandiego (or Kamen Rider) (ゼルダの伝説 ムジュラの WHERE IN THE WORLD IS 仮面 SANDIEGO ), is an action-adventure game developed by General Organisation of Nintendo Analysis and Development (GONAD) and published by Nintendo for the Nintendo 69 video game console. It was released in Neo Tokyo on April 27 2000, in Jesusland on October 26 2000 and in Old Europe on November 17 2000. The game is basically a rip-off of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland and some story about the moon crashing into the Earth, possibly starring Bruce Willis.
The game traps the player in a three-day Groundhog Day cycle in which time the Moon slowly descends upon the Earth and tries to ass fuck everyone it hits. If the player is a whore crapper the moon will slam down onto the Earth, wiping out all life as we know it. It has happened many times but luckily, when that happens, the game resets the Universe back to the first of the three day period. Only when the player defeats Majora's Mask is the entire Earth saved. That is why the game has been banned as the world populace is tired of having to deal with the same three day cycle of doom over and over again every time some jerk decides to play the game.
Did I mention that this game was the first to feature Tingle? Well, now you know.
The gameplay in Majora's Mask is absolutely identical to Ocarina of Time, except for the Master Sword bit. It is the second game of its kind to not feature Ganondorf as a major enemy. You guide the thief, Link, as he wears masks in order to rob people and eventually save the world from the moon and some Emo Kid with a fruity mask in the hopes of getting a huge fat monetary reward.
Link maintains his usual repertoire of basic actions including seeing, breathing and hearing. As in previous installments of the series Link uses a variety of weapons to battle enemies and to solve puzzles. The sword is a weapon. Link uses it several times throughout the course of foreplay. The shield is just for show. The bow and arrows are typically used to give people acupuncture. Link can stun enemies with Dick and Nuts then inflict damage with his "tiny weapon". Link does also get a magic magnifying glass later in the game that's used to see objects through peoples clothes (e. g. someone's boobies). As in other games, Link is a terrorist and has a repertoire of bombs that can be used to wage jihad against the Infidels and clear obstacles, while the hook shot is capable of latching onto an enemy and pulling it towards Link or for latching onto an object to pull Link himself to it. As a little weird kid who is brown and has a deformed mouth he can blow bubbles out of bubblegum that, in case of coming into contact with an enemy's skin, will explode and the enemy will turn red for a split second and take damage.
Because of the three-day time system Majora's Mask is the first game in the Zelda series to have a boss replay feature. After defeating a boss and playing the Song of Time, the player could reenter the dungeon and be invited back to the sado-masochistic boss's room via a warp pad that lies very close to the dungeon's entrance. Given the dynamic nature of the bosses, this feature is extremely useful.
There are many masks with which Link can use to disguise himself whilst on his robbing spree.
- Deku mask - Turns you into a puppet. Makes you burn while exposed to fire.
- Zora mask - Turns you into a fish person.
- Moron mask- Turns you into a Moron.
- Great Fairy mask - Turns you into a hot topless babe.
- Bomb Mask - Allows you to explode and break items, but you take damage, unless you use your shield. WTF?
- Pied Piper Mask - Link turns into a psychopathic pedophile who lures away the bomber children and uses them in unspeakable ways.
- Fat Pig mask -Allows you to find hidden magic mushrooms
- Frog mask - Makes frogs so high and drunk that they think you have a frog on your head and makes you so high that you think you can understand them.
- Stoner mask - Makes Link appear to be high on weed and/or appear as a hippie.
- All Night mask - Used in One Night stand mini-quest
- Postman's hat - Given to you by the government to allow you to legally read other people's mail. It also gives you the power to go berserk and take people hostage on a shooting rampage.
- Cow hat - Allows you to enter Café Latte where you can buy Chateau Romani milk which gets you raving drunk in minutes.
- Gas Mask - Gives Link the ability to talk, although the only thing he can say is, "Are you my mummy?"
- Couples mask - Allows you to hook people up for one night stands
- Big-ass mask - Allows you to turn to the size of a giant, the only way to squash Ikanan cockroaches.
- Mummy mask - Allows you to blend into the new fashion craze that's all around Ikana
- Circus Leader's mask - Given to you by a drunken man named Gorman after singing Ballad of the Windfish
- Playboy Bunny Mask- Allows you to run really fast, and get access to the Playboy Mansion.
- Richie Rich Mask- Allows you to prance around like a spoiled fucking brat bragging about all the money you have when all you really have is 25 rupees and a pack of gum.
- Fierce Diety Mask - Link turns into Fierce Deity, who is the Chuck Norris of the Zelda series
- Chuck Norris Mask - Makes you totally invincible and grants one-hit kills. With this mask, it makes the Fierce Diety Mask look like a cheap Halloween mask.
Three-day cycle and songs
Majora's Mask is the first in the series to feature a clock function that keeps track of the number of days you're playing. This was achieved by strapping a huge timer to the cartridge. In-game events are triggered at certain times thanks to the cartridge's connection to a cursed timer. When the timer reaches zero, not only does the Moon crash into Termina, but the real moon also crashes into the Earth. The game cartridge also explodes, killing anyone in the vicinity and destroying the cursed timer, which leads to a paradox that rewinds time. Very sophisticated stuff this. Unfortunately, Nintendo was too cheap ass to spring for decent timers. So in reality, players only have 54 minutes before the cartridge explodes.
The timer can be reset by playing the Song of Time, one of the Beatles's lesser known Satanic hits. Not only is the timer reset, but also the entire Universe itself is reset to the very second you started to play the game.
Other uses for songs include manipulating the weather, teleporting between owl statues spread throughout Termina and summoning Satanic beasts from the Netherworld. Each transformation mask uses a different instrument: Dick Scrub Link plays your pipe, Moron Link plays bongo drums and Fishface Link plays a fishbone guitar. Michael Jackson Guitars created a limited edition 7,000-string replica of this guitar that was the grand prize in a contest run by the Nintendo rights group, Nintendo Power.
During the three-day cycle many non-player characters follow fixed schedules that Link can track using the Al Qaeda's Notebook. The notebook tracks up to twenty characters in need of divine retribution, such as a soldier to whom Link delivers illicit drugs, and a pedophile woman engaged to a little boy. Blue bars on the notebook's time line indicate when characters are available for one-on-one action, and icons indicate that Link has received items, such as masks, from the characters.
The game is set in Termina, a place with an obsession with clocks and masks. It appears to be an alternate version of Hyrule simply because the game developers couldn't be arsed to design new characters and just reused everything from Ocarina of Time. Pretty much everyone is reused plus a little kid that looks like a cross between Saria and Link but with purple hair.
The land of Termina contains all the areas that it is legally required to possess. Clock Town, the only major town in existence, lies in the centre of the land. It contains numerous gaming establishments run by Carnies, a post office run by a maniac with a rabbit fetish, a rather sad little park full of criminals, a terrorist training camp, and a bar that sells spiked milk. The only functioning toilet in the entire town is in Stock Pot Inn and somebody lives in it, which makes using it rather difficult, especially seeing as the person living in it likes to fist people's asses. Clock Town is also home to a terrorist group known as the "Bombers", a bunch of prepubescent wild children who are the result of a town that has no residential areas and no schools.
To the south of Clock Town is the Southern Swamp. The resident Dick Scrub population has set up a hereditary monarchy within the confines of the jungle-like area. The most prominent feature of this area is the Woodfall Temple, an ancient hippie shrine that has fallen into disuse and now plays home to various monsters that have been spiking the local swamp with bright purple wine. North of Clock Town is the Snowhead mountain range where the Morons live. Though normally temperate, the area has recently been covered with 1mm of snow, which has brought all of the
UK's region's transport to a grinding halt. The western area of Termina is the Great Bay. The fish live here along with a society of lesbian pirates. Link kills an escaped mental patient here and steals his body like some sort of doctor who monster. Using his newly acquired body, Link spies on the lesbians. The Ikana Canyon lies to the east. It is a desolate and barely inhabited area filled with the wandering spirits of the dead and a guy who lives with his daughter in a giant record player. The family had recently Installed satellite TV turning the father into some sort of zombie. Link must sneak into the house and Play Music to him in order to get Toilet paper, which he uses to hide his ugly face and pretend to be dead.
One day Link wandered into the Lost Woods with Doc Brown and Saria in the Delorean time machine (Who warned Link and Saria about their future kids at the end of the last game) bails out on the two and thus foiling Doc's time travel mission and gets on his horse and falls off on account of being absolutely wasted. Some random Emo Kid with a brightly colored mask grabbed Link's instrument. After blowing it Link, the hero of the game wakes up in a state of mass confusion and runs after him.
He follows the Emo Kid into a rabbit hole where he falls into Wonderland and gets turned into a Dick Scrub. After making a joke about giving Link wood, the Emo Kid disappears. Link, being the psychopathic terrorist he is, is pretty annoyed at the lame joke and goes off to kill the Emo Kid.
He meets up with a psychotic hyper salesman and the two get along like wildfire. Producing an organ from out of his ass, the salesman teaches Link a new tune that can reverse time and thus curses Link and the player to relive the same three days over and over again.
Link goes around Termina robbing from people whilst disguising himself with masks. He eventually destroys the moon and kills the Emo Kid for making fun of him. Poor Emo Kid!
Link has saved Termina: The Land of the Terminal Cancer Patients from a falling moon but will he ever meet his future kids? Like wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop; The world may never know?
Another notable feature of the game is a number of sub-plots that consist of Link wasting his three days making people happy. Of course when the moon blows everything to smithereens and time resets, all his good work is undone and should count for bugger all. Which it sort of does, unless you consider gaining a useless mask and a stamp in a diary meaningful. But after three days' work you'd have thought Link would prefer a sandwich.
This game uses the exact same material as Ocarina of Time which doesn't explain why it took so damned long to make. Maybe the developers were slacking off. I mean, even the Evil Groundhog Day Curse they put on the game cartridge doesn't take that long to do. A little chicken blood, a sacrificial virgin, a few chants and candles, and Bob's your monkey's uncle!
It is interesting to note, however, that Kafei is the first appearance of a character that should have appeared in Ocarina of Time. He was supposed to be Link and Ganondorf's lovechild. Majora's Mask being set in an alternate dimension, however, Kafei's role in the game changed to random purple-haired child, engaged to marry a pedophilic woman much older than him.
The game has spawned a popular show entitled '72'. It follows Link Bauer as he tries to prevent an emo terrorist from launching the world's most elaborate terrorist attack, making the moon fall onto the Earth.
Obviously, this plan could never possibly work so most of the time you see Link being a lazy shit. This show's popularity has caused a parody series entitled 24 is be created which has almost nothing to do with 72 except for the line 'dammit' which is used very often in 72, usually when dick mask Link is set on fire.
In some random year, Nintendo re-released The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask on the Nintendo Gamecube, thinking we wouldn't realise it was an old game. Similar to other Gamecube re-releases, it isn't a port, but an illegal ROM of the original game running on an illegal software emulator. Nintendo is currently taking legal action against itself. A new feature has been added which makes the game randomly crash every two seconds.
Nintendo had decided to meet a terrible fate and remake the game on the 3DS, adding faster loading times, HD graphics, 3D inducing seizures, two fishing ponds, and easier boss battles because gamers complained about how hard the original boss fights were.
In September 7th, 2010 a guy named Jadusable posted a chilling story about his encounters with a Haunted copy of Majora's Mask. Supposedly, a spirit named BEN kept stalking him everytime he played this game. Jadusable eventually got fed up and tried to seek help on the internet. Bad idea. As soon as he posted his footage to Youtube, BEN spread like wildfire across the internet."I am everywhere" he says... so be on the lookout...
- Clichéd Videogame Stages Act of 2004
- The Wrong Kind of Snow. Wikipedia.