Stick
“It's the Gnarled Staff of Ass Whoop. It does 1d4 damage.”
“Ow, stop hitting me with that!”
“Oh... so that's what you guys are calling it these days....”
“What's brown and sticky?”
A stick (Scientific Name: Danneus Pongannus) is a smallish portable section of bifurcated tree. The point at which bifurcation occurs is fundamental to the stickiness of the stick. Too early, and you still have a tree. Too late, and you have a twig.
In 1893, a group of German scientists attempted to formulate a standard definition of the stick in order to prevent illiterate anarchy from spreading amongst the peasantry. They concluded that for something to be a stick, it must be capable of being carried comfortably to Liepzig by a Prussian nobleman on a horse. This definition ruled out trees, but not twigs.
The stickologist, Toddy Jungfrau later proved that the being of a stick is a factor relative to the general space-time continuum of all things including honey. For a huge mastodon, a tree is a stick. A twig, likewise, is a stick for a wasp. The stick, in the absolute sense of the word, does not therefore exist.
Despite the proven non-existence of sticks, they continue to remain hugely popular among dogs and beavers. In a stickless world, the entire beaver economy would collapse and dogs would be compelled to write long poems about meaninglessness.
Popular uses for a stick[edit]
Making a House[edit]
For a long time, humans, like beavers, built houses from sticks. The 'Stick N Shit' condominium was highly popular all over northern Europe, almost as far as Bruges. These homes were mostly for the middle classes. The peasantry lived in holes in the ground and the very rich had castles. The home fell in popularity with the advent of the brick.
Poking things[edit]
The urge to poke something with a stick is almost overwhelming. Even Jesus, when casting the money lenders out of the temple, paused to poke at a fishwife with a stick. Modern Australian man, Mr. Steve Irwin, made a fortune from poking crocodiles with sticks and then running away. Other items that people enjoy poking with sticks include:
- Bears
- Cliff Richard
- Bouncy Castles
- Britney Spears
- Walruses
- Your mom's butt. Watch it shake.
- Dead things
- Fat guys
- Sleeping people
Shaking at large numbers of things[edit]
When there is a multitude (or indeed a plethora) or anything, it is usually possible to shake a stick at it. When that number of something exceeds that number (n, where n=s+1, where s is 'the number of things you can shake a stick at') the number of things becomes mindboggling. A mindboggling number is therefore s+1, or, indeed, n.
Being able to shake a stick at something is proof that there is not an excess of it. When there is an excess of, say cream buns, one really ought to say "there were more London buses than you could shake a stick at".
Playing "Kill Your Sister With A Stick"[edit]
KYSWAT (Pronounced Kiss-What) Is a game created in Victorian England by the fabled Brotherhood of Monkey Awsometude which has recently been adopted as the national pastime in both Malta and Mali.
The instructions are simple enough to guarantee entertainment
1) Kill your sister with a stick
2) Be Creative
Variations Include :
KYSWAT - Brother Edition
KYSWAT - Random Stranger Edition
KYSWAT - Pointy Stick Deluxe Edition
KYSWAT - Limited Edition Poison Stick Edition
Other uses: Russian special forces during the forty years of the cold war...that's why they lost...