Washing machine
The washing machine is simply a machine that washes — typically, clothes; though there is no limit to the things and people who can be inserted in the machine to be washed. This achieves not only cleanliness but amusement, which is in even shorter supply.
The washing machine has revolutionized the lives of modern humans, who can now urinate in their clothes and render them as good as new in a matter of hours, except for the lingering stains, and the smell.
Spin cycle[edit]
Most washing machines have a spin cycle. This has little to do with telling a story one's own way, but instead with angular momentum. As a typical washing machine spins at over 17,000 cycles per second, the resulting magnetic field creates a hyper-dimensional portal for 10 μsec. This brief interval is only sufficient to transport one of a pair of socks into an alternate reality. The spin cycle cannot transport the user's dress jackets through the portal, but it can shred them into tatters, which is almost as useful.
End cycle[edit]
In the 2020s, washing-machine manufacturers realized that the typical consumer is too stupid to understand that the lack of vibration and noise means that the washing machine has finished washing the clothing or other objects stuck into it. The manufacturers programmed the machine to emit "chimes" at this time. While not as cloying as having your cellphone or stereo greet you with "Hello" and "Goodbye", it seemed to do the job. Tragically, the typical consumer responds to the helpful chime notification by rushing to the front door to see who is visiting.
Future of washing machines[edit]
In 1975, a powerful gnome called Alexandria discovered a stone containing strange glyphs. After locking herself in her house for nine days and putting it through numerous washings with different settings, she released an English translation of the carvings. They predict that washing machines will escape from people’s houses and join to form an all-powerful alliance with a communal mind that will destroy the human race.