Socks
Socks are the partner particle of the less well known antisock. It has been long established that when socks interact with an anti-sock generator (a tumble dryer), sock-antisock interactions occur, generating neutrinos, beta radiation, and of course, fluff. Sock-antisock interactions are relatively rare, having approximately 50% probability in an antisock rich environment. This is why you can never find a clean pair of socks
On The Origins of Our Enemy
Look at a painting of ancient times. Doesn’t matter which one. Do I need to tell you everything? What do you think I am, a goddamn encyclopedia? Notice their particular choice of footwear. Do you see something? LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO YOU, PRIVATE. Whoops, flashback, sorry. Anyway, you may notice that none of them are wearing socks. They are all either shoeless or wearing sandals. The ancients knew. Their feet must've stunk really badly, though...
Socks themselves were not, in fact, upon our planet until the mid- to late-1500s, when it suddenly became fashionable to be constantly in danger. In order to placate the socks into being worn, one must stuff their throats. That sliding down your leg? That is them trying to get your foot out of their mouth. Similar to your girlfriend trying to get your dick out of her mouth, but much deadlier. You see, if they managed to escape, they would suck the bones straight out of your toes, shortly followed by the rest of your bones going through the very tiny openings, which I’ve heard is quite painful.
Really, a thing anyone should avoid. But I digress. They came from a planet far away, and the home planet of teenagers: Mars. Oh yes, there once was civilization on Mars. Then the socks ran out of things to devour. They have now come to Earth, only visiting their homeland through portals in our washing machines. Unlike teenagers, unfortunately, socks can neither be rocked nor rox'd.
Socks and Their Influence on Mankind
Socks have had a wide and varied influence upon us. The average person knows nothing of the true impact socks have on human psychology. Anyone who wears socks quickly becomes blinded to their purpose. Almost every assassin in the history of ever has had his brain warped by the wicked socks.
In case you weren’t convinced the socks were the ultimate personifications of total evil, they also created a robot. Several, actually. Mark I was called L3N1N, after their leader. Shortly thereafter, another was created, known only by its serial number: S74L1N. You are right to shudder: socks are communist.
How to Defeat Them
Socks cannot be defeated. Run. Run and never turn around. You must not let their evil and uncaring souls see your eyes, or they WILL get you. Run, and keep running and do not ever stop. If you reach water, start swimming. Just flee the socks! Flee, I say!
They smell!
The odor emitted from the average sock can neither be described as tolerable or any other word that has more than seven letters meaning tolerable. Often heard from innocent are shouts of, "Jesus H. Christ, What The Fuck is that SMELL!?!" or "Put your fuckin' shoes on, NOW!" These, however are considered obscene and inexcusable words of slander.
Ironically, the taste of socks is quite pleasant. While worn, socks pick up bits of "cheese delights," a product commonly developed by human toes.
Other uses of the Word
Socks and bonds are two primary investment instruments adopted by individual investors after the dot-bomb crash of 2000 on major stock markets.
Unlike the stock market, putting money aside by tucking it into socks is a quality investment-grade placement as a sock has a known bottom - unless there is a ladder, while the downside from investing in stocks is limited only by the eventual loss of the entire capital amount.
Bonds originate in the BDSM community and refer to a process of chaining investment advisors in leg-irons until the market improves.
See Also
- Free Sockpuppet Foundation
- Missing socks
- Pile of Enormous Socks of Genoa
- Sock-People
- Sockpuppet
- Socks and sandals
