Link (Legend of Zelda)
- This article is about the video game character Link. For other uses, see the Link disambiguation page.
Link is a dangerous fairy boy and wanted criminal of The Hyrule Kingdom and The Greater Hyrulean Area, and has been charged with time-travel, murder, gambling, destruction of expensive vases, gorging on the hearts of fallen enemies, cutting lawns without permission, harassing the public over masks, rudely interrupting conversations, and Z-targeting with an unlicensed fairy. He is known to carry weapons which include but are not limited to; swords, arrows, grappling hooks, bombs, lamp oil, rope, magic nuts, a man-eating cap, and time-traveling ocarinas. IF YOU SPOT LINK, walk slowly away to your apparent appointment on the second day at 7:00 PM, and call the local authorities. Link will Z-target (sometimes even known to L-target) you for hints on his next move.
Early Life[edit]
Link showed signs of being a troubled child from an early age. Link spent most of his time breaking into houses (which often didn't have any doors) and making people uncomfortable by Z-targeting them, and breaking all their pots. His troubled childhood was caused in part by being the only boy who did not receive a fairy from the Great Deku Tree for a long time. This led to the deep anger and resentment that built up Link's hatred for many years, causing a pent-up rage that resulted in his selective mutism, even after receiving an annoying fairy named Navi who could change colors depending on what crime Link was about to commit next. Later on, after he stole a midget sword from his friends, Link developed a more refined criminal nature and would relentlessly steal worthless rupees from clumps of grass and hurt innocent citizens.
Mido, the leader of the village, was another major factor in Link's troubled past, as he would taunt Link constantly on not being "warrior material," angering him greatly. Those who cannot play Zelda should remember him quite well, as Mido was the asshole that wouldn't let you see the Deku tree, rendering the game a complete piece of shit. This hurtfulness towards Link is suspected to be because Mido was jealous of Link's platonic relationship with Saria, a cute green-haired girl, and the fact that The Deku Tree liked Link more anyway. The reason behind Saria's dislike of Mido stems from his lack of cleanliness. When asked to shower he would cry, but he could not for he "had" to protect the Deku Tree. When Link later came to the entrance with the required items, Mido cried in frustration but let him in anyway. He later blamed Link for The Great Deku Tree's death, which was probably Link's fault anyway. Link somehow manages to reincarnate himself in the exact same outfit.
Criminal Years[edit]
After getting kicked out of the village, Link began his first and ultimate criminal endeavor. Link used time travel through the ocarina of time given to him by Zelda to mess up the laws of space and time. As a result of his mischief, many obsessed fans have been repeatedly frustrated on the true chronology of the Zelda games, as the Skyward sword has become the last game in the timeline, and Ocarina of Time became the first game, thus resulting in the split timeline of Wind Waker and Majora's Mask, each following Adult Link and Child Link's adventures respectively. Many sleepless nights have been spent by Zelda fanatics pondering the paradox.
Childhood Timeline[edit]
Link made two separate timelines for himself so he could cause double the trouble, being present in two parallel universes at once.
Majora's Mask[edit]
After Link messed up the timeline of Hyrule, Zelda foolishly decided that Link should return to his childhood after he defeated Ganondorf Dragmire, a kindly man who had the unfortunate luck of turning into a wild hog. Zelda sent Link back to his past with the mistaken notion that he should make up for his lost childhood or whatever, despite the fact that Link detested his childhood after being an adult and was perfectly fine with skipping out on those years.
After being forced to return to his time, Link decided to find himself and did some soul-searching by volunteering to collect masks for a local play. After fruitlessly searching for masks in the woods and becoming sick from eating Deku nuts, Link met a local drug dealer by the name of Skull Kid, who offered him weed. Link, who never said no to a nice, relaxing high, gladly accepted the joint and immediately proceeded to have a bad trip as it was laced with PCP and he thought he became a deku scrub.
After pummeling the poor drug dealer, the still high Link reached nirvana in which he believed that after staying up for 72 hours he had saved a fantasy land called Termina from an angry moon with a permanent grimace on its face. However, Link did no such thing, and actually wandered around the lost woods for quite a while until coming off his high. He celebrated his non-existent victory over the moon by retiring to a bar and gluttonously ate fried Cuccos for the rest of the day.
Adult Timeline[edit]
Link, after defeating Ganon, returns to his own time in Ocarina of Time. The dumb bitch Zelda forgot that Ganon would most definitely come back after being defeated, as there is an unstated rule of the universe that Ganon always comes back however many times Nintendo damn well pleases, and with no one to stop him, the gods become angry and start pissing all over the place, flooding Hyrule and beginning the events of The Wind Waker. This once again began the timeless cycle of the green guy busting his ass for the chick that barely thanks him.
The Wind Waker[edit]
For some stupid reason another Link is born hundreds of years after Hyrule is flooded even though he is obviously still in his child timeline, meaning this bullshit reincarnated Link is an imposter. Him and an alternate disguised Princess Zelda sail around on a boat and terrorize islands. Ganondorf comes back and then is once again, brutally stabbed in the head by Link. Thousands of rupees are stolen. But it does not stop there, children. Upon defeating Ganon, this Link also caused the Kingdom of Hyrule (Along with any evidence of murdering Ganon) to be destroyed on the ocean floor. Goddamn green-tunic-wearing ass-hat terrorist. Link is a bitchhhhh.
Legend of Zelda I[edit]
Years after the events of Ocarina, Hyrule has degenerated into an 8-bit land of old hermits living in caves and a straggling economy run by rip-off merchants due to an unknown cataclysmic event. Link appears in a field and begins his quest to save Zelda once again, blowing up the entrances to innocent people's homes. End of story.
Attire[edit]
The elf in the green hoodie is armed to the Keebler cookie stained teeth with knives, swords, bombs, arrows, boomerangs, and grappling hooks; doing drive bys on his horse.
Link's attire varies, for he has been known to wear several tunics of different colors which include, but are not limited to, red, green, blue, purple, and even the fashionable bright teal (depending on how shitty your TV is.) The color of his clothes was the subject of some wild guessing, as they were usually soaked in the blood of his unfortunate victims. However, the above photo revealed that his clothes are green.
Link has often been accused of being an elf, due to his pointed ears, small stature, green clothes, and yellow hair. He is not an elf.
Link has also hidden in various disguises (which he calls "masks") of Gorons, Zoros, and Deku shrubs. He reportedly has stripped these poor creatures of their skin and masquerades about as them.
Whereabouts And How To Deal With Him[edit]
If you see this boy, call the local guards, and hide in your house with the door barred. Of course it doesn't matter because there's a key anyways. In this case it may be useful to break up said key for your two-inch-thick doors, perhaps giving it to a monster of sorts to guard. Under no circumstances should you leave an item capable of defeating your monster lying in the same dungeon. The next precaution is to plug all holes that Link can shrink into with his Minish Cap. Seal all the windows with airtight, bulletproof Lucite. Finally, remove any mounted painted wooden targets on your walls, as well as any ivy and ladders. If you possess a one-time use secret passage, for God's sake, use it before he does! Take any wooden treasure chests off your roof, instead use steel treasure chests, as Link has been known to be able to grapple onto those as well. Just in case he gets to it, fill the chests with liquid nitrogen spray that freezes anything into ice upon contact. Feel free to substitute a powder keg or angry Goron. If all else fails throw a Cucco at the boy. Cuccos are said to be Link's only weakness, aside from fairy porn, for he is known to be tempted into torturing these poor little creatures until they go batfuck crazy flying everywhere pecking Link to death. The most frightening aspect of Link is his ability to teleport and instantly kill anyone within a 10 foot radius. For more information on this see his insatiable appetite for needless destruction.
At no time whatsoever should you let Link Z-Target you. If you do, every projectile will hit you, or be thrown in your general vicinity. You can prevent this by... Hell, you can't prevent it.
See also[edit]
References[edit]
| |||||||||||||
