Princess Zelda

Zelda learns new things about sex every day

Princess Zelda of Hyrule is one of the main characters in The Legend of Zelda. The series is named after her even though all she does is get kidnapped every game she's in, usually by Ganondorf. Attempting to make her look like a strong, independent princess is usually a big waste of time on the creators' part: in Ocarina of Time and SSBB she performs as a a male ballet ninja named Sheik, but this never helps Link and she gets abducted anyway. In The Minish Cap, she possesses the light force, but gets turned to stone anyway. Holds the Triforce of Wisdom, meaning all she does is speak in poetic riddles instead of getting to the damn point. Zelda has tried explaining to Link many times that they are just friends, but he just keeps bringing her magic trinkets, and she feels really bad for him.

Biography

Zelda was born the youngest princess of the Kingdom of Hyrule when the communists overthrew the monarchy following the assassination of court wizard Ganon with a big Goron's knife on the steps of the castle. The rest of the royal family died, as now the hardworking agriculturalists of Lon Lon ranch held their own destiny by the reins.

Hobbies

Zelda often enjoys being captured by evil Arabian villains and taken to their castle. Link often mistakes these sexual fantasies inspired by attending too much orientalist ballet for a cue to save her, constantly ruining her sex life, and making Ganondorf leave her again because "There's just too much baggage".

Relationship with Link

It's been a torrid affair, since childhood in fact, and when things get boring Zelda lets herself get captured by power-mad despots. Link would always go out to save her, battling his way through dungeons and hordes of monsters leaving deep emotional scars every time. Zelda would repeat this cycle every time she was bored, spanning several dozen games. More recently, Zelda has stopped this, and her and Link's life has become more mundane.

Return from exile

Zelda was eventually allowed to return to her ancestral castle, but democracy had already overtaken Hyrule and the monarchy continued to exist only as a symbol of national heritage exercising only ceremonial power with the actual political authority lying with the state Duma. She is never able to perform her royal duties in any meaningful capacity.

See also

• Anastasia
• Princess Peach