Vaati

Vaati
The cut mark under the eye confirms he's awesome
First appearance	Gone with the Wind
Last appearance	Mary Poppins
No. appearances	OVER 9,000!!!
Created by	Shigeru Potatomoto
Portrayed by	The Joker
Profile
Nickname(s)	One-Eyed Batty Blob of AWESOME
Aliases	Gufuu
Species	Awesome!
Age	42
Gender	Male, or Female, its kinda hard to tell.
Date of birth	0 AD
Date of death	Never!
Starsign	Orion's Belt
Occupation	Sitting inside swords
Family	None
Spouse(s)	You
Children	You
Relatives	None(No, his children are not related to him)
Address	He's everywhere, man!
Religion	He doesn't have one, because people worship him.
Nationality	Mage-ish

"To stone with you!"

~Vaati in the eyes of the beholder

Lord Vaati, Sorcerer of Darkness, Lord of Dark Hyrule Castle, The Epic Wind Mage, Master of the Skies, Purple-Short-Guy-With-Scary-Temper, Curious-About-The-Other-Eye, Uncertain-Gender, Big-Hairy-Blob-Of-Bat. Master of fellow vampire hunters; Veran and Zant, in the hunt for Edward Cullen.

Childhood

Vaati the munchkin was born in 1982 in the Minish Woods, to Mr. and Mrs. Cruel-enough-to-give-their-kid-such-an-odd-name. He had four brothers, Sauron, Voldemort, Darth Vader, Biff Tannen and one sister, Lucy van Pelt. His mother died when he was four and throughout his childhood he was bullied by his wicked step-mother. She made him do housework and raised him on a diet of gruel. Then, one day, Vaati's fairy godmother came and turned Vaati into a mage and his stepmum into a pumpkin. Vaati took an apprenticeship with Ezlo, an older munchkin mage (who should, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES be confused with Elmo). Little did Ezlo know the horror that was to come...

Early career

After being forced to wash socks and scrub the gussets of his master's longjohns, Vaati rebelled and kicked Ezlo's butt. He stole Elmo's limited edition Pokémon league collectors hat, and turned himself into a purple humanoid with freaky glowing red eyes (actually, they look pretty damn cool). He turned Ezlo into a lame hat. But don't feel sorry for Elmo. He is a git, as Link found out the hard way.

Vaati trained himself in the ways of the ninja, quickly becoming a master of the sword. Then he created the Master Sword. And threw it away because he was too honorable to have such a kickass weapon as that.

In 2005, Vaati entered the Munchkin Festival using what he intended to be some lame weapon, which he named "thee sworde ofe bageles". He won with ease, then realised the weapon was too awesome and disposed of it. It was picked up by some fat giant, who renamed it the "Biggoron Sword" and sold it to some stupid kid. Except he made the kid wait a few days just to be irritating.

Vaati was then intercepted on his way to the Incredible Prize of the Munchkin Swordfighter Tournament™ by the Princess Celda. Vaati turned her into stone and proceeded on his merry little way. He then released some animals which had been locked in a chest.

King Vaati the Great

Vaati became a great king and ruled over Hyrule. He was just and fair and decent and stuff, and was a pioneer of a number of laws, among them votes for Like Likes and free LonLon milk for schoolkids. He even turned himself into a godlike floating eyeball (historians are still debating as to whether or not this actually was a god in the strictest sense; it is possible that it was merely an eye, as the Hyrulians have been known to worship a number of worthless nonentities whom it is charitable to refer to as people, let alone supreme kings of glory. Look at Zephos, he's just a toad in a cloud). Things were looking promising for Vaati, until one day some stupid little dweeb with a talking hat, a cane and a group of illegal human clones came and sealed him away inside some sucky sword of four or whatever it was called. This was of course totally unreasonable; all Vaati had done was attempt to become a killer deity with powers of ultimate destruction.

Years in exile

Vaati was imprisoned in the Four Sword for ages (no punintended), until some idiot drew it and was split into four (four four four four. Good word that. Good and woody. Not in the least bit tinny). Vaati escaped with Zelda and fled to his one hundred and twenty four-rupee mansion, the Palace Above the Clouds. Some utter prat broke in and sealed him inside the sword again.

Vaati was almost getting used to being inside the sword when, one year later, some guy freed him. Vaati was absolutely thrilled, until Ganondorf broke the magic mirror and possessed Vaati, who was then betrayed and hacked to pieces in a brutal murder. Of course, Vaati survived the attack. Good video game villains never die.

Vaati today

Having fallen on hard times, Vaati for some years worked behind the counter at Tesco. Then, he sank even lower and became the presenter of the Hyrulian edition of Big Brother. He hasn't yet sank to the level of a Big Brother contestant, but septics say it's only a matter of time...

Vaati's inventions

Vaati has invented a number of cool things that people love. These include bagels, the Master Sword, the Biggoron Sword, the Light Force, catgirls, God, sliced bread and asses. Before that, everybody walked around without any asses.

Vaati's tenure on Big Brother

Big Brother Hyrule will be remembered for ever for its outstanding representation of the Old Hyrulian tongue (previously banned as a form of code) and the amusing behaviour of the housemates. More recently, however, the show has come under fire for alleged racist bullying of Ganondorf by the other housemates. This has led to widespread rioting in the Desert Province, and a formal investigation by the Hyrulian media. The investigations came to an abrupt halt on the discovery that (a) Ganondorf is an evil man bent on world domination and (b) nobody gives a damn about Big Brother Hyrule.

Vaatiism

Vaatiism (not to be confused with Vaatiist Taoism) is a growing religion. The Church of Vaati is renowned for its innovative doctrines, rich and bizarre mythology, and somewhat disturbing hat-worshipping rituals.

Vaatiism was founded by some guy in Japan in the year 2003. It quickly spread throughout the world, quickly reaching Britain (where it rapidly developed its own rigid structure and was given a place in the House of Lords), America (where it was condemned as the biggest threat to today's society), Australia (where it was immediately dumped in the jungle and made to eat witchety grubs), and even China (where it was instantly banned and all websites relating to it were blocked, censored and buried in a burning black hole in Devon).

Soon the religion was given its own rituals, philosophies, slightly depressing classical hymns, and a seemingly endless list of rules known as the Commandments of Vaati.

See also

• Cool people
• The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure
• The Legend of Zelda: The Midget's Cap