“Doziists are like a box of chocolates. Most of them are full of alcohol.”
Doziism is a religion founded in the 1600s by Peter R. de Vries. It is similar to christianity in the way that doziists also believe in an intelligent creator, and also in the fact that it is, much like christianity, total bullshit. Doziism is particularly big in The Netherlands, especially in Alkmaar, with an estimated amount of 50,000 followers.
Definition and Beliefs
According to doziism, the world came to existence with the act of a giant crapping into a box. Instead of throwing it a way, he used his own bowell product to create earth, humans and Michael Jackson. With this defenition it can be classified as a monotheistic religion. There are also several groups which claim that the giant did not use poo, but semen to create what we are to now. But whether doziists believe in the dung- or the liquid love theory, the core of the religion remains the same.
Doziists believe in a form of intelligent design. Their story of how we came where we are today is explained in the holy doziist book of 'Gigasis'.
In the beginning, so say doziists, there only was black. There was but one thing. A living thing. A giant. He is eternal, and it is not to be questioned how he came to existance, for that would be blasphemy. On one day, the giant drank some cup-a-soup and became enlightened by the substance of the only kind of consumption available back then. Again, it is not to be questioned how cup-a-soup came to existance. The Giant got a sparkling idea, the idea of creating life, and creating a world for those living creatures to live on. So on the first day, the Giant set: "Let there be brown", and so there was brown. The Giant meditated from within the deepest feelings of his bowell system, and crapped into an empty box, in which cup-a-soup was once formed. This is how the Giant created earth.
On the second day, the Giant created the sky and the clouds, by attaching a piece of elastic to his scrotum and frantically running about the place whilst screaming, until his balls became blue. He then used the eyedropper tool in Photoshop, and used the brush function to paint the sky blue. Short after that, he came. This was especially handy for creating the clouds, again using the eyedropper tool, and then the brush function.
With the day passing by, the Giant realized there was no difference between nighttime and daytime, for it didn't exist. Therefore the Giant created light and darkness on the third day. He did this by grabbing one of his beloved giant dried up balls of piss, attaching it to the sky with duct tape (he invented that before just in case), and he called it the sun. According to many doziists, this was done because he thought it would've been handy if, at least 6 hours a day, we can't see shit because the sun is on the other side of the 'planet'. Northern Europe, the North Pole and the South Pole form an exception. Why this was done remains a mystery even today, but it is said that the Giant would use those places to put the most despicable of his creations on, although Germany technically lies in Western-, and not Northern Europe.
On the fourth day, the Giant got bored of brown, so he created green meadows, hills, trees and plants by sacrificing some of his very special cup-a-soup powder.
He soon realized that these first organisms needed something to live on, and it should not be cup-a-soup, because cannabalism is just plain sick. First there would be liquid. So, on the fifth day, the Gigant took his gigantic penis of holiness out of his equally gigantic trousers of revelation, and first created what we now know as rain. Since then, the Giant never had to use empty cup-a-soup boxes again.
And on the sixth day, the Giant created man. He once again used the poop from his giant bowell system of salvation, and used his godly claying techniques to make the most hideous shapes he could think off, and bless (or curse, it depends on how you look at it/ gothic brigade) them with the sparkle of life.
And on the seventh day, the Giant sat down on his couch and watched all episodes of Married With Children while masturbating furiously to what he had just created.
The first human beings the Giant had created were two men called Adam and Steve. Adam and Steve were to find ways to reproduce their species (which was seemingly impossible). The Giant would roll over the floor laughing when he saw Adam and Steve hopelessly trying to reproduce by doing the dirty thing with sheep, peacocks, ravens, hamsters, elephants, tigers, lions, hyenas, swines, cows, giraffes, horses, snakes, dolphins, killer whales, killer bees, bumble bees, wasps, grasshoppers, panthers, squirrels, dinosaurs and herrings. One day, Steve and a snake lay in a bed, smoking, after a mighty good snogging session. Out of the bedroom idea sprung forth an idea. The snake suggested to Steve that he should buy an apple from the witch (who had appeared out of nowhere but is too old for reproduction so hah) who was walking around the land, cut a hole in it, adjust it on his penis and run around while screaming: "I'm a mosquito but I have an elephant's trunk! Look, I can even eat with it!"
For some unknown reason, Steve had his doubts with the plan. There was no sexual morality, so why not? The Giant had said that buying stuff from the witch is bad for the world, because she uses her money to buy drugs such as mushrooms and stuff. The dopedealer (who had also appeared out of nowhere and was male so hah) would then use the money to create an evil conspiracy against the Giant. Out of the fear of getting caught, he involved Adam into his plan just so he was sure that Adam wouldn't snitch on him in exchange for a hot woman.
So it happened. Steve bought the apple from the witch, and ran around naked with the apple on his dick, screaming the words which were mentioned before. But the Giant would soon found out. Especially because some weirdo running around with an apple attached to his genitals isn't really something you'd miss. So both Adam and Steve were banned from paradise, and with the knowledge gained from the illegal herbs from the apple, they realized that they were naked. Adam said: "HOLY SHIT DUDE, I CAN SEE YOUR PENIS!", after which Steve replied: "I have a PENIS?!?!?!? Get if off, get it off!" And Adam did so. Steve now evolved into Stephany, or Eve in short, and was a woman, the key to reproduction.
And thus Adam and Steve got the children from which all of us still descent today, which forces us to conclude that our world really is a cess pit of inbreeding.
- Homosexuality - Doziists are remarkably tolerant towards homosexuals, mainly because they share their obsession for poo, and the human bowell system in general.
- Women - Doziists are relatively tolerant towards women, because they also have a bowell system.
- Abortion - Abortion is a no-go for doziists, because everyone has a right to a bowell system.
- 1. Thou shall not fuck, only the Giant is allowed to do that.
- 2. Thou shalt not rob a sperm bank.
- 3. Thou shalt not satisfy yourself.
- 4. Thou shalt have to buy a device for that.
- 5. Thou shalt invent a jerk-o-matic.
- 6. Thou shalt not worship false gods, certainly not Rafiki from "the Lion King".
- 8. Thou shalt count well.
- 7. Thou shalt not reproduce life in thy own shit.
- 9. Thou shalt always shop at the C1000, despite it being a shitty store.
- 10. Thou shalt always be in possession of Cillit Bang.
Nobody knows what the future holds for Doziism, since its amount of followers has been relatively steady since the end of the 1980s. It is said that the religion will experience an explosive growth as soon as the record amount of friendless 30-year old pseudo-suicidal women reaches the age of 50, and starts feeling overly spiritual for no particular reason, but that is only speculation.