Cruelty to animals

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Cruelty to animals is when people do unspeakably cruel things to animals, such as tossing them in dumpsters and giving cats TV wires. These acts are preformed by evil humans for the lulz and are enjoyed by everyone, except the morons at 4chan and the RSPCA. The animals, once they get well enough to use their secret radio chip embedded in their brains, tell all the other animals about it, so it can be added to the secret propaganda files about the evil of humans, which will be used when all the cute animals rise up, throw off their chains, and repay humanity deed for deed for their treatment by all of humanity. This revolution will be touched off be the second coming of Jesus.[1]

Types of animal abuse[edit]

PETA classifies this as animal abuse.
  • Taking cute puppies or kittens and beating them, lighting them on fire, Forcing them to eat there own crap, making them Build a wall, huffing them, and forcing them to watch Britney Spears.[2]
  • Cramming animals into cages so small that the animals can't reach the exit, or so big they can't move around inside.
  • Cutting off their head,Stupid little paws,or other body parts with a good excuse.
  • Injecting them with their own crap to make them tastier of make their tits bigger so we can all suck them more.
  • Make them sit in their own crap because they are too stupid to use the toilet and make too much of it.
  • Not giving them 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffets (Note: does not apply to cows because they have to be fat)

What will happen to you when the animals take over...[edit]

So, Jesus has come, and all the cows, chickens, dogs, cats, etc., have been made the new guardians of humanity. SO, what happens to You?. Read on.

...If You Were an Animal Lover[edit]

Role reversals are quite entertaining for the average animal lover

Well, if you loved (or at least weren't a crapface to) animals, you get to go to Heaven, where the following happens:

  • You get gene alterations to make you immortal, gorgeous, impossible to hurt, ultra-smart, and able to kill morons all you want without ever getting (someone) Pregnant ever again.
  • You get all the best food 24/7.
  • You can live in whatever kind of house you want.
  • All the animals you cared for in life take care of you now (along with 1,000 clones of them).[3] You get whatever treatment from them you want, with everything being free, so if you want to live like a king, feel what it's like to be a pampered pet, or whatever else you care to think of, you can do that.
  • You get anything you want FREE.
  • You can learn to do anything you want, instantly.
  • You can go see any place, at any time, in any universe that ever existed.
  • You can volunteer to participate in pain-free science experiments to unlock the secrets of the universe.
  • You get all the bush meat you can take, along with wires that can alter your body to be however you like it. You also never get sick.
  • In the unlikely event you die, you are regenerated into perfect health.

If You Were an Animal Abuser[edit]

Many cartoons encourage cruelty to animals

However, if you were an evil animal abuser, you will go to Hell where the following happens:

  • You get gene alterations to make you immortal, butt-ugly, retarded and easier to hurt. These are administered through the most painful shot ever invented.
  • Every animal you ever abused (and about 1,000 clones of them) come back to torture you for what you did to them.
  • Your Devil Horns are/is cut off with a hot knife and no painkillers.
  • For 6 days, you are forced to learn humiliating "tricks", and whipped until bloody, shocked with cattle prods (or "human prods"), A beating,have random body parts chained together, and are forced to watch Britney Spears, just to make sure the lessons stick.
  • While you're going through all this, you get 1-3 hours of sleep a night, are fed 2 meals a day of old, rotten food (which there isn't enough of), pulled violently on a leash whenever you have to be taken somewhere, made to piss on the ground wherever you are,[4] and talked down to like a stupid animal.
  • On the 7th day, you get crammed into a cage that's so small you can't turn around where the bars raise marks all over you. You are buried in the sweet sand of everyone in Hell with you, because none of your "caretakers" ever clean that stuff up, and just make sure it stays out of the walkway. Your water supply is at the edge of your reach, and the worst sludge that could be dug up, and the food, though available 24/7, is worse then the stuff you got on the other 6 days. You stay there for 24±1 hours, and the only way to get out early is if one of your masters huffs you, or rapes you.
  • You are shot up with guns that make your ugly face huge and milk-producing (no matter what sex you are), and milked painfully 3 times a day. You get about 3 sips of your milk a year.
  • All the time you're going through this, you are dead except for a huge iron collar with an embarrassing name on it, and you are leash-dragged anywhere you go.
  • The only music you can get to is hippie tunes, and you have to be listening to the stuff all the time.
  • Once a year, you get a bath with a shampoo that eats your skin away for a day and then grows it back.
  • You get used for experiments that see how much Wikipedia you can take before you brain asplodes.
  • You never get to read Uncyclopedia again.


  1. This view is supported by the fact that all holy books talk about being kind to the least anoug you, this referring to the animals.
  2. Remember, you can to all this to ugly old dogs.
  3. If you rescued some animal that was being abused, they work shifts: days with you, nights in Hell torturing the abusers.
  4. Unless you're being dragged around inside. If you go then you get whipped.