Lingerie
Lingerie (from the French lingerie, meaning "to lear at lingeringly") is an American Football uniform for female players. It consists of two articles of sheer clothing whose main goal is to not appear to be providing any kind of covering of the wearer's naughty parts.[1] While this is the main goal of lingerie, it has been proven to be entirely functional for the combination of skill and violence that is inherent in playing professional football.
Types of lingerie[edit]
There are as many different colors and design patterns of lingerie as there are teams in the professional women's football league. Currently there are no teams in the league, as it is temporarily shut down[2], so lingerie is not currently being worn except either as support and/or publicity for promoting its return.
Lingerie models[edit]
The women who wear lingerie are tremendous athletes, and the game they play, while not nearly at the skill level of the National Football League, is exciting and fascinating to watch. They are coached by some of the brightest football minds and can execute real hits and demonstrate real football skills, making for a tremendous sports viewing experience. Of course we are joking. While all of that may be true, we would not know. They are wearing lingerie.
When wearing the lingerie, the women also by the rules of the game have to wear an adorable little helmet and pads ensemble, but these are not considered part of the lingerie. They are only there to tease the viewer a little, because arguably it is more interesting what is not visible than what is. Indeed, fans of women's professional football have been shown to grow more and more aroused by women's shoulders and head the more they keep watching.
Other known uses of lingerie[edit]
Non-players of women's football have sometimes been known to wear the football uniforms while engaging in other activities, such as dancing with poles. But in every one of these cases known so far, the women have grown weary of wearing the uniform during the dance and have simply taken it off. Whether or not the men who watch these dances realize that these women are not going to be tackling each other or throwing the ball down the field, they still pay for the viewing experience with dollar bills. This may prove that for the women's football games, it is in fact the lingerie (and not the football skills) that is attracting the fans to the game. In light of this, it may be safe to assume that the same men would pay to watch women in lingerie do just about any activity, such as making espresso, washing a car, or cleaning a house. But this theory is called into question by the lack of lingerie auto repair shops.[3]
Lingerie at home[edit]
While fans of the NFL are often known to wear their favorite team's gear while at home watching the games or barbequeing ribs, no fan of women's football wants any of that mess happening in his house. In fact, if a women's football fan's wife even has any lingerie, whether from his favorite team or not, it is probably because she or her hot boyfriend bought it for her and the fan in question has no idea or care about it at all. As far as he is concerned, lingerie belongs on the gridiron, and his wife's probably secretly gay boyfriend can go suck it. And she can go get him a beer.
There are men who sometimes wear the uniforms at home, or under their business casuals, as a kind of... thing... but these men are generally not fans of women's football - only of the soft, satiny materials and the sheer see-through supple colors that feel sooo good on their engorging penises.[4]
Lingerie in history[edit]
Before there was women's professional football, lingerie was just underwear for females. This era is not important.
The future of lingerie[edit]
With the shutdown of the women's football league, the future of lingerie is in dire jeapoardy. It is incumbent on all fans of seeing women knock each other down in sheer panties to lend support to the league's quick return to prominance. While the fans could certainly go to one of those dancing-with-poles spots or other such seedy places to see the lingerie while the league is out of business, there is the widely feared danger that the wearing of lingerie in general may fall into disrepute from places like these, and the respect that women's football has given to the outfits would be lost forever.
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ Along with a uniform number on the right buttock section
- ↑ Although league officials now claim they are simply "restructuring" and will return in 2013. We can only hope!
- ↑ It should be noted that men sometimes wear the uniforms in appropriate times and places, such as colorful rainbow parades and dark public buildings behind unmarked doors. And I was suspicious of one of my mechanics this one time when he leaned under the hood to check the... nevermind.
- ↑ We think. We wouldn't know, personally, I mean. Of course...